Chapter 18
The next day is our weekly trip to Cleverly.
We walk because it’s not far, I’m feeling fine, and Molly can come along. Plus there’s no sense in wasting gas on an easy errand.
Micah hangs outside with Molly as I haggle with Billy and chat with Frankie a few minutes. She tells me Logan’s soldiers have been all over Cleverly lately. Logan and Haskell, who was the county sheriff before Impact and still acts as the community leader, have been in talks.
It seems clear to both me and Frankie that Cleverly will soon be sucked into Logan’s territory.
Damn Logan.
I’m frowning about it as I come out of the bar with my package of provisions, traded for scavenged lotion and medication.
“What’s the matter?” Micah asks when I reach him. “Did something happen?”
“No. The trade was fine. Just Frankie said that Logan’s probably going to take over here too.”
“I’m not surprised.”
I stiffen. “You aren’t?”
“No.” Micah looks slightly wary, as if he’s treading dangerous territory with me.
“I didn’t know about it. His territory didn’t extend this far when I left.
But I don’t think it’s surprising that very small communities want to join up.
He offers much more dependable provisions and protection than anyone else in this region. ”
“Sure. It’s the same reason small businesses used to pay off the neighborhood mafioso.”
“Logan isn’t leaving horse heads in the beds of anyone who crosses him.”
“Maybe not. But he doesn’t actually have anyone crossing him right now, does he? I don’t trust what he’d do if he did. Men like that… I get that he might not have started bad. He was your boss before Impact, and you’re remembering who he was back then. But he’s not the same man anymore.”
“You don’t even know him.” Micah doesn’t sound angry or defensive. Just slightly grumpy.
“Not personally. I only know him by his actions. And that’s what counts with me.
When a man gets as much power as he has, even in a small, deprived, backwoods region like the Wild, he changes.
He always changes. And he might act like a human and pretend to be friends, but when it comes right down to it, he functions like a warlord.
He kills people who act against him. He never gives without expecting something in return.
He’s not a kindly benefactor working from the goodness of his heart. ”
“I know that. I never said he was. He’s practical.
Always practical. Back before Impact, he was at his best in a crisis because he could see the big picture and how to get through it without getting bogged down in fears and doubts.
Now the world has turned into one enormous crisis, and he’s helped so many people survive it. ”
“And is taking over a larger and larger territory as he does it. He’s only been around here for a year and a half. How much power is he going to have ten years from now? What kind of man is he going to be then?”
Micah stares at me, silent but visibly conflicted. Finally he says, “Maybe you should meet him.”
“I don’t want to meet Logan. And even if I did, I’m never going to fall under his spell like everyone else. I never fall for the smooth talkers. I can see right through them.”
This makes Micah chuckle, his expression softening into something fond. “No argument here. All my smooth talk sailed right by you without making the slightest dent.”
I smile back, so we just stand and smile at each other for a minute.
Then Micah gives his head a brief shake. “But anyway, Logan isn’t a smooth talker. He’s blunt and no-nonsense and has never charmed anyone in his life. But there’s more to him than you’re seeing from the outside, and I thought maybe if you met him, you’d recognize it.”
“Maybe.” I say that not because I believe it to be true but because I don’t want to continue the conversation. Micah loved Logan when he was one of his soldiers. Despite everything, it’s obvious he still does.
Damn Logan.
“But I’m not very interested in meeting him,” I add.
“Okay.” Micah’s tone is light now. He’s obviously fine with ending the conversation too. “With my luck, you’d fall in love with him at first sight, and I’d have to go through the rest of my life watching you make goo-goo eyes at him.”
A laugh spills out of me unexpectedly, exactly as Micah intended. A surge of affection rises inside me at the warm, blithe spirit at his core that simply won’t be quenched. I reach over to give him a quick hug.
He’s startled but hugs me back immediately, resisting when I try to pull away.
“Micah,” I complain against his shirt.
“Be kind. Let me have this for a few seconds longer.” His arms are tight around me, and I can’t help but love it.
I lived so long without anything like this.
I hate the idea of living without it again once he’s gone.
“Micah!”
This time the voice saying his name comes from a distance and behind me. We pull apart simultaneously and turn toward the sound.
Lilah. The small, pregnant woman who’s one of Logan’s soldiers.
Micah’s friend.
She’s grinning as she approaches, wearing jeans, an oversized T-shirt, and a gun holster on her belt. Her hair is, as it’s been every time I’ve seen her, in a long, braided ponytail.
Micah’s face brightens as she gets closer. “Where’s Deck?” he asks with a questioning gesture.
“He’s finishing a job for Haskell. He’ll be done soon.”
Well, there’s no question that Cleverly has fallen to Logan. Maybe I shouldn’t be disappointed because everyone needs to decide what’s best for them in this world.
But I am.
“Hey, Kat. I’m Lilah.” The other woman smiles at me with genuine warmth. “We kind of met the other day.”
“I remember. Hi.”
“So y’all are really together?” Lilah asks, turning her attention to Micah.
Something inside me twists reluctantly at the question. Either at the admission of an obvious truth or at anyone else knowing about it. I’m not sure which.
“We’re as together as she’ll let me be,” Micah says easily. “And she doesn’t like nosy questions.”
Lilah giggles. Like me, she doesn’t seem naturally a giggler, but Micah just brings it out in people. “Okay. Got it.” She looks back at me. “Sorry for the nosiness.”
“No worries. How long have you been with Logan?”
“I joined up with him a few months before we moved to this area. I was completely on my own before, and I’m not as brave and competent as you. I wasn’t doing good living by myself, so I really appreciated being adopted into his group.”
Adopted. Not hired or recruited. Like Micah, she obviously views Logan and his people more like family than a business arrangement.
Ridiculously, irrationally, ludicrously, it makes me jealous.
Like they’re all sharing something I’m not a part of.
And it doesn’t matter that I don’t want it. It doesn’t matter that Micah keeps offering it and I continue to reject it.
I still feel kind of left behind.
Micah moves a hand to the middle of my back in a silent gesture. I’m not sure why he’s doing it, but it’s comforting. Supportive.
It makes me feel like I’m not entirely alone.
Lilah misses not a single small detail of what passes between me and Micah, but she doesn’t comment on it. She turns to look at the street behind us, somehow instinctively recognizing that Deck is now in sight.
He was standing and looking around, and his expression comes alive when he finds the object of his search. Lilah. He moves quickly for such a big man, and his smile widens when he sees Micah.
That man has a good heart. He might be with Logan, but he’s nothing like him. I know it for sure. Without question.
Lilah stretches out her hand, and he takes it when he reaches her. He waves a silent greeting at me and then at Micah, pets Molly who comes to him with eager wagging, and then signs something that’s obviously a question.
“He’s asking why you weren’t in Cleverly yesterday,” Lilah says for my and Micah’s benefit. “We thought Thursdays were your day to trade for food.”
“It’s not the same day every week,” Micah explains. “Kat used to come every other week, but I eat too much to make that work, so we just come when we run out of staples.”
I huff in amusement at his choice of words and take his arm casually, wondering where this instinct to stay physically connected to him has even come from. “Were you here yesterday looking for us?”
Deck nods with his head and his hand as Lilah says, “We were. We didn’t want you to disappear on us again.”
“Did Logan ask you to look for me?” Micah asks, his voice as light as ever but his arm tensing slightly.
“No,” Lilah says quickly. “He was happy to know you’re okay, but there’s no pressure from him to join up again.” When Deck makes a few more signs, she interprets. “Deck says Logan has been worried about you. He really has.”
Micah mumbles, “Okay. I believe you.”
Deck signs again, and Lilah says, “Deck wants to know if y’all want to hang out with us sometime. To catch up and so we can get to know Kat.” She turns to meet my eyes. “Not as a ruse to pull you into Logan’s circle. Just because we love Micah, and we’ve really missed him.”
I believe her, and I’m not nearly as defensive about the invitation as I would have expected to be.
When I glance up at Micah, he’s looking at me. Waiting to see what I’ll say. Leaving the response to me.
“Uh, yeah, that would be okay, I think.” I sound and feel kind of hesitant, but I’m rewarded by Micah’s warm smile.
“You can come to our place if you want,” Lilah says, clearly thrilled by my agreement. “Or, if it’s too long a trek, we can meet somewhere in the middle? We’d come to your place, but I understand you’d rather keep that private.”
Deck signs something, and Lilah says, “Oh, yeah, we can come pick you up so you don’t have to walk all the way to our place.”
“We’ve got a motorcycle now,” Micah says. He looks at me. “It will be a couple of hours to drive there. So if you’d rather we just meet them somewhere—”
“No, that sounds fine. I don’t mind. What day?”