Chapter 23
MAEVE
I’m barely able to type out the message to Ivan, but my shaky fingers manage to do it.
For the entire drive back to my apartment, shame and fear resonate in my head, coloring every thought that ricochets around my mind.
My bad feeling was right.
Alvin swallowed a string.
By the time we got him over to Logan, who looked terrified for me, not Alvin, I was shivering.
Blair lightly touched my arm, but it didn’t help, just made me jerk away.
I was right.
The building smelled like smoke, and for one insane moment, I thought the place was on fire.
But no, the charred, burnt aroma belonged to me.
Logan mouthed words that I couldn’t process.
They filtered in and out of my ears as I stared at Alvin, who had just vomited up one of the broken strings from the cat wands we received from a company.
It was because of me that those poor-quality toys arrived. The company that manufactures them had wanted a partnership, hoping a video we would make about them on our social media accounts would go viral.
X Rays…obstruction…surgery…
And it was all my fault.
Every thought of Alvin makes my stomach ache and my chest constrict. I forget to breathe until my head gets dizzy, then I suck in dramatic, ragged breaths.
It’s a miracle I make it to my apartment, my burnt Omega smell stinking up the entire car.
I switch off my phone as soon as I make it home, ignoring the missed calls from every single person in my life.
The last call I see is from Avery, which tells me that Piper tried to get into contact with him.
I probably scared the shit out of everyone, but I can’t let them see me like this, especially my pack.
How can I explain the terror that races through my body while everyone around me can handle the situation like competent adults?
The look Logan gave me, startled and concerned, tells me exactly what I need to know.
He won’t understand what I’m going through.
Ivan may try. Sweet Ivan, who is kind and patient enough to read our cat murder mysteries together, fluff my nest, and hold me whenever I’m nervous.
He may be happy to do it, but for how long?
And does he even deserve a partner like that?
We may be scent matched, but we’re not mated yet. He could still find someone else…
I burst through the door of my apartment with a ragged sob, lock it behind me, then press myself against the wall, struggling to breathe.
This isn’t a normal reaction.
Alvin is going into surgery, and I left him alone.
Yet Blair was the one that told me to go home. At least that I can remember.
It hurts to breathe.
I curl up into a ball and lay on my side, overwhelmed with shame.
What if Fang saw me like this?
I’m not the cool rocker girl he thinks I am. I’m just an immature, pathetic Omega that has access to leather jackets and hair dye.
The negative thoughts don’t stop. When they’re not imagining worst case scenarios about Alvin, they’re reminding me of all my faults.
It’s hell.
The sobs that escape me are pathetic. I cry until I hiccup, warm tears streaming down my face and snot pooling in my nose.
Disgusting.
I used to cry like this as a child, when it was just me and Avery.
I used to stay up at night and worry that he would get sick and leave me all alone.
I was obsessed with something bad happening to him, no matter how many times he would assure me it was fine.
Every cough startled me. Every sneeze sent me into a spiral.
And I knew it wasn’t normal. I knew that, even as a child, but I couldn’t stop the obsessing.
It’s just transferred over to all the cats.
Now, my worst fear has happened to Alvin.
Logan and Blair both assured me that he would be okay, but the words felt hollow. How could they promise something like that?
What if what if what if
I force myself to get up. My side is numb from being on it awkwardly, but I stumble to my feet and trudge to my bedroom, hoping the wave of emotions have subsided for now.
But Alvin’s face fills my head, and that familiar, unwelcome pain pulls at my chest again.
“Fuck!” I rub at my eyes, then collapse at the edge of my bed and put my face in my hands.
I’m furious at my own reaction.
I hate the thoughts in my head and hate myself even more for allowing my brain to do this to me.
I vaguely hear the voice of my mother, scoffing when she saw me in tears as a kid.
“Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“You’re just a little crybaby, Maeve. You think your life is so hard? It’s not, you spoiled little brat.”
“It’s not that bad. Quit being dramatic.”
“Don’t embarrass me in public. Shut your mouth and quit crying.”
I grit my teeth and dig my nails into my palms, carving little half-moons with my fingers.
“Always crying over nothing. Wasting my time when I could be doing other things.”
Her words from the past morph into toxic taunts in the present, a ghost I haven’t seen in years torturing me with verbal lashings.
“Why would Fang, Logan, and Ivan want to deal with a pathetic whiny brat? You can’t even function as an adult, Maeve. How pathetic.”
“Of course you turned out an Omega. Needy, selfish, and always acting like a baby.”
I snap.
Standing from my bed, I yank every blanket off, toss every pillow aside, and untuck every sheet until all that’s left is the bare mattress underneath my nest.
Then, I find my odor erasing spray and douse the fabrics in it, erasing the scents of Fang, Ivan, and Logan.
I punish myself the best way I know how—cutting myself off from the people that care about me and the comforts I enjoy.
Every ugly sob that escapes me only confirms the words I heard growing up.
I’m just a crybaby. A too sensitive, weak little Omega that can’t handle when life gets hard.
I stopped my own brother from being able to leave home.
Who’s to say I wouldn’t stop Fang, Ivan, and Logan from living their lives?
Sitting on the floor, staring at the aftermath of my ruined nest, my inner Omega weeps.
There’s knocking at my door.
I’m not surprised.
Of course, the pack would come to check on me.
Even if I wasn’t sure it was them, their scents permeate through my apartment, wafting from the closed front door.
My inner Omega screams at me to let them in.
Besides the panic and worries, my head hurts, and not from my obsessions.
Being apart from my scent matches begins to make me feel unwell.
The knocks get louder, but I stay sitting against my bedroom wall, looking at the remnants of my nest.
I took scissors to my old nesting blankets. I couldn’t ruin the ones that Ivan bought me, though.
I only destroyed the ones that I purchased myself. They’re in ribbons on the floor, and the pillows I loved the most have the stuffing torn out of them.
Why should I deserve comfort?
What happened to Alvin was my fault.
The knocking eventually stops, and the sun begins to set.
The light from my window slowly dims, casting shadows on the mess in my bedroom.
My phone sits next to me, powered off but begging for my attention.
No matter what I do, I’m letting everyone down.
I’m being a bad friend to Piper and Blair, a selfish sister to Avery, and a pathetic Omega to the pack.
And a bad cat parent to all the kitties at the rescue.
Sighing, I turn my phone back on, bracing for the missed calls and messages.
My heart leaps when I see how many there are.
I have missed calls from everyone, including Doctor Jolie.
There are few texts from Piper and Blair, each telling me that they’re here whenever I need them, along with an update that Alvin is fine.
A sweet message from Ivan catches my attention:
I told Logan and Fang you wanted space. It’s hard to be away from you, babe, and we’re all here for you. We’re never far.
I swallow down the lump in my throat.
They’re far too good for me.
I make a call to Blair, ready to accept whatever she has to tell me.
“Hey,” she answers. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she says gently. “We all just want to make sure you’re alright.”
“Is Alvin—”
“He’s doing just fine. No blockage, no obstruction.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m sorry,” I stammer again. “I’m so, so sorry—”
“Hey. Hey. Maeve, breathe.”
“I’m so embarrassed,” I croak.
“You don’t need to be. You want to take the day off tomorrow, take care of yourself? Have your pack come over and keep you company.”
She doesn’t see me shake my head.
They’ll think less of me.
“Maeve,” Blair adds. “They’re your scent matches for a reason. The universe doesn’t just gift us that for no reason. They were made for you. You know that.”
“Do I?” I whisper.
“You do. Your brain just had its wires crossed for a second. That doesn’t mean we don’t love you and care for you.”
Fresh tears spill down my face at the word love. “I abandoned Alvin.”
“You didn’t. You put him in the right hands.”
A strangled sob escapes me. “I had a breakdown over a piece of string.”
“And I lost my mind when my pack was in a minor fender bender. Do you remember that? I left town for a week, and nothing bad actually happened to them.”
I do remember that. Blair tragically lost her old pack in a car accident years ago. Then, when she met Travis, Ryland, and Rowan, she did everything she could to ignore the scent match. When she finally fell for them, they crashed their car, and she couldn’t handle it.
It triggered her so badly she ended the relationship and refused to talk to us for a week.
Thankfully, it all worked out.
“Yeah, I remember,” I whisper. “But yours was warranted.”
She ignores my argument. “And Piper ended things with her pack, including Avery, when Poe signed the paperwork on the sale to the rescue, without giving him a chance to explain himself.”
“Yeah, but those made sense—”
“Your feelings are just as valid as ours, Maeve. You can argue all you want, but you don’t need to be ashamed of how your brain functions.”
I huff.
“Heaven forbid the girl that loves cats cries about a cat she loves,” Blair adds. “Which we all have done, by the way.”
I nibble my lip nervously. “I destroyed my nest,” I admit quietly.