Chapter 23 The Walls have Ears
~ JANN ~
The door slammed hard behind Caelan as she fled, but I ignored it, rushing to the side of the bed to haul a pale, shaking Diadre out of the blankets, and into my lap. I curled around her, clawing a hand into her hair—startled by her nakedness, but thankful for it because it brought us closer.
“Thank God… thank God…”
“Jann, I’m fine.”
“I thought you were gone. I thought they had you—”
“I was just late getting back!”
I pulled my head back far enough to meet her tired—and surprisingly angry eyes. “You were back after dawn. After daylight, and with no word.”
“It’s not like I can send a messenger through the shadows,” she grumbled. Her eyes were hooded with weariness, and she looked very pale.
“Were you sick again?” I asked quietly, my heart pounding so hard my skin thrummed, even in the fingers I used to comb a strand of hair back from her face.
She shook her head. “I was tired, but mostly good while I was out. It was when I got home. I felt sick. Caelan helped me. She was very worried.”
“I was worse,” I growled.
Her lips thinned, but her eyes flashed a warning. “You shouldn’t have scared her like that. You startled me, and I wasn’t the one you yelled at.”
“I’ll apologize tomorrow.”
“Why would you be so hard on her?”
“She was supposed to send me a message if she found you.”
“She didn’t find me. I just arrived.”
“She was supposed to tell me that. She’s been flagging in her duties, and I’m just—”
“We’re all struggling, Jann. This is scary for everyone. She has the least control of all of us. You frightened her. She’ll be in her little room, afraid you’re going to stop protecting her!”
“I’d never do that!” I protested. Diadre kept talking, but I couldn’t take it in. Couldn’t think about anything, except the fact that she was here and safe, and my fears had been unfounded.
I couldn’t stop holding her to me. Wished we could stop talking and just dive into each other and stay there, and ignore the world. Instead, of course, my fierce, lovely, slavemaster-hating mate would stand in defense of Caelan. I was just glad that she was alive to do so.
Her, and our son.
Dear God, I’d never felt so afraid in my life. My heart still pounded. As I reached for her, to cup her ass and pull her tighter against me, my hands shook.
“…can’t just start roaring every time something goes wrong. If I’m on a mission, I might get held up, and it might be dangerous. That’s why we’re here, because we take the risks no one else will.”
I squeezed her harder against my chest. “These late night missions have to stop—”
“Abso-fucking-lutely NOT,” Diadre snapped, bracing an arm against my chest, and shoving at me until I gave her more space, and she could meet my eyes. “No, Jann. You are not binding me! It’s the only freedom I have! I can shadow walk. I’ll just leave!”
“Don’t you dare,” I growled, truly furious with her for the first time. “Don’t you dare threaten me with that. Don’t you dare risk our son—”
“Of course I’m risking our son, and myself! And you! Just as you are! That’s what we do, Jann! We take risks, and we pray and we hope we win, so that the risks are worth it. Because no one else can do this. I’m the one that was put here for this. Me and Yilan.”
“Yilan isn’t carrying a baby!”
“Well I am, and I will continue to carry him until it’s his time. But I’m not stopping the few ways that I can actually fight—”
“You don’t need to fight. That’s what I’m here for!”
“It’s a different fight—a different battle front, remember!” she hissed.
“There’s a dozen ways we can—”
“Oh, really? Name one! Name one more that is safer than this? One more that’s effective? Because this way, I contribute something positive to this shitshow—and it’s working!”
“Working? You’re spending all night every night wearing yourself into the ground, sick as a dog, to whisper into the ears of—”
“Tonight I scared the shit out of Althok.”
I stopped cold, watching my mate’s face stretch into a smug smile as she raised her chin and looked down her nose at me.
“What?”
She nodded. “He finally came in. That’s why I was late. I was about to leave—but it turned out he’d been waiting for her previous client to go.”
Then she painted the story—the arrogant fuck I worked with nearly every day, who’d been on Gault’s council, and was among those who’d been swept into Lucifer’s web the moment he showed up with Gall. He was one of the older males, intelligent, but lazy.
My mate had deceived the medium he consulted, and convinced him that God was bringing retribution against him for denying Melek his chance to rule?
I stared at her, simultaneously brimming with pride, and shuddering with terror.
“…You should have seen his face. He fled, Jann. He was terrified—and all I did was tell him the truth! I know he’ll go back, though.
He’ll be too scared not to, because he left without hearing the last of what I was telling him.
It will haunt him. I have to go back—and keep going.
He’ll tell the others, and some of them will come too. I know it.”
I stiffened, all that pride draining away because she wanted to do this all again tonight—and the next. Every night.
Every night she would leave, and now that she’d been held up once, I’d spend every fucking hour she was gone terrified that this time was the time she was uncovered.
“Dee, I’m not—”
“Jann, I’m doing it,” she said firmly, her fingers digging into my shoulders. “I’m a fighter too, and this is the battleground I’ve been given. You and I both know, battle is unpredictable.”
“Unpredictable, yes,” I said through my teeth. “Even so, we also plan what we can, to avoid unnecessary death—”
“There’s no death that’s necessary in this, except maybe some of those fucking Neph,” she growled like a kitten, shoving out of my arms—which sent my still nervous heart into spasms.
Instinctively, as she tried to crawl off my lap, I grabbed for her. “No. No, Diadre—”
“Let me go!”
“—I’m not going to let you get yourself killed, just to—”
“LET ME GO!” she screamed.
I did as she asked, and she scrambled off my lap to stand on the floor in front of me, eyes blazing, one finger leveled at my chest.
“Fucking Nephilim arrogance! You think because people are afraid of you, you can just do whatever you want. Force your will on anyone. Even me?!”
“You’re talking about going out every night to get yourself killed—while carrying my son!”
“Our son—he is no less mine than yours, Jannus fucking Half-wit! But what do you want? You want me to sit on this bed, hiding in the dark every moment I’m not at your side?!”
“Yes!”
“You idiot! You can’t win this alone!” she shouted.
“I’ve done every other fucking thing in life alone, and look where it got me—you want me to just sit back and watch you die when I could do something about it?!” I roared.
Diadre flinched, but instead of screaming back at me, she froze. Her eyes went wide and her head jerked back and I leaned forward, ready to grab her if she tried to run.
We glared at each other, but when she spoke, her voice was suddenly quiet… disturbed.
“What are you going to do, Jann?” she asked in a tremulous voice. “Will you hit me if I don’t do as you require? Drag me through the palace by my hair? Turn me loose naked in a room, and let your brothers have me?”
Those words rang in the air like a slap to my face. They were all things we’d witnessed. Ways the Nephilim Advisors had treated their slaves—or threatened to.
“Of course not,” I said hoarsely, half-shamed and half-offended. “I’m trying to protect you!”
She stared at me a moment, then shook her head. “You do protect me. And I need you to—but not from this.”
“You just want me to stand by and let them take you and our son without a fight?”
“Fear isn’t fighting.”
“Neither is stupidity.”
“You think this is stupid? You think I’m a mindless chit who—”
“No. No. I only meant that taking risks that were unnecessary isn’t fighting. It’s just putting yourself in danger.”
“You want to argue about whether deceiving our enemy, to give ourselves a greater chance, is necessary?”
I scowled, but shook my head. “No. I want to argue about whether that deception should be undertaken by you—you who carry my mate and our son into the battle with you.”
“You carry my mate into battle every day, Jann,” she said quietly. “You think I don’t understand how terrifying that is?”
Something in my chest creaked. I had to look away from her.
She took a step closer. “I’m not pretending that my death is outside the realm of possibility—every soldier has to face their mortality.”
“Then don’t tell me I’m overreacting,” I growled.
“Overreacting? Jann, you’re losing your shit. You’re not seeing clearly, and it’s changing you. I’m scared… I’m scared even if you live through this, I'm going to lose you.”
“What the fuck does that mean?!” I turned back to glare my challenge at her, but something deep inside me sang with nerves.
Diadre didn’t break eye contact, and didn’t move.
“This city and the people in it are dark and somehow that’s touching you.
They’re making you dark, and that’s worse, Jann.
That’s more scary than losing you to a spear.
Because at least if I lost you fighting for what’s right, it was still you—but this? ”
“This, what?”
“This!” she hushed, flapping a hand at me. “This constant threat. Your anger. You’re letting that darkness in. It’s changing you.”
I got to my feet and stood over her, but didn’t make a threat. Just faced her as the man I was.
“The day my mate and son being under threat doesn’t anger me, is the day you should worry about.”
She dropped her face into her hands—but to my horror she also swayed on her feet, and had to take a half-step to catch herself.
I hissed a curse, and grabbed her up again. She protested, but I unhanded her the moment I’d laid her back on the bed.
She slumped against the pillow and sighed, staring at me. “Jann, I’m scared. You’re being… influenced. That scares me even more than the danger.”
I sighed too, and combed her hair back from her face with my fingers. “I don’t deny that this is changing me, Dee.”
“Then why—”
“Only that it’s a bad thing.”
She blinked, then pushed up to sit, frantic. “You can’t say that—you can’t mean that. I know you don’t want to follow that Fallen prick!”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t. But I will, if that’s what it takes.”
“Don’t say that!” She had tears in her eyes, which cut me—but I plowed on.
“I will say that, and I’ll mean it. I’ll do it. I’d do anything to keep you and our son safe. Anything.”
She gripped my hand, her eyes pleading. “Even lose your soul?”
I had to hesitate. Had to be seen to think about it. But then I nodded. “If it saves yours… yes.”
Diadre’s jaw dropped.
I petted her hair one more time, then got up, motioning to her to remain quiet as I walked silently back to the bedroom door, pulling it open suddenly, but not reacting to the squeak and flail of my slave outside, who’d been eavesdropping.
Caelan froze, but I didn’t react. “Caelan, as my mate has pointed out, I shouldn’t have been angry with you for her actions,” I said tightly. “I’m sorry.”
Caelan, eyes wide, gaped at me. “I wasn’t—it’s fine—”
I nodded once. “Thank you, but while we’re on the subject, I think you should keep that in mind. And perhaps take a touch more care.”
“Keep… what?”
“As my mate has so sweetly pointed out, I am a bit on edge at the moment. Which means anything that I perceive could harm my family will find itself… removed in haste. I’d encourage you to be quite careful with both word and deed. Do you understand?”
She nodded, her eyes still wide. “Jann… I’d never harm you… or your family.”
I nodded once. “See that you don’t.” Then I threw the door shut again and didn’t regret when it slammed in her face.