Chapter 41
Chapter forty-one
James
This was not how I wanted to tell Killian of my decision, but the callousness his parents treated him with was too much.
My blood had been boiling ever since last night, since the “you lost your hand” remark.
Now the foolish notion that Killian would be lonely without them, and their title made me boil over.
I unwillingly released a tidal wave. Killian, Matthew, Barry and every other crew member is back on the Obsidian Oath within the hour.
Everyone has packed their belongings. The crew got the last flotilla payment, and Celeste gave Killian a bag of gold she determined he was eligible for as an heir to the throne he denounced.
“Darling, I thought you were not sure about us, that you wanted to stay with your family,” Killian says the second we are alone in the crow’s nest.
“I was, but since your parents forced me away from you for the night, it put some things in perspective, not just for me, but for all of the Barington brothers.” I tell him, thinking back to last night and the conversation with my brothers.
“James, you’re quiet. Are you upset about Peter?
His head was so close to you when we got back to you,” Barry says shuddering.
He is right. Every time I close my eyes, I see those brown eyes, the vertical pupils that would widen when they caught sight of me.
Motionless and cold, I hear the wet sound of meat being cut.
“It was horrific, yes. Not even Killian knows this, but when I got behind in the forest, it was because I vomited,” I admit.
It was horrible, and to know I was the reason for someone I thought to love die so violently, to know all the faun amongst whom there were kind people are now leaderless, adrift in the beautiful but cruel world of Silvermist, is a burden. A pain that might never fully heal.
“But Killian has Celeste back, all the other brownies turned back to their own form. Being able to bring you and Matthew back home. That’s more important, it’s a bit like when I gave up being a scholar to be a baking apprentice.
” To most the comparison must be weird. To me it isn’t; I made a tough decision because circumstances had forced me to do so.
The only other option out of that mess would have been Killian sacrificing himself.
“Most of my time aboard the Obsidian Oath, I tried to figure out leverage over Killian, the crew to help Peter win.” I start telling my brothers of the reason why: Peter’s violent death in front of me is not pulling me under.
“But the crew have become my friends, and Killian he is Killian,” I sigh the last words, unable to communicate what Killian is for me.
But because I cannot tell my brothers how much I want to stay with him.
How my soul aches to break the promise I made him, the promise to always be there for them.
“You really love him, don’t you, and he loves you, he looks at you like you’re his north star, the way to find his way back home.” Of course, Matthew knows, showing what I told Killian earlier, that he is the smartest kid I know.
“I do, and I wish I didn’t have to leave, but in this life you don’t always get what you want.
At least we still have each other, right?
” I smile brightly and fake, because me being quiet before had nothing to do with Peter’s death and everything with the dawning realization that here, only a few feet away from him, I miss him to the point where my heart aches.
And that distance, and with it that ache, will only grow bigger.
“Then why don’t you stay with him?” Barry’s question is sweet and full of an eight-year-old’s innocence.
“Barry, the gold Peter gave Mom and Dad most likely was fake. I need to bring you two home, care for them, and keep the promise I made you both. To always be there for you,” I explain tenderly but heartbroken.
“It’s hard to believe you were to become the scholar of the family,” Matthew scoffs, and for a moment I am hurt. Hurt that my brother, in the middle of my grief for a life I only got a taste of, would mock me.
“Don’t, Matthew. I know I failed you, I do, but am I not making it up now?
” I clip, I want to say more, lash out when I feel his thin frame hold me.
Flaying me open, and I am about to break when Matthew speaks up.
“Like Celeste was not responsible for the consequences because it was not her doing, the same goes for you.” I sigh, trembling at his words, it doesn’t help with the heartbreak of having to lose Killian.
It does elevate some of the guilt I have been feeling.
“As for being there for us, we don’t need you to be there for us physically, you idiot…
,” My heart stops as Matthew explains what he needs from me, and Barry wholeheartedly agrees.
“So I promised my brothers we would bring them home. I want you to meet my family, figure out a way to help my mother, and then we will sail all the seas together for as long as my mortal life will grant me.” I tell Killian.