Chapter 14 #2
“Of course not, Fanso, but you haven’t exactly explained anything to me.
In the last week, I lost my mother-in-law and my livelihood.
I discovered I’m being watched by the cartel, and today, I learned my husband is alive.
I’ve lost my home. I killed a man who chased us, and now I’m hiding in fucking suburbia with five people whose names I don’t even know.
Forgive me, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now! ”
Ildefanso pointed around the room. “Midas is the voice you’ve been hearing over the speakers. Nemo is the blond, and TB is the giant. Demon is the guy with the Irish accent, and Medusa is the woman who drove us here. Oh, and Scheherazade is the dog. What else do you need?”
“Bastardo!” She stormed back to the bedroom he’d taken her to when they arrived.
She heard him following her down the hall, and he slammed the door behind him once he’d crossed the threshold.
“What the fuck is the matter with you?” he asked.
“Are you serious right now, Ildefanso? Can you honestly tell me there’s a reasonable explanation as to why you left your madre and went to work as a mercenary?
She’s dying, Ildefanso! Her last memories of you are when they came to tell us you were dead, which clearly was a lie. You lied to your own mother!”
She could feel herself gearing up for another fight.
She hated this part of herself—the part that couldn’t contain all the negative feelings inside.
It had gotten her into trouble so many times in her life.
It had led to bruises, cuts, and broken bones.
Isolation in guarded rooms. Yet even still, she couldn’t seem to curb it.
Only when Ildefanso had come into her life had it stopped. Most of the time.
A flash from her past came back in a rush. She’d mouthed off to his brother, Guillermo. Ildefanso had sent her to their rooms. At the time, she’d been furious at being sent away like a naughty child. She remembered when he entered their room almost an hour later.
The door clicked as it opened, then closed softly. He’d gone straight to the bathroom connected to their suite of rooms and shut the door. The shower turned on. Still fuming mad, she’d begun to pace in the darkness, waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. She was so going to let him have it!
Finally, he came out, but when she tried to rail at him for sending her to their rooms like a naughty child, he merely caught her in his arms and wrestled her to the bed.
As he lay on top of her, she heard a soft groan and felt him harden against her.
Then his lips were on hers, and soon she forgot why she was mad as they fought each other for the dominant position in the bed.
Eventually, he let her on top, but he guided every movement, every kiss.
She ripped herself out of the memory. He’d let her be on top to better control her. To keep her from hurting him. He may have wanted her, but that groan hadn’t been one of passion. It had been one of pain.
“Por la Santísima Virgen María. How often did you take the beatings for me?” she whispered.
His expression locked down, harder than she’d ever witnessed before. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t lie to me, Fanso. Whenever my mouth ran away with me, you always sent me out of the room.
My brothers, your brothers, your father, whoever.
They wouldn’t have hesitated to let me know I had stepped out of place, but when they married me to you, it stopped.
I always assumed they stopped because I was your property to discipline, but it wasn’t that at all. ”
“It was a long time ago, Leeza. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It most certainly does matter! Did you take beatings for your madre as well? For Tobias?”
Again, he didn’t answer her, his jaw twitching as he clenched his mouth closed. It was all the answer she needed.
She felt tears and anger well up inside her, but she would never let the former show, and she clamped down hard on the latter. “Why?”
“Because it was my job as your husband, her son, his father, to protect you.”
She collapsed on the edge of the bed, her arms wrapped around her stomach. “So why did you do it? Why did you leave her?”
He leaned against a dresser across from her, his arms crossed. He closed himself off from her, just like he always did. This didn’t feel like protection for her. It felt like protection for him. A buffer to keep them ever separate. It was only a few feet, but it might as well have been a mile.
“My team doesn’t know the whole story. I only gave them what they absolutely needed.
When you and I were being questioned,” he began, “they threatened to deport you and Madre back to Argentina if I didn’t cooperate.
Had that happened, you would have been killed before you even got off the plane.
So, I agreed to their plans. New team. Faked death.
Work for them in whatever capacity they wanted.
“A few years into that work for the Navy, I was liberated by Waters and offered a job with the corporation he worked for, called Tribe. And here I am. Again, it was on the condition that my family still believed me to be dead. The people we were working against, they could use family and friends as leverage against us, and eventually they proved that to be true. There was no way I was going to run that risk.”
“Your mother was living with dementia. She was of no help to anyone with information.”
He looked over at the wall, his jaw tense as if he were gritting his teeth.
“Doesn’t matter. Enemies don’t care. If they know there’s a soft spot, that’s where they hit their opponents.
I would have done anything for her. And for you.
” He looked back at her. “You never understood that. You never understood what lengths I would go to for you. To make sure you were as happy as you could be. I wanted to give you everything, belleza. And just like then, you’re still making it difficult because you either didn’t see it or you didn’t want what I was offering. ”
“I don’t understand.” A sickening churning began in her stomach. She feared she understood exactly what he meant.
“I protected you when others would want to hurt you. I indulged your every whim because I wanted to see you smile. I gave you a child when it was the last thing I should have done.” His voice broke on the mention of their boy.
She opened her mouth to speak, but he held up a hand to stop her.
“Not because I didn’t want our son. But I should have resisted having a child with you because I knew it would be another pressure point with my family.
They already had too much ammunition. Too much to keep me there under their thumb.
And obviously, it was too dangerous for him, based on what happened.
“When he died, you clutched him in your arms so tightly, it was like you were willing your life into his body. You truly would have given your life for his if you could. I saw the pain in your eyes when you realized he was never coming back. You withdrew, and no matter what I tried, you wouldn’t come back to me. ”
“I’d lost my son. It felt like my world had been torn in two.”
“And you don’t think I felt the same?”
“You always seemed so calm,” she said softly. “Like you were taking it in stride. You were cold. You never spoke of him, not to me. It was like you couldn’t.”
“You’re right. I couldn’t. Even thinking about him caused more pain than I’d ever experienced before.
I didn’t want to add to your pain. Then, when they told me what the price was for keeping you safe, I grabbed onto it because I thought maybe my leaving would help you heal.
If I wasn’t around, you wouldn’t be reminded of his death and how I caused it.
I hoped it would let you move on with your life, even if it was without me.
” He huffed out a laugh. “It wasn’t as if you’d wanted to marry me in the first place. ”
Standing up from the bed, she rubbed a hand across her forehead and moved away from him. The man blamed himself for their son’s death. It was no one’s fault. A terrible tragedy of circumstance. All these years, it must have eaten at him.
With time, if they’d been able to stay together, would they have worked through it? Would they have been able to grieve together and overcome it? Maybe even had other children? She’d loved being a mother, even in the hell that the circumstances had been.
She’d loved everything about being with Ildefanso, aside from his family.
When she turned around, she knew she was on the verge of crying, but he needed to know the truth.
“I never blamed you, Fanso. I was grieving. Angry, yes, but never at you. So lost over my part in his death. He was innocent in our families’ actions, yet he was the one who suffered.
” She crossed to him, placing her hands on his forearms where they were folded in front of him.
“Maybe I didn’t choose to marry you that day, but I chose you every day after. You’re a good man, Fanso. Always were.”
She watched him swallow hard. His silver eyes showed no warmth. He was walling off his emotions. She knew that look well from their time together.
With a sigh, she gave up. There was no reaching him now.
Choosing to refocus on the facts of her situation, she asked, “What happens now?”
“You’ll stay here. We’ll leave guards with you to protect you. Once we take care of my father, rescue our friends… Once we know you’ll be safe, you’ll be moved to another location. Given another identity. You’ll be able to move forward.”
“But without you.”
He moved to the door, opened it, and began to exit. “It’s better this way. Our past sits too heavily between us, and it would only tear us apart again. I choose not to hurt you in that way again.”
He left the room, heading toward the front of the house.
“Estúpido,” she ground out, her eyes on the ceiling. “You married me to a stupid man, then made me fall in love with him.”