Chapter 9 #2
From that moment, I observed my friend’s behaviour attentively.
I could then perceive that his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him towards any of the ladies he had before been interested in.
Your sister, I also watched. Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard, and I convinced myself, based on the evening’s scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment.
Here I must make an admission. I wanted this to be true, and I suspected Miss Bennet’s feelings were deeper, but unlike Miss Bingley, she kept to the norms of propriety and would not show more than is acceptable before Bingley declared himself.
As you know your sister well and are as close to her as possible, then, my suspicion is confirmed.
Your superior knowledge of your sister must make me accept your assertion as fact.
I used the serenity of your sister’s countenance and air to add to my stated conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be easily touched. It was not well done by me, and I was not honest with Bingley.
It was not my intention to inflict pain on her.
The truth, however, is that I was fighting to protect myself from what I believed was an impossible connection.
Your resentment is not unreasonable. If I am completely honest, why I acted thusly is connected to the things I said in that horrendous proposal when I told you about all of the barriers I had to overcome to offer for you.
I knew that if your sister and my friend made a match, then you and I would be thrown in company together often, and I was aware that I would not be able to withstand, what I believed, was your siren call.
You must have noticed that when we were in company, I could not keep my eyes from you.
“Goodness!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “He was not looking at me to find fault! He was looking at me with admiration.” Charlotte’s words to that effect rang in her head, and Elizabeth felt no little shame. Her eyes dropped to where her finger marked her place on the page.
My objections to the marriage were not merely those which I listed above.
The want of connection could not be so great an evil to my friend as to me.
But there were other causes of repugnance; causes which still exist. Until I raised them in my proposal, I had myself endeavoured to forget some of them, believing I would never see you again.
They include the situation of your mother’s family.
The ties to trade are objectionable, but they were nothing in comparison to that total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly betrayed by herself, by your three younger sisters, and occasionally even by your father.
Pardon me. It pains me to offend you. Even though what I write may cause you pain, and I dare say anger, at my listing what I see as the defects of your nearest relations, I must do so to be candid, even while at the same time I am sure of your displeasure at this representation of them.
However, I must assure you that you and your older sister have conducted yourselves so as to avoid any share of the same censure.
Your behaviour as ladies is to be praised.
I will only say further that from what passed that evening, my opinion of all parties was confirmed, so I convinced myself that even If I was wrong about Miss Bennet’s feelings, there were sufficient reasons to separate him from her.
Bingley left Netherfield Park for London on the day following as you, I am certain remember, with the design of soon returning.
Elizabeth could not disagree with Mr Darcy’s words about her family’s horrendous behaviour at the ball and still remain honest. She had tried to get Mamma to temper her volume and words, but she had ignored Elizabeth.
Papa had not checked Kitty and Lydia; he laughed at them when they behaved like ill-mannered flirts, and then he had mortified poor Mary in front of all.
No, Mr Darcy’s portrait of her family was accurate. She continued on with the letter.
His sisters’ feelings about the ills of a connection with your family agreed with my own.
That is why we followed Bingley to London; as I said, we travelled separately.
As an aside, with what you told me regarding the way the house was closed, or not, as the case is, I now understand why Miss Bingley encouraged me to travel on ahead.
I promise you that the ?109.00 your father laid out to pay the servants and staff at Bingley’s leased estate will be sent to him in days.
When the sisters reached Town, no time was to be lost in detaching their brother from Miss Bennet.
We accordingly saw Bingley—and there I readily engaged in the office of pointing out to my friend the certain evils of such a choice.
It was not until I told him I believed (even though I was not confident in my assertion) that your sister did not hold him in esteem, that Bingley accepted what was being said to him.
I am fully aware of the fact that he depends on my judgement more than on his own.
To convince him, therefore, was not difficult.
As soon as he accepted that your sister did not love him, persuading him against returning to Hertfordshire was scarcely the work of a moment.
In addition to my not being honest with my friend then, I was dishonest a second time.
The day your sister called on Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst, I was at the house.
I only saw Miss Bennet when she departed, and she did not see me, so when I parsed your question and told you I had not spoken to her, that was the truth.
My lie was one of omission because I never told Bingley that your sister was in London.
This concealment, this disguise was far beneath me; however, it is done, and as much as I may want to, I cannot go back and change what has been done. I do not look back on my conduct in this affair with anything but shame. Hence, when I arrive in London, I will seek out Bingley and tell him all.
On this subject, I have nothing more to say.
I hope that my apology is sufficient, because I deeply regret my actions in this.
I cannot even claim that it was unknowingly done because I was aware what I was doing would in the end wound your sister’s feelings.
I openly own that the motives which governed my actions were insufficient, and all I can do now is to condemn them and myself for acting the way I did.
Elizabeth read the last few paragraphs again thrice. The man who was acknowledging his errors bore no resemblance to the sketch of the man she had in her head. Had she erred? Not feeling nearly as confident as she was when she began to read, Elizabeth returned to reading.
Now allow me to address the things that you charged me with which were false.
You said that part of my motivation for separating your older sister and Mr Bingley was my desire that he marry my sister, which had been written about in the missive Miss Bingley sent to your sister.
Further, you accused me of dishonour for proposing to you when I am engaged to my cousin, Miss Anne de Bourgh.
Lastly, you told me that I had, in defiance of various claims, and ignoring honour and humanity, ruined the immediate prosperity and blasted the prospects of Mr Wickham.
You said that I wilfully and wantonly threw off the companion of my youth, the acknowledged favourite of my father; a young man who had scarcely any other dependence than on our patronage, and who had been brought up to expect its exertion, would be a depravity, to which the separation of two young persons, whose affection could be the growth of only a few weeks, could bear no comparison.
This last charge is the one which has the most fallacies in it. I will address each in turn.
My sister, Georgiana, we call her Anna, turned 16 on the 4th day of March this year. She is not out, and due to circumstances I will mention in this epistle, I doubt she will want to come out before she reaches her majority.
Although Miss Bingley, and to a lesser extent, Mrs Hurst, have long hinted (often none too subtly) what a good match my sister would be for their brother, I have never considered planning such a match for Anna.
If one day, some years from now, Mr Bingley was to offer for my sister and she accepted him, I would not object.
Nothing has been done to further that as a possibility.
Hence, whatever Miss Bingley wrote to your sister about mine is nothing but pure fiction.
Miss Bingley will not be pleased when she finds many doors in society closed to her.
I intend to speak to my aunt, Lady Matlock, when I return from handing you this letter.
She will not be amused by Miss Bingley’s lies (someone she dislikes and has always refused to be introduced to), and she will know how to act.
You can accuse me of acting with dishonour in separating Bingley from your sister. However, as I have never been engaged to anyone, let me guess how you came upon this assumption. You heard my aunt, her lackey (your cousin), and Wickham speak of an engagement.
Lady Catherine claims it was my mother’s dearest wish—she passed away when I was but 12—but my father never mentioned it before his passing, and no one else in the family has mentioned it either.
Aside from that, my Cousin Anne is not long for this world.
It is why the rest of my Fitzwilliam relatives are here.