Chapter 10 #3
“It bothered you, though.”
“Sure. Nobody likes to be lied to, even if the lie isn’t a bad one.”
She was glad he didn’t ask why they hadn’t done this before. She wasn’t going to ask him either. He was no virgin, so he certainly didn’t have the same excuse she did. But they had avoided this. Mutually.
For a very long time.
She didn’t know how to act. How to make conversation as they drove out of town.
She remembered that she had told him she didn’t bring men back to her place, but then also, she hadn’t protested when he had suggested they go back to the trailer.
She wondered what he thought of that.
Whether he noticed the discrepancy, or whether he was just as on edge as she was, and therefore not thinking about it one way or the other.
Did people normally make conversation when they were on their way to have sex?
What were you supposed to say? Should she be saying erotic things?
Talking about it as if they were in one of the romance novels Millie liked to read?
Should she say that she wanted to lick him or something?
The very idea made her wish she were dead.
Not the idea of licking him. She liked that idea. She just didn’t want to …
When they got to the action part, she was going to be able to do it. But she couldn’t do any kind of verbal foreplay beforehand. That was above her pay grade.
Luckily the rain provided a soundtrack for the drive, the drops hitting the windshield, the water on the road splashing against the tires. She looked outside, the view blurry from the rivulets of water running down the passenger side window. Making the trees an impressionist blur.
Finally, they pulled up to her house. Finally.
And as soon as they parked, just behind a little copse of trees that would keep the truck from being visible to anyone in her family, he pulled her onto his lap, or rather he tried.
She flailed around until she managed to free herself from her seat belt and then went willingly into his arms. He enveloped her.
His frame was so large, his kiss so deep, so intense.
He moved his hands through her hair, and suddenly she forgot about everything but how much she wanted this.
Because nothing else mattered. Nothing but him. Nothing but this.
Flynn.
The whiskers on his face were rough, his mouth hot.
His hands were sure and certain as they moved down her back, as he urged her against him.
She wanted to strip him naked then and there.
Wanted to free him and hike her dress up and just have it be done.
She needed relief. From this desperate desire for him. From her nervous anticipation.
He kissed her lips, her neck. His mouth. Oh God, his mouth. It was so good. So perfect. Just like him. How had she gone so long without it? How had she resisted this? She hadn’t known what she was missing, that was how. His hands …
They moved over her curves. It wasn’t enough. She wanted more. She wanted his hands on her skin. And logistically, doing it in the truck probably wasn’t a great idea.
“Inside,” she moaned. She wasn’t entirely sure she meant that she wanted him inside her, or that they needed to get inside her house. She had a feeling that one would lead to the other.
He opened the driver’s side door and lifted her out.
His arm was still around her waist as he urged her forward into the house.
She didn’t have time to be embarrassed about his seeing her personal space.
This soft inner sanctum that seemed perfect when she was the only one who ever saw it exposed too much now that he was here.
Her pink bedspread, the stuffed animals that rested against her pillow. But for now, he was kissing her. Then he lifted her up and set her down on the edge of her kitchen counter, moving between her thighs, the hard thrust of his arousal settling there, letting her feel how much he wanted this too.
She could feel how wet she was, how much she wanted it.
Needed it. She pushed her hands beneath the hem of his shirt, her fingertips grazing his stomach muscles and the crisp hair there.
She was desperate to see him. She urged his shirt up over his head, and he accommodated.
Her jaw just about hit the floor when she saw what a perfect specimen he was.
She moved her hand up his chest, back down over his ridged abdomen. She was obsessed. Obsessed.
He was just … everything.
And what about her? What would he think?
She had never been insecure about her looks before; she wore a very specific armor that worked for her.
Men liked the way she looked, but they never got too close.
That suited her. Now she was on the verge of living out every fantasy she’d ever had with Flynn Wilder—what would he think?
Suddenly, that mattered so much. Suddenly, she was terrified.
The rain was loud on the roof of the trailer, their breathing heavy. “Take me,” she whispered.
“Not quite yet,” he said, and he kissed her again, deep and maddeningly slow.
“Come on,” she said, moving her hands to his belt. “We don’t have to make a meal out of this.”
“We absolutely do,” he said, putting his hand over the top of hers. “I’ve wanted to do this for years. And I will take my damn time, Jessie Jane Hancock. You said you wanted to fuck. And I want that too. But we’ll do it on my terms.”
“I didn’t agree to that.”
He moved his hand around to the back of her head, held her steady as he looked into her eyes. “What are you in such a hurry for?”
She wanted to look away from him. She didn’t want to feel this. Not this deep. Not this real. “I …”
“Don’t be scared of me, Jessie. We both knew this was inevitable. We were silly to try to fight it for so long.”
Maybe he thought it was inevitable. But she never had. She had thought maybe she could stay protected in a cocoon of her own for years and years.
Forever.
And suddenly she was shivering, shaking. On the verge of something she didn’t have words for.
“Jessie?”
She closed her eyes and grabbed his face, went back in for a kiss. She kissed him so fiercely, she couldn’t think. Yes. This was what she wanted. What she needed. Fast and hard. She needed to not think about it. She needed to not feel.
He pulled back, and he was breathing hard and heavy. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re talking too much,” she said. Her mouth felt foreign to her, like a stranger’s. Her lips were swollen from kissing him. From desire.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m just impatient.”
“You look scared. And I don’t want to have sex with a woman who’s afraid of me.”
“I’m not scared.”
“Jessie …”
And suddenly, the truth bubbled up inside her. Because she had brazened things out all her life. If a person persisted, kept on pressing, you just had to admit it. And act as if it wasn’t a big deal.
“I’ve never done this before,” she said. “But I’m impatient, so let’s get it going.”
“Stop,” he said, putting his hand over hers, square in the center of his chest. “What do you mean you’ve never done this before?”
“Sex. I’ve never had it before. But that’s not a big deal. I’m ready to have it now.”
“That … that’s not possible,” he said.
He looked dizzy and disoriented. The one thing she could say about her admission was that she had definitely taken some of the power back here, because he obviously had no idea what to say.
No idea what to do.
She might have just dumped a bucket of ice water over what had been a very pleasant encounter.
“Yes, it is. Because I haven’t.”
“I’ve seen you leave The Watering Hole with men before.”
“Have you?”
The thing about her legend was that it was so secure, nobody ever really questioned it.
What they saw versus what they thought they saw; the truth versus what they thought they knew.
It hurt her a little bit to know that Flynn was the same, that he didn’t magically see her in a way no one else had. But it didn’t matter. Not really.
“I … I was sure I had.”
“A lot of people are sure they have. And there are plenty of men who like to brag to their friends that they’ve done it with me. I kind of let the rumors go on. Mainly because I think they’re funny.”
“Jessie … you’re beautiful.”
“I know. Not having sex is my choice. It isn’t because nobody wanted me.”
And that, at least, was true. Not any kind of false bravado.
This wall of protection she had built around herself was entirely of her own making. She had been comfortable with it. Happy with it.
Until Flynn. Until this whole thing had become inevitable. Until she had decided that there was no point avoiding it anymore.
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, does it put you off?”
He stared at her for a long moment. “No. As long as you’re clear that you want to do this, it doesn’t put me off at all.”
“I’m the one who said I wanted to do it, aren’t I?”
“Yes. You are.”
“I want to. You’re the one who didn’t know I was a virgin, not me.
” Using the word in front of him made her want to curl into a ball and hide.
But she wasn’t going to do that. She was going to be bold.
She was going to be that version of herself she knew worked well. “We don’t need to go slow or anything.”
“I want to do this,” he said. “But I need you to realize something. I’m the expert. So you don’t get to tell me what to do. If you want me to be your first time, then you let me show you.”
“Well, what if you don’t do what I like?”
“Then you tell me. Me being in charge doesn’t mean you don’t get a say in what feels good and what doesn’t.
In fact, it’s very important that you tell me exactly what feels good, and anything that might not.
But we can’t go fast. We need to take our time.
You only get to do this for the first time once, Jessie, and I am not going to waste that. ”