Chapter 11
A few minutes later, I’m on my way back home.
Micah is behind me.
Neither one of us has said a word.
I’m not angry as much as I’m stunned. Frozen.
And hurt. Really fucking hurt.
I’ve known the man less than two weeks. I should absolutely not be hurt like this. We agreed it was just casual sex between us. It was supposed to be no-strings. That’s why it was safe for me to indulge in this way.
But I sabotaged myself with my own fucking heart because this doesn’t feel casual. What the hell have I been doing to myself?
I wish I’d brought Molly. Sometimes she comes with me to the Market, but it’s really a long walk and she’s always sore afterward, so today I left her at home.
But I need her company right now. At least she’s never betrayed my trust. At least she’s never let me down.
“Are you just done with me then?” Micah finally asks about fifteen minutes after we left the clearing.
“What do you think?” My voice is stiff and icy. I wish I could sound natural so he won’t know how wounded I am, but I simply can’t manage it.
“I get it. You’re pissed I didn’t tell you. But I could tell right away that you didn’t want anything to do with Logan, and I didn’t think it would matter at first because I’d be gone as soon as I could walk. So I didn’t tell you.”
“That I understand. But you kept it a secret for day after day after day. You could have told me… anytime. Even this morning when it was clear you didn’t want to make an appearance at the Market.
Why did you even bother to come out of the woods?
You could have stayed hidden, and I still would never have known. ”
“It sounded like you were in trouble.” His voice is almost bad-tempered now. “What did you think? I’d let you get hurt while I cowered behind a tree?”
“That was a choice.”
“Sure, but it’s not one I’d ever make. You know me, Kat.
Everything you know about me is true. The only thing that’s different is that my people are Logan’s.
I used to work for him back in Saint Louis.
He kept me and Burgundy alive in that year after Impact.
Then we started traveling with him. Then we settled here in the Wild.
Then I lost Burgundy, and I left. Everything is exactly what I told you. ”
I’m breathing fast and loud through my nose, trying to settle the rising emotion. Before Micah showed up, I’d gone years without ever feeling like this. Without emotions drowning me.
I hate it.
I wish I hated him, but I don’t.
“I’m sorry, Kat. I really am. I’ve been wanting to tell you for days, but I was afraid you’d kick me out, and I didn’t want to lose you.
But tell me the truth,” Micah says, walking faster so he can fall into step beside me.
“You know I haven’t been lying to you about everything.
You know I’m still the man you believed me to be. ”
“I thought you were a decent person,” I grit out.
“I told you I wasn’t. I told you I wasn’t a hero. You said you didn’t care.”
“I didn’t think you were a liar.”
“I didn’t—” He cuts himself off, jerking his head to the side as his face contorts briefly, like he’s having to fight to stifle his instinctive objection.
When he does speak, it’s in a hoarse, resigned tone.
“You’re right. I can justify it however I want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I knew from the beginning my connection to Logan would be a deal-breaker for you, and that’s the reason I kept it a secret.
I was wrong. I was the same kind of asshole as the other men in your past. You deserved better from me.
” He lets out a raspy exhale. “I’ll pack up and leave in the morning.
Or as soon as we get back if you want me gone tonight. ”
I don’t respond. I can’t respond. Because his naked admission tears me up even more than his lie.
I have no idea what to do. What to think. How to hold back the storm of emotion that’s currently trapped in my chest and throat and pushing against the backs of my eyes.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Why the hell did he have to take responsibility and apologize in a way that felt so real?
Because I’m simply not as hard-hearted as I’d like to be, and now I’m tempted to forgive him.
The rest of the hike home is long and silent and painful. As much for Micah as for me. I can see it in his face.
Molly comes running toward us when we reach the perimeter of my camp. I’m so torn up I kneel to give the dog a hug, burying my face in her soft fur for a few moments before I pull myself together.
“I’m really sorry, Kat,” Micah mutters, soft and stretched. “You were safe and content here on your own, and I fucked it up for you. I’ll get my stuff and leave.”
A small sob lodges in my throat. I hide my face against Molly again as my shoulders shake a few times.
But I’m composed again as I stand up and look at him.
“No. You can leave in the morning. If you try to travel at night, you’ll end up getting killed and all the work I put into keeping you alive will be wasted. Leave in the morning.”
“Okay. I will.”
We wash up after the long day and fix a quick dinner of bacon, roasted carrots, and a potato. It’s delicious. And by the time we’re sitting near the firepit after we finish eating, it feels almost normal between us again.
Because the shock and pain has faded, and the truth has settled into my mind like the final puzzle piece.
And Micah is right. Nothing about my view of him has really changed. I understand how he and his sister ended up with Logan. Who in their position wouldn’t hook up with a leader strong enough to keep them safe? And I understand why he didn’t tell me at each stage.
I might have made the same decision in his place.
It doesn’t make it right. And it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But the world has been far too hard these past three years—it’s battered all the energy out of me. And I have none left to hold on to a fairly small grievance just for the sake of the grievance.
I can’t fully trust him, but I never did. And I’m not truly angry.
Maybe I’m a weak, spineless sap at heart, but I don’t want to lash out anymore.
“Thank you,” Micah says at last.
“For what?”
“For keeping me alive. For taking care of me when I needed it. For sharing your life with me for even this short a time. It’s meant… It’s meant more to me than I can ever express.”
I gulp over an aching throat.
“If you want to let me have it, you can. You don’t have to hold it inside.”
“I’m not holding it inside. I don’t… I’m not even really angry anymore.”
“I didn’t think you were anymore, but I don’t know why. I was shitty to you.”
“Yeah. But everyone is shitty these days. Aren’t they?”
Micah shrugs, his mouth twitching irrepressibly. “Most of us are.” He clears his throat. “I want to say something, but it’s not to defend myself. I just think you should know. Is that okay?”
“Okay.” I have no idea what to expect.
“Logan isn’t as bad as you’ve been thinking.”
I stiffen.
“I’m not defending myself. Or him. He’s not a good man.
He never does the right thing just because it’s the right thing.
He doesn’t help people out of the goodness of his heart.
I knew that from the beginning. But he’s also not a bad man.
He doesn’t hurt people for the sake of hurting them.
He’s not moral or immoral. He’s… practical.
Always, only practical. And he’s loyal. He takes care of his people. ”
“That part I knew.”
“You compared him to an old-school Mafia boss a while back, and that’s not a completely wrong comparison. But it also doesn’t fully… capture him. He’s not as bad as you’re thinking he is.”
“Okay,” I say slowly. “Why do you think I need to know this?”
“Because you might need him. In the future. Not right now. You’re doin’ great on your own for right now.
But who knows what will happen later on?
You might need someone, and I don’t want you to hesitate to take the help he’d offer just because you believe him to be evil.
He’s not. He’s… hard. I thought he might soften some after we moved into these woods because he discovered he had a baby daughter, but he hasn’t.
In fact, he’s gotten harder. But he’s not heartless.
And Lilah and Deck and a bunch more of his people are good.
Not all of them, but some of them. And they can help you.
If you ever need it, they can help you.”
“I understand. I still don’t think I’ll ever want to go to Logan for help, but I understand what you’re saying, and I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I want. If I’m not around to… to help you, I want you have someone to turn to if you need it.”
“All right. I get it.”
We sit in silence for a minute. I idly stroke Molly’s fur. She’s settled right at my feet.
“Is Deck the big guy who doesn’t speak?” I ask at last in a different tone.
“Yeah. He and Lilah are together.”
“I figured.” After a long hesitation, I ask in a weirdly stretched tone, “They’re your friends?”
“Yes.” His voice is very gruff. “They’re my friends.”
“So why aren’t you with them right now?”
He doesn’t answer. But his dark blue eyes are resting on my face when I risk a glance over at him.
“Don’t pretend it’s me,” I say. “Because you didn’t go to them two weeks ago when you could’ve. You’re avoiding them. You’re not going to go to them tomorrow either, are you?”
He shakes his head.
“Why not?”
“I don’t really know,” he admits, as if the words are hard for him to get out. “I just… can’t be who I was before. Not after I lost Burgundy. They remind me of who I used to be, and I just… can’t.”
I get that. I really do. I understand hiding from pain as much as I understand how the things that happen to us can change the core of who we are.
I reach over to touch his knee very briefly before I withdraw my hand.
The fire is almost out. With a sigh, I stand up. It’s time to check the perimeter and then go to bed.
Micah really is startlingly perceptive. He gives me a sharp look as he stands up too. Then asks softly, “You still want me to leave you in the morning, right?”
I lick my lips. Shift from foot to foot. “I don’t know. I’ll tell you tomorrow.”