Chapter 12 Zachariah #2
I hesitate, even though I know deep down that my answer is plain and fucking simple.
But spelling it out for her and admitting it somewhat out loud is grounds to complicate things.
As if they aren’t already complicated enough.
But I can’t lie to her. I don’t like lying to anyone else but to her, I just can’t. So I give her my honest truth.
Yes.
So then why are you going on a date with Brianna tonight?
Fuck, she must have heard from someone at school.
I mean, of course she’d hear. Girls spread shit like wild fire in our school.
But the thing is, I don’t want to be going on this date.
It just kind of happened as a last minute thing.
But I was afraid of this, of her finding out and feeling some type of way about it, so I do what I can to ease her mind, texting out the truth.
Brayden is going on a double date tonight with a girl he’s talking to but the other girl’s date cancelled, so he asked me to fill in, Cadence. That’s all it is.
And you just said yes? Why didn’t you tell me?
We weren’t really talking, Cadie. And it doesn’t mean anything so I didn’t think it was a big deal.
You know Brianna has had a crush on you since like the fifth grade, right?
How would you know that?
I just do.
Okay, well I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s not like I want to go on this date.
Then you could have just said no.
You’re right. But would you have said no if Ryen was in the same situation?
Yes.
Really? I find that hard to believe Cadence. She’s your best friend.
Well, I don’t date people I don’t like. So if I had no interest in the guy, then I’d say no. And Ryen wouldn’t make me do something like that if she knew I wasn’t interested.
Well why do you care so much?
I don’t.
You seem to be reacting like you do.
I was just curious.
Well does it bother you that I’m going on a date?
You just admitted that you like me, Zach.
Because I do.
Okay.
Okay.
There’s a pause, a moment of silence where I just watch the screen.
I don’t know what to say or how to react.
Are we really arguing over this? I mean, she has a point.
If I like her, then maybe I should've been more considerate of how she would have felt when hearing the news. And maybe if Bray knew that I was unavailable or uninterested, he likely wouldn’t have asked me to entertain this double date tonight. So I guess that’s my fault.
I’m not a messy guy. It’s not like I’m sleeping around and talking to a bunch of different girls.
But I’m starting to realize more and more that the lines I’m crossing when it comes to Cadence are starting to get blurred and if I’m going to take the risk to pursue what’s on the other side of those lines then I need to start thinking about what I’m doing and how it might hurt her.
But then there’s Brayden, my best friend.
I have to consider how pissed off he’s going to be if he finds out just how far I’ve taken things with his little sister.
I mean, nothing much has transpired between us yet.
But I did just admit that I like her, and hell it’s more than that if I’m being honest with myself.
I just have to figure out which path is going to have the least impact over the other because the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone.
But if I keep doing little things to mess it all up, then I might just lose both of them.
I watch as the three dots pop up on my screen, telling me that Cadence is typing a response.
Well I like you too, Zach.
I can’t describe the feeling that swarms me. It’s a rush. I mean, I can’t lie, I kind of figured as much. But now she knows for sure that I like her and I know for sure that the feeling is returned. And as nice as it is to finally get that out of the way, it’s still risky.
Cadence…
I know, I know. If Bray finds out…
So then what are we even doing, Zach?
I don’t know, Cadence. This is all just so complicated.
Well then let’s make it easier. Go enjoy your date with Bri and when you’re done, you can text me and then we can talk.
I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner. I just figured you were upset with me and that you’d let me know when you were ready.
Well, I appreciate the apology. But let’s talk more when you get back, okay?
Damn… when did you get all grown up on me Cadie?
I’ve been grown up, Zach. I guess you just haven’t been paying attention.
I’m paying attention now, little one. I’ll text you when I get home.
Have fun, Zachariah.
An hour later, I’m ready to go on this date. I almost texted Brayden and canceled after my conversation with his sister. I was so close but then I decided that it might have been a little messed up. I jog down the stairs and attempt to grab my keys from the entry table when I’m stopped.
“Son? Can you meet us in the dining room please?” The sound of my mom’s tone causes me slight worry. She doesn’t sound too pleased, maybe even a little somber.
I drop my car keys in the bowl on top of the entry table before making my way over to the dining table, where both my mother and father are seated. The air shifts as I enter, like something has sunken into and putting out a sour feeling.
“Is everything okay?” I ask as I push my fingers through my hair before taking a seat across from them.
“Well, yes and no,” my father says and I don’t really know how to take that statement. Things are either bad or they’re not.
“Were you about to head out?” my mom asks.
“Well, yeah I had plans with Brayden, but it can wait,” I tell them and they both turn to look at each other for a moment.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Zach, we’re sorry to do this but you may want to cancel your plans.” I look my dad in his eyes and I can tell that there’s a seriousness drilled into them, but also something somber bleeds through.
I observe the way they’re seated; next to each other but just enough far apart. But besides the slight waver in their tones and the display in their eyes, they belong completely stoic.
I send a quick text to Brayden explaining to him that I can’t make it due to a family emergency; something I should have done earlier if I’m being honest. But I slide my phone back into my pocket before I take a step forward.
“We want you to know that your father and I love you very much,” my father says. I look between them, trying to understand what’s happening.
“Yes, very much. And we’re very proud of the young man you’ve become too.”
“What’s going on?” I ask, starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with how formal this seems and how cryptic they’re both being right now.
Something sick twists in my gut and I can’t help but to feel extreme concern wash over my face as I wait with bated breath for either one of them to just spit it out.
My father reaches over and squeezes my mother’s hand in his own and she takes a deep breath before speaking.
“Your father and I . . . well, we are getting a divorce.”
I blink.
I blink again.
But it doesn’t actually feel like I’m blinking. Or even breathing.
It feels like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs.
I squint my eyes at them, trying to figure out if I heard correctly. Trying to understand if I should laugh at what was said or hold true concern.
But this isn’t funny.
"What do you mean?" I ask, barely able to get out the words.
I blink again. I feel my heart racing, everything starts to feel hot. But I know this can’t be right.
“Zach, we want you to know that this decision has nothing to do with anything you did or could have done.”
“Yeah, it’s just been hard for your mother and I to really reconnect ever since-”
I zone it out. I don’t want to hear what they’re going to say. I already know.
Since Sophie’s death. But this can’t be right. They don’t fight, everything seemed good. What do they mean they’re getting a divorce? And how are they being so calm about it?
But I can’t say anything. I don’t know how. Just like when Sophie died. I tried and tried to cry. Tried to yell and shout and be angry. To be sad. And I felt it. Deep down I felt the pain flood me like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. But I just couldn't say anything.
And now, I just don’t know what to say. I can’t find the words.
These are my parents. The ones who took me in when my birth mom abandoned me.
When she left me there to rot. They took me in and gave me a home.
They showed me what it was like to be loved.
They’re the last things I have left. And they’re just going to give it all up?
I drown out whatever it is they’re saying.
Probably words of encouragement and how nothing has to change.
But it already has. Everything has changed.
I lost my sister and I’m losing my future.
I’m about to lose my best friend if I keep tiptoeing behind his back with my feelings for his sister.
And now, I’m losing the last thing I truly have left that gave me hope for a better life. For love.
How could they do this to me? To Sophie?
I don’t know what they expect me to say. With how calmly they’re being, it’s like they want me to just be okay and move on. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that.
I push myself from the table, getting up and walking away. Not a word to spare. But I feel it. It hurts. It’s a sting of betrayal that I don’t want to show them. I don’t want them to know that I’m mad at them. That despite what they say, this isn’t going to be okay.
I enter my room and the air feels too tight. Like my presence is no longer welcome. Like I don't belong here. But this is my room. My room and all I have to show for it is the false memories built on a family that is crumbling by the second and there’s nothing I can do about it.
The urge to slam my fist into something is strong. And I don’t know where it comes from because I’m not a violent person. I’ve never acted out of anger like that ever, but I feel it in my bones. I want to be angry.
I turn to my trophy shelf, and I think I could do it. I could destroy it. It doesn't matter anyway, not when my future is drowning in the ocean with not a lifeboat in sight.
I walk toward the wall, every single trophy glinting as the last of the sun dips below the horizon, filtering in through my window.
I remember the feeling of getting my first trophy, the way my heart bloomed in my chest when I felt just how amazing it was to be doing something I loved and to be recognized for it.
I never took that feeling for granted, even though over the years, the recognition just kept racking up and soon it started to feel transactional, kind of.
Maybe that’s not the right word. But I started to feel pressure at being the best, even if I already was.
I can’t get better than I am, so I had this desire to push and be better and better.
But when I lost my sister, I lost a piece of hope. I lost the bind to part of my motivation. She looked up to me, and now she’s looking down on me. And now, with nothing to show for it besides a wall full of bling and a family that is falling apart, I just don’t see the point.
I feel my fist forming at my side, my fingernails digging into the skin of my palm.
Why does it matter anyway? It’s just a dumb, over-glorified kids sport.
Why do I matter when everyone and everything I love is leaving me.
I raise my fist, ready to do some damage and right as I begin to swing, my phone goes off in my pocket.
I drop my fist and reach for my phone.
It’s Cadence.
Everything stills when I realize what I was just about to do, what’s going on in my head. And then I feel this sense of calm wash over me when I see her name light up on my phone.
I turn toward my bed and sit at the edge, opening up her message.
Hey, are you home?
I should be out on that date right now, so I wonder what caused her to ask me.
Yeah.
I want to tell her about the news my parents dropped.
I want to talk to her about everything honestly.
I want to call her and hear her voice, knowing that she has this impressive power to make everything seem less big.
Less heavy. To make it quiet for a moment.
But that’s too much to put on her after all the drama I’ve already involved her in.
I overhead Zach say that you cancelled.
I did.
Everything okay?
I can let you go if I’m bothering you.
No. Please don’t go. You’re not bothering. I’m actually glad you texted.
You are?
Yeah. I wanted to apologize for the drama with Ahsley and now Brianna.
You don’t have to apologize, Zach. I understand how complicated this is.
I don’t mean to upset you.
I just have a lot going on, I wanna say but I delete that portion and just send the first part.
I know you don’t. I just think it’s new territory for us.
And maybe I've been a little… jealous.
Jealous?
Yeah. It wasn't nice seeing you with Ashley. But I know I don't have the right to be like that. I’m just Bray’s little sister, right?
You know that’s not fair, Cadie.
What does that mean?
You’re more than just my best friend’s little sister, Cadence.
You really think he’d be mad if he found out we were talking?
Yes, I know he would be.
But I don’t want to stop talking to you.
Me neither.
So then what do we do?
I don’t know Cadence.
I don't know either.
I stare at the messages and think about what the next steps are going to be.
I can either cut this off completely or I can keep doing what feels right, even though I know it’s wrong.
But something about knowing that Cadence is here, inadvertently counteracting the pain I feel sinking inside of me, is not something I want to let go of right now.
But if we keep this up, I know we’re going to have to tell her brother soon and that’s the one thing I’m not sure I know how to do.
I think maybe we can just take it one day at a time. And I think eventually, we're going to have to tell your brother.
What?? Tell him what exactly?
I don't know.
You're a confusing man, Zachariah.
I know, I know.
I just don't want to rush this or fuck it up Cadie.
And to be honest, I'm not in the best place right now.
What do you mean?
I just mean, I have a lot going on. And I'm not sure I'm good for you.
Zach, don't say that please. Is there anything I can do to help you? Do you wanna talk about anything?
Something tugs at me. The urge to do something absolutely crazy but she's offering to help me and I think I need to take her up on that. But I know that this is going to be stepping over a line and once it's crossed, I can't go back. But right now, I don't really care.
Actually, can I come pick you up?
What? Are you serious?
Yes, I actually don't want to be alone right now.
Okay, yeah. Let me just tell my mom I'm going to Ryen's.
I'll be there in fifteen.