Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Cody
Imight’ve exaggerated a bit when I said I’d played before.
Not an outright lie—just a bit of a stretch.
I’d done some pickup play here at the club—with pups who were looking to have some fun, but not looking for a permanent owner.
I kept healthy treats in my pocket—salami jerky and pumpkin kibble.
In case the pup was vegetarian. But if Lorcan expected me to know everything, I’d have to be more open.
Lorcan sipped his drink. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“Can you be more specific? Do you mean negotiating, or the pup thing, or a casual relationship?”
He laughed. The sound grated. “I can say I’m a disaster at relationships.
I didn’t even come out until I met Stephen.
Before then, it was strictly hookups in gay bars on Davie Street.
Always with protection, of course. I was a bit younger, but I lived through the AIDS crisis.
” He pursed his lips. “When Stephen and I met…like, something magical happened. I didn’t want to hide who I was.
He was out and proud. Since we committed to being a couple, I stopped hiding as well.
We even married as soon as gay marriage was legal in Canada. ”
My eyebrows shot up. “You were together…how long? Twenty years?”
“Twenty-eight. I was twenty-five when we first started dating. Thirty-three when we married. I figured this was a forever thing, you know?”
He’d been around my age when he’d met the man he believed he’d be with for the rest of his life. That betrayal had to hurt. Deep.
“But that’s not what I meant.” He scratched his bearded jaw. “I meant that I’ve held this desire in for so long that I’m afraid to embrace it. I look at those pups having fun—” He gestured with his chin. “—and I want that. But I’m washed up. Over the hill.”
Since I still had my hand over his, I tapped it gently.
“I’ve always maintained age is just a number.
I have a friend who’s close to your age, and he loves to play as a pup.
He’s not here tonight, but I’m hoping one day you might meet him.
” I pointed at Jai, who was playing vigorously with the woman with graying hair.
“I don’t know her age—or even her name—but I’d say she’s having a great time. ”
Her playful yips carried across the room.
“Do you have a pup name? Not everyone does.” In my mind, I tried to picture a name that might suit him.
He shook his head. “I never—” He swallowed. “I never let myself envision this. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling so hard now.”
I’d observed his trepidation before, but wasn’t going to comment.
Here, though, he’d opened the door. “I was terrified the first time I came here. Newly minted with my PhD. Had just been the psychologist for a summer camp of LGBTQ kids for three months. I felt good about my professional success, but terrified about my personal prospects.”
“Oh. Funny, I wouldn’t have thought that about you.”
I grinned. “Well, picture this—I walk in here, nervous, and I’m looking around. Who do I see? My boss.”
His eyes grew wide. “Seriously?”
I nodded. “I would never share his secret with anyone—nor would he mine. But it kind of blew my mind when I saw him here. Part of me wanted to turn tail and run. The rest of me figured well, he already knows.” I shrugged. “I will say he was likely more surprised.”
“That you were here?”
“That I wasn’t a pup.”
“But you said there are older pups.”
“And younger Daddies and Mommies. Certainly. I got over my shock and settled into a friendship beyond work. At the time, I hadn’t realized how isolated I was—I was surrounded by people, but no one knew my truth. Here, I can be myself. This is only my fourth time here.”
“It’s my first.”
“You’re already braver than I was. I didn’t approach anyone my first night here.”
“I didn’t exactly approach you.” Said a little ruefully.
“No. You had the courage to open yourself up to Master Dante. That’s strength. That’s optimism.”
He cocked his head. “No one’s called me an optimist in a very long time.”
“Well, we’ll just have to change that.” I sipped my drink. “May I ask you what you’re looking for? Or is that too overwhelming a question?”
He pursed his lips. “I don’t know what I’m looking for. I mean—” He gestured. “I didn’t figure I’d jump in the first night.”
“But you’d want to in the future?”
“I’ll probably need kneepads, and no one should be forced to see me naked.”
That comment struck me. Many of the pups didn’t have the ideal appearance. Whatever the fuck that meant. A couple were on the skinny side. Several carried extra weight. Some pups were fully naked, while some wore clothing that covered their private parts. Three had kneepads.
Jai never used them, while Foster absolutely did.
“There’s nothing wrong with needing kneepads.” I gestured with my chin. “Cheddar uses them, and he’s a young guy. Needs to protect his joints, though.”
“Cheddar?”
I smiled. “I don’t know his real name—he introduced himself as Cheddar. He’s partial to jerky treats and scritches behind the ear.”
“Oh.” Lorcan held my gaze for a moment before looking away.
I wanted to ask him to tell me what he was thinking, but that felt too personal.
He sighed. “I want that. I don’t know how or why I know…I just know.”
“Then you can have it. No reason you can’t enjoy yourself. Whether you want to start in a club or in the privacy of your own home is another question. Both have risks and both have rewards.”
“Risks?”
“Well, being seen in public is a risk.”
“I don’t think anyone’s going to give a shit if the world finds out I like to put on ears and bark like a dog. The world already has a pretty dim view of me.” He bit his lip. “My new boss might not like it, though.”
Considering, I took another sip. “Exposure here is pretty damn rare. I’ve met several people who’ve been coming for years, and they’re hard-pressed to remember anyone who was outed.
I meant more the risk to yourself. Of being that vulnerable.
Exhibitionists get off on this, for certain.
Not everyone here is like that. Some people just want the companionship and security of being with people who understand them. ”
“Okay, I can see that. And if I were to do this privately? Aside from the fact that the walls in my apartment are paper thin? The people next door have a baby with colic, and I’ve taken to wearing earplugs.
I feel guilty, because none of them can do anything about it, and I know I certainly can’t help, but I just need peace and quiet, you know? ”
“I do. My aunt—the only family member who didn’t abandon me—helped me with a down payment on a condo. That new building near the highway. The soundproofing is fantastic. I’m on the top floor, and aside from the train whistle—which would pierce through anything—I never hear things.”
“Oh, wow. I’m so envious.”
“Right? I remember my dorm at Simon Fraser University in my first year. I never could get any peace. That’s a distant memory.”
“Whereas I’m going back to the crying tonight.”
I winced. “That’s unfortunate. You’re working tomorrow?”
For the first time, he glanced at his utilitarian watch. “Early. I mean, I’ll be okay. I just wish this was on a Friday or Saturday night.” He glanced around. “Apparently this place is busy on the weekends.”
“Master Dante mentioned that to me. They have pups and littles in the mix here on those nights as well. Personally, I prefer things a bit quieter. More intimacy. That said, I can enjoy impact play and I find suspension fascinating.”
“Suspension?”
“Tying someone up and suspending them off their feet.”
“Oh. Right. That makes sense.”
“How much do you know about BDSM?”
He scratched his chin again. “I tried reading some books, but it didn’t strike a chord in me. I mean, I get how some people enjoy hurting other people—and how those people enjoy getting hurt.”
“That’s part of it, certainly.”
“Right. So yeah. I mean—” He leaned closer. “—it’s one thing to swat a puppy on his butt with a newspaper. Oh, human puppy.” He quickly clarified, obviously worried I might misinterpret.
“Yes, that’s true.”
“It’s another thing to like, whip them. Or hit them until you leave bruises. That’s not my jam.”
“Thank you for explaining that. I’m not into that either. If I have a pup, and there’s training involved, that would all be negotiated up front. He would always know what was going to happen and the consequences for disobedience.”
He frowned. “How do you know all this stuff? Is there a manual?”
I laughed. “I’ve found some books and articles. Some comes from my imagination. Visualization—I imagine what it would be like to be a Daddy. To have a pup to care for.” Gently, I stoked the top of his hand. “We could find a way to do this together.”
“Uh…” His frown didn’t lessen. “This is moving fast.”
“Then let’s slow it down. I don’t know about you, but I could use another friend.”
“Friend?” He sort of croaked that—clearly uncomfortable.
“We both live in Mission City, correct?”
“Yeah. I’m in an apartment building on Second Avenue. It’s pretty crappy.”
“And I live in a new-build condo near the highway, as I said.”
He brightened. “Some of those units have such pretty views.”
“Mine does. I can see Mount Baker from my balcony. A balcony I can enclose, so even in the winter, I can sit out there. Tell you what…how would you like to see my view? Maybe one day you can come for lunch. I’m surrounded by fast food options. Or if you trust me, I can cook you something.”
“That sounds like a lot of trouble.”
“Trust me, it’s not. If you want, you can come and hang out. See the view—if we can. Plenty of rain this time of year.”
“And even snow.”
“Yep, even snow. I’m looking forward to it. I have my winter tires on my SUV and am ready to deal with any kind of weather.”
His brow did this little furrow thing I found adorable. “I need to get new winter tires.”
I waited, but he didn’t elaborate. “What do you do? If you don’t mind me asking—”
“I work construction. These days, I’m doing a lot of drywall, but the foreperson is planning to rotate me through a couple of other positions as well. She’s shorthanded and I’m, well, a jack of all trades. So to speak. And you’re a psychologist. That’s…just, wow.”
“Please think of me as a regular guy who’s looking for friends.”
“A friend who might be able to hook me up with some counseling.”
“Yes, that’s true.” Again, I gently stroked his hand. “The forecast is for sun on Saturday. I was planning a long walk in Heritage Park. Join me? Then we can have takeout at my place. Perhaps see the dormant volcano across the border in Washington State.”
He sighed. “Let me think about it?”
“Of course. Zero pressure, okay? This isn’t about pups, Daddies, or dating. This is just two guys hanging out and getting to know each other.”
“Yeah, okay.” He yanked out his phone. “Are you comfortable giving me your number?”
“Absolutely.” He unlocked his phone and handed it over.
I noticed that he, like I, used a passcode rather than facial recognition.
After typing my number into his contacts, I sent myself a text.
“Okay. So, the next step is up to you. If you want help to find a counselor, I can do that. If you want to go for a walk on Saturday, I can do that. If you want me to give you time and space, I can do that as well. Whatever you need. Okay?”
“You make it sound so easy. Lately, everyone has wanted something from me. I mean, it’s one thing for your boss to ask you to work—I’m appreciative.
It’s another to have investigators crawling up your ass asking for things you just don’t have.
” He accepted his phone back from me, but didn’t meet my gaze. “Sorry. You didn’t need to know that.”
“You never have to apologize. I’m a good listener. I even promise to leave my counselor hat at home.”
That made him smile. “You seem like a really good man, Cody.”
“As do you.” Again, I offered a gentle smile. “It sounds like you’ve had a rough go of it. Hopefully things will look up from here.”
“Yeah. I guess so.” He scratched his bearded cheek again. “I feel like I’ve gotten all my chances and have blown all of them. That this is the best it’s going to be.”
“And that would be bad? A job, making friends, hopefully coming out from whatever you’ve been through—”
His gaze sharpened, and he pulled his hand back.
Oh shit.
“You know.” His eyes turned to flint.
“No, I don’t. Some vague mention of an article in the newspaper that I haven’t read doesn’t mean I know anything. If you want to share, I’m all ears.”
“Not today.” He tapped the table. “I think I need to go.”
“Okay. I know it sounds silly, but will you be okay driving home?”
He chuckled. “The ginger ale didn’t hit hard.”
“Maybe not, but you look tired.”
“Perpetual state of being—nothing interesting going on here.”
“That’s fair. Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep either. I try hard though, because yawning when I’m with a patient isn’t a good idea.”
“No.” He rubbed his forehead. “Healing Horses Ranch.”
See? He has been paying attention.
“Feel free to use my name. Chances are Rainbow will answer the phone. She’ll take care of you.”
“Rainbow, eh?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
He rose.
I rose as well.
With an odd salute, he headed for the door.
After long contemplation, I took our melted drinks—still half full—to the bar.
The older gentleman took them from me with a nod. “Another?”
I sighed. “I think I’m going to treat myself to a whisky. But, like, half?”
He grinned. “How about a Lemon Drop shot?”
Intrigued, I nodded. “Just one. I’m driving.”
“You should be fine.” He set about making the drink.
“How’d you know I was looking for that?” I took the drink from him.
“You don’t strike me as the whisky type. That said, I serve whatever someone asks for.”
I saluted him and took the shot. Then swallowed and gasped. “Holy shit.”
He grinned and accepted the shot glass back. “Another tonic and lime?”
“Uh, no. Just an ice water.”
“Coming up.”
Once he handed me a glass, I pivoted to scope out my friends.
Both Jai and Demetrius watched me with light in their eyes.
Well, shit. Even if I held back all the personal stuff, I still had a hell of a story to tell. Because with Jai and Demetrius, even a “yeah, he might be a pup but we’re taking it slow, just meeting for lunch, maybe,” could be turned into something very interesting.
I headed their way.