Chapter 23 #2
“He was my dad’s friend. His best friend.
He picked out my middle name. He was there when I learned how to ride a bike.
He came to all of my birthday parties. If there was an emergency, his number was on the fridge to call.
It was that number I dialed. Because I knew—I thought—I could trust him.
” It’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud.
Gus rests his head on mine, continuing to rub my arm.
I finally find the air to take a deep breath to continue. “It was late and my parents weren’t home. We had just moved into the house. Everything was so new. I just wanted to know where they were, or when they’d be coming back. He said he’d be right over. I didn’t ask him to come over.”
I feel like I’m being transported back in time.
The confusion of seeing Aiden at the front door with a demented smile on his face under the dim porch light feels fresh.
I can practically smell the alcohol seeping through every part of him.
A shudder racks my body, and August continues to hold me tight through it.
“He told me my parents were out, as if I didn’t clearly already know that, and he’d be happy to wait with me.
Things kind of go dark from there. The psychiatrist explained how sometimes your brain blocks certain memories as a preservation tactic.
Which I guess I’m grateful for because if what I can recall is the lukewarm stuff—” A humorless laugh hiccups out of me.
“Daisy.” Undiluted pain laces the singular word from Gus.
“I said no. I screamed it, until I was choking to breathe through the pillow that covered my face. I thrashed, I kicked. And then it was over. He left. My parents still weren’t home. So, I walked. I think I walked the entirety of Merrymount that night until Officer Holstrom found me.”
“Mark?” Gus asks.
I nod. “I don’t remember what I told him. But next thing I knew, I was sitting in a chair at the station, listening to my parents drunkenly argue with Mark and his deputy.”
“Why were they arguing, Daze?”
“Oh, because it was all a big misunderstanding, of course. I was confused. I needed attention.” I recite my parents’ words verbatim.
A part of me died that day.
And each time my parents pulled further away from me, refusing to believe their only daughter, another tiny part of me died too.
I don’t tell August that, though.
“Where is he?” August’s voice is cold.
“If you’re also wishing he was dead, unfortunately, cockroaches can withstand even global apocalypses.
Charges were dropped and everything was swept under the rug.
I saw Dr. Saltore three times a week for a year.
Then we moved it down to once. Then the sessions dropped altogether when my mom got pregnant with the boys. ”
I finally remove the blanket that’s covering us. I take a big gulp of fresh air with the intent of finally sitting up on my own, but I slump back into August in the next second.
“I’d kill him, Daze. I need you to know that. I know it’s fucked and wrong of me to say, but I wouldn’t stop until he was dead.”
Logically, I’m aware that should terrify me. I should be hightailing it the heck out of August’s house to safety. This, combined with the incident at that bar, are clear indicators that Gus might not be the most stable when it comes to my well-being.
But this is where I’m safest. With him.
I know it. My body knows it.
“I don’t think I’d stop you,” I admit, adding my insanity to his.
A long while passes before either of us makes any attempt to move or say anything. It’s Gus who finally breaks the silence.
“It’s a big deal that you trusted me with this, Daze.”
“I know,” I agree.
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” he admits.
“You won’t,” I assure him. And I believe it. Because I know whatever August finds important to tell me right now is coming from that heart of his he normally keeps locked up tight. It’s a wide open door for me now, though.
“You’re the strongest person I know, and you should have never have had to go through that. Everyone fucking failed you, and yet you’re still here. I’m—” His breath becomes shaky. “I’m so proud to know you. Even the shitty parts. Especially those ones.”
“August—”
“No, wait. I got something going here. Daze, I never let anyone in. You know how it is. But you poked and prodded until I had no choice but to accept you as a staple in my life. I look back on our time sitting in that stuffy guidance office and realize that was a really important part of my life. It changed me. The domino effect of giving me a place where I was something besides a waste of space.”
“We were just a couple of broken kids,” I sigh.
“Maybe true. But it was more. I think you know that.”
I don’t admit I do.
August doesn’t try to force it out of me.
“I wish I could wipe this date off the calendar for you. I’ll still try, anything you want. But for now, today, we won’t leave this bed except for food and bathroom breaks, I guess. And then tomorrow won’t be November twenty-eighth.”
“That doesn’t feel very productive,” I say, attempting to swipe away at least some of the wetness drenching my face.
He shrugs, and it’s so boyishly cute, a rogue crack of a laugh leaves me.
“Depends on your definition of productive. I’m gonna go raid the snack cabinet and be right back. Holler if you have any requests.” August’s lips graze the top of my head, and he gently sets my back against the pillows before heading downstairs.
He returns several minutes later with two armfuls of a collection of food that would make most teenage boys salivate. Lucky for me, I have the same taste palette.
We spend the day exactly as August described, in bed with too many snacks, watching nature documentaries narrated by celebrities. My favorite was Vanishing of the Bees. I fucking love Elliot Page.
I drift in and out of sleep, and every time I wake, August is there. He never leaves my side.