Chapter 26
26
Nataly
We’d been back from Northern Ireland for a couple of weeks when Joel sent a text that made me pause.
Joel: Look, I’m not going to keep pursuing you. I just want to talk. I promise I’ll stop after that. Just one coffee? Stratford?
I was with Nathan when I received it.
“I think you should go,” Nathan said.
“You think so?”
“I think he needs closure. Maybe clear the air, too.”
“I guess you’re right,” I sighed.
I’m here now, in Stratford. I arrived a little early, and I’m brought back to the time when I had seen the proposal text.
I immediately had a thought pass through my mind. A flash. A vision. A not-so-sweet daydream.
Joel, on one knee. In some public square—maybe with string lights, maybe with a live band. Something loud and elaborate, the kind of gesture that screams, Look how much I love you.
And me? Frozen. Like I was watching myself in a video online.
You know the one. Where the girl panics, eyes darting, and gently pulls the guy off his knee with a whisper so small it gets drowned out by the crowd. She says no. And it’s awkward.
That was me. Not in real life. But in this daydream that felt too real.
I couldn’t even picture the ring. Couldn’t see a future. Couldn’t imagine planning a wedding or writing vows or saying yes.
Just this cold ache of guilt. Of settling. I shook it off at the time.
Now, I’m so glad I didn’t back down in fear and let that scenario come to life. I didn’t want that life. I wanted more. I want to say yes and mean it. I just hope this conversation makes him realize that I want him to fall in love with someone, especially when I know in my heart that was never me. I was never it for him.
Joel walks in, his usual confident grin replaced by something smaller. Softer. He sits across from me.
“Hey, Joel.”
“Hey, Nat. Thanks for meeting with me.”
We exchange some awkward small talk before I get straight to the point.
“What is it you wanted to talk to me about?”
He blows out a breath. He runs his hand through his hair. He looks me straight in the eye. And I register guilt there. Not just a little bit. But like it’s what’s stoking the fire right now.
“I need to talk to you about my trip to California. I’ve been meaning to tell you about this, and I really need to get it off my chest,” he replies.
“What happened?” I ask as I stiffen. I remember feeling like everything was off during his trip. But then, he came back and all of a sudden he wanted to meet my parents. I had no idea what happened on his trip, and when I asked him about it he didn’t tell me much.
He leans back into his seat and takes a sip of his coffee, like he’s mentally preparing himself for whatever bombshell he’s going to drop in my lap.
He exhales, rubbing the back of his neck. “There was a girl.”
Oh, of course. That’s how all great conversations start.
I say nothing.
Joel swallows. He looks down at his coffee. “And… I kissed her.”
Silence.
A beat.
I blink.
And then— laughter bubbles out of me. Actual, unstoppable, ridiculous laughter. I probably look unhinged.
“You’re laughing?” he asks, as his brow furrows.
“I’ve been feeling guilty about breaking up with you this entire time and meanwhile you had hooked up with some girl in California!” I say, still catching my breath. “I feel great now, absolutely relieved. Thanks for that.” I smile. Here I was, feeling absolutely awful about potentially developing feelings for another guy when he was busy putting his lips on another girl. I had agonized over moving on. Over how it would look. Over whether I’d hurt him. But now? Now, I feel… free.
But Joel still looks confused.
“I don’t understand. I’ve been feeling so guilty about this for ages. And you’re… okay?” He looks at me as if he’s still not believing it, like he’s wary that I might just turn on him at any second.
And all this time, I had been carrying the guilt like a stone in my chest when he was the one who let go first. Why didn’t he tell me when I asked? Why let me believe I was the bad guy?
“Honestly, Joel, I actually think it’s great that you’ve given me relief about this breakup. I just maybe don’t get why you’ve been pursuing me after we broke up. Or why you didn’t break up with me after you did that?”
He looks genuinely remorseful. “Because you’re awesome, Nataly. I wanted it to work. I really did. But something between us just never... clicked, I guess. I hoped it would. And I guess I thought you deserved to know. The guilt had been eating me up.”
I nod slowly. “We were never right for each other, and I think deep down, we both knew that. If you’d been in love with me, that kiss wouldn’t have happened. So really... thank you. Because now I know I’m free to live my life. And I’m good with that.”
And I actually am. Will I maybe have to process this later? Yeah, maybe. Being cheated on might come with its own heartbreak later. A mourning of the fact that I wasn’t valued enough. But right now, I feel just fine. I didn’t want to be seen as bouncing into another relationship. I didn’t want to be that girl. But in this moment, all I feel is a release.
Because I’m not the girl who moved on too fast. I’m not rebounding. I’m stepping into something that was actually meant for me. Nathan values me. He champions me. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.
He nods, though he still looks shocked at my reaction.
“What about Nathan, then?”
“What about him?” I ask.
“Do you think he could… be the one?” He asks with a small smile.
“I do, actually,” I smile back.
I don’t think he’s totally happy with my answer, but I think he’s trying to move on gracefully. I respect that.
Joel gave me closure. But Nathan? He gives me belonging.
We finish our drinks and go our separate ways. We even talked about how to keep things civil at church if we ever bumped into each other. It might still be a little awkward—that’s just how it goes with exes. But I walked away from that conversation feeling something I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Freedom.
A few months ago, I would’ve avoided this conversation. I’d have smiled and nodded and carried the guilt like it was mine to bear. But not now. I know what I want and I know what I’m worth.
I feel like I’ve made the best possible decision. Like I’ve stepped into adulthood, pulled on my big girl pants, and conquered fears. There will be more challenges to come. I know that. But I also know I have someone beside me who pushes me out of my comfort zone, and stands with me while I find my way.
I just hope we get to do this as a forever thing.