CHAPTER 11
ADDY
I had barely stopped shuffling across the floor away from the door when I found myself wrapped tightly in Eli’s arms. He had fallen to his knees beside me and he was holding me so tightly I could barely breathe. Not that I was doing so well on the breathing front anyway.
I’d been stuck in what felt like the longest anxiety attack I had ever had, for a really long time, to the point where I had started to doubt that I would ever be able to pull myself back out of it.
Eli, Jordan, and Adam had both been outside the door at different points trying to talk to me and encourage me to open the door, but most of the time I hadn’t even been able to hear them, the noise in my head drowning out reality and dragging me deeper and deeper into the carnage in my mind.
I hadn’t even known how to get out, no matter how badly I had wanted any one of the guys at the door to come in and just hold me. I couldn’t seem to find the strength to fight the dark thoughts that were telling me, over and over, that everyone I cared for was going to get hurt, or worse, all because of me, to call out to them for the help I so desperately needed.
Hearing Asher’s voice had helped. Just to know he was safe had allayed some of my darkest fears, but then Kane had been speaking. His voice just seemed to wrap around me and wrench me away from that darkness. Even when that darkness tried to pull me back, Kane didn’t let me go. His firm voice made me fight harder until I had finally found my way out enough to open the damned door.
“Christ, you scared me, shortcake,” Eli said with relief as he held me against him. I managed to move one of my trembling arms around his back, hoping to soothe him too.
“Are you okay, princess? Are you hurt?” I looked up and found Jordan and Adam both knelt on the floor too, either side of Eli.
I shook my head, then hid against Eli’s shoulder again. I was shaking so hard my teeth chattered, and my heart was racing. The tingling in my finger tips and toes had been going on for hours and it wouldn’t stop either.
“You’re freezing, Addy,” Eli commented as he pulled back and reached for a blanket from the bed. He wrapped it around me, only dropping his arms from around me long enough to cover me, then I was pressed against him again.
“Let’s go to the living room. I’ll turn on the fire and we can get it nice and cozy, okay?” Adam suggested.
“I’ll grab some more blankets,” Jordan volunteered as he stood and raced away. I wanted him to come back. It didn’t feel the same with him gone. I wanted him to be where I could see him. I wanted Adam too. And Kane. And Asher. I just wanted them all where I knew they were safe and protected.
“Can you talk to me, Addy? Tell me what’s going on?” Eli almost begged. I knew I should. I knew I was scaring him. Scaring all of them, and I felt bad about it, but I just didn’t even know where to begin voicing the pain I felt inside.
Instead I just lay my head against his shoulder and sank even deeper against him. I was exhausted, confused, and terrified of my own dark thoughts. I was terrified of myself! How had I allowed things to take such a deep dive into utter darkness, and where was the safety line that I needed to grab on to, to get myself back out again?
“Okay, sweetie. No talking now,” Eli agreed as he stood while still holding me in his arms. “We don’t need to talk until you’re ready. I’m here though, okay? I’ve got you,” he said, his words so gentle and genuine. He was the most amazing brother and I had no idea what I would do without him and Asher there for me all of the time.
When we got to the living room, Eli placed me down on the sofa beside Jordan. He was unfolding blankets from a pile he had retrieved from somewhere. As soon as I was seated he started laying them over me.
“Gotta get you warm, beautiful,” he uttered as he laid the fourth thick blanket over me. Someone had turned on the electric fire, mounted on the wall, and the whole room felt toasty warm already.
“You okay with Jordan while I heat you up some soup?” Eli asked. I lifted my eyes to meet his and gave him a single nod.
“Enough,” I said to Jordan when he went to lie another blanket over me. I placed my hand over his to still him before he suffocated me. “I’m warm now.”
“Sorry,” he said as he put down the blanket he was clutching and seemed to realize how covered I was. “I guess I got carried away. I was just worried.”
“Will you just hold me? Please?” I whispered instead. I could already feel the darkness pulling me down again now Eli had released me, and it terrified me.
“I thought you’d never ask,” he joked as he slid his arms around me and lifted me up, blankets and all, and set me in his lap. “You still feel half frozen,” he remarked as I laid my back against his front and tried to take deeper breaths.
Jordan wrapped all of the blankets tighter around me, then ran his hands over them, up and down my arms, trying to warm me. I didn’t particularly care about the cold, but the feel of his hands running over my arms was soothing.
Moments later Adam appeared before me. He dropped to his knees and smoothed a hand over the top of my head, taming some wild strands of hair from my face in the process.
“How are you feeling, honey?” he asked softly.
“Worn out,” I whispered. My throat hurt from all of the crying I’d done, on top of the damage caused by the smoke from the fire.
“Can you try and drink some water? I’m worried you might be a little dehydrated.”
“He’s right, Addy. Just try and take a few sips for us, okay?” Jordan chimed in, and I gave a reluctant nod. I was so completely exhausted from hours of trying to battle my mental demons. All I wanted to do was snuggle between the both of them and close my eyes.
Jordan sat forward, and helped me to sit up too. He supported me heavily as I wrapped my shaking hand around the bottle of water Adam presented me with. I was grateful when he kept a grip on the bottle too as I brought it to my lips and took a few small sips.
When Adam tried to bring it to my lips again I shook my head and slumped back into Jordan.
“Jordan’s going to keep the bottle. You need to try and drink some more when you feel ready, yeah?”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Eli’s heating some chicken broth too. I want you to try and eat some. You haven’t eaten for hours,” Adam added more firmly. I didn’t know why, but when he used that tone my body seemed to pay attention more, just like when Kane had spoken with me earlier. It helped. It was like when they became more demanding, my body just automatically went with the command, and bypassed my addled, terrified, and confused mind.
“I’ll try,” I told him.
“Good girl.” Adam kissed my temple, then rose to his feet and disappeared again.
“I know you’re tired, beautiful, but we’re all really worried about you. Just let us take care of you,” Jordan said as he wrapped his arms around me again.
“I’m worried about me too,” I whispered as I turned my head and rested it against his chest so that I could hear his steady heartbeat.
“We’ve got you. You don’t need to worry about anything.” He kissed the top of my head and urged me to relax against him even more, which I happily did. Sat in his arms like that made the noise that I’d been so very lost in for most of the day, so much quieter.
When Eli brought the bowl of soup in for me, I really tried to sit up and eat some. Adam was stood off to the side, his arms crossed over his chest as he watched me with the worry I could see in all of their faces. When my hand shook too badly to get any soup anywhere near my mouth, Eli took over and spoon fed me about half of the bowl before I couldn’t manage anymore. Eli, at least, seemed appeased by my effort.
I started to doze once I was able to snuggle into Jordan again, my exhaustion overriding my anxiety and fears. I dare not allow myself to sleep fully at first, too afraid of nightmares. At some point Adam took me from Jordan and I found myself laid against his broader body instead. I could hear the television on softly in the back ground, and the rumble of Eli and Jordan talking quietly. That, along with the security I felt in Adam’s arms, his huge body surrounding me and keeping me so warm, was finally enough for me to give into sleep completely.
***
I had no idea how long I’d been asleep, but I was roused awake slowly by the soft drone of voices close by. I opened my eyes and realized I was no longer in the living room with Adam. I now lay in my room at the penthouse, snuggled under the comforter in the center of the huge, comfortable bed.
“How has she been?” That was Asher. He was right outside the door of my room, which was open a fraction. I was so relieved he was back.
“She’s mainly slept. By the time we got to her earlier, she was so exhausted she could barely even speak,” Eli answered with a deep sigh.
“Did she eat anything?” Kane. Just the sound of his voice made my heart rate pick up. I wanted nothing more than to jump up and run to him. I knew the lingering darkness, which I could already feel pushing into my consciousness, would quieten more if he would just hold me.
“Yeah. Some soup, and Adam got her to drink a little. She was in a bad way. We were worried sick,” Jordan replied this time. I hated how much I had terrified them all. It had been written all over Adam, Jordan, and Eli’s faces when I managed to unlock my door and saw the three of them. I hadn’t meant to cause so much commotion and upset. I hadn’t meant to lose it either, but it was just so out of my control. When the dark thoughts wanted to pull me down, it was like I was powerless to stop it. I got so lost, and it was worse than simply not being able to find my way out again. It was like I couldn’t even make myself try to find a way out.
“You’ve been watching over her, like I said?” Kane asked.
“One of us has been with her every second,” Eli confirmed. “Jordan told me what you told him. Do you really think she…” Eli stopped talking and he took a breath so deep I could hear it through the door. “…that she’d want to hurt herself? How could we not realize things had come to such a terrible place for her?”
“We knew she was suffering, Eli,” Asher spoke up. “I just hoped she was coping a little better because she has all of us. You’re not the only one who missed just how much pain she truly must be in.” There was guilt in Asher’s voice – a guilt I had heard from him way too much. He had nothing to feel guilty about. None of them did. I had tried hard to hide the worst of my anxiety and melancholy from them. I hadn’t wanted them to see me as any weaker, and more pathetic than I was already sure they did. I had just wanted to be strong and to be there for them too. Now I had messed it all up again, and only added more worries to their plates.
“What should we do? We can’t watch her every second of every day. I mean, I would, if that’s what we need to do, but I don’t think she’ll allow us to do that?” Jordan questioned.
“I agree, and even if we could get away with never letting her out of our sight, if she’s that low right now, she’ll find a way if that’s what she’s decided she needs to do,” Adam added, and the tension in his voice spoke of pain. I was hurting him.
“Please don’t say that. I can’t…” Eli’s voice was shaking slightly as he struggled to get his words out. “We can’t let that happen. We can’t lose her.”
“We’re not going to let it happen. I’ve arranged a video session with Addy’s counsellor for her, first thing in the morning, and every day after, for as long as Addy needs the sessions that regularly. We’re going to keep a close eye on her, and most importantly, we’re going to be here for her. We’re going to make sure she knows how much she means to us all and how much we need her.”
“I’ve moved all of the pain meds from the bathroom and locked them in a box in my closet. Ash, you need to make sure you’re gun is secured,” Adam ordered.
“I have one here, one in my office, and two in the house at home, all in fingerprint secured lock boxes. I’m the only one who can access them,” Asher assured Adam.
I was almost as shocked to hear the fact Asher kept so many guns, as I was horrified that they all thought I was so very close to taking my own life, given half the chance. Was I? I had certainly been in a very dark place locked in my room over those hours. The horror of my past – at least the memories I could recall – had melded with my new present and created a whole new terrifying prospect – the threat that now hung over the people I cared so much for - all because of me. It had torn me apart and I had been completely lost, cast adrift from all rational thought, and lost in the screams of the demons in my head.
But did I want to die? I thought about the night I had gone to Kane’s place feeling lost and he had asked me that very same question. My answer then had been ‘no’ and I was pretty sure it remained the same now. My reality was a scary place. I had so many horrifying memories that could come back, and the idea of any of them being worse than what I had already recovered was crippling. My own father had been involved in it all! He could turn out to be the entire reason I had suffered as I had. It was a huge mess, and to say it was overwhelming and daunting was a huge understatement. It was the stuff of nightmares – nightmares so terrifying I wasn’t sure I would survive them.
But I had so much to live for too. I had a home with my brothers. I loved Asher and Eli, and I didn’t want to leave them, or ever hurt them any more than they were already hurting, by putting them through my loss. I had Adam, Jordan, and Kane. While my feelings for them were confusing and overwhelming in a whole different way, I couldn’t deny that I cared for them all deeply. A possible future with them was terrifying and seemed impossible, but the idea of it also filled me with excitement and possibilities that I had never dared allow myself to dream of.
Whether my future included the three of them or not, I had hope that it would be better than my past. Even if the guys and I never worked, I could still have them in my life as my friends. I’d have my brothers. I could pick up my career again and build a good life for myself if I could find the fight it would require to do it.
No. I didn’t want to die. I had, in the past. I had recalled two instances now where all I had wished for was peaceful oblivion, but at that time I had been alone and there had been no hope to cling to. Now I had hope, and I was very far from alone.
“We should clear out the sharp items from the bathrooms too. Scissors and things? Razors too, right?” Jordan worried, pulling me back to reality.
“Guys,” I called. I couldn’t bare to hear any more. My voice was nothing more than a rough rasp, but they heard me and the door opened quickly.
“Sweetheart. You’re awake,” Asher said as he walked in first. Kane was right behind him, and the second I looked up, my eyes locked with his. He was pale and looked completely wiped out. I started to worry about him instantly.
“You need to rest Kane. Your head…” I panicked.
“I’m fine. Stop fussing, crazy girl,” he sighed with the hint of a smile on his face. “How loud’s all that noise now?” he asked as he stepped up to the bed and crouched so we were eye to eye.
“Better, but it’s still there,” I admitted. I just couldn’t seem to keep anything back from Kane when he looked at me the way he was in that moment.
“Did you sleep?” Jordan asked. I looked up and found him stood beside Adam and Eli, above Kane. The room suddenly felt a lot smaller with all five of them in there with me. I nodded as I looked between Kane and Asher, checking them both for any sign of injury.
“Are you both okay? No one was hurt?” I asked.
“No one was hurt. Kane and I are in one piece,” Asher nodded.
“The women you found? What will happen to them?”
“They were all taken to the closest hospital. They’ll get the help they need.”
“They’ll get to go home?” That was all I had wanted in the time I had been held in that cage. My life might have been mundane and pretty lonely but it had been quiet and safe. I remembered how desperately I had wanted it all back, as I sat trapped in that cage, contemplating what awaited me next.
“If they want to, yes. Those who don’t want to go home or have nowhere to go, will receive help to set up a new place to live, and counselling to help them. I’ve made sure of it,” Asher assured me.
“They’re all safe because of you, Angel. Now all we care about is you. What do you need?” Kane asked, surprising me with how gently he was speaking to me in front of everyone else.
I sighed deeply as I sank back against my pillows and looked between them all.
“I want you all to stop worrying I’m going to hurt myself,” I told them.
“Addy…” Eli looked to me pleadingly.
“I don’t want to die, Eli,” I told him as I sat up and looked him square in his eyes, needing him to believe me. “I did. I’m pretty sure I spent a lot of the two years I was taken, just trying to find a way to end things, and wishing someone would do it for me.”
“Sweetheart…” Asher tried to interrupt me, but I held a hand out to him, to stop him.
“I had no hope then,” I went on. “No one was coming for me. I knew that. I didn’t have anyone who would even notice I was gone, other than my grumpy old landlord, when I didn’t pay my rent. I was in so much pain and I just wanted some peace. That was the only way I could see out of it all, and I didn’t think it mattered much anyway. Who would have missed me?”
“We would, Addy. If we’d have come looking for you and discovered you were dead, it would have hurt us, knowing we had a sister we would never get to know,” Eli said, his eyes glassy.
“That’s just it though. I’m not alone anymore. I have hope now. I know I’m not fixed, and I know it’s going to be a long time before I am, but I feel like I can get there because I have so much in my life now,” I tried to explain. “Things get dark, in here,” I pointed to my temple. “I get lost and I terrify myself with how out of control my thoughts get. That’s what happened the night I went to Kane, and It’s what happened earlier. It’s like my mind tries to make me so filled with fear, that it takes me back to that dark place where I wanted it all to just end. But I don’t want my life to end any more, because I don’t want to leave any of you. I want a future. I have no idea what it will look like and it’s scary, but I want to try.”
“We want you to have a future too, Addy. I promise there is nothing I won’t do to help you get through all of this and find your way again,” Asher told me.
“I’m still worried about when things get dark, though. You get so lost, and I worry what could happen if you’re alone and that happens. I’ve been there, Addy, remember? I know how easy it is for the dark thoughts to drag you down. I picked up my own gun, ready to make it all just stop, more than once when I was at my lowest,” Kane admitted, and tears filled my eyes at just the thought of him being alone and in that much pain.
“I’m so sorry,” I murmured tearfully as I wrapped both of my hands around his where it was laid on the bed beside me. He was still crouched at eye level with me and I could see every trace of the pain in his eyes.
“No more hiding, okay? No more locking yourself away. I know how scary and embarrassing it can feel to just let go and turn to others when you need help, but we’re here for you. We want you to come to us. Everyone needs help in the tough times – every single person on this Earth. It doesn’t make you weak, or whatever other thoughts go through this crazy mind of yours,” Kane went on as he gently stroked the hand I wasn’t holding over the top of my head.
“Kane’s right. We need you to come to us, Addy. The first sign of anxiety, or even if you just feel a little off. We need the security of knowing you won’t hide away alone again. I need it. I know it might sound over bearing, but I have to know you’re safe. Do you understand?” Asher asked.
“We all do,” Adam added. I looked to Jordan who smiled a little, but I saw the worry written all over his face. When I looked to Eli he was swiping at his eyes and looking to the ground, trying to hide the upset I had caused him, from me.
“No more hiding,” I agreed as I looked to Kane then to Asher. “I’ll come to you guys. I’m so sorry I scared you all like I did.”
“No more apologizing. That’s a rule too,” Kane added with a tired sigh.
“I have rules now?” I threw back with a raised eyebrow.
“If that’s what’s needed to take care of you, then yes,” Kane replied stubbornly.
“I agree. Maybe some rules would be a good thing,” Adam said, jumping right on board as he looked to me and dared me to argue.
“You guys do realize I’m a grown woman, right?” I snarked back, but inside I wasn’t horrified by the idea of them taking charge the way they seemed to be doing, especially not after the way I had responded to Kane and Adam being a little bossy with me before. It had felt good to just do and not think when things were so out of control for me.
“We don’t want to patronize you, Addy, but I have to agree. I think some guidelines to help you keep your mind focused could be of benefit to you right now,” Asher added.
“Like what?”
“Like you come to us when you feel worried or upset, no matter how trivial you think it is,” Adam said.
“No apologizing for things you have no control over,” Kane added.
“No blaming yourself for what’s happening, or worrying about all of us to the point it makes you ill. We’re all big boys. We can handle ourselves,” Jordan spoke up, surprising me.
“You too? I didn’t have you pegged as a rule follower or maker,” I scoffed as I looked up at him.
“I agree with Asher. I think this would help you, and I’d do anything to make things just a little easier right now for you,” he told me more gently.
“I’d like you to tell us about any memories you recover, not just the parts you think we can handle. You need to talk these things through to get them out, and we all need to know what you’re dealing with, in order to be able to help,” Asher rumbled, and when I looked to him his face was firm. Maybe I should have fought this whole thing a little harder. They all seemed way too on board with the whole idea.
“You guys don’t need to hear all of the gory details. I wish I didn’t have to either,” I sighed.
“But you do, Addy, and if you can face it, so can we,” Eli chimed in. “And I also think there should be a rule that you make an effort to eat three times a day. I’m worried about how thin you are, and the doctor did say it was important to eat healthily with your heart issues.”
“Not you too, Eli. You’re supposed to be on my side,” I groaned dramatically.
“We’re all on your side, baby. We just want to take care of you,” Adam reminded me.
“Fine. I’ll try to do the things you all said, but we’re not calling them ‘rules.’ I’m not a child,” I argued petulantly. Even though I kind of liked the idea of having rules, I felt the need to fight my corner and not give in completely.
“We’ll see,” Kane grumbled. When he looked between Adam and Jordan, and all three shared a conspiratorial nod, I worried a little at what I was getting myself into.
“I know it’s late, but do you think you could try and eat again, sweetie? You have meds to take and you look far too pale?” Eli asked worriedly, saving me from whatever was going on between Adam, Jordan, and Kane.
“What time is it?” I asked as I sat up and groaned at the residual pain that still remained from my damaged ribs. They were so much better, but they still smarted if I moved wrong.
“Just after two A.M.” Kane replied as he got to his feet and stepped away from the bed rubbing tiredly at his face as he went.
“You need to get some sleep. You’re supposed to be taking it easy,” I scolded him gently.
“Look who’s talking,” he laughed.
“She’s right, brother. You look like shit. Go and get some sleep,” Asher agreed with me as he clapped a hand down on Kane’s shoulder
“Fuck,” he growled as he looked to me with frustration. “Fine. My head does hurt like a sonofabitch.” He turned to Adam and Jordan. “Make sure she damn well eats something, and stay with her tonight,” he growled at them.
“Yes dad!” Jordan threw back dryly.
“Jordan…” Kane began, but Adam cut him off.
“Addy will be fine. Calm the fuck down and get some sleep.”
Kane turned to me and gave me a longing look. I wanted him to hold me at least. A kiss like the unexpected one we shared before would have been even better, but instead I just got the stern look, then he turned and stalked from the room.
“What was that all about?” Eli asked as he looked to his brother.
“I think we all need to have a long chat,” Asher said as he looked from the door Kane had stormed through, to Jordan, Adam, and finally me. I knew I was blushing furiously, my face aflame with heat. Asher obviously sensed something between the four of us, and even though we hadn’t technically done anything much, I was filled with guilt. Would Asher and Eli be mad at me for having feelings for their friends? Was I going to mess everything up for all of them? “But it can wait. Let’s get something quick to eat, then head to bed,” Asher added, much to my relief.
That was a conversation I would be avoiding for as long as humanly possible, I decided as I slid from the bed. Asher wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side as we left the room.
“Stop worrying so much, little dot. Everything will work out just fine. I promise you that,” he told me confidently and I chose, for that moment at least, to believe him.