Chapter 3 August - Northern Attitude
“You seem off today,” Sawyer says, breaking the silence we’ve been sitting in just fine for the past few hours while we start the riverside’s end of season prep.
I grunt, lugging one of the last fallen tree logs up the path towards my cottage. I have plans to get this thing and the three logs we’ve already marched up here chopped up and in a fire before the weekend’s over. A fire I intend to sit by alone. To avoid bullshit conversations like this.
“Since when do you feel like you need to comment on how I seem?”
“That’s kind of always been my thing, Gus. Remember how you ended up roped into this family?”
“Guess you got a point,” I huff. Still evading actually addressing his accurate observation.
The truth is, yeah, I do. I remember it like it was yesterday. Sawyer spent the better part of our sophomore year of high school following me around, not getting the direct and indirect hints that I wanted nothing to do with him. Or anyone. He ignored my every attempt to tell him to fuck off.
I never experienced someone caring so much about a stranger in my life. It felt weird and wrong. And as much as there was a part of me that felt like Sawyer was the kind of guy I could see myself getting along with, I didn’t want to risk bringing anyone into the shit show I dealt with on the daily.
Because while a friend at school seems harmless, if my step dad had ever caught wind of me finding any sort of joy…Well, he’d waste no time wiping that someone or something off the planet. It was, and probably still is, his specialty.
Until that one day where everything changed for me. Sawyer, because he was insufferably determined, showed up at my house. He brushed off my last attempt to evade him, and then he pulled every dark truth out of me.
I lived for years in the shadows of my stepdad’s abuse and my mother’s ability to turn a blind eye to it all. I grew up knowing I’d only ever be good for heavy lifting and being a punching bag when needed. I accepted it. For a while, I felt like I deserved it.
And then I didn’t. I try to not think about it much anymore. I don’t like to dwell on the past because nothing good has ever come out of it. I don’t have anything to work through. Sometimes you get a shitty upbringing, and sometimes you find people who care somewhere along the way. I’m lucky.
I like my life now. I’m happy most days. I have people I can trust, ones who have my back through anything, just like I do for them. And that feels damn good.
But Sawyer’s right…I guess. I have been off. Couldn’t tell you what it is. I don’t feel like hashing it out right now, though.
We reach the fire pit and dump the log next to the others. Sawyer claps me on the back. “Come on, man. What gives? You’re like, mopey or something.”
“I’m not fucking mopey or any of the other dwarves. I’m fine. Business as usual.”
“Plans for the weekend?” Sawyer segues.
“Nope.” I regret the honesty as soon as it’s out of my mouth because Sawyer’s golden retriever face lights up.
You know, he wasn’t always like this. It’s better, seeing as he’s actually happy, but shit, it’s exhausting.
I blame Margot. I love her. She’s great.
But why’d she have to go and make my best friend some softy?
“You wanna come by my place? I’m thinking it’s time I get started on the build out. Got the construction permits approved and everything.”
I want to say yes. I probably will say yes.
I like helping wherever I can. But I know these kinds of plans now always have to include family time and meals and conversations when all I really want to do is hang out around a fire, maybe play a game of cards, drink some beers, and just enjoy the quiet.
There’s not much quiet anymore unless I lock myself away in my house.
And that sounds less appealing by the day. I find myself contradicting myself a lot, and it makes no sense, and I hate it.
“Yeah, sounds good. How’s Margot doing with everything?” I don’t want to talk about my feelings, so maybe I’ll be successful in pushing the conversation towards Margot’s seeing as how she has a fuck ton of feelings lately.
Sawyer blows out a breath that ends in a sigh.
“She’s…She’s feeling it all, man. I’m carrying a lot of guilt.
I mean, this is great. We’re excited as hell.
But I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong.
One minute she’s crying, in pain emotionally—or physically—and the next she’s laughing without a care in the world.
I have whiplash. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. ”
I’m gonna be honest, I’m exhausted just hearing about it, let alone living it.
“But the way she loves them already…it’s the coolest thing to see. I didn’t know how bad I wanted this until we went to that first ultrasound appointment. I’m gonna be a dad.”
Sawyer’s emphasis on the word dad really does show me how much he was made to do this, in a way I know I’ll never be. These babies aren’t even born yet, and he’s talking about how the mention of their existence changed his entire life.
“You’re gonna be a great dad, man,” I assure him, because it’s true.
“I’m scared, though. I know it’s lame to say, but I don’t wanna fuck this up, you know? My dad always knew what to do. But I didn’t get the chance to ask him about all of this.”
“You could talk to Miller?” I suggest. He’s the only decent father I know. For as much good this town contains, the parental figures really are sometimes lacking.
Contrary to how I reacted to Sawyer asking about how I seem, he and I aren’t strangers to deep talks about emotions.
He’s actually the only guy on the planet that I trust to be that kind of vulnerable with.
He has been since the day he brought me into his home and told me it was mine now too.
But I got nothing when it comes to this.
He ignores my suggestion, lost in his own thoughts. “Can I just say something?”
“Yeah, obviously,” I confirm.
He’s quiet and slow to get it all out when he finally does speak. “I’m scared as hell something’s going to happen to me or Margot. I feel like I can’t enjoy any part of this without that thought in the back of my head screaming at me that I could leave this planet, and my kids will be left alone.”
Shit. That’s dark. But I guess when you lose both of your parents to a freak car accident at the age of twelve, it’s not a far-fetched thought to have.
“That’s…” I sigh. “Yeah, I can see why your head would go there. But, it’s not gonna happen. And your kids are never going to be left alone. They have a fucking army behind them.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right. I need to figure out how to believe that. But speaking of that army,” Sawyer starts. “Not to switch this conversation around again, but Melanie’s moving.”
“To Merrymount?” I ask, probably pointlessly. If Margot’s mom is moving, this little town is the only option.
“Yep. Above the café. Red practically threw the keys at Margot when she brought it up.”
“But what about her swim school?” Can’t say I didn’t see this coming.
If you know Melanie LeClair, you know it would be next to impossible for her to miss a second of her grandchildren’s lives.
She’s spent the past year and a half missing Margot too hard.
She was begging for a reason to move here without possibly feeling like she was smothering Margot.
“She’s wrapping up her last week training her friend Jackie to take over. She was already doing a lot of the backend stuff. But she’ll be officially moved in before the gender reveal party next weekend.”
A party to tell the world what gender your kid is going to be sounds weird as fuck, but I keep that opinion to myself. “Shit, that’s awesome. I bet Margot’s ecstatic.”
Sawyer laughs, wiping sweat from his forehead. “An understatement. She’s happy here. I think she will be forever, just like us. But she misses her mom, and having her closer will be cool. Gran’s pretty pumped too.”
“Those two will be causing chaos around town in record time. I can guarantee that,” I joke. But I’m also pretty sure it’s true.
“No doubt.” Sawyer claps his hands together like he’s a scout leader. “Well, I’m gonna take off. Uh, about next weekend…” he trails off.
“What about it?” I have a feeling I know where this is headed. I hate myself for it. I hate that it’s gotten this bad.
He lets out an uncomfortable, almost disappointed sigh.
“Keep things clean next weekend with Daisy?” I open my mouth, but he holds a hand up.
“I know, I know. You tell me it’s easier said than done.
It’s her. It’s not you. There’s no fixing what’s broken.
Just…for me. But for Margot, too now. Please? ”
“You rehearse that?”
Sawyer punches me in the arm. “Fuck off.”
“So you did.” I punch him back.
He walks away, but before he’s too far away to be heard, he looks over his shoulder. “Yeah, ran it by Margot last night.”
“You’re a bitch, Hale!” I yell as I watch Sawyer get into his Jeep. He waves goodbye without another word, knowing I deserved the warning.