Chapter 20
chapter twenty
My eyebrow was still throbbing, despite having an entire night for it to calm down.
Tobi had a mean punch on him. I grabbed my phone, sighing as I opened up my messages to see what Jack had sent me.
Deep down, I think I already knew. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to believe it.
Not after all this time. Not after all this work.
Jackson
This isn’t working between us. We should stop seeing each other.
I stared at the screen, but not really. My eyes unfocused, every word becoming nothing but a blurry mess.
Is this bc of what happened with Tobi?
Jackson
The why doesn’t matter… I told you from the jump I wasn’t interested in dating.
But you wanted more
Jackson
Not anymore. Goodbye, Forrest.
I didn’t want to type it. I really didn’t. I’d fought so hard, and done so much to get to where we finally were. I guess I had to figure out how to cut my losses at some point. Even if it meant letting him go.
Goodbye Jackson
I didn’t want to let him go.
I won’t forget you
I didn’t know why I needed him to know that. It just would’ve been impossible to.
When my phone screen faded to black without another message, I looked up at the wall in front of me. My bedroom didn’t feel safe anymore. It had so many memories. Memories of Jack that I didn’t want to let go of but were tearing my heart in two with each second that passed.
A painful prick of tears began at the corner of my eyes, followed by a wave over my vision. Kind of like going under the water in a swimming pool. Was this what Jack used to see when he was younger?
Jesus, I was pathetic. Chasing after him like I had when I knew there was no chance in hell.
I’d really thought he was serious. I thought I’d gotten through to him.
I thought he’d chosen me over whatever was holding him back—but maybe nothing was holding him back.
Maybe he wasn’t scared. Maybe he didn’t like me as much as I liked him.
I really fucking liked him.
I let my eyes fall shut, a few tears escaping them as they crawled down my cheeks. My eyelashes stuck together, making it hard to even open them.
My first real heartbreak. I was supposed to have one when I was a teenager, just starting to figure myself out.
I thought I’d understood after breaking up with a partner when I was twenty-four.
They were my entire heart and soul, despite only dating for a year.
I thought we were so deeply in love that we’d be together forever.
They’d gone and fallen in love with someone else, utterly shattering my heart and everything I thought I’d planned out for the future.
I wish Jack had fallen in love with someone else.
That might’ve been easier because then there was someone I could compare myself to.
If the other person had been smarter or more determined, or an overall better fit—hell, if he’d found someone his age that he wanted to be with, I would’ve understood. It wouldn’t have hurt as badly.
My first real heartbreak. I thought he was the one. I thought we were going to be forever. I thought… I thought… I’d deluded myself into thinking there was something there wasn’t. Jack had told me that from the beginning, and I was the one who’d chosen to ignore it.
Fuck. I needed to get to the store. I didn’t have time to wallow over him. No matter how desperately I wanted him. No matter how fucking broken I felt. No matter how much I wanted to crawl under my blankets and pretend like nothing else existed but the pain in my heart.
Hopeless goddamn romantic. Riv had been right all along.
My nose didn’t look too awful, though I fully expected it to start bruising within the next day or so.
My eyebrow, on the other hand, needed major TLC.
I tried to gently use a Q-Tip and saline solution to wipe away the blood that’d dried around the piercing balls.
It was almost no use with how swollen and angry it was.
I’d just have to leave it alone and hope it healed itself.
There was already a bruise forming underneath it and along my upper eyelid, giving me a perfectly gross-looking black eye effect.
Some glass had scraped my arm, too. They only looked like scratches, thankfully. No glass had stuck into my skin, really. I was sure it was a big mess for Jack to clean up after, though.
That didn’t matter. I’d lost Jack in the glass that’d shattered, and it looked like Jack had almost lost Tobi in it, too. I hoped Tobi was okay. Maybe I should ask.
No. No, I definitely shouldn’t ask.
I made myself finish getting ready, donning a big hoodie since it was pouring rain outside.
Rain season had officially started in Crescent Planes, and now it would continue until it felt like it’d never stop.
I always got so sick of the rain. I preferred it when the sun was shining, and the grass was swaying in the slight breeze that made the heat bearable enough.
Pride and Pages was dead. Not a damn soul alive except Andros. Great. Today was going to be great.
I walked through the door with a forced smile. Andros looked up from his phone, immediately honing in on my face. “Whoa. Who’d you piss off?”
Sighing, I walked to the counter, leaning against it. “I actually didn’t piss anyone off. I don’t think, anyway. He was just a bit scared.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Scared did all that? Damn, boss man. Don’t tell me it was cute, older guy.”
“No. Jack didn’t do this.”
“But?”
“But what?”
He put his hands on his hips, tilting his head. “You look like a kicked puppy whose heart got broken. Something happened.”
Andros was incredibly observant. That was great when it came to his job. But not as great when he looked at me a little too closely and saw all the shit I wasn’t saying. Little fucker. “Jack and I aren’t a thing anymore.” I shrugged. “No big deal.”
His perfectly curled lashes fluttered as he simply blinked at me. “No big deal? Uh, that’s a huge deal. You’ve been chasing him for, like, forever. What the hell happened?”
“You’d have to ask him. He was the messenger; I was the receiver.”
“Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, boss. You don’t think you still have a chance if you went for him?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“That’s so unfair. I was rooting for you.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “If I recall, you were the one who was doubting me at first.”
“Yeah, ‘cause I know you. I didn’t want something like this to happen. I thought he really liked you since you guys kept seeing each other.”
“I thought he really liked me, too. Guess we were both wrong.”
Andros sighed and sat in the chair behind him. “I really am sorry. If there’s anything you need, I got you. You sure you wanna work today?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I’m not that hopeless. I’ll work in the back. Let me know if things get too packed up here.”
“You got it.”
Drowning myself in organizing books sounded like the worst and best idea ever. I didn’t even know where my glasses were, so I was bound to give myself a headache by the time I was done with the first box. I wasn’t about to ask Andros where they were, though.
Drown myself, I did. At least, until I opened up a box and saw Double Coverage sitting in it. Yep. That did it. My eyes went all blurry again, which was not something that needed to happen right now. No, I needed to get my shit together.
But how could I when it felt like my heart was breaking right down the center?
I needed to power through. That’s all. I needed time, and I needed to power through and pretend like everything was fine because it was. It was fine. Nothing was wrong. Everything was fucking fine. I had to convince myself that.
Everything was not fine. I was barely hanging on. My chest felt heavy. I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong in the spaces that I’d built.
It reminded me of my childhood in the worst way possible.
I was into nerdy stuff, but I wasn’t nerdy enough for the nerd crowd.
I played chess, but I wasn’t good enough at it to be part of the chess crowd.
I tried seeking out other second or third-generation kids, but more often than not, they’d make fun of me like all the other kids.
They’d call me a “pocho” or cling onto some reason to keep ragging on me publicly.
Others wouldn’t have the same interests or personalities, so we’d always clash, and any friendship I’d try to start would sizzle and burn before it began.
I didn’t fit in. I learned how to be by myself, and being by myself absolutely sucked when I was the most extroverted person I knew. I had River, Mamá, and…no one else. No one else was willing to choose me. Everyone was always so damn mean and avoidant of me.
I’d made a promise to myself in middle school to be the nicest, most outgoing version of myself I could be. I didn’t want anyone to ever feel how I constantly felt. I let myself be happy, and I talked to everyone as if they were my best friend.
Once I’d gone into high school, I thought it’d make things different. The only thing that’d changed was that people were fueled by hormones and very much wanted to sleep with me but never wanted a relationship. Or friendship. Or anything but a one-night stand.
Jack didn’t choose me. Just like everyone else used to do.
It hurt. It fucking hurt, and it hurt even worse because I didn’t choose him either; he was shown to me by the forces that be. He came into my life, and something told my heart that he was it, and I believed it.
Pride and Pages closed in an hour. I needed to get out. I was a fucking mess. I quickly walked to the front desk, stopping in front of Andros. “I need to go to the gym. You good?”
He could tell I was losing my grip. I could see it in his eyes. “Yeah, boss. I got you. Take care of yourself, and I’ll hold it down here.”
Thank God. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to hold myself together, but at least I could count on him to keep the store from falling apart.