Chapter 24 #2
Once she considered her lack of anger, she also had to examine her well-established conclusions, and how they fit this new situation.
She eventually understood that she did not want to hurt the man.
No matter how awkward his application, how disagreeable his disdain, or how unacceptable his suit; she owed it to him to answer honestly, but with kindness.
She had been silent too long; the gentleman stood with a look she could not quite place.
He had spoken of uncertainty, but he seemed unlikely to expect anything save acceptance.
In his mind, he probably believed she had flirted with him for nearly half a year, and what lady in her right mind would turn down one of the richest men in England, and a handsome and honourable one at that.
“Pray sit, sir. You are half a foot taller than me, and I am sitting. This will be hard enough without you towering over me.”
“Forgive me.”
He sat, and for the first time displayed uncertainty.
“Mr Darcy, this is very difficult to say, so please do not interrupt. I very much appreciate your address. You have my deepest and profoundest gratitude, and I am acutely aware of the honour you bestow upon me by asking. However, I must decline. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to anyone—especially you. In reviewing our association, I believe my manners may have been at fault. If I have given you an inaccurate impression, I deeply apologise. If I have caused you pain, I assure you it was most unconsciously done, and I dearly hope it will be of short duration.”
She risked a cautious glance. Anger flashed across his face, but quickly gave way to something like despair. Despite a mad urge to ease his pain by touching his hand, Elizabeth sat perfectly still.
The gentleman did not seem inclined to say anything, so Elizabeth whispered, “You are a good man, sir. It wounds me to give you pain, but it must be done. I am so very sorry.”
Her stomach tightened in agitation, and a few tears fell. Steady to her purpose, she wiped them away with the back of her hand, forgoing elegance entirely. Tears gathered in the gentleman’s eyes as well, though he suppressed them.
He heaved a great sigh. “Very well, Miss Bennet. I must accept your judgement, as much as it pains me. You should not censure yourself. Your manners have never been in the slightest at fault.”
Having no idea what to say, Elizabeth whispered, “Still, sir, I am so terribly sorry. I know this must be very difficult.”
He met her eyes momentarily, then looked at her hands, either to keep his composure or allow her to keep hers.
“Like yourself, I would not like to cause pain to anyone, most particularly you,” he said in a timid voice, “but would you be willing to tell me where I went wrong? Have I a rival?”
“No sir. My situation has improved, with one sister well married, another recently engaged, and my brother-in-law has engineered a modest dowry; but otherwise, I remain as I have always been.”
He nodded, sad and confused.
“So, you are not bound for another… just… just—” He sighed heavily. “Just not for me.”
“I am afraid so.”
He looked at her sheepishly. “If it is not too painful, might you tell me why? I hate to burden you, but I know myself all too well. I will brood about it for months, imagine every possible fault in my character, and believe them all simultaneously, even if they are contradictory and mutually exclusive.”
Elizabeth gave a sad little laugh, grateful that the gentleman was willing to make a small joke to ease the pain of what must be done.
“In my family, I am known as the Mistress of Awkward Conversations. This will be my third awkward matrimonial intervention. I can stand it if you can. Are you certain you wish to know?”
“If you can bear it.”
Elizabeth sighed and clasped her trembling hands together to reduce their shaking.
“To be honest, both your scruples and mine come back to the same source—my mother.”
“Your mother!” he gasped.
“It requires explanation.”
“Pray proceed, if you are still willing.”
“To begin, I will only speak about the reasons that matter to our discussion today. I will not mention trivialities like you slighting me before we were even introduced. Those are all minor annoyances, of no lasting consequence.”
Shock crossed Darcy's face at the reminder of that first night.
“I only mention it because that incident made it very difficult to sketch your character at the beginning and I quite detested you for much of our association. I have quit whingeing about it, and I did not want it to ever come up again.”
“Whether a factor or not, it was terribly ungentlemanly. I sincerely apologise, Elizabeth.”
She noted the use of her Christian name but let it pass. She was at least satisfied that he had not forgotten the assembly entirely.
She finally drew a deep breath. “There are three reasons I cannot accept your hand, though of vastly different magnitudes. The first two are not insurmountable, but they did affect me.”
“Understood.”
“The first is the matter of Mr Bingley. He is your good friend, and he treated my sister abominably. He courted her, by any acceptable definition, for 6 weeks, danced 2 significant sets, claimed to leave for a few days, and never returned. I understand you had some hand in that—”
He straightened, but she held up her hand. “Pray, wait until I finish.”
He nodded.
“From what your cousin told me—and by the way, you should teach him to keep his gossip to himself—I surmised you were involved in convincing him to abandon Jane. Before you become vexed, please listen. Jane and I examined our family’s faults in detail, and our whole family has made corrections.
Except for my parents, who are as they ever were, you would not recognise us.
I cannot blame you for steering Mr Bingley away from Jane after the spectacle my mother and younger sisters made of themselves at the Netherfield ball.
I did a mental exercise yesterday in which I reversed the roles, and I found I would do the same when faced with such a mercenary.
Therefore, I do not hold you to blame for that aspect of the debacle. ”
Darcy stared intently.
She took a deep breath.
“However! If you meant to interfere, you should have done so properly. Mr Bingley could have abandoned her but told her of his intentions, or lack thereof, in a hundred ways. He could have acted like a grown man instead of a frightened boy and told her to her face. He could have written to my father. He could have sent secret messages through our servants. You could have written to my father. It was badly done, sir!”
Darcy stared at his feet. “When you force me to see it from your perspective, I agree. “
“That is what the dollhouse was for. I used an analogy of boxes and houses to teach another gentleman how to see the world from another perspective. I used the same technique on myself to consider the world from your point of view, and that was the only reason I was prepared to give you a chance tonight.”
Darcy looked up sharply. “I was not doomed from the start?”
Elizabeth blushed furiously, stared at her hands, and whispered, “No sir, you were not. You were by no means assured of success, or even an easy path, but you were not doomed.”
“What changed?”
“I will get to that with my third reason. To finish the topic of Mr Bingley, perhaps I should show you the darker side of my character. My sister would have been grievously wounded by that boy’s abandonment, had I not manipulated her.”
“How so?”
“Some say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Jane could not think clearly, so it was my duty to do so in her stead. I convinced her to flip the coin.”
“Love to hate… understandable enough.”
“I fed her rage mercilessly, and she spent all her feeling for the man in a single rage-filled day, while chastising my parents within an inch of their lives over our failures as a family. It was quite intemperate by any standard—she uttered actual curses—and triply so for Jane, who never has an unkind word for anyone. It was painful, but she found a better man, so your interference was for the best.”
“Do not make excuses, I beg you. You say this hurt my chances but was not the death knell?”
“No, but it is a resentment I only recently, and after much reflection, abandoned. Though it was not what made me decline your hand, I thought you should know that the past has tainted all our interactions here at Rosings, and I have viewed them through that lens.”
“Very well. I shall examine that part of my character and amend it. You are correct. I could have done more or insisted Bingley do more. I failed both your sister and my friend.”
“If you must amend it for your own benefit, feel free, but not on my account or his. I suggest you let Mr Bingley make his own mistakes.”
“That is good advice. My help was in the service of a friend, but it was badly done and probably counterproductive. Shall we move on to the second reason?”
“The second is minor, but it caused me grief, though, as I said, I recovered from it long before this conversation, and even before coming to Hunsford. It is the matter of Mr Wickham.”
“What about Mr Wickham?”
Elizabeth did not flinch. She met him with a hard stare.
“You knew he was a scoundrel, and I gave you the perfect opportunity to apprise me of his character, and you did nothing. At the time you left, I stupidly liked the man, and you just left me to him. You warned nobody, not even me. I have forgiven you for it because Lydia discovered his nature a few days after you left, but it took some effort.”
Darcy stared at his hands. They clenched hard enough to turn his knuckles white. “That man has been the bane of my existence all my life. I had reasons for holding my tongue, but they were mostly excuses born of my pride.”