Chapter 8 #2
“It is.” He rested his hands on the saddle horn.
Patsy Cline didn’t need much guidance from him.
She seemed to know his routine and what to do.
His back was straight, but he rode relaxed, his boots half out of the stirrups like he’d taught her to do.
“It also makes calving easier when the cattle are closer.”
“Calving can be bad?”
He shot her a wry smile. “Depends on the weather. Gram used to say the true test of a marriage was how many calving seasons they survived. I’ve got to watch the cows for problems during birthing, and if that means checking her out every hour all night long, then that’s what I do.
If there’s complications, I can usually deal with it without calling Bunny.
Then there’s the care of the calf. Is it accepted by the mom?
Does the mom know what to do? Some heifers—first-time moms—get startled by their own young. ”
“That sucks.” What a lame comment. She silently berated herself for her answer. Would he read more into it, like he was talking about his own mom?
If he read more into it, he didn’t act like it.
“It does. Sometimes, another cow’ll take over.
Sometimes, she just needs a moment. If she doesn’t come around, we bottle feed.
If the weather’s frigid, or if it’s windy and snowy, then we bring them into the barn.
I’ve caught a lucky streak the last few years and the cows haven’t birthed during a major storm.
Some years, it feels like they all drop when the weather goes to hell. ”
“Sounds more fun than working inside all day.” Even on a chilly, cloudy day when she was regretting not packing a light hat and gloves, it was invigorating being outside.
“I wouldn’t trade it. If I curse getting up in the middle of the night to go out into a blizzard, all I have to do is remember having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to work out with a bunch of smelly men.
Or spending months in the desert where the days are hot and the nights get so freaking cold.
Then cow shit doesn’t seem so bad because it’s my cattle and my place. ”
“Tell me how you really feel.”
Cash grinned, one of his megawatt grins that tumbled through her insides. This one seemed real, not glossing over another emotion.
“Was my brother miserable?” Her abrupt subject change probably ruined the mood, but she’d come here for Perry. She couldn’t forget her goal, couldn’t go back home to the same old routine, minus one uptight Ellis.
Cash fell silent. The horses walked side by side.
“He was as miserable as any of us.”
Abbi glared at him. “That sounds like a carefully crafted answer.” She just didn’t know why. If Perry had been unhappy, why not admit it?
Cash rolled a shoulder. “We all had our issues. Dealing with them far away from home, where we felt useless to the ones we love, took its toll on everyone. We all dealt with it in our own way.”
“What would he feel useless about? I was in college, and Mom and Dad are Mom and Dad.”
“I don’t know, Abbi. Maybe he just did.”
“No, I think he talked and you’re not telling me.” She’d grown accustomed to Cash freely chatting with her about subjects she suspected he didn’t share with many other people. But when it came to her brother, his body language was tight, monitored. It was like a wall had gone up between them.
His jaw formed a hard line and he glared into the distance. The horses took step after step, lulling Abbi into almost dropping the subject.
“Would it make you feel better?” Cash finally spoke. “To know that he was worried about you? Or would you use it to wallow in self-pity?”
“I’m not like that.”
“Aren’t you? Have you had anyone close to you die and wonder what you could’ve done to change it? You came here because you felt like you didn’t do enough for Daniels—Perry—so if I tell you what bothered him in the months before he died, I can’t imagine you’d say, ‘oh, okay,’ and move on.”
“It’s my choice.” Abbi gripped her reins firmly without tugging on Mandrell. Her curiosity and concern over Perry’s last moments threatened to overwhelm her until she couldn’t breathe.
“Maybe if your brother wanted you to know what he fretted over, he’d have told you.”
Abbi stared at the man riding next to her.
His cheeks were tinted pink from the chilly air, but he wore just a light jacket over his long-sleeved shirt.
He rode as if the horse weren’t even there, he and Patsy Cline so in sync.
She wanted to be angry and stomp away, but she wasn’t exactly in a position to do so.
Why wouldn’t he just talk to her? She’d used her vacation time to drive all the way up here.
She’d even toasted a long-term relationship to come, but Cash didn’t know that.
Perry had been plagued by personal problems when he’d died. At least she had that confirmation. Would he have talked to her, eventually? She mulled it over.
“It was me, wasn’t it? Perry was worried about me.
” Her throat grew thick. Of course. Perry was her older brother and he was halfway around the world while she partied all night and scraped passing grades together during the day.
Her parents always hounded her about repeating failed classes because they’d raided their pension to pay for college.
Had they shared their troubles with Perry?
Cash’s expression turned bleak. She’d nailed it. Oh my god . Had Perry’s concern over her been a source of distraction for him in the field? Oh god. She might’ve been the reason he’d made a deadly mistake.
The contents of her stomach welled up until she feared she’d hurl in front of Cash again. Would the horse panic and bolt? She had zero knowledge of what to do right now.
“Hey.” Cash’s voice was low as he rode closer.
“You have to understand, Abbi. Brothers just worry about their sisters. We might be shit at showing our love by pointing out all the crazy plans going on in your head, but we take our role as protectors seriously. Only, when you’re so far away and communication is hard, and every minute of your life is dictated by the military, it only amplifies what’s banging around our heads. ”
Abbi cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, his words seeping in. “Yeah, I guess I can see that.”
“You have to understand, too, that whatever was going on with him, it was him, not you. Don’t take the way he thought and acted on yourself.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me?” What had Perry said? She was a selfish, irresponsible sister and should go easier on her parents?
He scowled at the space between his horse’s ears. “No. He was just a brother who was a soldier. If you’re looking for anything more, it’ll just lead to insanity.”
She sighed, starting to think he was right.
Grief had made her look too much into this.
She’d had a hard enough time with Perry’s death; if she took on unnecessary blame, it’d destroy her, and that’d destroy Mom and Dad.
She’d made progress and that was enough for now. “Your sister drives you crazy, huh?”
“God, yes.” Cash’s frustrated expression remained in place. “She’s so much younger than me, I feel like I was gone during her formative years. By the time I got home, she was off to college and…”
“Partying and barely passing her classes.” Wryness tinted her words.
“Been there, done that?”
She chuckled. “Drove my family nuts. I was always a bit of a loose cannon. I mean, if anyone tossed out the call for a daring adventure, I was on board.”
“Was?”
She nodded. “I’ve really grown up.” She almost winced at the bitterness in her voice.
A sexy smile curved his lips. “The other night was you all grown up?”
That earned him a dirty look. “Ha-ha. No, it was more like a temporary regression.”
A moment of hurt crossed his face.
“Not that I regret it,” she added hastily. “I just regret the drinks I had before you joined me.”
His sharp gaze pinned her, but she couldn’t read his expression. When he looked away and the heat of his speculation left her, she wanted to jump over the saddle and get it back.
“Remember how to turn Mandrell?” he asked. “We’d better get back.”
After they swung the horses around—and hers had noticeably picked up her pace now that home was in sight—he asked, “So what does a grown-up Abbi usually do?”
She snorted a laugh. “Boring shit.” She swept her hand around them. “This is the most exciting thing I’ve done in years. God, I feel like I’ve been in prison since I graduated and got a job.”
“I still say you can find work you’re passionate about.”
“Maybe.” Not without Ellis’s contribution to the bills.
Now she had to pay for her own roof over her head.
“But after Perry’s funeral, I saw how important it was I don’t heap additional stress onto my parents.
I can’t bring myself to disrupt what peace they’ve found.
” But at the same time, she refused to go back to the world where Ellis and Mom and Dad ran her life.
No one was making decisions for her from now on.
Yes, the way she’d acted in college had been immature, but not out of the ordinary for a young college woman, certainly not enough for her to sign over control of her life and the decisions she made.
When Perry’s life insurance paid her tuition, she couldn’t throw her education away by being a precocious girl.
Coming here had been her first act as a grown-ass woman, albeit a few years too late.
She couldn’t go back and be the girl who never rippled the waters after this.
But she’d better call Mom when she got back.
They’d be mollified as long as she touched base, and it was worth being lectured that Ellis had her best interests in mind and she should listen to him.
Ignoring his texts was more power than she’d had over her life lately.
Cemented into her newfound identity, she didn’t retreat into her mind for the rest of the ride. Instead, she asked more about his sister.
“She’s in nursing school, taking after Mom. Well, she’s planning on nursing. She has to get into the program, and I don’t know if her grades will make the cut.”
“What’s her backup plan?”
He let out a gusty sigh. “I doubt she has one.”
Yep, worried brother. She adjusted her position in the saddle. As exhilarating as horseback riding was, her nether region wasn’t used to it. Cash could probably ride for days.
His house came into sight and he muttered, “What now.”