Chapter Twenty-Two
In which there is a history lesson about Tsar Alexis the Quietest. You might want to take some notes.
Iris…
I felt Andrey with every step I took for a week.
It probably wouldn't have lasted so long, but even if he was willing to hold off in bed, I wasn't. My husband was not joking when he said there were so many things he would show me.
"It's like we just invented sex!" I say to Rose on day eight, speed-drinking my latte because I really need the caffeine. "Like, it can't be this good for everyone, right?"
"You're limping," she points out.
"That's not important," I refuse to look at her. She's going to be smirking. "The point is, this was worth waiting for because I can't imagine how pissed off I'd be if I'd had some mediocre college boy experience when this five star sex god was waiting for me."
"Oh, you mean like Kevin?"
I cringe a little. Kevin was Rose's first boyfriend and a miserable failure in bed. "That's different," I backtrack. "I mean, Kevin was your choice, that's the important thing. And on the toxic positivity side, he was useful because you learned what you didn't like."
"Smooth comeback, fam." She bumps me with her shoulder, sending my latte sloshing over my hand.
"Rude!" I lick it off my hand because it was an eleven-dollar drink. "So, we're shopping for a dress because this is Meet The Parents night?"
"Yep. Jeremy's folks are coming into town and I'm hoping they're bringing his grandmother's wedding ring. Now, stop trying to distract me! You're going to have to give me something," she complains. "You cannot undergo something this transformative and just tell me it was excellent."
"We agreed we wouldn't-"
"Fuck that!" Rose snaps. "You're riding the O Train on the daily and I'm demanding details! It is my right as your other half!"
My steps slow down as I marinate in guilt. It's rude to gloat and not give her something. Despite the fact that we're walking on a New York City block, no one bumps into us because our bodyguards surround us, with Melina closest to me.
"Okay, but-" I look behind us and Av is looming over us. "Av, cover your ears."
He looks at me with the bleak resignation of a man who has been asked to do too many ridiculous things and puts his big paws over his ears.
Rose grips my arm and I don't know if she's aware that her nails are digging in but it's not comfortable.
"I can tell this is going to be good. And I swear to god if you don't tell me right now, I am going to shave your head the next time you pass out drunk, which has happened more than once. The passing out part, I mean."
My whole body feels like it just stepped into a sauna, even my cheeks flush.
I swear my temperature rises 10° just thinking about my husband and his magical dick.
"Okay, but take your nails out of my arm, please.
So, Andrey…" I clear my throat for a minute and try to shut down a giggle. "He has an enhancement."
Rose stops dead on the street and swings me around to face her. Our bodyguard cage closes in, so the poor innocent pedestrians bump off them instead of us. "Stop fucking around!" she hisses.
"Andrey has four pearls inserted under the skin of his dick!" I blurt and then slap my hand over my mouth. I can't believe I just said that out loud. I've never seen Rose's eyes open so wide and her grip tightens again on my arm.
"You're lying to me. Pearls? Seriously?"
"Keep your voice down!" I look around our bodyguard fence, who are pretending not to hear us, although Melina has the slightest twitch of a smile playing on her lips.
"No, he explained it to me." I pull on her arm so we can keep walking.
"Russian nobility loved pearls. They decorated their clothes and furniture with them, and there's insane amounts of pearl jewelry dating back well over eight hundred years ago.
All those Tsars even decorated their palaces with them.
"But it got really good when Tsar Alexis the Quietest took the throne in 1645.
He had the royal physician insert three pearls under the skin of his dick, on the top so that it would rub against the G spot though I don't think they knew what a G spot was back then obviously, but apparently, he knew something because holy shit! "
"Heh…" Rose is incapable of offering more.
"Andrey heard about this and the rest is history."
"Well, shit. I guess he was called Tsar Alexis the Quietest because he was letting his dick do all the talking," Rose says.
We look at each other and break into uproarious laughter. A businessman with his cell phone glued to his ear looks at us disapprovingly, but two girls in waitress uniforms pass on the right side, winking, like they know exactly what we're talking about.
"I'm pretty sure Jeremy would pass out if I even suggested he get a piercing anywhere in the general area of his dick and your man just jumped to the front of the line. How have we never even heard of that? I thought we were experts!"
"I know, right?" I'm desperately downgrading my screechy laugh to the occasional hiccupping giggle. "You can never tell anyone. This stays between us. Sacred twin bond."
"Speaking of twins, you think Nikandr has them?" she asks.
I think about it, finishing my latte. "I don't think so. Caroline's not the type to be able to keep that in. I don't think any of the Morozov women could hold back a secret like that."
"Okay," she says decisively. "I totally see why you're a sex psychopath. You just can't stop jittering with all this nervous sexual energy. If I had those pearls at my disposal, I'd be riding them all day."
One of the bodyguards pulls open the door of Sak's Fifth Avenue and we're still trying to control our laughter as we head inside.
Rose is trying on the seventh dress and there's something wrong with every one of them. Too short, too tight, too princessey. And she can't let the pearl thing go, not that I can blame her.
"Wow, can you imagine how addicting that must be?
" She turns so I can zip up the back of the dress.
She surveys it for a moment. "No. Too pink.
" I unzip it and hang it up on the rack, picking out the next dress for her.
She gives me a sly smile in the dressing room mirror.
"No wonder all those girls have been boo-hooing to the media, huh? "
My gut clenches. "What girls?"
"You haven't seen these?" She pulls out her phone and taps on a gossip site, pulling it up for me. "I think this is the latest one," she says, handing it to me.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
The article has a picture of Andrey's blonde and statuesque "longtime girlfriend," which I know is bullshit because Andrey couldn't tolerate anyone for more than a date or two.
"Bianca" boo-hoos through the article about how he truly loved her most and that he was forced to marry me for “family obligations.” She finishes up by tearfully saying, "Andrey, I will wait for you! Forever, as long as it takes."
"That is so painfully cheesy," I say. "Did she get ChatGPT to write that up for her? It sounds like AI garbage."
"Yeah, it's complete shit," she agrees, twisting and turning in the mirror. "Does my ass look big in this?"
I don't even look up from the phone. "Your ass is perfect and you know it, so shut up. And stop fishing for compliments."
"Then this is the one." Rose gives a little twirl before letting me take it off her.
"How many of these posts have you seen?" I ask, hanging the dress back on the rack.
She eyes me in the mirror. "Like… twelve? I mean, I haven't searched his name or anything." By which she means yes, she has been religiously searching for his name.
"Does anyone mention the pearls?"
"Surprisingly, no." she says. "And you know that would be the headline if they did." She pauses for a minute. "Do you think he made them sign an NDA before he fucked them?"
"Okay, I don't want to think about who he has been in bed with," I say, busying myself with the dress rack. "Andrey told me now that we're married, I am the only one. He said that even if I refused to touch him, I would be the only one."
"That's really beautiful," Rose sighs, getting back into her shorts. "Also, complete bullshit."
"I think he was being honest." Of course he would've just seduced me anyway, eventually. I would've caved once I saw his dick. Not that I'm complaining.
"So, how's the rest of it?" Rose asks as we pay for the dress. "How's he treating you?"
"We've gone to three fundraisers and a black-tie legal community dinner in the last two weeks," I groan. "There are always more Excel spreadsheets for me to memorize about important people."
"Lucky you've got a good memory," Rose says. "Though all this shit is likely to knock out everything you've learned about marketing. I don't know how much your poor little brain can hold."
"Supportive," I say. "Thanks for that."
"That's what a sister is for, honey." She links her arm with mine. "To both support and humble you, usually at the same time."
"That is a special skill of yours," I admit and she graciously nods her head. "So, what about tonight? Are you excited to meet Jeremy's parents?"
Her mouth gives a funny little twist. "Yes?"
"That sounds more like a question than a statement," I say, watching her expression.
"Well, he's making such a big fucking deal about it," she says. "I kind of thought I would win this round because: Morozovs. But he's acting like the King and Queen of Suburbia are visiting."
"Well, maybe he’s feeling a little insecure because yeah, the whole Bratva empire thing." I squeeze her arm. "So, he wants to show that his parents are important, too." I feel dirty. I hate being supportive of Jeremy in any way but again, this is her choice and I'm here to back her up.
Rose nods firmly. "It's going to be fine."
"Well, I believe this is the new Mrs. Andrey Morozova."
I don't know the voice, but Melina is instantly on alert, which tends to be a warning of just how much I'm going to dislike a person.
Turning around wearing my social smile, I see Senator Carlisle Sinclair.
I definitely recognize the face. He's a tall man who hides a gut behind well-tailored suits.
I'd bet Rose fifty bucks that he colors his hair to get it that silver shade.
"How are you, Senator Sinclair?" I try to add a dash of cordiality to my tone and fail.
"I know we haven't met yet, Iris, isn't it? But I'm a big supporter of your husband. I think he's going to do great things on the bench." His smile is too wide.
"Thank you, Senator. Are you out enjoying a little retail excess today?" He stands closer than he should, and he'd probably be rubbing up on Rose and me if Melina hadn't stepped between us in a way that would make it painfully awkward if he tried.
"Oh, well," he gives a self-effacing little chuckle. "Just picking up something for my little girl, Diana. It's her birthday this weekend." It's then I notice he has a camera crew trailing him, so he must be trying to push the, "I'm just a dad who loves his family," narrative.
"That's so nice," Rose says. She slips her arm around my waist, giving him a sweet smile, tilting her head toward mine.
No no no no, Rose! This is not the time for one of our, "crush their hearts and leave them bleeding" games.
Sinclair's eyes light up. Goddamnit.
"And this must be your sister? I'd heard you had an identical twin," he asks with too much interest.
"I'm Rose Monroe, Senator, it's a pleasure to meet you."
To my horror, she holds out a flirty little hand to shake his. I don't want him touching her. I slide my arm around her waist, too, and pull her away. Maybe a little abruptly because her feet tangle up in mine and only Av stepping in and catching her saves us from a mortifying sprawl.
"Oops!" I say in a cheery tone. "Looks like our blood sugar's getting low. I'm always terribly clumsy when I haven't eaten."
"Of course," Sinclair says. His sharp little eyes narrow, even while he keeps his genial grin. "Be sure to let your husband know how much I'm looking forward to working with him for the benefit of this great state."
I hustle Rose back to the car, Melina has called ahead and the Mercedes and our two chase cars are double parked just a few steps away. Have they been circling the block this whole time? Probably.
"Aw, that was going to be fun," Rose whines. "Fucking with a U.S. Senator? We'd be legendary."
"No." The driver pulls away from the curb and I swear I see Sinclair staring at us through the store window. "That man is deep into his villain era. I can feel it. We don't play games with him. Ever."
I hope that's the last time we ever see him, but I have a feeling I'm not going to be that lucky.