17. Chapter 17
17
I fucked up big time. Needing to get away from this moment, I turn and walk down the hallway towards my room.
“Libs,” Colt calls after me, but I don’t acknowledge him. I need to create space to regain clarity.
As soon as I get into my room, I shut the door and sit on the floor, pulling my knees into my chest. In for four, out for four. What the hell was I thinking? I should have known better than to let Colt show up here, especially knowing we would be alone. I’m barely getting by each day, making sure my anxiety doesn't get the best of me. I had a panic attack the day Blake went to get my things from Jett’s, but I didn’t tell her. She would have called Tyson again, and the guys would have showed up again, and I'd be humiliated again .
I’ve had fun texting with Colt. It’s definitely given me a sense of lightheartedness, but I need to get my life back on track before I let myself divulge in any pleasures. It's only been two weeks since my last relationship ended. What kind of slut would I be for hooking up with someone else so soon? At one point, the idea of Colt as a rebound sounded like the cure I needed. But now that it's here, looking me in the face, it's evident that I'm not the rebound type.
There’s a thump on the other side of the wall and my anxiety spikes before I hear his words. “I’m sorry.” I remain silent. He has nothing to be sorry for. “I shouldn’t have let things go that far. I didn’t mean to scare you, Libs.” His voice is low and slow. “But I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here if you need me, or until you tell me to leave.”
Sigh. I’m not being fair. He’s been nothing but supportive, and I’m shutting him out. It’s not exactly him that has me pushing away, though. It’s being vulnerable. Kissing someone is such an intimate thing already. And that felt like much more than a kiss. What exactly, I’m not sure. And that terrifies me. But none of it is Colt's fault. This is all on me and the disaster that I am. I find the courage to stand up and open the door, where I find him sitting right outside my room. His whiskey eyes are heavy, pained.
“You don’t scare me,” I say.
A ghost of a smile appears on his face. “Good.”
“I don’t know how to handle… this.” I motion between us. Colt sits and listens, not looking the least bit irritated while I figure out my words. “You make me feel… a lot. And I don’t know what to do with that. It overwhelms me, and I don’t do well with being overwhelmed.” It’s the most honest I’ve ever been with anyone. And the words are pouring out without a second thought. There’s a risk opening up, but I want him to know that me shutting him out wasn’t his doing.
“Will you sit with me?” Colt looks up at me with puppy dog eyes.
“How about I sit across from you? Make sure we each keep our distance.” I walk to the opposite wall, sliding down.
“Deal,” he gives a lazy smile. “Tell me, what are you most scared of?”
“Starting heavy, huh?” I cock an eyebrow, trying to fight the panic creeping up my throat.
“I want to get to know you.” He pauses. “All of you. If you’ll let me.”
“I’m a slow burn,” I warn.
“And I, Colt Gibson, am nothing if not a patient man.” I can’t help but smile. He has a confidence about him, about us, that is infectious. “Tell me what you’re afraid of, Libs.”
“Losing control.” He keeps his eyes on me and nods, as if he understands. And that has me wanting to keep talking.
“If I don’t have control, it makes it easier for things to go wrong. To go bad.” Once again, the word vomit starts. “My childhood was like walking on a tightrope over a volcano. If I fell off, the lava would burn me alive. But it wasn’t just the tightrope that I had to worry about, because at any given moment, the volcano could erupt on its own, no matter what I did.” I lean my head against the wall as I recall all the old feelings. Only they’re not that old. They’ve crept back into my life slowly but surely over the last five years.
“Who was the volcano?” I drop my eyes to Colt. How does he know?
As if seeing the question on my face, he clarifies, “Nobody willingly tightropes over a volcano, and if they do, they leave when they’re done. You never left, which means you never had a choice. So, who in your life was your volcano?”
This is definitely a risky move. If I let him in, there’s no going back. It’s ammo he could use against me if he wants. But against all my anxieties, my gut tells me it will be okay. In for four, out for four . “My father.”
There’s a pause as he absorbs what I said. “Was he always a bad guy?”
“Yes and no,” I say before clearing my throat. “He raped my mom shortly after they started dating and wanted her to get an abortion when he found out about me. She obviously didn’t, but they still stayed together until I was seventeen. He beat her the whole time.” Colt keeps his focus on me, never interjecting or giving a glimpse of what he’s thinking. “He liked to yell. A lot. And once I was old enough, he pushed me around too. But he wasn’t always so angry. He could also be really fun. There just wasn’t any knowing when he was going to lose it over something… or nothing,” I shrug.
“Don’t do that,” Colt pleads.
“Do what?”
“Shrug like that. Don’t invalidate yourself. What you went through as a kid wasn’t something you could help, and it sure as hell wasn’t your fault. It makes sense that you came out with some trauma. I hate it for you, but all the demons you carry and the struggles you have, they’re valid.” I look away, not being able to handle the certainty of his words. But there’s a pull that has me bringing my eyes back to his. They’re still fixed on me, unwavering. Gaining courage, I turn the tables on him.
“And what’s your biggest fear, Gibson?”
His jaw clenches, like he’s struggling with the thought. “Losing control.”
“You cannot use my answer,” I say incredulously.
“It’s the truth, just not in the same way you fear it.”
“Explain.” I pin him with a glare. If this is a joke to him, then I've misgauged the entire thing.
“You fear losing control because bad things can happen.” The look on his face shifts and shadows start forming. “I fear losing control because I can become the bad thing that happens.”
The whole room starts to spin. How did I not sense that Colt was a bad guy? I should have. He even told me he likes to live dangerously. But I was too wrapped up in all the good he shoved my way, distracted me with. I’ve been a fool and now I let yet another man into my head, only to have him become a liability to the comfort I’m trying to hold on to.
“Libby, look at me.” But I only scoff. He can’t be serious. I just told him one of my deepest fears, the reason it’s there, and he admitted he’s exactly that. “Libs, please. I can see you spiraling, but I need you to understand what I’m saying.”
Remembering the space he gave me to say my peace without judgment, I reluctantly set my gaze back on him.
“I’m not a monster. I mean, I can be, but not how you think.” He takes a deep breath in and his chest slowly lowers as he lets it out. “My little sister saw this guy when she was sixteen. A guy she shouldn’t have been seeing, and she knew it. She hid it from everyone, including me. We were really close, told each other everything, but she went behind my back and dated some thirty-five-year-old man.” His face hardens. “They shouldn’t have been together in the first place, but he had this hold on her. It completely stripped her of who she was. She lost her spunk, her love for life. I noticed something had changed in her, and asked her about it, but she lied to me. Told me her classes were too hard, and that she was going through drama with her friends.
“It wasn’t until she came home crying one night that I realized she had been lying. It was four in the morning and she was supposed to have been at her friend's house. She had her phone, so if she wanted to come home, she could have called me for a ride. But she didn’t. I knew there was something else going on and begged her to tell me what it was, but she wouldn’t talk to me. She just kept crying and shaking. She wouldn’t even look at me.”
My heart sinks as I recognize the similarity.
“I felt awful. I didn’t know what was going on or how to help Savannah. So I went through her phone to see if I could find anything, but the only thing I found were texts and calls from Michael. I didn’t know anyone named Michael, and she had never mentioned him. I kept scrolling through and saw that the friend she was supposed to have been staying the night with hadn’t texted in the last two months. She was a teenage girl. They don’t just not text their friends.”
Colt’s arms are resting on his knees, but his knuckles are white, clearly struggling with the memories, but he keeps going.
“I called Michael from her phone, hoping to get some answers. But when he picked up, he didn’t even say hello. He went right into spewing all these vile, disgusting things at what he assumed was my sister.” His eyes are still on me, but they’re empty for the first time. “I just hung up the phone. I was confused. All I could think to do was put Savannah to bed and stay with her until she was calm. When she finally was, she told me everything. How the guy was thirty-five, they’d been dating for three months, they’d gotten into a fight and he had said some pretty shitty things to her. But she made me promise not to tell our parents, and that she was going to handle it. I didn’t want her to not come to me in the future, so I agreed.
“A week later, she came home from school with a black eye. She didn’t want to tell me, but I threatened to tell our parents if she didn’t tell me what the hell happened. When she did, I fucking lost it. That grown ass man had punched my sister in her face for trying to break it off with him. He picked her up from school to ‘work things out’, but when she didn’t want to, he punished her. Nothing from that point forward mattered to me. My whole mind went blank and all I saw was red. I don’t even remember how I found out where he lived, but I showed up at his house. When he answered the door, I snapped.”
Colt’s eyes come back into focus. He knows what he’s about to tell me could change things.
“I beat the shit out of him, Libs. Within an inch of his life. I didn’t stop until his roommates were pulling me off of him. I’d never laid my hands on anyone. I prided myself on being this cool, calm, collected guy. But in an instant, I lost sight of who I was and didn’t even care.”
Colt stops talking, but I wait; there’s more to the story, he just needs time.
“He didn’t press charges. He probably figured if he did, the cops would know he had been with a minor, and that wouldn’t do him any good. I didn’t tell anyone what happened, though. Not my parents, the cops, or Savannah. For all she knew, the fucker just stopped talking to her. She was upset for a while, which pissed me off, but eventually, life went back to normal. There are still times that I get so mad I start to see red again.”
Shadows fading, his face softens.
“I keep a tight leash on my anger. I haven’t let it slip since that day, but there are things that push me beyond my limit, test my control. It scares the shit out of me that I could lose it again. Because I’m older now, stronger, and I don’t know that it could be stopped before it’s too late.” Pain is written all over his face and I just want to make it better for him. I never would have known he carried around such heavy stuff.
I get up on my knees and crawl over to him, swinging a leg over to straddle his lap. It's a dangerous position to be in, but my body calls to him, and I'm tired of fighting it. I grab his face so we are looking directly at each other, and his hands slide onto the tops of my thighs. Anyone seeing us like this would think it’s sexual, but there’s nothing sexual about this moment. Just pure intimacy.
Making sure our eyes are locked, I speak clearly, needing him to feel exactly what I’m saying. “You are a good man, Colt.”
His face turns rosy under his sun kissed skin and I want to kiss it away. “That’s the first time you’ve called me by my name to my face.” His head tilts to the side. “I think I'm addicted.” I can’t help but smile. Even after such a serious conversation, Colt has the ability to keep things light and happy.