Chapter 18
There were so many things I didn’t understand until Benjamin.
That love can be stronger than fear, that forgiveness is better than anger.
That hope is not foolish at all, not even in the slightest. At our wedding, I thought of my mother, and how she always dreamed of a better life, but her hope only brought her agony.
But it helped me live. It helped me find my way here.
It helped me find my way to him. I didn’t believe in happiness, much less happily ever after.
But now I know how to hold on to what matters. I’m never letting go.
The crowd assembled at the bar for the election results was spirited indeed. Jessie Jane had never felt so supported. So accepted. Whatever the result tonight, everything was going to be okay. It was.
She tried not to think about Flynn, because that just hurt, and he wasn’t here.
His family was, though. Even without him.
She knew they were holding back questions, but they didn’t ask them.
In fact, no one did, which made her feel alternately irritated and relieved.
There were little graphs on the screen, showing the votes being tabulated, and the very niche local elections were coming in more slowly, with the results being shown less frequently, because the state elections were the main thing being covered.
Her brother walked up behind her and squeezed her shoulders. “It’s going to be good,” he said.
“I hope so.”
And she meant that. But she meant more than just the election.
Then the door to the bar opened, and in he walked.
Flynn Wilder. All six-foot-plus of gorgeous cowboy, a sight that had affected her ever since she was in high school.
Chiseled jaw, brilliant green eyes, broad shoulders, and a muscular chest. Washboard abs.
Muscular thighs that she wanted to lick.
That she had licked. In that blinding moment when he had walked in, it was like the first time she’d seen him.
Like all the years combined. Would he always affect her like this?
His eyes locked with hers, and her knees went wobbly. “Flynn Wilder,” she said. “Howdy.”
“Jessie Jane Hancock. I’d like to speak to you outside.”
“Sure,” she said.
She cleared her throat and looked at everyone. The room had gone stone-cold silent. “Excuse me.”
He put his hand on her lower back and ushered her through the door. She found herself out on the street, staring at the neon sign above The Watering Hole with its curvy cowgirl, just like that night she had first asked him to engage in their charade.
Maybe he was about to shake her hand and tell her it was a job well done. Though it seemed a little weird not to wait until after the election results were announced.
“Well?”
“I just wanted to talk,” he said.
And suddenly, with burning conviction, she knew she needed to tell him.
She had to put herself out there. She had to open herself up.
She couldn’t be safe. She couldn’t let him walk away.
Maybe she would open herself up to rejection.
On the same night she might lose an election.
She didn’t care. Because she loved him. And she needed to know if he loved her too.
“I love you.”
It came out at exactly the same time he said it.
His mouth opened just slightly, and he looked dumbfounded. “I love you,” he said.
“No,” she said. “I love you.”
He laughed. That bastard laughed. Like it was hilarious, when she had been marinating in pain for days.
“I … What’s funny?”
“I knew it,” he said. “I just … Jessie Jane, I kept thinking that love seemed terrible. That it was hard. Because every time I tried to fit myself into my family, it was like pulling teeth. And I associated love with that feeling. And then my brother Carson got married, and his wife died. And then he and Perry just about took each other apart getting together, and … I’ve just seen love hurt a lot more than I’ve ever seen it do anything else.
At least, that was what I was focusing on.
But I realized today, that isn’t us. I think sometimes love is just right.
And it can be easy. But when it comes into your life, you have to hold on to it. ”
“Flynn,” she said, “that is so … I can’t believe you said that. Because my mom gave me Belle Hancock’s diary. My ancestor who used to be a prostitute in Jacksonville.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Oh?”
“It’s a good story. But the whole story is going to have to wait.
Right now, the important this is that she said something about love.
About how love is something you have to learn to hold in your hands.
And not let it go. And when you have so many disappointments in your life, or you’ve been rejected, it’s hard to believe that it can be that simple.
But I really think it can be. I just needed to be brave.
And that was what I needed to tell you, whatever you were going to say to me.
I had to tell you not to be afraid of being rejected. ”
“I’m so sorry I made you afraid. You didn’t deserve that.
You have been nothing but wonderful. Nothing but a miracle.
You understand me in ways no one else does.
And you make me understand myself. I just thought love always had to be a fight.
And like maybe that was the way it was going to be for me.
Because of how I was born, or just … But it’s not, is it?
Not for us. It’s not going to be like that for us. ”
“No.”
“Do you know why I never hit on you? Why I fought with you instead of …”
“Fucking me?”
“Exactly that.”
“Tell me.”
“Because it was always going to be this. And I think that scared me most of all. Because I wasn’t ready yet.
To look at all the things I’ve been through.
To really dig into all the stuff I felt about myself.
I just spent my whole life feeling there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
Like I wasn’t good enough. And that was why I had to fight so hard to be loved.
But I’ve been going over all the things I said to Michael, and some things my mom said to me this morning.
It was never me. I didn’t put myself in this situation.
It was the people around me. And the whole goddamned town.
If they didn’t make it so hard, it wouldn’t be.
But we understand each other. And that’s why it’s easy.
We are not trying to protect ourselves or consolidate our power to make ourselves look better.
We just want each other. We accept each other.
More than that, we really like each other. ”
She laughed. “I do. I like you so much.”
“I like you so much that I love you. We’ve always been more the same than different, no matter how much we didn’t want to admit it.
Just two battered and bruised outlaws who want somebody to love them.
For who they are.” He laughed. “This is not my forte. Austin is a writer. He would do a way better job of professing his love than me.”
“What about Carson?”
“By all accounts, Carson kind of made a mess of it. But he seems to be doing okay now.”
“Well, good thing I don’t care what either of them would do. I only care about you.”
“Me too. That’s all I care about.”
The door to the bar opened just as Flynn leaned in to kiss her, and his lips were hovering over hers when Cassidy shrieked, “Jessie Jane! You won!”
Her eyes flew wide, and her stomach dropped. But then Flynn smiled. “I know I did,” she said.
Because she had. Whatever the result of the election, she would’ve won. So she kissed him instead of cheering. Kissed him, even as the crowd inside the bar went wild.
And when they parted, they both looked into the bar. “You’re going to be the first outlaw mayor.”
“And you’re going to be my first man. But first you have to make an honest woman out of me.”
“I don’t want to make an honest woman out of you. I want you to stay exactly the way you are. I’ll marry you all the same, though.”
And right then she knew exactly what she wanted. Flynn Wilder, forever.
She had always thought of herself as a collection of rather toxic traits. But somehow, they had all led her to this moment. To victory, but more importantly, to Flynn.
So maybe there was something just right about her after all.
With that realization, a lifetime of feeling put together wrong just faded away.
Flynn took her hand and led her into The Watering Hole, and the whole town cheered.
“You did it,” Cassidy said, bouncing around the room.
Austin shook his head. “I’ll be damned.”
“You’re amazing, sis,” West said, clapping her on the back.
“I’m awfully proud of you,” her dad said, his eyes shining bright as her mom stood next to him happily.
And then Flynn took her in his arms. “Did you always know that you could do anything?”
“No. I thought I had to pretend to be somebody else to even have a friend. But it turns out, I just needed to be me.”