Chapter 4
4
T his was a stupid idea, but Chris hadn’t slept, he was hurting, and he didn’t want to be alone.
He didn’t want to have Neil crawling up his ass even more than that.
Still, he should have just… Just what? Sat in that fancy-assed expensive hotel room another night? At least this way, he could hunt for a cheaper room on his phone.
The ride had been quick, not enough to fall asleep on, just doze off, and now he was at the right address, so he buzzed to be let in.
The security guard asked his name and nodded, pointing him toward the elevator bank. “Thirty-fourth floor. Have a nice evening.”
The elevators were express, and he found the one that said 30-50, and got off on thirty-four.
This was a nice building, but it didn’t feel froufy or chichi. He could see Doc Leo here.
A door opened just down the hall, and someone stepped out. It was a little shadowy, but the frame was large enough that it could only be Leo.
“Down here.” That voice was every bit as smooth and rich, calling to him as it had been when they were talking quietly over kittens.
“Evening.” When he got to the end of the hall, Chris handed over a six-pack of beer. “Thanks for the invite.”
“Oh. Good call. Thank you. Come on in. Pardon the clutter.” Leo held the door and rested a hand on his back as he walked by.
Oh, this was a great place. The sheer amount of things to look at made him relax, the visual one of home and hearth. He wasn’t chic. Not a single ounce of him, so this felt like a solid place.
“Let’s put your bag in your room.” Leo led him down a narrow hallway. Or maybe it was only narrow because Leo basically took up the entire width. “It’s sparse in here, but the bed is comfy. And you can do whatever you want with it if you rent.”
Oh, he didn’t know if that was a thing. That seemed… risky. “Thanks for letting me spend the night.”
“Of course. Those hotels are insanely expensive. And I think we got along okay.”
“I’ll be on my best behavior.” Such as that was…
Leo laughed and winked at him. “Oh, for whatever that’s worth.”
“Yeah. It’ll make tonight quiet. I’m glad you liked your pants.” He had his in the suitcase. Sexy shit, those fuzzy pants.
“I figured I’d change after we eat so I don’t spill pizza on them. I tried them on, though. They fit great. Thank you so much.” Leo led him back out to the kitchen.
“I wasn’t sure where to order the pizza from, so I brought cash.” He figured it was the easiest thing.
“Cash? Do people still use cash?” Leo’s head tilted. “You look exhausted. Did you sleep like I told you to?”
“Do I? It’s been a long ten days.” He didn’t answer the question, because he didn’t have one that wasn’t going to piss Doc Leo off.
“I’m sure it has.” Leo reached out and ran a hand through his hair. “Why aren’t you sleeping, boy?”
God, please don’t be nice to me. That touch was a temptation to lean in, and he couldn’t give into that. “Just a stressful few. No worries.”
“The funny thing about worry is you can tell someone they shouldn’t, but you can’t enforce it.” Leo walked past him and picked up his phone. “What do you like on your pizza?”
“Yes. I am a pizza fan.” He could eat everything from cheese to loaded to fucking weird.
“Mhm. Pepperoni, sausage, and meatball?” Leo was tapping on his phone.
“Meat lovers ahoy!” He was in. All the way.
Leo grinned. “Great. I’ll order that and a salad, and we should be good.” Leo tapped the phone once more and put it in his pocket.
He grabbed his wallet and handed over two twenties. “For supper.”
Leo shook his head. “You brought the beer.”
“Are you sure? I sort of invited you to pizza together.” And he wasn’t a mooch.
“The pants were enough. It was such a nice surprise to hear from you. I was really happy when you said you wanted to come over.”
He had wanted to. Weird. “It was… good to be asked. Thank you.”
What was wrong with him? Oh right. Best behavior.
“Have you heard from your friend? How is she holding up?”
“She’s taking leave for two weeks and is heading to Mexico with her boyfriend. She needed a break.” And she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a K9 officer for a while.
“Good for her. That’s a good call. I’m glad she wasn’t hurt too.”
He nodded, because that would have sucked. He didn’t want to lose anyone.
At all.
That wasn’t the job he was in, though, was it? He wasn’t safe. He didn’t do safe things.
“My vet assistant was very impressed that we’d taken care of the kittens this morning. The shelter came and took them this afternoon. They promised me pictures.”
“Oh.” Bummer. He’d wanted to see them again. “I hope they get adopted. I’m going to find an apartment where I can get a pet. I think I’ll be happier.”
“Dogs and cats are allowed here. We actually have a groomer in the building. One of the storefronts.”
“No shit? Do you have any critters here?” Oh, maybe Leo was just overwhelmed with animals at work.
“No. I wish.” Leo shrugged. “Well, I have beta fish in the bedroom, but I have my hands full with pets all day, and I like to go to the bar sometimes after work. It’s not really fair when I’m not home much.”
“That’s reasonable.” He thought a cat wouldn’t care so much. He already dogged all day long.
“Where are you from? Not here originally, I assume.” Leo led the way to the couch and sat, taking up a lot of it himself.
“Southern Colorado, near Silverton and Durango.” Up in the Rockies in the snow.
“Oh, nice. I’ve always wanted to go to Colorado. I’ve never had a reason.”
“It’s beautiful. Crisp. Clear. Wild. I loved it there.” But he was here now.
“So what brought you here, then? Why leave all of that for this kind of wild?”
His cheeks burned, and he shrugged, feeling stupid as hell. “Why else? A man.”
“Oh.” Leo looked uncomfortable for a second. “I’m sorry, I thought I was making small talk. I wasn’t trying to pry.”
“It’s okay. It didn’t work out. That’s the other part of that type of story.” Zack had wanted him to be someone he wasn’t, had needed him to be someone he wasn’t, so he’d ended up—not on the street. Zack wasn’t an asshole and had offered to let him stay, but how could he when there was already another guy in the wings? In that shitty apartment.
“I’m sorry. His loss will be someone else’s gain.” Leo got up and ducked around the corner into the kitchen. “Beer?”
“Sure. Thanks.” One beer, a couple of pieces of pizza, and a night in the guest room. Then he’d go back to hunting.
“I put the rest of the six-pack you brought in the fridge.” Leo handed him a beer and sat down again. “Do you spend any time at Les’s Bar? I haven’t seen you there, but it seems like everyone in the scene goes there once in a while.”
“I’ve heard about it. Maybe gone once? It’s kind of a blur. I know that Neil is good friends with lots of guys that go there, but he’s had to become an early-to-bed type because of the café. They are out and about at four a.m.” Zack had been a ‘your body is a temple’ type, so the chances of him being in a bar? Slim.
“We should meet there sometime. It seems like you need to get out more, and it’s a great place.” Leo sipped his beer, swallowing down about a third of the bottle in one swig.
“Sure. I get off work in time to head that direction.” Why not? Leo was kind. “Are you an early bird or a night owl?”
“I like both, so it depends. I’m up in the morning for work, but on the weekends, I like to stay up and sleep in.”
“That’s cool.” He was basically a night owl forced to wake up by work. Dogs tended to be early risers.
Why wasn’t he a cat trainer?
“You seem to be burning the candle at both ends, hm?” Leo looked at him meaningfully.
“That’s my job.” How else was he supposed to keep himself busy? No one understood.
“I doubt your job needs you early and late, boy. You might be working, but that isn’t your job.”
He wasn’t anyone’s boy. That wasn’t a thing for him. He didn’t want to get snippy. He was tired, and he needed a friend. Not a Top.
He took a long swig of his beer, gulping it to keep his mouth shut.
Leo laid a hand on his leg. “You’ll get some sleep tonight.”
“I hope so.” And if not, he had his phone and his tablet. He could stare at reruns for hours.
A buzzer went off, and Leo hopped up, heading for the door. “Pizza!”
Lord have mercy, that man could move for being so big.
“Come on in the kitchen. This looks great.” He could hear Leo getting out plates. “Colorado might be pretty, but New York has the best pizza.”
“New York has an amazing pizza, but Mile High pizza is something special on its own.”
“Mile High, hm?” Leo waggled his salt-and-pepper eyebrows and grinned at him.
He chuckled and winked over. “Uh-huh. Meaty, sweet, lots of stickiness.”
Leo’s laugh was low as he handed Chris a plate. “Mmm. Sticky.”
“You know it.” No flirting. No flirty-flirt. None. Zip. Zero.
“Table or couch?” Leo put together a plate for himself with two big slices on it.
“It’s your house, your choice.” He didn’t even own a table. However, he did know how to sit at one like a human being.
“Table, then. I’m a big guy, it’s easier to eat there.” Leo pointed to a modern-style table with just two wide chairs at it.
“Cool.” He didn’t care. He waited for Leo to sit so he knew which chair to take.
Leo picked up a slice of pizza. “Grab our beers, boy.”
“Did someone tell you I was a submissive?” Maybe that was a good hint. He wasn’t sure he qualified as a sub.
Leo raised an eyebrow. “Actually, yes. But you did too. When you were shouting at Neil on the phone. I assumed that was Neil, anyway. Are you not?”
“It’s complicated.” He handed over Leo’s beer. When had he gone to fetch it? Fuck. “Very.”
“Explain it to me.” Leo was grinning as he touched the bottle to his lips.
Shit, he was still trying to explain it to himself. “No one wants to hear about my personal shit.”
“No one?” Leo looked around, then back at him with a confused expression. “Didn’t I just ask you?”
He arched one eyebrow. “That was the ‘don’t ask’ hint. They do have those up here, right?”
“Oops?” Leo didn’t look at all contrite.
“It’s cool, and I appreciate it, but I have to figure out where my head is. I’m afraid I started to mold in that apartment…” Surely this was the right vein—easy, teasing, warm.
“Water damage will do that, so I’m glad you got out of there.” Leo picked up his second slice of pizza after finishing the first in three, maybe four bites.
He dug into his slice, humming at the spicy cheesy meaty goodness. Fuck, this was better than sex.
“What’s your plan, then?”
That surprised him enough that he was honest. “So far, watching a lot of Top Chef in the middle of the night and playing solitaire for eight hours an evening.”
“I see.” Leo was pushing a little but still staying in the teasing and warm range. “And how is that helping you figure out ‘where your head is at’?”
“Well, I’ve discovered that I don’t want to eat sea urchin, I might be interested in tapas, and fine-dining guys are snooty.”
“Oh, very good. These are all excellent steps toward not understanding yourself one damn bit better than you did yesterday.”
“Right? Go team me! Maybe Project Runway and virtual cribbage will do a better job.”
“Worth a shot.” Leo pinned him with a meaningful stare, that smooth voice both suggestive and reassuring. “But if you happen to decide you’d like to test out incentives like spankings and lollipops, I’m your man.”
Lollipops?
“I’m not sure that’s fair to you. I’m not even sure I have submission to offer.” He had to be honest and fair.
“You’ve been very clear about that. And I wasn’t suggesting any kind of agreement, formal or otherwise. Just offering to help, if you need it. I feel like we’re friends now at the very least, and that’s what friends do.” Leo was so relaxed and easy in the way he talked, the way he sat; everything about him was surrounded by quiet confidence.
Jesus, Chris. Way to make shit all about you and be needy. Watch your fucking mouth. “I appreciate the offer. You rock.” He made sure to keep any trace of sarcasm out of his voice. “So do you have a favorite type of animal to see?”
“Well, I love a variety in my day. There are days when I see nothing but dogs, or thirty cats, and they’re wonderful, but after a while it’s like, oh, wow, another cat.” Leo snorted. “Birds are cool. Lizards are complicated puzzles. Tiny things like mice are a challenge.” Leo loved what he did; it was in his eyes when he talked about work.
“Is there a critter that freaks you out? Snakes or… I don’t know, big bugs?”
“I’ve never had anyone bring in a bug… and I don’t actually take big snakes. Small ones are fine, but the larger ones need special care and I’m not—” Leo chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Okay, since we’re being honest here, I’m not a snake guy. Big snakes are a hard no. But since there is at least one reputable reptile vet in town, I’ve never really had to admit that.”
He nodded, totally empa- and sympa-thizing. “Your secret is safe with me, and that would psych my happy ass out too, man. Seriously.”
“Were you serious about doing some volunteering with us?”
“Sure, if you can be flexible on times.” He had a more regular schedule than most cops, but he still worked with dogs.
“Of course. For starters, just come by when you have some time, and we’ll put you to work. Then we’ll see where we go from there. No pressure, no commitment. Sound good?”
“Yeah. I’m happy to help out.” He didn’t have a whole lot else to occupy him, and he wasn’t really a reader.
“Great. Now I have an excuse to see you more often.” Leo winked at him and stood, taking both plates. “Do you want another slice?”
“Not right now. Give me a few to digest and I might.” He ate the pizza bone with a happy sigh.
“You got it.” Leo went to the kitchen and came back with another slice for himself. “I have a big appetite when it comes to pizza. Sorry.”
Leo didn’t actually look sorry at all.
“I’m going to have another, don’t stress it.” Chris just knew he needed to give himself space.
“What did you like about your old apartment? What are you looking for now?”
“I need a pet. I’d like light. In a fantasy world? A bathtub.” He loved to soak in the bathtub. It was ridiculous, but true.
“You’re good for now then. Pet-friendly building, big windows, tub in the primary en suite.” Leo leaned toward him. “If you’re taking the room offer, that is.”
“I guess that depends on how much you want for rent, what all your house rules are. I have to know the details so that we can be smart about this.” He wasn’t stupid. If he could make it work and save his pennies, that wouldn’t suck.
“House rules? Um… no smoking, no overnight guests, do your dishes, and help me clean. You show up to volunteer at my office, and I’ll waive the rent for a month.”
No overnight guests? Huh. Did that mean he could have guys over for blowjobs and quickies? “Okay, I don’t smoke. What’s the rent? You got a lease-type thing? If not, I’ll get on LegalZoom.”
“If you’re still here after the month, we’ll talk about rent. I don’t have a lease; I’ve never rented the room before.”
“I’ve never rented a room from someone before either, so we’re even.”
What Leo didn’t say was that he’d never intended to rent that room out. Eventually, it was going to be a playroom with beanbag chairs and books and things. Or maybe just a big ball pit.
He hadn’t decided.
It wasn’t meant to be rented out, but Chris was special. He and Chris had things in common—animals and Minions. And that arrangement with Neil was no good for anyone involved.
He thought he understood the boy. But now he was in trouble. Chris wasn’t sure what he wanted, but Leo was.
Chris offered him a smile, the bruised bags under his eyes proving that the boy wasn’t getting the rest he needed.
“I am going put on my new pajamas. Would you put the leftovers in the fridge? Then I’ll meet you in the living room for some quality movie time.” He hardly noticed anymore how he towered over most people, but Chris looked small tonight, and he felt more imposing than he wanted to be as he stood there.
“Sure. I’m going to steal another piece as I’m putting it away, if that’s cool.” Those dark gray eyes held storms in them, and Leo wanted to grab Chris up and hold him.
“Of course. Please help yourself. I’m not the best about eating leftovers.” As soon as he stepped through his bedroom door, Leo shook his head at himself. He didn’t do this kind of thing because he knew himself—he got attached to boys like this, ones who needed but really didn’t want help. And it might end up the way the boy wanted it, but rarely the way he’d hoped.
And here he was doing it again anyway.
Leo heard the boy opening the fridge, closing it, then there was a long moment of silence before the water started.
He really liked the sound of a boy in his kitchen. He liked having Chris there to watch a movie with him, and that the boy didn’t laugh at his suggestion. Not even a little. Chris needed to smile more. To laugh.
So, he was doing this.
He tossed his jeans in the hamper, hung up his sweater, and pulled on his new pajamas and a navy-blue T-shirt, grinning the whole time. Then he hurried back out to the kitchen to show off. “These are amazing. They look great, right?”
Chris gave him a head tilt, and the universal turn-around hand sign. When he spun, Chris nodded. “Perfect. I approve.”
“Ready for the movie?” He held out a hand to Chris to take.
“Sure.” Chris took his hand, a vaguely confused look on his face.
He pretended not to notice. Just like he’d pretended not to notice that the boy had brought their beers when he asked. If Chris wasn’t sure who he was or what he wanted, Leo was happy to subtly remind him.
“I feel like we should take a picture of our matching pajamas, but I don’t know who for.” He pulled Chris over to his wide couch and sat, patting the seat beside him.
“I’m tickled that you like me, them. I’m tickled that you like them.” Chris rolled his eyes. “Jesus.”
“Both are accurate. I like both.” He reached for the remote, finding each little win so satisfying.
Chris’s cheeks were rosy, but he settled, a half-smile on his face.
“Given your distress and the awful night you’d had, it was very unexpected for you to be thinking of me of all people. I was surprised, and it gave me the energy to get through the rest of my day.” He leaned back on the couch, deliberately leaving room should Chris decide he felt like a snuggle. He had no intention of suggesting such a thing yet. For the moment, every move needed to come from Chris.
“Yeah. I wanted to say thank you for helping Buster. I went and hung out with the dogs, let them love on me.”
“That was a good idea. Kittens and then dogs? That’s a good day.” Sleep would have made it a better day, but it didn’t sound like Buster was the reason the boy wasn’t sleeping.
Chris chuckled softly. “Hell yeah. I’m right with you on that.”
“Okay.” He hit the Siri button on his Apple TV remote and carefully said, “De-spic-a-ble-me. Ah. Bingo.” It came right up, probably because he’d watched it a dozen times or more. “Are you comfy?”
It didn’t hurt to ask.
“I am. You have an amazing sofa, and you’re like a furnace.”
He sighed. This was why he kept his apartment so cool. “Big man problems. I’ve been told I give off a lot of heat. Apologies if you get too warm.”
“Shit, I’m always cold.” Chris touched his arm, and that hand was icy.
“Damn. We’re made for each other.” Oops. He laughed awkwardly.
“My momma always said cold hands meant a fiery heart.” Chris stared at the movie, blinking slowly.
“Do you have a fiery heart, boy?” Chris set himself up for that one.
“Yep. I’m no Cool Hand Luke, you know? I got a temper.”
He’d noticed. Chris had gone off on Neil when Neil hadn’t deserved it. Leo understood under the circumstances, but the boy was definitely off the rails. “No… you?”
“Yeah, I know.” Chris rolled his eyes. “Super surprising. I’m not at my best right now. Give me a month, and I’ll be faking pleasant again.”
“Don’t sweat it. I like you fiery.” He was talking to Chris but keeping it casual by looking at the TV.
Chris chuckled softly at the movie. “It’s always funny, isn’t it?”
“Always funny.” It was one of his favorite movies. He liked more adult movies too, but how much reality did one person really need these days? There was a ton of it as soon as you walked out the door.
Fantasy was the way to go, and the younger the audience, the more hopeful the movie.
Chris’s phone rang, and the boy tensed but let it ring.
He debated whether to let that go or push a little. But he never let anything go. “Do you need to take that?” he asked gently. “It’s okay.”
“Let me turn the ringer off.” Chris rolled up off the sofa and headed for the kitchen.
Was it Neil calling? Someone else? Was it any of his business, really? “Fair. Bring our beers when you come back? I think I left mine on the table.”
“No problem!” Chris called back. “I’m officially on leave. I’ve busted through all my overtime.”
“On leave?” He didn’t understand. “You’ve put in too many hours?”
“Yes. I’ve been putting in eighty hours a week. They got grumpy.”
He took his beer from Chris and patted the couch again, and when Chris sat, he leaned up a little and put an arm around the boy’s shoulders. Nobody could work that much and not be exhausted, even when they loved the work. He couldn’t do it and keep his sanity. “Why?” he asked simply, but he thought he probably knew the answer.
Chris shrugged. “I was bored, lonely, I guess. It’s been a weird few years.”
“Years,” he repeated, not a question, but a statement of disbelief. “Talk.”
“About what? I came here for a man. A Dom. It didn’t work out, and I couldn’t stay with him when he brought in a new guy.”
“You’ve gone years without a Dom?” He wanted to know what about the relationship didn’t work out. In the name of research, of course; he wasn’t just nosy. He wanted to know what Chris needed.
“Yeah. Almost four. Like I said, I’m thinking I’m not a sub.”
“Yes, you said. What made you think that you were?” When he worked with a skittish animal, he sort of came at it sideways to seem less threatening. Maybe it worked on subs too.
“I’m not a bottom.” Chris didn’t meet his eyes, but he didn’t stutter either.
“Oh.” This boy was never leaving his sight ever again. “And your former Dom wasn’t either, I assume?”
“God no. I tried to—I mean, there’s lots of things that we could do sexually, and there’s dominance and submission things that have nothing to do with sex, but—” Chris sighed and shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now, I guess.”
“I wouldn’t give up on your submission on the assumption that all Doms are tops.” After all, he was the poster Dom for don’t judge a book by its cover.
“Shit, I don’t—I don’t even know what I need anymore. I just know that I’m tired.”
“Then what you need is sleep. Obviously.” And me. You definitely need me. Or maybe he needed Chris. The line was a little less clear suddenly.
“I don’t sleep, remember? I nap. Usually in the break room at the kennels.”
“You won’t be at the kennels for… how long is your leave?” The boy was going to be at loose ends.
“Two weeks, minimum. I have six weeks saved up after that. I told them to just give it to someone who needed it.”
“You never know, you might need it.” He leaned back into the couch, carefully pulling the boy along with him. “Did you sleep before you and your Dom parted ways?”
“Sometimes, yeah. I mean, I must have, right?” Chris sighed and leaned a little. “I left everything for him.”
“That sucks. And it sucks to feel like you were replaced so easily. Why didn’t you go back home?” He sighed. “You don’t have to answer that. What I meant to say is, I’m glad you stayed because I wouldn’t have met you otherwise.”
“I stayed for the dogs. They’re amazing. They’re absolutely amazing, and they need me. I’m one hell of a trainer.”
He believed that. Chris wasn’t bragging; he was confident in his skills. But it seemed like he was lacking that confidence in everything else.
“You weren’t a bad sub, you know. Just because you and your Dom didn’t work out, that doesn’t mean it was your fault, or that you did anything wrong.”
“Leo… subs don’t tend to be the fuckers. They’re usually the fuckees.”
“Not always. There are Doms who prefer to bottom. I, uh, I know at least one.” And the big lug was sitting on this very couch.
“See… I don’t understand why it’s so weird. That’s giving pleasure, it’s not about power or control, not at all. It’s making love.” Chris stopped, glanced at him. “You do?”
He almost laughed at the late realization. “Mhm.” He nodded. “Intimately.”
“See? I don’t think you’re less of a Dom because you like being made love to!”
Interesting, though, that when Chris spoke about himself, it was ‘fucking’…
“Good. I don’t either. But I’ve shocked people, I’ve even been laughed at a couple of times, so I know exactly what you mean. It doesn’t help that I’m the size I am. People make assumptions.” Sometimes, those assumptions were hurtful. And that was as truthful as he could be with the boy.
“I’m sorry. That’s terrible. I think you ought to be able to be yourself and happy.”
“I think you should too. You should be yourself and be happy. That privilege doesn’t only apply to other people.” He pushed his fingers through Chrissy’s unruly hair, the soft waves sliding through his fingers.
The boy took a long, shaky breath. “My head hurts. Your hands are so good and hot.”
He frowned and was glad that Chrissy couldn’t see it. “Did you take anything? Does your head hurt a lot?” He kept it up, rubbing a little.
“Yeah, I mean, no, I didn’t take anything, and yeah, all the time, it seems like.”
“We have to figure out your sleep. You’re probably just out of spoons.” He hadn’t meant to say “we” but it came right out like he meant it, so he let it be.
“Spoons. I know about that. I have a friend with MS. She talks about being out of spoons. I figure a nap gives me one, but I don’t know how many you’re supposed to have.”
“Oh. A lot, so when things get stressful, you have a bucket of them at the ready. You’re out, so coping is harder. Your body needs sleep to function. A nap is a band-aid on a bigger issue.”
“No shit, man.” Chrissy began to blink again, slow and steady, each blink lasting longer and longer.
He stopped talking and let the movie fill the void, listening as he petted on Chrissy a little, and the boy got heavier and heavier against him.
Suddenly, he realized that sweet body was lax and still, quiet and cuddled against him.
That was trust, and it made him smile.
Until he realized that whether it was an hour or a day, he wasn’t going to be able to move until the boy woke up.