Chapter Two
In which we learn that if the day sucks, it’s just guaranteed to suck more.
Iris….
I should have known this day was going to suck.
I woke up and my period had started overnight, which means a big load of laundry to do today. All these delightful spring flowers are giving me hay fever and a hideous, red dripping nose. Then, Rose calls to invite me to dinner.
"This seems oddly formal," I say, tucking my phone under my chin, about to switch the sheets from the washer to the dryer. "Anything going on?"
"No," she says quickly, and my eyes narrow. Too quickly. Rose is a terrible liar. "I just want time to talk about important things."
"Is everything okay, sweetie?" My hands slow, with the wet sheets dripping on the floor.
"Of course! As a matter of fact, I'm really happy today. I've been crazy happy all week!"
Shrugging, I think back. She has been unnaturally cheerful and singing Disney songs so I guess that's a yes. This is where our interests diverge. I like opera. The darker and gloomier the better. Rife with sexism and trauma and meaningless death.
"Okay, where are we eating?" I ask reluctantly.
"Millie and Steve's diner. You know the one on 14th with all the pie?"
Who could forget? Stacked glass cases of every pie that exists and a few that shouldn't, like the sour cream and beet one on graham cracker crust. But I respect Millie and Steve's adventurous spirit.
"I do," I glance at my watch and curse. "I'm sorry, hon.
I've got to go, I have a Marketing exam in twenty minutes. "
"Good luck! See you tonight."
I'm so distracted thinking about my sister's unnatural cheerfulness that my performance on the exam is abysmal. I'm going to have to beg Professor Sato to let me retake it.
When 7 o'clock comes, my hand is on the door of the diner and I have a feeling that if I walk in, life is going to change. I almost let go of the handle and turn away.
"Miss Iris, is everything okay?" Vitali, my bodyguard, steps up behind me.
Yeah, I'm a chicken. I sigh and head in. "All good, V."
He scans the restaurant. "I'll be sitting closer to the entrance to give you some privacy." He's caught the eye of Leonid, Rose's bodyguard, who pulls out a chair for him.
"Thanks, Vitali." He's such a nice man. Like your kindly uncle. Who kills people.
Rose is hanging halfway out of the booth with a big glass of red wine gripped in her fist and waving at me as if there is no possible way I could see her in this ten-table diner.
This is common for her and I've always loved it.
As I get closer, my heart sinks. Jeremy, her latest boyfriend, is sitting next to her.
When they first started dating, I asked Vitali what he thought about Jeremy and he looked me straight in the eye.
"Jeremy is a choad."
I'd never heard the phrase before. When Vitali explained it to me, I could not stop laughing.
Looking at Jeremy now, though, he's definitely a choad.
His hair gelled to perfection, he's got smooth skin with a perma-tan and he's built just enough that his sunken chest isn't quite as noticeable.
He's a greasy little weasel, thrilled to death about Rose's family connections, even if he pretends he knows nothing about them.
Really, I thought Rose would see through this dickwad but so far, she's starry-eyed in love.
"Oh, I didn't know we were bringing people." I smile, sitting down across from them.
"Good to see you, Sis," Jeremy says.
I put down my water glass, ice cubes sloshing on the table and stare at him. "What did you call me?"
His practiced grin fades. "Oh, sorry. I'm just so used to hearing Rose say it.
I guess I just picked it up." His cheesy excuse dies off and he downs half a glass of cabernet as Rose and I talk about the day.
Our evening recaps have always been one of my favorite moments with my sister, but it's different with Jeremy sitting here with his weird, ingratiating grin.
Our meals arrive, steak sandwiches for me and Rose, and some sort of tofu shit for Jeremy. When our server leaves, she leans forward, grabbing my hand. "We have the best news!" Rose almost sings it, she's that happy. "Jeremy proposed and I said yes!"
"Oh, well, that's great." I'm desperately trying to manufacture some enthusiasm. I glance at her bare left hand. "Where's the ring?"
Jeremy clears his throat. "Well, we're engaged to be engaged. I'm going to ask my parents for my grandmother's diamond ring. I'm sure they'll say I can have it."
"Engaged to be engaged," I muse. "Is that how you get out of buying a ring?"
"Iris!" Rose frowns at me. "That's a mean thing to say."
"Sorry." My apology isn't really sincere, and she knows me well enough to catch it.
What follows is the most depressing forty-five minutes of my life, and given the fact that we were kidnapped two years ago by psychotic billionaires who planned to marry us off to entitled rich fuckers who were thirty years older than us? That's saying something.
Rose talks about her dream of a cozy little apartment.
Jeremy's underlying meaning in every sentence is that he expects our brother-in-law to buy them something huge. They talk about the wedding. I notice he mentions one of the Morozov luxury hotels, which of course means he's assuming the wedding will be free.
When he starts hinting about a summer house in Nantucket - where the Morozovs have two mansions by the sea - I can't take it anymore. "Ok, that's great. How are you going to pay for all of this?" I ask. "Most of our inheritance from Dad went to our tuition, and Roman is paying the rest."
Rose's blissful smile fades and it makes me feel terrible. "Well, we're still working on that," she says. "I know Violet really likes Jeremy and I'm hoping that she can intercede with Roman on our behalf."
Taking a sip of my wine, I wish I'd gotten a tumbler full of ice-cold vodka instead. This is the kind of news that you need hard liquor to swallow.
"Yeah, well… those are beautiful plans, but they do involve a lot of money and again, our inheritance is mostly gone and we haven't started working yet, so…" I level my glare at Jeremy. "Do you have something lined up, since this is your last year?"
Oh, he hates that question, I can tell. "Not yet." He smiles down at Rose. "But there's several companies who have already indicated interest in hiring me right out of school."
He could be telling the truth. There's a ridiculous overload of accountants and financial firms here in New York.
I am very sure that Roman did a background check on Jeremy and I'm going to get my hands on it.
I'd really like to see how some of these details of his are lining up because so far, the only thing I'm getting from this is that he's expecting the Morozovs to pay for him and Rose for the rest of their lives together.
Worse, is that my sweet sister has somehow been suckered into it. It's humiliating, because Roman and Violet have given us so much already.
Admittedly, we do have a very good side income from our ‘extracurricular’ activities and I'll bet Rose hasn't breathed a word of what we do to Jeremy. He seems like the type to freak out.
Dinner finally grinds to a painful end, and I notice that Rose pays for Jeremy's dinner, too.
I've never thought a guy should pay for everything, I always insist on going halfsies, it just seems fair.
But I can tell by the way he drifts off to the bathroom - leaving her with the bill - that this is a common maneuver.
"You don't seem happy for me," Rose says sadly.
"Sweetie, I love you." I reach over, squeezing her hand. "I just… you're usually so sharp about men. That's one of our best skills."
"This is true," she nods. "We can break down their weaknesses and soft spots in less than five minutes of conversation."
"Exactly! So, I just… To me, it seems like Jeremy has some glaring red flags."
That's the understatement of the century.
Rose frowns. "Like what?"
"Well, first -"
"What are my girls talking about?" Jeremy's back.
"I'm not your girl," I snap, probably more forcefully than needed.
He leans back in exaggerated surprise. "Whoa, there! Sorry."
Looking at my sister, I flinch at her embarrassment and disappointed expression. I know she thought this night would go better.
"No, I'm sorry," I grind the words out. "I didn't get much sleep last night. This is… I'm happy for you." Jeremy doesn't care and Rose is not convinced, so I hug her hard. "Really," I whisper in her ear. "If this is what you want, you know I've got your back. Always."
***
Find the definition of "Choad" here in the Urban Dictionary. (Jeremy is, as you'll see, #2 and #3)