Chapter 18 Beyond My Grasp
Chapter Eighteen
Beyond My Grasp
HER LEGS WOULD not work properly.
Osana stumbled back into the Great Hall, leaving Aldfrith behind in his annex.
She barely paid notice to her surroundings.
After that kiss, her wits were still scattered.
She was still reeling, still trying to make sense of it.
She had not expected him to kiss her. And she certainly had not imagined Aldfrith could kiss like that.
She had never experienced an embrace of its like, had never lost herself in a kiss so completely. It had been a wrench to pull herself away, even if the knock on the door had made it necessary.
What would have happened if Cerdic hadn’t interrupted us?
Osana flushed hot at the thought.
She crossed the floor of the Great Hall, her legs like jelly, making her way over to where Lora stood kneading bread at a long table.
Lora’s brow furrowed when her gaze alighted upon Osana. “You’re flushed … are you unwell?”
Osana shook her head, flashing Lora a quick smile. “I’m fine. It’s just hot in here compared to outdoors. Do you need help with that?”
Lora gave her a searching look. The woman was sharper than most folk realized, and she had an uncanny ability to read your mood. Yet Lora held her tongue and nodded. “There’s dough in that bowl that needs working.”
Grateful to have a task to occupy her, Osana rolled up her sleeves and got to work. She sprinkled a dusting of coarse flour on the wooden work surface and poured out the bouncy lump of dough. Then she began to knead it.
A gust of chill air blew across the floor as the doors opened, and Osana glanced up to see the king enter.
The sight of him made her breathing catch. Just a short while earlier she had been perched upon his lap while he ravaged her mouth and ran those strong sensitive hands over her body, setting her on fire.
He looked stern now though; not even the ghost of the earlier passion that had smoldered in those dark blue eyes was visible.
Osana’s chest constricted. Once the kiss had ended, she had seen the change in him, the invisible door that had slammed shut between them. His gaze was shuttered now, riveted upon the heavy-set blond warrior who sat upon the high seat, a cup of ale in hand, waiting for him.
Aldfrith did not glance her way, even though she knew he would have seen her upon entering the hall.
He was determined not to make eye contact with her.
Osana dropped her own gaze to the dough she was pummeling, her vision blurring.
Stop it, she chided herself. Why would you weep over such a thing? Of course Aldfrith isn’t going to look at you. Not now.
And yet she could not hide from the disappointment that settled over her in a heavy blanket. The attraction between them had been there from the first, simmering during every meeting over the last two and a half years. It was only natural that spending time together alone would ignite it.
I think it’s best if we don’t have any more lessons.
Aldfrith realized his mistake in tutoring her.
She would not learn to read or to practice writing her name and other letters.
A vise gripped Osana’s chest at the thought, squeezing tight.
How she had loved that lesson: the smell of the ink, the scratch of the quill across the vellum, and the magic of seeing her name written there.
She thirsted to learn more and felt cheated that one lesson would be all she would receive.
Arrogant woman. Osana punched hard at the dough. Raedwulf always said it. No wonder I’ve never been happy … I’ve always wanted what’s beyond my grasp.
Aldfrith approached the high seat, deliberately keeping his gaze focused upon the blond man waiting for him there, and away from the dark-haired woman standing at one of the work tables.
Even so, it took a monumental effort to focus his thoughts and not allow memories of that passionate kiss to distract him.
Her soft lips. Her sweet taste.
Enough. Concentrate.
Seeing the mutinous look upon his cousin’s face, Aldfrith knew he had to keep his wits about him. Edwin of Gefrin was a sharp, blunt-tongued man who knew how to manipulate others.
He stepped up onto the high seat, and the ealdorman gracelessly heaved himself to his feet and bowed. The gesture was rushed, bordering on disrespectful. However, Aldfrith let it pass; he did not care much for formalities, although in Edwin the slight grated.
“Wes hāl, Edwin.” He nodded at the ealdorman and sank into his chair at the head of the table. “What brings you to Bebbanburg?”
A servant appeared at his elbow with a jug of mead and poured him a cup. Wordlessly, Edwin thrust out his own to be refilled before turning his gaze upon the king.
“Concerns, sire … grave ones.”
Aldfrith frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“Northumbria still has no army. Where is our fyrd?”
Aldfrith let out a long breath. He could not believe Edwin had again traveled all this way to berate him about his army.
It seemed the only thing his cousin thought about.
Every time they met, he repeated the same complaint.
“I don’t need to gather a fyrd, Edwin,” he replied, his voice flat. “Northumbria isn’t at war.”
“Aethelred of Mercia is strengthening his garrisons to the north of his kingdom,” Edwin growled.
“And?”
Edwin gave him a withering look. “He’s clearly planning something.”
Aldfrith clenched his jaw. He was not in the mood for this. “I’m on good terms with King Aethelred. There’s no trouble between our kingdoms.”
The ealdorman’s mouth drew up. “You can’t trust a Mercian. Thousands of our warriors have died upon their blades over the years.”
“As have thousands of theirs.”
Edwin scowled at him, his gaze narrowing. He was clearly unconvinced; this was an argument between them that would not easily be resolved. And yet Aldfrith sensed this complaint was merely a shield. The man’s resentment toward him hung over them like a fug of smoke.
It is not an army you want but the crown. If Aldfrith had not been alive to succeed Ecgfrith, Edwin would have taken the throne.
It must gall him terribly.
He was not without sympathy for Edwin or his frustrations. Edwin was an ambitious man who had been thwarted. Yet his cousin’s belligerence put Aldfrith on edge. The man seemed to think the king should follow his counsel unquestioningly. He did not like being obstructed.
I must be wary of him.
Lora knew Cerdic was headed her way. The determined set of his shoulders, and the way his gaze bored into her, made his destination clear.
Putting down the washing board and cake of lye she was using, Lora rose to her feet to greet him. He was a tall man, and she did not want him looming over her.
Cerdic was a distraction; he made her feel an odd restlessness. After losing Broga, she had felt sad and empty for a long while. Was she even ready to give her heart to another? She liked Cerdic, but she barely knew him. Perhaps it was better to keep him at arm’s length.
The grim look on his face now unsettled her.
Lora dried her hands on her apron as she watched him cover the last handful of yards to the well where she stood. A basket of her and Osana’s tunics sat at her feet. She was halfway through washing them.
“Good afternoon,” she greeted the warrior when he drew up before her.
“Wes hāl,” he rumbled, dipping his chin in greeting.
They stood on the edge of the yard, near where Lora had slipped in the snow. The snow had gone now, leaving mud in its wake. It was a sunny but chill afternoon. Lora could feel the kiss of the sun on her back. In another moon, its touch would have more heat.
“Why the serious expression?” she asked, injecting a light-hearted tone into her voice. “You look the bearer of ill tidings.”
He scowled. “Aye, I am.”
Lora stiffened. “What’s wrong?”
Cerdic cast a glance around them, to ensure they were not being overheard. “Aldfrith and your mistress grow close.”
Lora stared at him, confused. “Sorry?”
Cerdic huffed out a breath. “Earlier, when Edwin of Gefrin arrived, I went looking for the king in his annex. I found them there … together. I think I interrupted something.”
Lora cocked an eyebrow. “And how do you know that?”
“I may look a dolt,” he growled, folding his muscular arms over his chest, “but I know the look of a man and woman who’ve just leaped from each other’s arms.”
“Are you sure?”
“Aye. I’ve never seen such two guilty faces.”
Lora sighed, pushing a strand of hair that had escaped her braid out of her eyes.
This news concerned her, for Osana was putting both their futures at Bebbanburg at risk.
However, she would not share her fears with Cerdic.
Instead, she decided to take the opposite approach with him.
“Should either of us be worried? Aren’t they both free to do as they wish? ”
He favored her with an incredulous look that made Lora wilt slightly.
“I took you for a clever woman,” he growled.
“Surely you realize that a widow like Osana can’t consort with the king without ruining herself.
Likewise, he has a responsibility to take a highborn wife to strengthen this kingdom’s position in Britannia. ”
Anger spiked within Lora. It annoyed her that Cerdic thought her a goose, and she wished she had spoken her mind to him rather than trying to diminish the situation.
However, she was stubborn and would not back down now.
“Surely Lord Aldfrith can consort with whomever he wishes?” she replied tartly.
“He is king after all. Likewise, Osana knows what she’s doing. We shouldn’t meddle.”
His gaze bored into her with such intensity that Lora felt her breathing quicken. This man’s nearness distracted her. “Speak to her, Lora.” The sound of her name on his lips made her pulse quicken. “Warn her of the situation she risks putting herself in.”
Lora held his gaze before wetting her lips nervously. She instantly regretted the act when she saw his eyes drop to her mouth. “What situation is that?”
“Aldfrith can’t take her as his consort openly.
If she lies with him, she will always live in the shadows.
Folk will treat her as his hōre.” Lora flinched at the baldness of his words, but Cerdic had not yet finished.
“And you too will be tainted by association.” They stared at each other for a long moment before Cerdic’s mouth softened.
For an instant, the severity of his face eased, and Lora caught a glimpse of the man beneath. “I would spare you that.”
“Cerdic came to speak to me today.”
Lora’s words, quietly spoken, made Osana glance up from where she was unlacing the front of her woolen dress.
They stood inside their alcove, readying themselves to retire to their furs for the night.
Osana was in a tense, distracted mood, and was glad to be able to hide from the rest of the hall, to be able to crawl into her furs and be alone with her thoughts.
“Did he?” Osana replied with a smile. “It seems that warrior has his eye on you.”
Lora huffed. “He spoke to me of you … and Aldfrith,” she replied, ignoring Osana’s comment. “He’s concerned.”
Osana stiffened. Of course—Cerdic had known exactly what he had stumbled upon earlier that day. “I hope he hasn’t gone around the hall sharing his concerns,” she said tightly. “I didn’t take him for a man with a loose tongue.”
Lora shook her head. “No … I think he has only spoken to me.” Her blue eyes were pleading as they met Osana’s. “He believes you are putting your life here at risk … and I agree with him.”
The words fell like heavy axe blows between them.
Osana went still. Her first reaction was anger.
She hated the thought of Lora and Cerdic discussing her.
A moment later panic swelled within her breast. Life here would become unbearable if rumors started circulating about her.
It would be easier for Aldfrith; he was a man and could take lovers without ruining his reputation.
She, on the other hand, had a tenuous position in the Great Tower at best.
“We only kissed,” she said after a long pause, her voice barely above a whisper. “Neither of us planned for it to happen.”
The look of sympathy on Lora’s face made her want to weep. “It cannot go any further than that,” Lora replied softly, coming forward and placing a comforting hand on Osana’s arm. “Or you put both of us at risk.”
Osana’s mouth twisted. “You don’t fancy living with my shrewish aunt in Jedworth then?”
Lora shook her head. “Not particularly.”
Osana sighed heavily and sat down upon the furs.
The strength had gone out of her suddenly; she felt weary beyond her years.
“You don’t need to worry, Lora,” she said, trying and failing to keep the bitterness out of her voice.
“Aldfrith realized he’d made a mistake the moment the kiss ended.
We won’t be spending any more time alone together. ”
Lora nodded, and Osana saw the relief in her friend’s eyes. Self-recrimination stabbed at her. Upon coming here to live, she had only focused on herself. She had not stopped to consider what Lora wanted.
That would have to change.