Chapter 13
SLIP
In Maddy’s condo in Vancouver, I tinkered on my guitar, waiting for her to get home from work. There was nothing unusual about late September rain falling constantly, the ocean forming a dark blanket across to the islands, or the busy road noise drifting up from the street below. But the twang tightening in my chest was new. So was the pull in the pit of my gut.
I stared at the pile of notebooks scattered across the chaise. One of Phil’s peeked out from underneath my pads full of lyrics and music. I hadn’t been able to open it. I was too afraid of what it might contain. Phil’s private thoughts. His lyrical prowess. Or just too many heartbreaking memories. But now the faded book called me. Called me in a way I hadn’t anticipated or expected.
It had been a year since my band and I had finished touring. I’d been sober every day since. The craving for a drink or a hit of drugs no longer ruled me. Going out with friends and being around others indulging in booze had gotten easier. I didn’t want to get wasted or wake up hungover. I was good. I had more energy, slept well, and lived healthily. But now my notebooks and Phil’s had sparked a new addiction inside of me...something that burned hotter and brighter every day. Something I had no power over, no control over, no way of stopping ever...The need to work on new music had ignited, and I couldn’t switch it off.
Since moving to Bowen Island, I’d played nearly every day, but I hadn’t written many songs, composed any great tunes, or created anything serious. I’d jotted down random lyrics and notes here and there just to capture what was in my head. But since Maddy had gone back to work in early July, and we’d spent time here in the city, new melodies and words kept me awake at night.
So did Maddy’s unrest.
She hadn’t told me what was bothering her. We talked about anything and everything. There was no problem with our communication. I guessed she needed time to process whatever was troubling her before she could discuss it with me.
I put down my guitar, hauled myself off the sofa, and ambled into the kitchen. I grabbed an alcohol-free beer from the fridge and resumed my position in the living room. As I cracked off the lid, Phil’s notebook caught my attention again.
Shit!
What was with that?
Maybe it was time.
Was I ready to read his words?
I took a sip of my drink, closed my eyes, and inhaled a deep breath. Memories of Phil’s smile and laughter, and us playing music together, danced through my mind. Fuck. I missed him. But grief no longer crippled me. I had a lot to live for. Be grateful for. I’d beaten my addiction. I had a beautiful wife. I had fantastic friends.
The break after the tour and rehab had healed me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was in a good place.
But . . . could I do this? Open his notebook?
Yeah . . . I can.
With a shaky hand, I reached for Phil’s lost lyrics. Sinking back into the sofa, I rested the pad on my legs and ran my hand over the cover. I smirked at Phil’s scraggly, messy handwriting scribbled across the front:
Property of Phil Glover
PRIVATE
FUCK OFF!
I turned to the first page full of inked words, with random lines crossed out and new ones written above them. The page was dated six years ago.
I promised you the world, but somehow that came undone
I promised to love you, but somewhere it all went wrong
I promised to be yours, but something else had a hold on my heart
I promised to stand by you, but every day I fell apart
You deserved to be loved by someone better than me
You deserved to shine, not be held back by the likes of me
You deserved to be happy, something I couldn’t give you
You deserved honesty, and that is why I’m telling you . . .
I loved you
But I was nothing but a fool
I loved you
But I wasn’t strong enough to fight
I loved you
But I let you go to follow your dreams
I loved you
But every day without you kills me inside
Kills me inside
Knowing you could’ve been mine
But the darkness in my mind
Overruled every time
The drink keeps it down dee p
But it has a hold on me
I’m losing my mind as it consumes and binds
Into my soul and takes me into the unknown
I miss the fun that we had
And making love to you in bed
The pills stop the pain
Other girls aren’t the same
There is only one you
But there is nothing I can do
You deserve to be free
Not stuck with someone like me
Every day without you hurts me like hell
Hurts me like hell
I said I’d never leave you, but here I am, all alone
I said I’d be yours forever, but you broke my heart
I said I wanted you to be happy; please pick up the phone
I said I was sorry, but we were doomed all along
I loved you
But I was nothing but a fool
I loved you
But I wasn’t strong enough to fight
I loved you
But I let you go to follow your dream
I loved you
But every day without you kills me inside
Kills me inside
I wiped my hand across my mouth and rubbed the tip of my chin. The backs of my eyes stung.
Shit! Were these lyrics about Tia? Their breakup? Fuck!
We’d all had some tumultuous relationships in the past. We’d all gone through too much heartache and pain. I hoped that was behind us. We’d found incredible partners. We’d settled down. Every time I talked to my friends, everyone seemed happy .
I was.
But as the days passed, it was impossible to ignore the draw I had toward the guys. When we were in the same city, the same venue, the same room, we gravitated toward each other. Our unwavering friendship and music had united us in irrevocable ways. Fuck! For the first time in months, my very bones craved playing with them. My body ached to feel the music reverberating through my veins. My soul hungered for fans to scream our names.
Shit!
I wasn’t ready to go back.
Am I?
I continued through the book, reading song after song. Each one stabbed my heart but filled it with warmth. Phil had been my best friend for fifteen years. I’d always love and remember him, the good times more than the bad.
Then, one page with lyrics and guitar chords written above them caught my eye. I grabbed my guitar and plucked out the tune. I read the words over and over again. What I strummed was Phil through and through. This song could have been about anyone, but deep down, I sensed it was about us guys.
If you’re feeling down, you know you just gotta holler
If you’re happy, I’ll be the first to cheer ya
If you’re sad, I’ll be the shoulder for you to cry on
If you’re in the mood to party, I’ll bring over the liquor
So we can laugh, dance, and drink until your worries disappear
Or we can sing, scream, and shout until the neighbors call the cops in
I’ll stand by you for every up and down we face
We’ll take on the world together, every challenge we’ll embrace
We’ll soar through the stars, never let our feet touch the ground
Let’s rock this life together. You’re the best thing I’ve ever found
I closed the book, rested my head back against the sofa, and hugged my guitar across my chest. Phil had been right. The guys and I had faced every up and down together, we’d taken on the world, and we rocked this life together. We’d all grown, changed, and survived because we had each other.
Fuck . . . I missed them.
I texted them in our group chat.
Me: You read your notebook of lyrics from Phil?
Just started mine.
So many memories. Good and bad.
No one replied. What? It was still weird not knowing where each of them was and what they were doing every day. Everyone was busy doing their own thing. We no longer lived in each other’s pockets. But the growing pull toward them had me on a new edge. One I had to be certain I was ready to face.
The elevator bell dinged. There was a rattle of keys. The front door opened. In walked Maddy. My chest swelled, and my heartbeat did a quick step and a skip just like it did every time she walked into the room. Her smile, full of sunshine, made my day. But today, it wasn’t as bright as normal. Tiredness clouded her eyes.
“Hey, hon.” She dumped her purse on the console table. Ambling toward me, she dragged her feet like they weighed a ton, then sank onto the sofa beside me.
I put my guitar down, hooked my arm around her shoulders, and drew her against my side. I kissed her troubled brow. “Rough day?”
“Long one.” She sighed and snuggled into me. Yep, I knew what twelve-hour-plus days felt like. “Hilary is still in a bad mood. She has been for weeks. She’s ordering retake after retake when we’ve executed scenes perfectly. The writers argue constantly over dialogue cuts, changes, and storyline directions. The girls are distant and seem extra bitchy. I am constantly frustrated. And Mills, who I used to get on so well with, has turned into an asshole. He’s always making rude jokes and smartass comments at me for taking time off, for not handling the gossip that surrounded us when we first got married, and for being Hilary’s pet. He’s trying to be funny, but he’s not.”
“Well, fuck him.” Six months off work had done wonders for our marriage and Maddy’s health. She was no longer bone thin. She ate well. We were solid. But clearly not everyone felt the same way. “Is that what’s been bothering you? I’d love you to break up with your on-screen boyfriend.” I threw her a lopsided, hopeful smirk. “Mills can fuck off the show. I’d be very happy with that.”
I’d have a word with him the next time we saw each other. No one messed with Maddy. What had happened to him being Maddy’s friend outside the show? Maddy loved her castmates and crew, but yeah...something had been off since she’d returned to the studio.
Maddy rested her cheek against my shoulder. “Mills has become arrogant. But it’s not just him. I’ve tried to ignore the show’s changes, and the different vibe on set, and not let anything get to me. But it has. It’s not the same anymore. The dynamic has shifted...died. The fun we used to have as a group has disappeared. Is it me? Or them? Or was I blindsided about how good it was?”
“Mads...you’ve been through a lot.” I rubbed her arm, still overwhelmed sometimes by what we’d endured. “The rough start to our marriage, your health concerns, my stint in rehab, and losing your mom have been a lot to handle. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you need more time off.”
“No. I was ready to go back. It’s just hard when it’s not the same.”
“Been there. Done that.” I’d had similar concerns with my band during our last tour. Being on the road wasn’t the same without Phil, but Lewis had fit in perfectly. He’d become one of us. And now...after time apart, new anxiety had crept into my mind. I was scared the guys and I wouldn’t reconnect in the same way when we got back together. Maddy was clearly going through those motions at work. “Mads, if everything has changed on the show, if people aren’t respecting you, or they’re causing havoc, you don’t have to put up with that.”
“I know. I won’t.” She curled toward me and draped her arm across my waist. I buried my nose into her hair and breathed her in. Mmmm. Mio bel girasole . “This show has been a part of me for so long. I love living here. I love my castmates and crew...well, I did. But it’s like a different world now.”
I played with her long hair and rested my cheek against the top of her head. “Maybe it’s not just the world. Maybe it’s us. We’ve both changed. The best part is we now have each other.”
“Yeah. We do. I love you.” She kissed the small of my neck, then pointed to Phil’s notebook lying open on the chaise. “You writing again?”
“No. That’s Phil’s. It’s the first time I’ve opened it since Tia gave it to me.” I took a deep breath as his words filtered through my head. “It’s been hard to read some of the lyrics. He loved Tia so much, but he was too much of a mess to be serious. Too wild and out for fun. Maybe being too young played its part as well. The drugs, booze, and women certainly did.” I waved a finger toward the book. “But some songs have chords penned in them. I was tinkering with a couple tunes.”
“Can you play something for me?” She eased forward out of my hold. “I’ll grab a drink. You want another one?”
“Sure.”
As Maddy glided over to the kitchen, I picked up my guitar and strummed the strings. The sad, soulful tune I’d been playing filled my head. The notes tweaked and shuffled through my mind. I altered several chords. Reworked the bridge. Yeah...the melody flowed so much better this way.
“Wow.” Maddy returned and slid onto the sofa beside me. “I love that.”
“It’s good, isn’t it? Sad but good.” I plucked at the strings, worked my fingers over the frets. “I’ve tweaked Phil’s chords here and there.”
“You’re so talented.”
“Me? Nah.” I churned out a wicked lick. “I just pick up a guitar and fuck around.”
“Don’t do that.” Maddy slapped my thigh. “You’re gifted. Own it.”
“You’re right.” I nudged my knee against hers. “I’m the fucking shit.”
She smiled over the rim of her drink. “Yes. You are.”
I kept playing, swept up in the reverberations coursing through my fingers. Maddy sat there sipping on her lime-infused mineral water. Her gaze locked onto mine and calmness rained over me. I had music, my beautiful wife...but then my chest twanged again. The need to play with the guys burned hotter.
Fuck !
Maddy smoothed her hand over my leg. Concern hovered low in her tone. “You miss them, don’t you?”
“Who?” Can I play na?ve? Nope.
“The guys. Playing. Hanging out.” Maddy got me.
“Yeah . . . it’s been brewing stronger over the past couple weeks.”
Her brow furrowed. She pursed her lips, then nodded. “It’s been a year. Do you think it’s time? ”
“For what?” I didn’t want to hear it. Admit it. Say it out loud. Do I?
“To get back together. Start writing new material. Record.”
Nausea pooled in my guts. My leg jiggled. “Just thinking about that makes me nervous.”
“Why?” she whispered.
“Like you, what if it’s not the same?” What if we’ve grown apart? What if we didn’t get along anymore? What if we’d changed too much?...What if I can’t make music without getting fucked up?
“It won’t be the same. It will be better.” Reassurance set in her tone. “You guys are inseparable. You need them like they need you. You need music.”
I closed my eyes, pursed my lips, and nodded. But I had to be honest. “Yes, but it’s not just the guys I’m worried about, or the writing and recording—it’s the life that comes with it. It’s the time and commitment. The energy needed. The promo, touring, being on the road. Performing. The parties. The press. I don’t want to fall off the bandwagon. I don’t want to lose you again.”
Sadness swallowed the light in her eyes. “We didn’t handle being apart, did we?”
“No.”
“But we’re in a much better place.” She drew her shoulders back. Love and certainty returned to her gaze. “You’re stronger than you think. You have me, your sponsor, a great therapist, and people around you who love and care about you. I know you can do this. I trust you won’t falter...but I’m here if you do. The difference now is we’re solid. Have faith in us, in yourself, and focus on what is truly important to you.”
I placed my guitar down on the chaise and took Maddy’s hand in mine. “Mads, that’s easy. I live for you, the guys, and music.” I scrunched my eyes shut and tapped the side of my temple. “But I can’t switch this off. Tunes are burning inside my brain. I don’t want to leave you or be apart again. It’s too soon to go back.”
“No, it’s not. I think the fact that you can’t switch it off is a sign you’re ready.” She lowered her chin and fidgeted with my fingers. “We said we’d always be honest with each other, right?”
“Yes.” Shit. Be honest.
With Maddy and myself.
Am I ready to go back?
Fuck!
“So, I’m going to throw something on the table.” She entwined our fingers and rested our hands against her thigh. “It’s been niggling inside my head for a couple weeks, and it won’t go away.”
My stomach twisted into twine. “What?”
“I love living on Bowen Island but not here in the city. I love acting, but my show has changed. My castmates, people who I thought were friends, have shown their shallow, true colors. I don’t want to hang out with them anymore. I love being with you no matter where we are.” She lowered her chin and fidgeted with my beaded bracelet. “I miss Sutton and our friends like crazy. She’s getting married and I’m not there for her. So...next time we’re in LA, I’m going to meet with my agent. It’s time I sniff around for a new role.”
My heart jolted against my ribs. Holy shit! “You want to leave Vancouver Heights ?” I hadn’t seen that coming.
“Yes. I haven’t been happy since day one back on set. This condo doesn’t feel like a home-away-from-home anymore. My priorities have changed. I’ve changed. My life is with you. You need your band. I need something fresh. So...what do you say? Are you ready? Are you ready to go back to LA?”
Whoa! Wait! “Just LA? You don’t want to look at roles that may be filmed in a different state or country? ”
She shook her head slowly. “No . . . just LA.”
The back of my eyes stung. “You want to go home?”
“Yeah . . . it’s time.”
I swept my hand underneath her hair and cradled her neck, and drew her mouth to mine. I kissed her soft lips and breathed her in. With Maddy by my side, I could do anything. This was what we both needed.
“Yes.” I was strong. I was ready. I had Maddy. “It’s time. Let’s go home.”