Philosophy
Elizabeth and Mary stared at the luggage wagons in consternation. There were few possible explanations for so many trunks, with the most obvious being the most likely.
Mary finally asked, “You are leaving, Mr Darcy?”
The gentleman had at least sense enough to look chagrined. “Yes, Miss Mary.”
“I imagine the wagon carries the Bingley clothing and furniture?”
Darcy nodded.
Elizabeth sighed. “I presume you are familiar with Occam’s razor?”
“With competing hypotheses, the simplest solution is most likely the right one.”
“Let us apply some deductive reasoning. With that many trunks and Mr Bingley’s hostess departing, Miss Bingley has likely closed up the house. Should I assume Netherfield is, in fact, closed up?”
Darcy blushed and nodded.
“Based on those facts, I theorize Mr Bingley is unlikely to return in a few days as he claimed—unless, of course, he wishes to stay at the Meryton Inn while his leased estate remains vacant a mile away. Am I incorrect, sir?”
“I do not know. Miss Bingley closed up the house and left, as you surmised.”
“I imagine she is on her way to Town to convince Mr Bingley of the egregious unsuitability of my sister, whom your friend has been courting assiduously for weeks.”
Both ladies watched the gentleman carefully and suspiciously; they did not much like the way he flinched and looked away.
Mary quietly asked, “Perhaps I might speculate that Miss Bingley is not alone in her quest.”
Mr Darcy looked very uncomfortable, but at least had the grace not to lie. He cast about for something to say, and nothing came to mind. He had nearly worked himself up to an answer when Mary cleared her throat.
She regarded him pityingly for a moment, then turned to Elizabeth, and asked quietly, “G or P?”
“Oh, most definitely, G.”
Without another word, both ladies took the travel rugs from their shoulders and handed them to Thomas, the astonished footman.
They curtseyed in unison. “A pleasure meeting you, Thomas, Mr Smithers. Goodbye, Mr Darcy.”
They turned and continued towards Meryton.
Shocked by the dismissal, Darcy shouted, “WAIT!”
The ladies paused, but did not turn to face him.
“Yes,” Mary said.
Darcy had never been so completely and thoroughly dismissed in his life, and he was at a bit of a loss to explain it.
He covered the distance between them and stepped in front. “May I at least offer to take you where you need to go?”
Elizabeth said, “That is unnecessary. We are sorry to have delayed you. Have a good life, sir.”
They started walking arm in arm again.
Forgetting decorum entirely, Darcy followed and scrambled for something to say. He was rattled enough to have no idea what to ask, and desperately blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“What are G and P?”
The ladies paused momentarily and stared at him with what could only be considered derision. They held him there for quite some time, until finally, after he started squirming, Elizabeth tired of the game.
“Mary and I are what your sex likes to call bluestockings. We spent much of this morning discussing mathematics.”
Completely flummoxed by the change in topic, Darcy asked, “Mathematics?”
Mary sighed. “Yes sir, mathematics. I am newly engaged to Mr Collins, as of an hour ago. The poor man was confused enough that he actually tried to propose to Lizzy, but she gently turned him in the proper direction through judicious use of mathematics and a little philosophy. That is what we discussed on the walk this morning. We are also students of philosophy, so G and P are shorthand signals for two particular schools of thought.”
Elizabeth continued, “We discussed how to deal with the defection of the Netherfield party with that sentence alone. Is that sufficient for your needs, sir? We are still cold and wet, and Mary’s intended expects us back soon, so we do not have all day.”
Darcy stared at the pair in horror. The very idea of Miss Elizabeth wedding Mr Collins made him feel as if a giant squeezed his chest and pounded on his head. That she had narrowly escaped such a fate did not comfort him at all.
At last, in desperation, he blurted, “Congratulations, Miss Mary. I presume this is something you desired?”
The impropriety of the question raised both ladies’ eyebrows, but life at Longbourn had long inured them to surviving in environments that were slightly less than decorous, so Mary answered.
“Elizabeth and I tried to guide him gently in the proper direction, but he got ahead of us. She had to think quickly to prevent matters from going asunder. He is just the type of man I want. He is your aunt’s rector, so he has a good living, and he is our father’s heir, so I will eventually be mistress of Longbourn.
I have a very different idea of marriage from my elder sisters’, so I find myself quite content. Good day, sir.”
Before they could walk off again, Darcy desperately asked, “How so, Miss Mary?”
Mary sighed in exasperation.
Elizabeth shrugged, grimacing.
“Very well, sir,” Mary said, “but I will ask you and your servants not to gossip.”
She stared at him until he nodded, then turned to Thomas, who had come up beside them and was already bobbing his head and touching his cap.
“My elder sisters swore a vow that they would marry only from the deepest affection, and only men they respect and admire, which, frankly, sounds quite unlikely. I, on the other hand, do not hold much store by those ideas, and I look for other qualities. Mr Collins would be the worst husband in the world for either of my elder sisters, but just right for me. Everyone is happy with the arrangement. All is as it should be.”
“I hate to interrupt,” Thomas said, “but if you wish to talk longer, would you allow me to replace the rugs? It pains me to see you standing there shivering.”
“I thank you, but I do not believe we have any more to say.”
“Perhaps you could keep them, he said hopefully.”
“I think not, but we thank you anyway.”
“Please, Miss Mary, Miss Elizabeth, would you do me the honour of accepting them?” Darcy asked. “I should very much like to finish this conversation.”
“It is finished.”
Somewhat desperately, Darcy cast about for a topic that might detain them a few minutes longer. Any topic at all would do.
In agony, he asked, “Would you at least be willing to explain these two philosophies to me?”
Elizabeth sighed in combined annoyance and resignation, and looked at Mary, who just shrugged.
Mary was actually enjoying watching the haughty gentleman squirm, but she could not think of a way to convey that idea to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth stared at the man for a minute.
“They are shorthand for Gardiner and Phillips: an aunt married to my mother’s brother, and an uncle married to my mother’s sister.
Mr Phillips is an attorney, and he believes that you should investigate every mystery to its last corner, and, when you have a dispute with someone, discuss it until you can come to an amicable solution—or at least until everyone understands the issue. ”
Darcy nodded and frowned. “You chose G, then decided to walk away. What, pray tell, is Mrs Gardiner’s philosophy?”
Elizabeth and Mary had not anticipated this particular line of reasoning and tried to demur.
Elizabeth said, “I cannot repeat it with any degree of politeness.”
Darcy winced. “I will not hold it against you. In fact, I would consider it a great privilege if you would share it.”
Elizabeth regarded the man in consternation. He was not acting as Mr Darcy of Pemberley was supposed to act, and she did not know if she liked or hated this version of him. It had been so much more comfortable when she thought she knew everything about him.
Mary’s interest was not difficult to understand.
She had spent almost no time talking to him, and most of what she thought was second-hand from Lizzy; no wonder the man before them did not resemble the picture Lizzy painted.
There was something peculiar in his manner of staring at them—or, more specifically, at Lizzy. He was hardly looking at Mary at all.
Elizabeth sighed. Mary shrugged again, and Elizabeth read the answer plainly enough: if Lizzy was ready to do so, who was Mary to stop her? After all, they had dug their own hole by discussing secret affairs right in front of the gentleman.
Elizabeth said, “Aunt Gardiner says, ‘Never argue with an idiot. They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.’ It is a bit hyperbolic, but the gist is that when you are confronted with a conversation that can have no good outcome, it is best to just leave.”
Darcy stood with his jaw hanging open.
“It is a general comment. I am not saying you are an idiot; not explicitly anyway.”
Everyone had almost forgotten Thomas’ presence until he burst out laughing. Elizabeth and Mary stared as his mirth continued, and only a few seconds behind him, Mr Darcy joined him. The two men fed each other’s laughter until they were slapping their knees and practically howling.
After some considerable time, Darcy said quite incongruously, “Since we are on the subject of idiots,” and turned to Thomas.
A few seconds later, two confused ladies found themselves draped in greatcoats, with travel rugs drawn over them, while the two men stood back before them.
Mr Smithers joined a moment later, looking perplexed, until Thomas said, “Never argue with an idiot,” at which point the coachman joined their mirth.
Not at all certain whether they were amused or vexed by the confusing display, Mary pulled Thomas' greatcoat tighter and said, “We are happy we could give you such amusement. Now—”
Before she could offer yet another suggestion of parting company, Mr Darcy stepped a pace closer. “Do you really plan to leave without learning what turned us into three fools before your eyes?”
This display confused both ladies still more, especially since Mr Darcy smiled in a most disconcerting fashion. Had there been time to discuss it, Elizabeth would have said that this particular flavour of the man was much more handsome than the scowling and haughty one she was accustomed to.
“I suppose not,” Elizabeth said, then, quite unexpectedly, smiled at him. It was a sly smile, though she had no notion how much it betrayed. Mr Darcy did notice it, however, and Mary’s lifted brow suggested she had not missed it either.
Darcy said, “Is there any chance at all that your Aunt Gardiner was once Miss Dinah Follett of Lambton?”
Both ladies gasped and nodded.
Darcy smiled. “Thomas and I remember her well. She is perhaps a decade our senior, and we all thought very highly of her. She said those exact words to us one day when we were arguing over some silly matter in the middle of the town square. We grew up together, you see. Thomas’ father and grandfather worked at Pemberley as well.
She quelled that argument and probably averted some future ones with those same words. ”
Elizabeth laughed, smiling more than she intended. “Which of you was the idiot, if I may ask?”
Darcy smiled back. “You need not ask, when the answer is so obvious.”
Elizabeth sighed. Where were they in the conversation? Did she really wish to walk the last twenty minutes to her Aunt Philips’ house, soaking wet, to avoid the inevitable gossip if she appeared in the Darcy coach or wearing his coat?
With one last chuckle, Thomas said, “We will return to the coach,” and Mr Smithers went with him.
When they had gone, Elizabeth said, “I am sorry, Mr Darcy. I did not really mean to call you an idiot.”
“Your aunt is still quite a wise woman, and If the shoe fits.“
Disconcerted, Elizabeth turned to Mary for help, and she said, “What do you mean, Mr Darcy?”
“Your assessment was not far from the mark. I do seem to be a right idiot.”
“Why?” Elizabeth asked carefully.
“Because I planned to interfere in business that I had no right to be involved in, but now I have been forcefully reminded of the folly of such an action. I believe this meeting to be fortuitous… aside from all the mud, of course.”
Elizabeth could not quite help giggling, and Mary was no better. Elizabeth would never have thought Mr Darcy capable of humour, let alone of admitting to a mistake, and the entire idiot part of the conversation was wholly unexpected.
“Are you now saying that you will not interfere in a matter that is none of your business?”
“Yes… well, almost.”
Elizabeth’s brow furrowed, but before she could say anything intemperate, he cut in.
“Steady on. I will interfere with Bingley’s management of his household to the extent that he will know what happened today, and Miss Bingley’s part in the whole debacle, along with some suggestions about how much weight he should give to a woman who would do such a thing.
Then I will tell him that his sisters must be brought to heel.
That is the extent of the involvement I will undertake.
As for Bingley and your elder sister, I think it best for all of us to step aside… unless—”
Perplexed, Elizabeth asked timidly, “Unless?”
Darcy looked at her steadily. “There is some possibility that he is an idiot as much as me, or at least, he is not sure of himself. Men in love are usually rather idiotic. Would it be terribly untoward of me to mention that I have been reliably informed that Miss Bennet will not even consider matrimony without the utmost affection, nor would she pretend to anything she does not feel?”
Elizabeth stared at him for quite some time, and Mary stared too.
“That would be frighteningly improper,” Mary said. “It would be the worst sort of interference, well outside your proper office as a friend, and it would break every cherished rule of decorum.”
Darcy, chagrined, stared at the ground and scuffed a rock back and forth with his boot.
Elizabeth caught his eye, gave him a big smile, and said, “Only an idiot would do such a thing.”