CHAPTER 9
ADDY
The sound of a door slamming hard has me jolting and sitting up, instantly on alert and terrified all at once. I try to look around me, but the room is dark, the only light coming from a dimly lit bulb on the ceiling above me. My head feels like it weighs too much and I can’t seem to keep it up for longer than a few seconds. My vision is swimming and my stomach is turning violently.
I look down at myself and realize I’m naked and laid on a bare mattress. The metal bed frame it sits on is set in the center of a small room, The walls around me look like they’re crumbling down, paint peeling, and mold growing from the ceiling, seeming to crawl down the walls towards me.
My gasping breaths only become shorter as I try to make sense of where I am. This isn’t the club. The rooms there weren’t luxury, but they were clean and well lit. When men are paying for you, they want to be able to see the pain they’re inflicting very clearly on your face, after all.
I try to move my legs from the edge of the bed to stand and try to get away from this new nightmare, but pain shoots up through my core with just the slight movement. I look down again and cry out when I see juts how much blood is between my thighs.
Why don’t I remember what happened to me? Why don’t I know where I am? Tears slip down my cheeks, but I refuse to give into the sobs that want free too. I don’t know where I am, but there’s no security looming over me like there has been at the club for the last six months. I have to keep it together and take this chance to escape. It could be the only one I get.
I push through the pain and slide my feet from the mattress, planting them on the floor. As soon as I sit up, my head starts to spin so violently that I can’t stop the nausea that rushes over me. I just about manage to lean to the side before I vomit all over the rough, wood floor beneath me.
When I try to stand, I realize I must have been drugged. It’s the only explanation for the way I’m feeling and the fact I can’t remember what was obviously a brutal encounter. The monsters must have drugged me and brought me to this place.
A sob bursts from me as I plant a hand on the rotting wall and lean over. The despair is so thick inside of me that I feel like it’s suffocating me. I let my head hang down as I fight to gain back some control of myself, but I’m in so much pain and so very broken. It’s been six months of being abused, beaten, and broken in so very many ways and I just can’t take anymore. Not a minute passes now when I don’t regret not taking those damned Vicodin pills the second I was able. All I can focus on now is the hope that I will find a way to end it all and just make this pain stop.
Eventually, I manage to get enough air in to stand up straight. I take a deeper breath and force myself to calm down, and push back the darkness that seems to be my closest friend lately. I have to get out of the room. If I can just escape I can find a way to end it all. A bridge or a roof to jump off. A knife. Anything. I just need it all to stop.
I stumble clumsily to the only door in the room and brace my hand against the wall as I rip it open. It’s actually unlocked! I want to cry in relief at that small mercy, but I know I don’t have time. I need to find a way out.
I lean against the door jamb and push my back against it enough to keep me up, as I turn the corner into a long, grimy looking corridor. There are doors down both sides, but the space around me is oddly quiet. It’s strange. For so long all I’ve heard constantly is yelling, screams, and desperate sobbing. Night and day those sounds never stop. This silence makes my ears ring loudly as I move down the corridor shakily, fighting with everything I have left -which isn’t much – to stay upright and ignore the pain I’m in.
I glance down at my legs as I feel a trail of warm blood reach my right ankle from between my thighs. I realize I’m bleeding way too much. Maybe that will be my way out. Bleeding to death’s just like going to sleep, isn’t it? That seems easier than any of the other options I’ve considered.
I freeze as I deliberate the idea of just finding a place to hide and allow the inevitable to happen, but I rethink it quickly. If anyone finds me, I’ll have lost my chance all over again. I can’t mess this up this time. I have to end things properly.
I start to move again, but I’ve barely gotten a step away before I hear heavy boots on the hard floor behind me. I turn in a panic and see the beast behind me. Bull, I remind myself. That’s what they called him. What was he doing here? I hadn’t seen him since the day he left me at the club.
My body starts to shake harder as he locks his eyes on mine and a smirk fills his face. A squeak of fear slips free as I turn away from him and try to run.
Of course, it’s futile. Whatever I’ve been drugged with is making me so dizzy and clumsy I can barely remain upright. Before I know it, Bull has a handful of my hair in his hand and wrenches me back so hard I fall to the floor with a loud cry of pain.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re goin’?” he growls as he looms over me.
“Please,” I cry hysterically. “Kill me! Just k-kill me!” I don’t care about living anymore. Any fight or hope that I may have been clinging to before is long gone. I don’t care about anything but just making all of the pain end. I don’t even know who I am by this point. I barely even fight any more, when the men come for me, or drag me away. My fate is sealed, and fighting only makes it worse. Hope is nonexistent for me now. It isn’t like I have anything left to fight for anyway. I’m not me anymore. Hell, I’m not even a person anymore. I’m a shell with nothing left inside. They’ve taken everything from me – my strength, my fight, my free will, my hope, and my soul.
“Afraid not. The boss has plans for you. Didn’t say I couldn’t hurt you though,” he sneers. He grabs the tops of my arms and I just let him. All I can do, as he slams me hard into the wall, is close my eyes and pray to anyone who would listen that he’ll make a mistake and end me this time.
“Addy! Wake up, shortcake.” The sensation of being shaken slightly, brought me back to the present, and I opened my eyes with a gasp, sitting up quickly and looking all around me.
“You’re okay, baby. We’re at the penthouse in the city, remember?” I looked to my right and found Adam perched on the edge of the bed, right at my side. Eli was on the bed at my other side too and both of them were holding one of my hands.
“Yeah…I…I remember,” I said, my voice still sounding hoarse from the fire, and shaking because of how hard my entire being was vibrating.
“You were crying. That’s why I woke you,” Eli explained as he moved a little closer and wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I pulled my hands free of both of their grips and swiped my face with the backs of my hands. I must have been crying a lot since my face was soaked with tears.
“Sorry. I’m okay,” I whispered, my throat too sore to speak any louder.
“Deep breaths, Addy,” Adam prompted, and I did as he said, taking deeper breaths to try and calm down. That nightmare, or flashback – whatever it was - it had been so raw. I had felt every emotion. I had felt the throbbing pain in my body. I had felt the despair and the hopelessness. I’d wanted nothing except to die.
“C-could you make me some tea please, Eli?” I asked as I held in my tears and tried to appear calm. Eli was still pale and looked completely exhausted. He hadn’t shaved, the stubble thick on his always clean shaven face. “My throat…it really hurts.”
“Of course. Green or chamomile?” he asked as his worried expression softened and he smiled a little.
“Green tea would be good. Thanks.”
“I’ll warm you some soup too. You need to eat and take your pills.” I nodded in reply and he stood and hurried from the room, seeming happy to have something to do.
As soon as he pulled the door of the bedroom closed behind him, I looked up to Adam and just crumbled. My face scrunched as the first sob broke free. Tears streamed and I just lost all of the composure I’d been clutching on to.
“I’m here, Addy. Let it out. I’m right here,” Adam soothed as he lifted me from the bed and set me in his lap. I leaned into him, comforted by the way his huge body surrounded me as he wrapped his arms around me.
“I…I w-was somewhere else…somewhere worse,” I whimpered through my tears. “I don’t know wh-where it was but I…I was so lost, Adam. I wanted to die. All I w-wanted was to…to die.”
“Jesus. Don’t say that, baby, please. I can’t stand to think of you not being here with me, with all of us.” He gripped me even tighter.
“This will never end, will it? This flashback…it was somewhere different,” I sat up enough to swipe the tears from my cheeks, then I looked up into his deep chocolate eyes. “What if there were more places? More monsters? I d-don’t know how much more I can take.”
“I want to make you feel better, but I won’t lie to you. You have a lot of memories that still haven’t returned, Addy, and none of us know what else you went through. We can’t know how much worse the memories could be, baby, but I can promise that whatever comes, you won’t have to deal with any of it alone. We’re all here and you have your counsellor who we can call anytime too. We can get through this. You can. I get that you don’t feel strong right now, but you are, Addy. So damned strong. You amaze me every fucking day,” he told me as he brushed a hand down over my hair again and again. It felt good and I relaxed into his touch, needing the contact and comfort.
“I just feel so lost,” I whispered, feeling marginally calmer. “I know I have all of you, and it helps more than you can know. I feel safe when I’m with you and I know I can come to you. God, I need to come to you all of the time, trust me,” I sighed. “But in here…” I pointed to my temple. “…I just….I don’t even know who I am anymore, Adam. I want to be better. I want to fight and be strong, but I just feel so empty and exhausted. I want to be there for Asher and Eli. I don’t want to let them down when they need me, but I just…I’m broken. Really, really broken.”
“You might be a little lost right now, honey, but you are definitely not broken. What you’re going through and what you survived is more than most people could even stand to imagine, Addy. You lived it all. You survived and you’re still here. That took so much strength and fight. It stands to reason you’d feel a little empty and exhausted right now. It’s taking everything you have just to keep putting one foot in front of the other, especially with the memories coming back randomly like they are. It’s okay to feel like you’re not okay right now. I’d be worried if you didn’t feel that way.”
“But what do I do to make it better. I don’t want to be this way.”
“You keep going. You keep doing everything you can to move forwards. Will you get knocked back? Of course you will, but as long as you find a way to get back up again and keep pushing, things will get better. It won’t happen quickly and most days you won’t even notice, but day by day, piece by piece, things will get better. And if you’re too exhausted to get yourself back up and keep moving, you come to us. You come to your brothers, or to me, or to Jord and you tell us you need help. Do you understand? I know you can do this, Addy.”
I looked up into his eyes and took in his strong features. He was just so perfect to look at. And when he locked his eyes on me the way he was in that moment, I just melted. His eyes held so much emotion and it was a lot to take when it was lasered all on me.
“Okay,” I whispered with a nod. I wanted to kiss him desperately in that moment, but it was hardly the time. Instead I lifted up and placed a chaste kiss on his stubbled cheek. “Thank you, for always being here for me,” I told him.
“Always gonna be here for you, baby,” he returned as he reached up and tucked some wild strands of hair behind my ear.
“I should wash my face before Eli comes back. I don’t want him worrying any more than he is.” I slid from Adam’s lap and got to my feet. Adam just stayed where he sat on the bed, watching me closely.
“He’s having a hard time. He always knew your father wasn’t a good man, but to find out just how depraved he truly was, has to hurt.”
“I know. I wish they could have been spared all of it. I’m worried about them both,” I said as I stopped outside the bathroom door and turned to him again.
“They’ll be okay. They’re strong, just like you,” Adam told me with the cutest little smile. “Asher is better already now he has a mission to focus on.”
“A mission?”
“Harris and his team found a warehouse in Navada that seems to be linked to it all. They headed out a few hours ago to check it out, and Ash and Kane went with them.”
“What?” I turned to face Adam fully as panic overwhelmed me all at once. “What do you mean a warehouse? How did they find it?”
“The money trail they followed. It led them to monthly payments for this warehouse.”
“Is it the warehouse I was held in?” I gasped, my breaths picking up speed all over again.
“We don’t know. Come and sit again.” Adam got to his feet and came towards me, but I held a hand out to still him where he stood.
“There were armed men there. They…they had huge guns. Asher and Kane…do they know what they could be walking into?”
“They’re all highly trained, Addy. They know what they’re doing,” Adam sighed. I could tell it was killing him to stay back from me, his right hand nervously tapping at his thigh.
I was freaking out as the memory I had of that warehouse came back to me and played over and over. I saw Bull – that beast of a man who had hurt me so badly. I saw the six guys who had manned the building constantly, huge guns slung over their shoulders the entire time.
“Why didn’t they just tell the FBI? Why did they go there?” I cried.
“Asher needs to do something. His family is under threat and he’s not the kind of guy who can just sit back and rely on others. He wants to get this whole thing cleared up quickly. The FBI are dragging their feet and it’s killing him,” Adam tried to explain.
“He’s an idiot!” I barked. “He could get himself and Kane killed! Kane has a fucking head injury! What were they thinking?”
“Addy, please just sit and try to calm down. Ash and Kane will be fine.”
“Where’s Jordan?” I asked when I realized I hadn’t seen him at all since I woke up. “Did he go too? He’s not trained! How could they all be so stupid?!”
“Easy,” Adam approached me and placed his huge hands around my forearms. “Jordan just went back to the house to get you some clothes. He has one of the security with him, and he’s safe.” I didn’t fight as Adam led me back to the bed and eased me down until I was sat at the foot of it.
“This is all my fault. I…I never should have come home with Asher and Eli. You’re all in danger now be-because of me. It was a mistake.” The gasping words were pushed out between my fight to breathe and I knew I sounded hysterical, but I wasn’t wrong. None of this would have happened if I’d have stayed out of Asher and Eli’s lives. They might never have had to know what a monster their father was. They were in danger now and I had caused that. Kane had been hurt by people who wanted to get to me. Now Asher and Kane could both be killed and that was on me too. I was such an idiot!
“Addy?” Adam’s voice startled me and I looked up surprised to find him crouched before me.
“You have to leave!” I got to my feet before he could even say anything. I marched over to the door of the room and opened it, then looked to him. “Just go, please. I need you to go,” I said as calmly as I could.
“Just talk to me, baby,” Adam pleaded as he got to his feet but remained where he stood beside the bed.
“Go! Just go, Adam!” I yelled. I just wanted him out. I wanted them all as far from me as I could get them. I never should have gotten involved with any of them. I never should have even lived! I’d been right in that flashback! I was a broken mess and the best thing for everyone would have been if I’d met my end that day or any day after it.
“Okay. I’m gonna go, but I’ll be close if you need me, okay? You just call and I’ll be here,” he said softly as he walked up to me. He moved to cup my cheek in his huge hand and I wanted that touch so very much. Instead I shook my head before he made contact and dropped my eyes to the floor. I didn’t deserve his touch. “We all love you, Addy. Don’t forget that, okay?” That was the last thing he said before he left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
Tears were streaming down my face as I locked the door then slid down it until I landed on the cold wood floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and started to rock back and forth. I’d screwed everything up so badly. I should have known better than to hope I could ever find any peace in my chaotic, messed up life.