Chapter 22 #2
He truly felt no guilt. She’d never really believed that before. Didn’t that fact mean something, no matter how twisted his master was?
Perhaps she could build on that in two short days …
“Claire!”
She turned to where her aunts sat.
“Here,” said Felice, thrusting something at her. “You are so careless!”
Claire took a book. Then she realized it was her record book.
“Where did you find this?” she demanded, untying the boards and flipping through the pages.
“In the pile of spare wooden trenchers. You probably put it there in a fit of absentmindedness. You have to start paying attention to real life, Claire, though I suppose that’s hard when your brain is fixed so hotly between your thighs.”
“Oh, Felice …” Amice muttered.
Claire ignored her aunts and checked that all was there. It was, which wasn’t surprising. The work had little value to anyone but herself.
“I’m not careless with books, Felice. Doubtless Eudo slipped it there in his last visit.”
Felice smirked. “So you have enough wit left to see that. Have you decided why?”
“Probably so he didn’t have to admit that one of his men filched it. But thank you for finding it, Felice. My work could have lingered there till the next feast.”
“Work,” her aunt sniffed. “But if you value it, take care of it.”
Claire didn’t argue the point. “Apparently the king has summoned us to court at Carrisford.”
“Us?” Felice asked, sitting up straighter.
“Renald and me,” Claire said, cursing her careless words. “I must ask you to take care of Summerbourne while we are away.”
“Why should we,” Felice asked petulantly, “while you gallivant around?”
Renald’s voice answered, from close behind Claire. “For kindness’ sake, Lady Felice. Next time we go to court, it will likely be possible to take you.”
“Only if you and Claire are still married.” Felice’s eyes flickered between them. “Is it settled then? Has she finally decided that a father’s death doesn’t matter?”
“Felice!”
“You put on airs of being so noble and honest, but in the end you do just what you want, like the rest of us. I suspect you wanted him all along.”
“That’s not true.”
“No? I still have a letter you wrote to me, dwelling on his charms. I remember the way you rubbed against him in front of the convent gates.”
“I was trying to persuade you to marry him.”
“But you leaped at the chance to marry him yourself, didn’t you? Before I truly had a chance to consider!”
Amice was weeping. “And Claire, you know I … I offered …”
Claire opened her mouth to argue, but realized it was futile. Felice in this mood wouldn’t hear reason, and Amice was right. She had offered.
Renald broke the silence. “Delightful though it is to be the bone between salivating … dogs, Claire must arrange for the journey. We start at first light tomorrow. Come, my lady.”
Claire was grateful to obey. Once out of hearing, he murmured, “If ever I forget, remind me that you saved me from your aunts.”
The hint of humor could break her heart, because Felice’s words had jabbed at her hope.
She didn’t know if she was going to be able to sort it all out in her mind.
As he’d said to her once, mere surrender wasn’t good enough.
She had to fully accept him, as he truly was. Accept the dark, murderous sword.
One solution had arisen, however. “Renald, Felice has clearly changed her mind. If I cannot continue with this marriage, will you take her instead?”
He looked at her. “I love you.”
She closed her eyes on the pain of it.
“Perhaps I do deserve penance, though. I am a warrior, Claire, and all along I fought to win. Henry calls Summerbourne a bit of paradise, and that’s how I see it. And you are the angel in it. I fell in love with you almost at first sight, but love didn’t make me noble. It made me greedy.”
“Greedy?”
He put his fingers over her lips. “Hear me out. This is the confessional. Whatever decision you make, I want it to be in full knowledge. Yes, I do have guilt. All along, I did what I had to do to capture you. If I’d been a better man, I would have told you the truth. I would have let you go.”
“But you had to marry here and Amice and Felice were in the convent.”
He smiled ruefully. “A messenger from Henry would have had them thrown out into my arms. And they fled in the first place because of the lies I had my men tell in their hearing.”
Claire knew she should be furious, but she could only think that without his stratagems she would not now be here. If all they ever had was this month, she would not have missed it, pain and all.
“I forgive you. But you’re right. You do deserve a penance. If I find I cannot keep our marriage intact, will you take Felice?”
He sighed. “A lifetime penance … But yes, if only to make the choice easier for you. And I even promise to be kind. I have some skill at pleasing women.”
“Renald …” But Claire had no idea what to say. She couldn’t release the protest that leaped to her lips. This was freedom, wasn’t it?
No.
“Which leads to another confession,” he said. “I did not give you honest love in the marriage bed.”
“I don’t understand …”
“I’m not sure you can. But I turned whore that night. I used God’s gift as a weapon against an opponent as helpless as a babe.”
Claire cocked her head. “Helpless, was I?”
He laughed at that, and she thought that perhaps it was true what the priests said—that confession brought healing. “No, as it turned out, you weren’t helpless at all. But my intent was wrong. Don’t be swayed in your decision by the pleasure I gave you. Another man will do just as well.”
“But you’re the only man I love.” She knew the words were unwise, but they were honest. She was so adrift, she had no idea what to be anymore but honest.
He touched her then, hands trembling, a light resting of his fingers on her cheeks as he kissed her brow.
“God be your guide, then.” He stepped away.
“I must ask one thing of you, though. If I marry Felice, I will care for all your family, but you must leave here. I’m not trying to make this hard for you, but I could never be fair to her with you in our home. ”
He entered the study, closing the door firmly between them.
Claire sagged against the post.
So it was settled. She could follow her conscience and perhaps not harm her family at all.
She should, perhaps, feel a little bit more at peace.