Chapter Eighteen #2
“I can’t help it,” I grumble. “It’s your fault for having him pick you up that night at our house. He was just so fucking sure of himself, and then I saw you guys kiss out by his truck.” I grit my teeth. “I wanted to strangle him.”
“I knew I saw the curtain move.” His tone is accusing.
“Well, it was horrible,” I mutter. “You try watching your mate kiss someone else. See how you like it.”
He gives me an incredulous look. “Been there, done that, Liam.”
“Oh, yeah.” I wince, face heating. “Sorry.”
We fall silent again, then he says, “Do you think maybe we should hold off on telling everyone about us?”
Scowling, I look over at him. “Excuse me?”
He grimaces. “I just mean maybe like a few days? Ben doesn’t know yet and I’d like to be the one to break it to him. Plus, you literally just broke up with Kara. Shouldn’t we give it a few days so that people have time to hear the news?”
I scowl. “But I don’t want to have to pretend you’re not mine.”
Jude laughs. “You sound like a little kid.”
I sigh. “I’m serious. I don’t want to hide this. You’re mine and I want everyone to know that.”
“I want that too, but…” He touches my arm. “Have you thought about the fact the chief will split us up as partners if he knows we’re a couple?”
I hadn’t thought of that and my stomach churns. “Shit.”
“Yep.” He crosses his arms. “There’s no way Chief will let us ride in the same car anymore. He’s not going to risk one of us breaking protocol trying to save the other. No department would allow that.”
He’s absolutely right. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. “I don’t like the idea of you out on patrol with someone else. How do I know they’ll have your back like I will?”
He gives me a self-satisfied look. “And that right there is why Chief will split us up.”
“Well, hell,” I grumble.
“I know, but we need to decide. We’re almost to the station.” He adjusts the visor, looking uneasy. “I say we keep our relationship to ourselves until Saturday, when we go to the Christmas bonfire. You should probably tell Caleb first anyway.”
I sigh. “True. I can call him.”
Jude gives me an encouraging smile. “I don’t want to hide forever.
I want people to know you’re mine. But, like I said, I need time to tell Ben about us, and people need to get used to the idea of you and Kara not being a thing.
” He sighs. “And frankly, I need to get used to the idea of not being your partner at work. I don’t want that to happen today.
I’m not ready for it. I really like working with you, Liam. ”
“I love it too.” I reach over and grab his hand and he squeezes my fingers. “I’m going to miss this. How am I supposed to get through an entire shift without seeing you?”
“We can maybe have lunch together sometimes.”
“Maybe. But now everything is at the beck and call of our schedules.” I rub my thumb over his skin. “This sucks.”
He smiles. “Yeah, but at least you’re mine. That’s what matters.”
I lift his hand to my lips and kiss his warm skin. “Yes, that is what matters. That matters more than anything.”
I drive into the station parking lot and Jude pulls his hand from mine. “What’s the story about why we drove to work together?” he asks, unclipping his seatbelt.
“I don’t know,” I say glumly.
“How about my battery was dead or something?” When I don’t answer, he says, “Liam, we need to have the same story.”
“Fine, your battery was dead.” I shut off the engine, and get out of the car, slamming my door. I feel unsettled now. How am I going to trust anyone else to have Jude’s back the way I would? We have a dangerous job. I feel uneasy at the thought of Jude going out on patrol with anyone but me.
As we approach the station doors, Jude says under his breath, “Liam, knock it off. We’re still partners. You can’t go into the station looking like your cat died. People will ask questions.”
“That’s fine. I broke up with Kara, remember?” I hold the door for him. “I’m supposed to look sad.”
He grimaces. “Oh, yeah, I guess that’s true.”
The door closes behind us and we greet Diane at the front desk. As we’re about to enter the main area of the station, I grab Jude’s arm. “Let’s go to The Fox and The Kettle after our shift. I’ll start letting people know Kara and I aren’t a thing anymore.”
“Okay.” Jude nods. “I’ll text Ben and ask him to meet me there.”
My jaw clenches at the thought of Ben. But I shove down my jealousy because Jude is mine now. I don’t have to worry about the other shifter taking my place. Jude loves me.
Sally is at her desk and when she sees me approaching, something about her expression tells me she already knows about me and Kara. Of course she does, Sally always knows all the gossip of Golden Peak.
I take my seat while Jude goes to text Ben.
Sally comes over and she perches on the edge of my desk. When I glance up, her mouth is turned down. “How are you doing, Liam?”
“I’m okay.”
She grimaces. “I don’t mean to butt into your personal life, but as you know, Kara and I are pretty close. She called me last night and told me you two split up.”
I sigh, trying to look suitably depressed. “Yeah, we did.” I do feel guilty about Kara. Of course I’m sorry that I hurt her. But I can’t be sad that I’ve found my true mate.
“I really thought you two were perfect together.” She fiddles with the pens in the pencil holder on my desk. “I mean, if you guys can’t make it work, is there any hope for the rest of us?”
“Relationships are complex.” I shrug. “You can’t always tell what’s going on from the outside.”
“Apparently not.” She frowns. “I’d have sworn you two would tie the knot.”
“It wasn’t meant to be,” I murmur.
“How are you holding up?” She studies me. “You look like you didn’t get a lot of sleep.”
“I didn’t.” That wasn’t because of Kara though. I didn’t get much sleep because of Jude. We stayed up most of the night, talking and enjoying each other’s bodies. Not something I can share with Sally.
Jude returns and he sits across from me. He says hello to Sally, but then starts writing up a report. His face is tense and I wonder if that’s because of Ben or because Judy is hovering like a vulture.
“Did you hear about Kara and Liam, Jude?” Sally asks.
“Uh, yeah.” He glances up. “It’s a… terrible shame. They were good together.”
I almost laugh because he’s laying it on kind of thick. That might come back to bite him in the ass once everyone finds out we’re together.
Sally turns back to me and she brightens. “Maybe you and Kara will get back together. Sometimes that happens. People break up and then realize they can’t live without each other. Kara said you’re the love of her life.”
Jude grunts and he gets up, heading toward the break room.
I grimace, watching him go. “I don’t see that happening with me and Kara.”
“No?” Sally deflates. “Were the issues just too great?”
“We want different things in life.” I smile at her because I know she means well. “Kara is better off without me, Sally. Trust me when I say that. I’m not the right man for her.”
“Oh.” She stands. “You sound pretty sure.”
“I am. Kara is a wonderful woman. We just aren’t compatible enough to spend the rest of our lives together.”
“I see.” She gives me a sad smile and returns to her desk.
A few minutes later, Jude comes back. “We should head to roll call,” he says gruffly.
Our shift consists of the same kinds of calls we’ve been dealing with lately. Lots of drunk and disorderly incidents and fender benders. The shift feels almost poignant because I know soon Jude won’t be my partner anymore. I’ll miss him and how well we work together.
Once we’re done with work for the day, we get to The Fox and The Kettle early.
I want to spend some time with Jude before Ben arrives.
I won’t lie, I feel insecure, which isn’t like me.
I actually hate it. But I know that Jude really liked Ben.
The thought he could see a future with Ben irks me.
It’s illogical, seeing as I rejected him during that time, but it’s how I feel.
Just the thought of any other shifter thinking Jude could be theirs is aggravating.
Jim is behind the bar as usual. He gives me a sad smile, and I realize he too already knows about Kara and me. Maybe thanks to Kara and Sally, I won’t need to tell anyone we split up. They’re doing the work for me.
Jude and I sit at a table in the corner. That way, we can touch each other more easily without drawing attention. Our legs rest against each other, and our arms brush. I feel content having my mate beside me as I sip my cold beer.
I meet Jude’s eyes. “I called Caleb earlier on our lunch break, but he didn’t pick up.”
Jude’s gaze sharpens. “Oh, okay.”
I smile. “Don’t look so stressed. I promise the pack will accept you. The mate bond is serious business to them. Nobody will question your right to be by my side.”
He drops his gaze, takes a big swig of his beer, and sets his mug down. “I have to tell you something, Liam.”
He looks so grim, my heart stutters. “What’s wrong? Have you changed your mind?”
He appears, confused. “What? You mean about us? Hell no.”
I lean back, relief flooding me. “God, Jude, you looked so serious you scared me.”
“I didn’t change my mind.” He hesitates. “But you might.”
“No.” I scowl. “That’s never going to happen.”
“It might, when you hear what I have to say.” He rubs his face and then meets my gaze. “Back in Atlanta, I… I made a mistake and someone died.”
That gets my attention. “What?” I ask sharply.
He exhales harshly, not meeting my gaze now. “That’s why I left Atlanta.” He keeps his eyes down like he’s afraid to look at me.
“What are you talking about?”
“I told you,” he says softly. “I… I got someone killed.”
Uneasiness shifts through me, but I keep my voice calm. “Jude, what exactly happened?”
“It was on New Year’s Eve last year. I… I let a drunk guy go with a warning.” He still doesn’t look up and his voice is painted with shame. “Later that night, he shot and killed the owner of a liquor store.”
“Shit,” I say gruffly. “Was the guy behaving violently when you came across him earlier in the night?”
He glances up. “No. I wouldn’t have let him go if he was. He was just drunk and depressed and worried about his sick wife. He seemed harmless.”
“Okay.” I study his tense face. “I assume the department did an investigation into your conduct?”
“Yes.” He grimaces. “Internal Affairs found no violation of policy. No disciplinary action was recommended.”
I nod. “That’s good. That’s the outcome you’d want.”
“Yes.” He flicks his gaze to mine and it’s obvious he’s searching for condemnation. There’s so much guilt in his eyes, it makes my heart ache. “My partner didn’t think we should let the guy go that night,” he confesses.
I shrug. “Okay, but if IA didn’t find you at fault, then you weren’t to blame, Jude.”
“But a man died because of me.”
I pull my brows together. “No, a man died because of the behavior of the man who killed him. As cops, we don’t have a crystal ball. All we can do is our best. We work off of gut instinct half of the time, you know that.”
He holds my gaze. “Then why do I feel so guilty?”
I sigh. “Because you’re a good person, and you wish you could turn back time. But you didn’t kill that unfortunate soul, the man who shot him did.”
“But if I’d listened to my partner, David Kim would be alive.”
I narrow my eyes. “We can’t arrest everyone, Jude. Sometimes we let people go and they do bad things later. That’s just how it is. We can’t carry their guilt with us. We’d go insane.”
“Some of the other cops blamed me. My lieutenant did because he was worried about it coming back on him.” Jude scowls. “My partner definitely blamed me.”
I nod and take his hand under the table. His fingers are chilled and I warm them between my palms. “They all let you down. None of them had your back.”
He looks up as if surprised.
I squeeze his hand. “Do you think I don’t understand you?
I do. I know that trusting anyone is hard for you.
You couldn’t trust your parents and you’ve never had the backing of a pack.
Things like what happened in Atlanta just reaffirm for you that nobody can be trusted.
” I grimace. “Sometimes I worry you don’t know I have your back, Jude. But I do. I always will.”
His eyes are suspiciously shiny as he leans back in his chair. “What if Caleb says I’m not good enough to be in the pack?”
“He won’t.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
I laugh gruffly. “Are there other skeletons in your closet I should know about?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t see Caleb having an issue with you, Jude. And even if he did, I’m not giving you up.” He shrugs. “But he won’t. Caleb wants his pack happy and nobody is happier than a wolf who’s found his mate.”
“You sure I’m who you want, Liam?” His voice wobbles. “Maybe you feel trapped by the mate bond. Maybe I’m not who you’d have picked.”
I study him, considering his question seriously.
“I don’t feel trapped. I feel happy. Of course, I have no idea if you’re who I’d have picked without the mate bond because all I know is I can’t live without you.
” I tap my chest. “You’re in here. That isn’t a choice.
I don’t see the point of thinking about what might have been because you’re my mate.
Period. And I love you and I want you and I’m fucking happy I get to have you, Jude. ”
His cheeks are pink by the time I stop talking. Under the table, his hand finds mine again and he gives me a teary smile. “You’re a romantic son-of-a-bitch, Liam.”
I shrug. “Yeah, but I’m your romantic son-of-a- bitch.”
He sighs, looking relieved and way happier. “I think you might be the best damn thing that ever happened to me, Liam.”
I give him a cocky grin. “Well, duh.”