Chapter 31 #2
“When is the baby due?” her mother asked. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap.
“In March. March twenty-first.”
“Well. That’s accurate.”
Krissa shrugged. The microwave dinged and she reached in for the steaming mugs, dropped a teabag into each. “I know the exact day I got pregnant.”
“Oh.”
“I know you don’t approve.” Krissa carried the mugs over to the couch and set them on the small table in front. “I’m sorry, Mom.” Damn it, the apology had just slipped out. “But what happened, happened.”
“You shocked us last night.”
“I know.” She fought back the smile that tugged her lips.
Her mother’s own mouth twitched—shockingly. “You enjoyed, that didn’t you?”
Krissa stared. “Um…yes.”
Mom shook her head. “I think there’s a lot more to the story than you told us.”
“Well…yeah.”
“I don’t know if I want to hear it.”
“I don’t know if I want to tell you.” They looked at each other for a stretched out moment.
“That’s fine,” Mom said finally. “We love you, Krissa. I don’t know what happened between you and Derek and Nate. I really don’t know if…” She drew in a breath. “If I can ever…understand. I only…I wish…” She sputtered to stop. She took a quick sip of her tea.
“What, Mom?”
“I’m afraid you’ve been very hurt by all this.” Mom’s voice was almost a whisper. “Your husband cheated on you…that’s enough to destroy any woman. But…did Derek cheat on you because of…Nate?”
Krissa breathed in. And out. Once again, it all came back to what she’d done. “No. He’d been cheating on me for a long time.”
“Oh.”
Krissa rubbed her mouth. “I don’t want to bad-mouth Derek to you. I know you like him. I loved him, too. I think he feels awful about what he’s done.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you and Derek wanted a baby?”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me that! Every time I see you, you tell me not to have children!”
Mom looked down. “I want the best for you, Krissa. I want you to have whatever it is you want.” She looked up. “I thought you wanted a career. And it was taking you long enough to get going.”
“Mom!”
“I’m just saying. Jumping from job to job. How would you expect to get promoted and rise up through a company when you only stay there for a year? Your father worked his whole life at the bank.”
“It doesn’t work that way anymore. Nobody works their whole life for one company.”
“Apparently. Anyway—I saw you doing that, and I was afraid…I thought having a baby would just interfere with your career even more. We were happy you started your own business, thinking maybe you’d finally found what you wanted to do.”
“I think I have.”
“But having a baby…just when you’re trying to start a business…”
For once, Krissa thought she understood where her mother was coming from. “I want both.” She met her mom’s eyes. “That’s what I want.”
“Then you should have both.” Mom sounded a little choked. “And we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”
“Thank you.”
They both looked into their mugs and sniffled.
“I’m sorry I gave you the impression I’m not happy with my life.
” Mom touched a finger to the outside corner of one eye and blinked.
“Because the truth is, I love my life. I’ve been so very lucky to have your father and you girls.
You were my life. Still are, even though you’re all grown and gone.
It’s true, sometimes I think about what could have been… the career I could have had.”
“You still could have had it, Mom.”
“Yes.” She smiled faintly. “You are absolutely right. If I’d truly wanted it that much I would have had it. The truth is…” She swallowed. “I was afraid of trying. Afraid I didn’t have what it took to make it in the business world. Afraid I wouldn’t be the success I’d envisioned for myself.”
“And then you saw me…not being a success.”
They looked at each other. Krissa knew that’s what her mother had been thinking, even though she wasn’t agreeing with her. “I’m sorry, Krissa. I’m so sorry.” She turned the mug in her hands.
Silence settled between them.
“You know that saying?” Mom lifted her head. “About the grass always being greener?”
“I know.” Krissa shook her head. “Everyone wants what they don’t have. Sometimes I wonder if I really wanted a baby that much, or I just wanted it because I couldn’t have it.”
“You can be a little stubborn like that.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I understand, Krissa. Because I’m like that too.
I thought I wanted a career. I saw women I’d gone to school with moving into senior positions…
I wanted what they had. But I truly loved you and your sisters, and wanted to be the best mother I could be.
” Her mom’s gaze softened. “You wanted a baby that much? That you would…”
“It’s complicated.” She looked down at her mug of tea.
“You seem so sad, Krissa. I know you want this baby…are you sure there’s no hope for you and Derek? If you love him…”
“I…I’m so confused about my feelings right now. I think Derek and I need to be apart. I need to figure out how I feel, and who I am. I’m just learning things about myself…”
“Maybe someday…”
“I don’t think so.” Krissa smiled at her mom. “I don’t want to give you false hope. I’m confused about things, but our marriage is over. I just need time. Time to be on my own, figure things out.”
“What about Nate?”
Krissa squirmed under her mother’s inquiring glance. “Same thing goes. I need to figure out how I feel. But I will tell him about the baby. He has to know.”
“All right.” Her mother nodded. “So. You’ll need things for the baby.”