Chapter 13
13
Nataly
I see him just as he sees me.
My stomach flips hard.
Nathan is walking toward me, weaving around the massive crowd of women in the Wembley SSE Arena, and for a second, I forget how to breathe.
It’s been days since I’ve heard from him. And now here he is, just walking toward me like nothing has changed.
I smile— too big, too obvious . “Oh. Hey!”
He barely glances at me.
“Hey,” he mutters. His voice is low. Gruff. He doesn’t smile. And then he keeps walking .
I blink. Wait, what?
I actually turn around, watching his retreating figure, half expecting him to glance back.
But he doesn’t.
Nathan, the guy who always texts back immediately. The guy who never makes me feel invisible.
Did I do something wrong?
My stomach twists. I want to call after him. I want to ask. But he’s already disappearing into the sea of people.
Weird.
We’re at Colour Conference, our church women’s conference. Bobbie Houston—the pastor’s wife leading it—is basically who I aspire to be like when I’m older. She is beautiful, walks with grace, but most of all is the embodiment of all things sweet. Not only is she sweet, she is strong. And I love that the two go hand in hand. You can be strong and still be a cinnamon roll. She’s got a sweet and gooey center and it’s beautiful .
I’ve had such a beautiful time at Colour, my first one ever. One of the speakers shared her story of holding onto faith during a long wait. It was raw, real, and something in me ached—because don’t we all have something we’re waiting for?
We’ve got one final session this evening and it’s about time to go in.
But after that extremely short interaction with Nathan, there’s this heavy feeling in my chest. Like something’s off , and I can’t figure out why.
But maybe he can’t be chatting right now? He could be busy volunteering. The men are all here volunteering, helping behind the scenes. It’s kind of beautiful, honestly—to be served, loved, and championed by them like this.
After coming back to London from Bournemouth, Joel had to go on another trip, and now it’s Colour so I haven’t had to see him much while I’ve been trying to work this all out for once and for all.
The questions have constantly rolled through my mind: He’s comfortable. He’s safe. He’s steady. He’s nice. But do I want to camp out in my comfort zone for the rest of my life, waiting for it to become special? Or, am I ready and willing to risk my heart again, and on a guy like Nathan?
As I walk in, my shoulders are a little slumped.
Joy catches me as I’m coming in .
“Hey, girl!” She stops in front of me, brow scrunching. “What’s wrong?”
It’s the final session, and I’ve loved every moment of this conference. But man, my internal conflict? Flip, I’m exhausted.
“Just a lot on my mind, I guess,” I say with a shrug.
She links her arm through mine. “If you want to talk about it, you know I’m here to listen.”
“I know, thanks girly. But I’d rather hear about you. I feel like we’ve been surrounded by so many people we’ve barely caught up!”
She sighs. “I know! We need to go to Peggy Porschen, grab a cupcake, and sip away our woes with that incredible gingerbread tea together.”
Cupcakes feel like a Band-Aid right now. I need stitches.
“That gingerbread tea is like a warm, cozy blanket in my mouth. And the red velvet cupcakes? Delicious. I’m dreaming of them right now.”
“Agreed. I’ve had a great time at Colour, I’m looking forward to this last session.”
“Me too! Let’s find our seats before we get stuck in the nosebleeds.”
We walk in, grab our seats, and the night begins.
Bobbie Houston is standing on stage, carrying herself with that effortless grace I admire so much. She speaks light into the room, into our hearts, and I soak it in.
But that unsettled feeling lingers . Nathan’s weird mood. Joel coming back soon.
Bobbie’s voice pulls me back in.
“We have a gift for you tonight,” she says warmly.
A volunteer steps into the aisle with a stack of Bibles. They’re meant to be passed on—to a man in our lives. A father, a brother, a friend... or someone else. As I get my hand on one, I feel the cover. It’s absolutely beautiful. It’s leather bound, and it’s gray. I love the feel of it, and the look of it.
And then?—
A whisper inside me.
Give it to Nathan.
My breath catches. Joel is my boyfriend. Technically… he should be the one to get the Bible? But that doesn’t sit right with me.
I clutch the Bible tighter, trying to ignore the very clear feeling inside me. I’m probably just imagining it. I’m exhausted from this weekend. Maybe I’m reading too much into things. But deep down, I know I’m not.
I’ve never dealt well with guilt. I’m not the type to get defensive—when I mess up, I feel it in my bones . I always hold myself to impossible standards.
I’ve had a bit of a hard time understanding God’s grace throughout my life. The more time has passed, I’ve grasped it better. But the perfectionist in me still crops up a lot.
I stare down at the Bible, my chest feeling too tight. The truth is, this entire time, I’ve just been avoiding a reality I didn’t want to face.
I don’t see a forever with Joel. I never really have. Seeing that message on Joel’s phone has shocked me into reality and figuring out what I want in a way nothing else could have. I’ve just felt too scared to let go of my comfort zone—even though I know it’s not where I’m meant to stay.
And for the first time, I let that realization fully settle into my bones.
I can’t keep ignoring the spark inside me when Nathan walks into a room. I can’t keep pushing my gut feelings under the rug. Because this— whatever this is —it’s not going away.
I’m a woman who knows what she wants, and for some reason I’ve allowed myself to bury my head in the sand throughout this time because I’ve been afraid. Afraid of risking my heart again, afraid of removing a comfortable thing in my life.
I exhale slowly. Joel comes back in five days. And I know exactly what I need to do.