Chapter Fourteen #2
Monday night, Kara comes over for dinner. She’s working on her laptop at the dining room table while I chop vegetables and chicken for the stir fry I’m going to make for dinner. I pause slicing when Jude calls down from the top of the stairs.
“Hey, Liam, Ben is coming to pick me up tonight, but I’m running behind.” He sounds harassed. “Can you let him in when he gets here? I’ll be down in just a minute.”
“Uh, sure,” I respond. I’m not looking forward to seeing Ben. I struggle enough with my weird feelings without seeing the guy in person. But staying on good terms with Jude is everything to me, so I’ll do my best to be cordial.
Kara looks up distractedly. “I can get the door, babe.”
“No, it’s okay. You’re working. I’m just cooking.” As I finish speaking, the doorbell rings. My stomach clenches, but I paint on a welcoming smile as I go to the door.
Ben is standing on the porch looking annoyingly put-together. Dark jacket, skinny jeans, and a pink shirt. His auburn hair is stylishly spiked and he smells nice, like warm cedar. His green eyes are friendly and direct as they meet mine.
“Hey, Liam.” He smiles easily. “Jude ready?”
“He’ll be down in a minute. Come in.” I step aside and he enters, glancing around the living room with casual interest.
“Great place,” he says. “I’ve always liked cabin-style houses.”
“Thanks.”
Kara looks up from her laptop. “Hi, Ben. I’m Kara, Liam’s girlfriend.”
“Yeah, I remember you.” Ben smiles warmly. “You were there the night I met Jude.”
“That’s right.” Kara’s smile is equally warm. She likes Ben. Of course she does. Ben keeps Jude away from the house, which thrills her to no end. “Where are you guys going tonight?”
“We’re going back to that Thai restaurant Jude and I ate at on our first date.” He gives a cocky grin. “That was such a great night.”
Kara nods. “I’ve heard wonderful things about that place.” She meets my gaze. “Babe, we should go there sometime.”
“Sure,” I say.
A silence falls but Ben looks comfortable.
His confidence irritates me. He’s not nervous.
It’s obvious he feels no need to try and impress me or seek my approval.
Jude must not have talked about me much, seeing as he thinks my opinion of him means nothing.
He thinks he’s golden and that Jude is all his.
He’s here to pick up Jude and I’m just the nobody roommate.
“So, Ben,” I say, crossing my arms. “What do you do?”
“I run a guide service out of the shop near the resort. Backcountry tours, snowshoeing in winter, hiking in summer. I’m on the mountain more than I’m behind a counter.”
“Sounds fun.”
“It is. I get to be outside most of the time, which is all I really want.” He meets my gaze steadily. “I heard you and Jude went snowboarding together.”
“That’s right.” I smile politely. “Do you snowboard?”
“Hell yeah.” Ben laughs. “In fact, Jude and I talked about going soon. I can’t wait.”
My stomach tenses. “That’s great.” I’m irrationally annoyed that he’s going snowboarding with Jude.
That day Jude and I snowboarded is still special to me.
We had a blast. There was that one weird moment between us when Jude lost his balance and we were so close I could smell his warm skin.
But I mostly pretend that didn’t happen. I still loved that day.
“Jude and I have so much in common.” Ben sighs.
“Oh, yeah? Like what?” I ask against my better judgement.
“Man, just everything.” Ben beams. “We’re perfect for each other. Fucking perfect.”
Kara laughs. “Oh, wow, you’re not holding anything back, are you, Ben?”
“Why would I?” Ben shrugs. “When you find someone as special as Jude, you need to grab on with both hands. And that’s what I’m doing.”
His confidence irks my wolf. I already struggle with the weird feeling that Jude is mine. He’s acting like they’re soulmates. It’s all I can do not the grab him by the scruff and toss him out the front door. He’s known Jude, what? Two weeks? Who does this punk think he is?
But then Jude appears on the stairs and Ben’s whole face lights up.
His eyes soften and he smiles. My anger fades and I feel sick as I watch the two of them.
It’s clear he likes Jude. Genuinely likes him.
And the warm smile Jude gives Ben in return makes my chest ache.
Jude isn’t faking that. He really likes Ben too.
They’re falling in love.
“Sorry,” Jude says, as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. “I lost track of time.”
“No worries.” Ben moves to meet him. “Ready?”
“Yeah.” Jude glances at me and Kara. “See you guys later.”
“Have fun, you two,” Kara calls brightly.
I say nothing because my throat is so tight and dry, I can’t speak.
They leave together, and through the window I watch Ben open the passenger door of his truck for Jude. It’s a small, caring gesture. Jude ducks his head as he climbs in, and I think I see him laughing at something Ben says.
“They’re cute together,” Kara says from behind me.
I turn from the window. “Yeah.”
“Ben seems like a really nice guy. I’m glad Jude found someone.”
“Me too,” I force myself to say.
Until I saw Ben and Jude together this evening, I had this idea in my mind that Ben was a player. A guy simply trying to sleep with Jude. From what I just witnessed, that isn’t what’s going on at all. Ben is sincerely into Jude, and it seems to be mutual.
I go back to cooking dinner, but I’m struggling big time.
Kara expects to spend the night, but I don’t think I can handle that.
I’m sick from thoughts of Ben and Jude together.
Physically ill. I can’t shake the panicked feeling that something has been taken from me.
Stolen. It wouldn’t be right to sleep with Kara when I’m feeling so confused.
Once Kara and I have eaten dinner, we do the dishes together.
I struggle to find the words to uninvite her from sleeping over.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I seriously need to be alone tonight.
Something is wrong with me, seriously wrong.
If she stays the night, she might figure out what a fucked up mess I am.
I hand her the last dish to dry and meet her gaze. “Hey, honey, would you be offended if I had an early night tonight?”
Surprise flickers through her eyes. “You don’t want me to stay?”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to,” I lie. “But, I don’t feel great. My stomach’s been off all day.”
“Oh, no. You should have said something.” She frowns, concerned. “Do you want me to make you some tea with honey?”
“No, I think I just need sleep.” I grimace. “I’m sorry, babe.”
“Don’t apologize for being sick.” She touches my cheek. “It’s not like you can help it.”
Her words make me twice as ashamed. “Still, I feel bad.”
“You shouldn’t,” she says firmly, hanging the dish towel over the sink.
“Thanks for understanding.” I smile weakly. “I’ll probably be better by tomorrow.”
“If not, you should call in sick. You need rest. That’s the best way to get well.” She gathers her purse and I walk her to the door.
I help her put her coat on and kiss her softly at the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know how I’m feeling.”
“Okay.” She goes down the steps to her car.
I watch her taillights fade, feeling guilty because I’m relieved she left.
I know that’s not the way I should feel about the woman I supposedly love.
I should want her near me whether sick or well.
But if I’m honest, being around Kara tonight was a strain.
And that’s not on her, it’s all on me. She hasn’t changed, I have.
I sit on the couch, staring into space. At one point I lie down and pull the blanket on the back of the couch over me.
My plan is just to rest for a bit and then head up to bed, but I fall asleep.
I jerk awake when I hear the sound of a car pulling into the driveway.
My watch says it’s 11:47 p.m. and I can hear the truck engine idling out front.
There’s the sound of the truck doors opening and closing.
If I had any pride at all, I’d hurry upstairs.
I don’t.
Instead, I get off the couch and creep toward the window.
My heart is pounding as I stop near the window, making sure I can’t be seen.
From the edge of the window, I can see them in the truck’s headlights.
Jude is leaning against the passenger’s side door of the truck, his hands in his jacket pockets, and Ben is standing close.
They’re talking, their breath misting between them.
Ben says something that makes Jude smile, and then Ben leans in.
The kiss is slow. Deliberate. Not a goodnight peck.
Ben’s hand slides from Jude’s jaw to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, and Jude goes willingly.
His hands come out of his pockets and settle on Ben’s chest. He leans into the kiss, tilting his head, and even from here I can see the way his body curves into Ben’s.
His hips push forward, as if seeking friction.
My wolf goes nuts. A growl rips from my throat and sweat breaks out on my face.
I clench my fists so hard my nails dig into my flesh, and jealousy roars through me.
My vision blurs, and rage like I’ve never experienced consumes me.
Every instinct I have is screaming at me to go out there, to rip Jude away from this pipsqueak wolf who has no right to touch him, to claim what’s mine.
Mine and only mine.
I groan, the pain in my voice raw as I stagger back from the window. I’m shaking, breathing hard, struggling not to go outside and hurt Ben. My body wants to shift, pure primal instinct trying to take over. I somehow suppress the screaming beast inside of me, and stumble toward the stairs.
Jude will be in any second and he can’t see me like this.
Jesus, I don’t even understand what’s happening to me.
I make it to my room, just as the front door opens.
I close my bedroom door quietly, still fighting the urge to fight someone.
All I can think about is getting my hands around Ben’s throat.
He touched what is mine, and he needs to pay.
That’s all I keep thinking. He’s taking what isn’t his. He should be punished.
Somehow, I control myself. I don’t move.
I lean against the bedroom door, shaking, sick to my stomach, pressing my sweaty face against the wood.
Even from this distance, I can smell Jude’s scent.
I can hear his heartbeat and his soft breathing.
I’m completely in tune to him. It’s like his heartbeat is mine.
My heart races when I hear Jude coming up the stairs.
I have to forcibly stop myself from opening my door and confronting him.
I wince when I smell Ben’s scent mingled with Jude’s as he passes my door.
To stop from opening the door, I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood.
If I go out there right now, I’ll ruin everything between Jude and me.
He’ll hate me. Because what I am right now isn’t his friend Liam.
I’m a mess. An aching, jealous, angry mess.
I want to hurt him like I’m being hurt. I want to punish him for daring to want Ben’s kiss.
No, I don’t dare open this door or I’ll shred any chance of Jude being in my life.
If I see him, lips bruised from Ben’s kisses, I’ll lose my fragile control.
So I stand against that door until I know for sure Jude is in his room. Then I stand there even longer, waiting for my wolf to recede. To let go of me. It takes a long time and by the time my wolf is quiet, I’m weak and sick. I stumble to my bed, and I lie down, eyes burning with unshed tears.
Why did Jude have to come to Golden Peak?
I was happy before he came here. I had my perfect little life all planned out, but now I want something else.
I want someone else. I tried to fight my connection to Jude.
Tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. But the aching truth is from the first night our eyes met in The Fox and The Kettle, I knew he was mine and I was his.
Question is, do I have the courage to try and make him mine?
Doing that will change my entire life. Everyone will look at me differently.
Some people will be accepting, but some won’t.
That’s just a fact. And I’ll lose Kara. Kara who I love.
Who I thought was my future wife. But now, when I’m with her, all I think about is Jude.
How I’d rather be doing whatever we’re doing with Jude.
I’ve betrayed her trust. I didn’t mean to, but I did.
But maybe it doesn’t matter if I have the courage to be with Jude, because he has Ben now.
I saw with my own eyes the way Jude looked at Ben.
He has actual feelings for him, and who’s to say he’d give Ben up for me?
There’s no guarantee of that. Although he was more than willing when I kissed him that one night.
He seemed plenty willing tonight when Ben kissed him too.
That thought is like a dagger through my heart. Is it selfish of me to try for Jude? Or should I be happy for him that he found Ben? A shifter who knows what he wants? Ben knew the minute he saw Jude that he was worth fighting for, while I wrestled with my attraction for a month.
What will happen with Jude is an unknown, but what is known is that I need to break up with Kara right away.
Now that I understand how I feel about Jude, she deserves the truth.
I care about her way too much to lie to her any longer.
She’ll be furious. Hurt. And I don’t blame her one bit.
But I can’t keep lying to her and pretending I want to marry her.
Jude is the one I want. The only one I want.
Unfortunately, my fear of losing the future I saw for myself might have also cost me Jude.