Chapter 40
chapter forty
MARISOL
I sit at a table with seven other models as Chiara stands on the stage, making a speech about this year’s successes for the agency, and what next year is going to look like for all of us.
She talks up each agent’s biggest deals, everyone erupting into applause as we celebrate their incredible achievements, yet I can’t help but feel like all of it is so fucking inconsequential.
I mean, it’s wonderful that some of these deals have been pulled off, with a few Regina models working for some of the biggest names in fashion worldwide.
But what does any of it actually matter?
I’m sitting in a room full of women who have worked themselves to the bone to be in this industry, but in all of these years, what has it given back to us except a hefty bonus in our back pockets?
All we do is show the world how impossible our bodies look, leaving young girls who see us thinking it’s normal, but none of what I’ve been through to get here today was normal.
I think I’ve always known that, but accepted it as the price that comes with the territory. But I don’t know if I want to anymore.
In the last couple of weeks, I haven’t felt any pressure, any weight on my shoulders to be anything, or look a certain way, other than just me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still having to make conscious decisions, every choice a thought process of its own.
But I’ve felt…freer. More like myself than I have in years.
It’s funny the way that works. That sometimes it takes a certain someone being around for our true selves to feel safe enough to exist again. How you can lose that feeling of self without even realizing it, not until you feel your own presence again.
Now that I’ve got it back, I don’t want to let it go.
I clap mindlessly as Chiara walks off the stage, wondering what Leo is doing right now instead.
Whether he’s sitting there scrolling on his phone, deciding which veggies he’s going to plant.
Or whether he’s out with the boys, drinking at Marina’s.
I find myself longing to be wherever he is.
Every second here drags, when just a couple of months ago, I would have loved to be here, sitting with bated breath to hear everything that left Chiara’s mouth.
“Ciao.” Hands land on my shoulders, and when I turn my head, I see Eva standing behind me.
“Hi,” I say, and she crouches down beside my chair.
“I’m glad to see you. I know you wanted to spend time with your niece, so I appreciate you being here.”
A sigh of relief falls from my lips as I smile. At least she gets it. “Thank you.”
She nods, a smile on her face. “Chiara wants to see you, come on.”
I push out of my chair and follow Eva through the room as she leads me to a table where Chiara sits with some of the top agents in the company.
“Ah, Marisol!” She stands as she sees me, pulling me into a warm hug. “It’s so lovely to see you again.”
“And you,” I say. It’s not often models are in contact with the owner of the agency.
“Sit, sit.” She gestures to the chair next to hers, and Eva lays a hand on my shoulder as I sit down before heading over to another table. “I’m so excited to talk with you,” Chiara says. “We have a massive opportunity on our doorstep, and I want you to be involved.”
My stomach churns. “Okay,” is all I can say.
“Regina is doing a massive campaign with a top fashion brand,” she says.
“I can’t disclose who that is yet, but just know, you’ll want to be a part of it.
” I nod, allowing her to carry on. “The campaign is going to be in the Caribbean. They’re working on a brand trip for some influencers, and they want the models to be involved, too.
This is a huge opportunity. We are taking a big group, and we’ll be spending four weeks away. ”
“Four weeks?” I blurt out. Most people would squeal at the idea of four weeks away on a tropical vacation, but all I feel is dread.
“They want this to be an experience, not just a shoot. They want a week and a half to shoot, and the influencer trip will last for a week. We will stay an extra few nights, giving you all a chance to enjoy the island, and then we’ll be making a small detour on the way back to meet Marciano for a photoshoot in London.
He’s working with Burberry, but I want you girls to get new portfolio shots with him.
” My heart races as she speaks, and I don’t know why.
“This year is all about precision. I want everything to be polished, flawless. There is so much to come.”
Flawless. Flawless isn’t real.
Leo’s voice floats into my mind, reminding me of the night he opened up about his accident.
He said he had this moment, like an epiphany, where he was left wondering what he was living for.
Because the job he was working, the life he was living, wasn’t giving him anything in return, so what was the point?
What is the point?
“You don’t have to give me an answer right now,” Chiara says. “I know it’s been a rough year for you so far, but I know you are ready to turn things around. We leave for the Caribbean in three weeks.”