Chapter Thirteen #2
The first bedroom is a decent size with a window facing the side yard.
The closet isn’t huge but I don’t own enough clothes to fill it anyway.
The second bedroom is smaller, more of an office, with a window that looks out at the spruce tree in the front yard.
The master bathroom has a clawfoot tub that surprises me.
It’s deep and long, the enamel slightly yellowed with age but in good shape.
“That tub is original to the house,” Kara says. “The landlord almost replaced it, but I talked him out of it. You don’t find craftsmanship like that anymore.”
“It’s great,” I say, and I mean it. The whole place has character that the Blue Pine Apartments never had. It feels like somewhere a person could actually build a life.
The back door opens onto a good-sized fenced yard. There’s a patio for a grill and chairs, and the yard is big enough for a dog. “Is the landlord okay with pets?” I ask, remembering the dog Liam and me had dropped off at the rescue yesterday.
“I can ask,” Kara says. “He might want a little bigger deposit if you have a pet.”
“Okay. That’s fine.”
Kara frowns. “As far as I know, you don’t have a pet.”
I shrug. “No. But I might get a dog.”
Liam meets my gaze, appearing surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah. I might adopt that dog we rescued yesterday.” I laugh gruffly. “He seemed like a great dog.”
“He did seem like a good dog,” Liam agrees.
“Hopefully you’re not planning to do that until you move out of Liam’s place.” She shudders. “I can’t stand dogs. I’m more of a cat person.”
“To each their own,” Liam murmurs.
“I like both,” I say, glancing at my watch. “We’d better sign the lease. Our lunch is almost over.”
Once the paperwork is out of the way, I go to the car and try not to cringe as Kara and Liam kiss each other goodbye.
I don’t miss the possessive way Kara clings to him, laughing gayly and looking over at the SUV as if making sure I notice.
I can’t help feeling her behavior isn’t that of someone who’s confident in their relationship.
She tries too hard to prove Liam is hers.
The rest of our shift is busier than the first part, and when it’s time to go home, I’m relieved.
I’m still tired from last night and Liam seems beat too.
We end up ordering a pizza for dinner because Liam is too tired to cook.
My heart aches remembering the hockey game we watched together where we shared a pizza.
That easy comradery is now strained because we kissed.
I pray we can get it back once I have my own place again.
“There’s a basketball game on tonight,” Liam says as he takes a spot on the couch. He sets the pizza and plates on the coffee table. “Wanna watch?”
“Maybe. Who’s playing?” I help myself to two slices of the pepperoni pizza.
“It’s the Vipers and the Tigers playing.” He flips on the TV as he speaks.
“That might be a good game.”
“Want a beer? I’m having one.” He gets up and moves to the kitchen.
“Uh… sure.” Maybe a beer will help us relax.
When he returns, I take my beer, careful not to touch his fingers.
I don’t want to do anything that might make him uncomfortable.
The game isn’t very exciting, or at least I can’t get into it.
Once I’m done eating I grab a book to read while Liam watches the game.
He doesn’t jump up excitedly like he did when we watched hockey, but the silence is comfortable.
Around 7:00 p.m., my phone buzzes. Ben’s name lights up the screen.
Liam’s eyes flick to my phone and then away. His jaw clenches but he doesn’t say anything.
“Hey, Ben,” I say, answering the phone.
“Hey.” His voice is warm. “How are you feeling today? I know we had a lot of sake last night.”
“Oh, I definitely had a hangover this morning.” I laugh, but I feel self-conscious with Liam only a few feet away. “But I’ll survive. I had a great time.”
“I had so much fun.” Ben’s voice is sincere.
“Me too,” I say. “It’s been a while since I enjoyed myself that much.”
Liam gets up suddenly and goes into the kitchen.
“I was thinking the same thing,” Ben says. “I was wondering if you’d want to do it again. Maybe tomorrow night?”
Liam returns with another beer. He sits down, and drinks half of it quickly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes are glued to the TV but I feel him listening to my conversation.
It’s impossible to relax and focus on Ben knowing Liam is listening to every word, so I stand and walk toward the kitchen. “Yeah, that sounds great.”
“Really?” Ben laughs happily. “That’s great. I was afraid I came on too strong last night.”
“Not at all,” I say, lowering my voice. “Sorry I didn’t spend the night. I move slower than some guys. Hope that’s okay.”
“Absolutely. I like you as a person, Jude.” He laughs sheepishly. “I mean, obviously, I’m hoping I get to sleep with you eventually. I doubt it’s a secret I’m attracted to you. But I can wait. Something tells me you’re worth the wait.”
“Hopefully.” I feel good talking to Ben. I worried maybe I’d blown it with him, which would have been a shame. I really like Ben. I suspect he’s just what I need to get over Liam.
Ben says, “I was thinking Italian. Little Sicily’s is amazing. How about 6:00 p.m.? Sound good?”
“Sounds great, only this time I’m buying.”
“Nah, I asked you out.”
I frown. “Yes, but you can’t always pay. Let me buy you dinner, Ben. I want to.”
He sighs. “Okay. But if we go to a bar after, I’m paying.”
“We’ll see.”
“Looking forward to it, Jude.” There’s a smile in his voice. “Talk soon.”
I hang up and slip my phone into my pocket. When I come back to the living room, Liam is staring at the TV like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen. The only problem with his act is it’s a feminine hygiene commercial.
“Everything good?” he asks without looking over.
“Yeah. Just making plans with Ben.”
He nods, his jaw tight. I sit back down, leaving a careful distance between us, and pick up my book. It’s impossible to focus though because I can feel tension radiating from Liam.
Liam clears his throat. “So, is he the first guy you’ve dated since you moved here?”
Surprised at the question, I peer at him over the book. Before we became friends I’d have said that’s none of his business. However we’re closer now, so maybe it’s not weird that he’s curious? “Yes,” I say cautiously.
“I wouldn’t have thought he was your type.”
“No?” I wrinkle my brow. “Why not?”
“I don’t know. I picture you with someone more down to earth.”
I laugh. “He’s perfectly down to earth.”
“Didn’t he seem a little cocky to you? Overly confident. I didn’t think you’d like that in a guy.”
I lift one shoulder. “You have to be a little overly confident as a gay guy, otherwise you’d never get laid.”
His mouth thins. “I don’t need to hear about your sex life.”
“Good because my sex life is none of your business.” I set my book down. “Ben is a nice guy. So what if he’s a little aggressive? What do you care? You don’t want me.”
He turns his head slowly and the look in his eyes makes my pulse spike alarmingly. His wolf is once more bristling. His eyes are a yellow-brown, and his nostrils flared. “Are you trying to get a reaction out of me, Jude? I wouldn’t if I were you. I’m in no mood tonight.”
I narrow my eyes, feeling breathless. “You started this conversation. You asked about Ben. I didn’t volunteer anything.”
“I was being polite.”
“By criticizing Ben?” I laugh. “Bullshit. You don’t like him and you wanted me to know that.”
He curls his lip. “Your words, not mine. I thought the guy came on a little too aggressive. Forgive me for looking out for my friend”
“I don’t need you to look out for me. I’m a big boy, Liam.” I stand, deciding maybe I’ll spend the rest of the evening in my room. “You should worry about your own relationship. Not mine.”
“My relationship is great,” he snaps, turning back to the TV.
“Good, I hope it is,” I force myself to say. “You’re my friend and I want you happy. I mean that. I hope you and Kara get married and have a bunch of babies. I hope she’s everything you ever wanted or needed. Because I actually do care about you, Liam. I care about your happiness.”
He hesitates. “And you don’t think I care about yours? Is that what you’re implying?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You don’t know?” His voice goes up at the end. “I let you live with me because I care. Are you serious right now?” He looks wounded. “How can you say that I don’t care about your happiness?”
I cross my arms. “You seem like you’re mad at me and I don’t know what I did wrong. All I did was go on a damn date. Why am I the bad guy here?”
His cheek twitches. “I’m not mad at you, Jude.”
“Sure seems like you are.”
“I’m not.” He lets out a harsh breath and he turns away. “I’m just tired and I’m not in a great mood. It’s been a weird few days.”
I can’t argue with him there. “Okay. Well, just… just, don’t rag on Ben, okay? I’m just trying to get to know him. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. I think you can do better, that’s all.”
“Guys aren’t knocking down the door, Liam,” I grumble. “In case you haven’t noticed.”
“What’s the big rush to meet someone?” He scowls. “You just moved here. Why don’t you get settled in more before you go looking for… love… or whatever?”
“Why would I have to wait? I… I just want to have what everyone else gets to have. Is that so wrong of me?” I ask hoarsely. “You have Kara, and that’s great. But I want someone too.”
He winces. “Of course you should have someone special in your life, if that’s what you want.”
“Why wouldn’t I want that?” I mutter. “I get lonely just like anyone else.”
He grimaces. “Fair enough. I’m sorry, Jude.”
I sigh and say softly, “It’s okay.”
He’s quiet for a minute. “Look, I realize things are fucked up between us because of me. I know that, okay? I know I’m the one who screwed everything up.” He pinches the skin between his eyes, head lowered. “I feel like you’re pulling away from me and… I don’t want to lose you… your friendship.”
“I don’t want to lose that either.”
“I’ll do better.” He looks up and there’s the hint of a smile on his lips. “You sure you want to be my friend? I can be kind of an asshole sometimes.”
“I noticed,” I say, but smile to soften the words. “But, yeah, I want to be your friend still.” I don’t let myself think about what I really want from him. That’s never going to happen. I have to accept what he can give me.
“Good,” he says.
He holds my gaze and there’s frustration in his eyes.
He’s struggling, and seeing that softens me a bit.
Even if he’s in denial about himself, he doesn’t know how to be any different.
He saw one path for himself and he’s stubbornly sticking to it.
He has a right to want the life he wants.
Ultimately, I think he’ll end up unfulfilled because he’s giving into his fears instead of going after what he wants. But it’s his life. It’s his decision.
“I’m not at my best either,” I say. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Something unpleasant flickers in his eyes, but he remains silent.
I pick up the book I was trying to read, and tuck it under my arm. “I think I’m going to do a little reading and go to bed early.”
Disappointment shifts across his features, but he simply nods. “Have a good night, Jude. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“You too.” I head upstairs, feeling his gaze between my shoulder blades.
I don’t know if we can fix what’s broken. Probably not. It was a miracle I even had his friendship for a short time. The last few weeks, because of Liam, I felt like I belonged to something. Maybe even someone.
I didn’t.
I won’t leave Golden Peak, because I like it here. But things will most likely go back to how they’ve always been. I’m a lone wolf for a reason, and the sooner I accept that the better off I’ll be.