Chapter 20
An hour later, Lilah and I are lounging on a blanket in a sunny spot while the men are cleaning up.
That was Deck’s idea—he treats pregnant Lilah like she’s made of fragile glass—but Micah was happy to go along with the plan.
“Are you scared?” I ask Lilah when I see her rubbing her belly.
“Yes,” she admits, turning her head in my direction.
“Sometimes I’m absolutely terrified. I mean, I’m as healthy as anyone could hope for, but that doesn’t mean everything will go right.
But there’s an experienced midwife in the area, and she’s going to help when it’s time.
We can’t stop living just because we’re scared. ”
“Yeah. I guess that’s right. You and Deck are going to be great parents. I know that at least.”
“Thank you. I hope so. Deck was born to be a father, and I think I’ll learn to be a mom. You don’t want one yourself? Micah would be a pretty good dad.”
I gulp. Stare up at the flickering sun through the canopy of trees. “Micah and I… we aren’t like that. We’re not like you and Deck.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, we’re not together that way.”
Lilah is silent for long enough to make me glance over to check her face. She’s frowning thoughtfully. “Does Micah know that?”
“Yes. Of course he does. We’ve been honest with each other—about that kind of thing anyway. We’re having a good time, but we’ve never talked about a future.”
“I bet if you talked to him about it, he’ll be all in for a future with you. I’ve known Micah for a while now, and I’ve never seen him gone on anyone or anything the way he’s gone on you.”
The soft, fragile heart of me feels like squirming in pleasure at that comment. But it also embarrasses me. Scares me.
I want—I need—to brush it away.
Make it not as serious as it sounds.
“He seems like the kind to fall fast and hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s forever.” When Lilah starts to object, I talk over her since I can’t let myself hear what she’s saying right now. “Anyway, it’s all new. We’re good together right now, and that’s all that matters for the moment.”
There’s a lot more Lilah wants to say that’s visible on her face, but she swallows it back. “Okay. I just want Micah to be happy. And now that I know you better, I’d kind of like that for you too.”
“Thank you. I mean it.”
We smile at each other and are silent for a few minutes while I try to settle my mind again around the presence of Micah, who seems to have taken over a far larger part of my mind and heart than is safe.
Maybe it’s those thoughts or maybe it’s because I need a change of topics, but I end up asking Lilah softly, “Can you tell me what happened with Burgundy?”
The other woman lifts her head and looks back to check the cabin, but Deck and Micah are still inside.
“We were on a job down south several months ago. A gang down that way had invaded our territory and stolen some of our vehicles and ammunition. So Logan sent some of us down there to get them back. It should have been fine. We took them by surprise, and there were enough of us to handle it. But sometimes unpredictable things happen in a fight.” She sighs, her throat working slightly.
She clearly loved Burgundy too.
“We had it under control, but another group arrived just then from behind us, so we were surrounded. We fought our way out and ran, and Burgundy just… disappeared. We searched for her afterward. Logan came down himself, and we hit the gang again. That time, we took them out, but Burgundy wasn’t there.
She wasn’t anywhere. We had to come home. We had to.”
Her voice is hoarse as she repeats the words like she’s trying to convince herself.
“She was my best friend,” Lilah adds.
“What do you think happened to her?”
“She must have been killed, and they disposed of her body. If she survived with the gang or got away somehow, we would have found her.”
“But Micah kept looking?”
“He wouldn’t come home with us. He refused.
He blamed himself even though it wasn’t his fault.
He wasn’t even in the same part of the action as Burgundy.
He could have done nothing to save her. But he blamed himself anyway, and he kept looking while the rest of us went home.
I kept waiting for him to come back, but he never did. ”
“Until now.”
“Until now. Although he’s not really back even now.”
“No. It’s like he’s in a holding pattern.”
“Yeah.” Lilah lets out another long breath. “Guilt will do that to you, I guess. No matter how irrational the guilt.”
“Yes. I think that’s it. So she was lost down south of us?”
“Yeah. It was near the bend of the river. Have you been that far down before?”
“No. I haven’t had a vehicle all this time, so I couldn’t go that far even if I’d wanted to.”
I don’t say it, but I wouldn’t go south anyway. Not for any reason. The Holy Compound is down that way, and the Holy Rollers have been known to snatch up women alone and trap them until they submit to being elders’ wives.
It was less than two months ago that one had snuck into this area to grab that woman I saved with her son on the road.
I wouldn’t want to be anywhere close to their compound.
A woman might be taken there and never get out.
I sit up abruptly, my heartbeat jumping into a gallop.
“What is it?” Lilah asks, sitting up too but more slowly.
I open my mouth. Shut it again. Shake my head. The idea is too new. Too unformed. It would raise hopes and put things into motion that might end up crushing Micah again.
I’m not going to do that to him. Not until I know more.
If this was a truly good idea, someone else would have thought of it before.
“Nothing. Sorry. Just a weird start.”
Lilah doesn’t look like she believes me. “Are you sure? It looked like you were hit by a freight train.”
“It kind of felt that way, but I’ve got to talk to Micah first.”
“Okay.” She looks like she’s going to say more, but her eyes move to the cabin. Deck and Micah are coming our way.
“Why does Kat look tense?” Micah asks, frowning at Lilah. “You haven’t been interrogating her or being pushy, have you?”
“No, I haven’t!”
“She hasn’t,” I add to Lilah’s denial. “In fact, if anything, I’ve been interrogating her.”
“Oh. Well, that’s okay then.” He extends a hand to help me to my feet. Then he pulls me into a soft hug. “I missed you.”
I laugh as I pull away. “You were inside exactly twenty minutes.”
“That’s too long, as far as I’m concerned.”
That evening, Micah and I have sex before bed—just simple, satisfying missionary because it’s been a long day and I’m still distracted by the thought that occurred to me this afternoon.
Maybe… maybe… Could it be possible?
Afterward, Micah holds me against him and strokes my hair and back. After a few minutes, he murmurs, “Aren’t you ever going to tell me what it is?”
“What what is?”
“You know what. Whatever got to you this afternoon when you were talking to Lilah. Did she upset you? Make you skittish about me?”
“No! No, nothing like that.” I’ve thought and thought and thought, and I’m simply not going to crush Micah again by offering him hope that might not pan out. So I say slowly, “I was… I was asking her about what happened with Burgundy.”
He tenses briefly before he relaxes. “Oh.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have pried, since you haven’t wanted to tell me much.”
“It’s… it’s okay. It’s not that I don’t want you knowing details. It’s just that it’s… it’s really hard for me to talk about.”
“I know it is.”
I nestle against his big, warm body, and he tightens his arms like he needs to comfort.
“What did she tell you?” he asks at last.
“Just about what happened. You were down south near the bend of the river and got hit from behind when you were attacking that gang. And Burgundy got lost, and you refused to go home.”
“Most of that you already knew.”
“I know. She just told me some more details. Who was the gang?”
“I don’t know. Roaming raiders but not with a drove. They were just moving through the area when they hit Logan’s territory, so we had to follow them south to hit back.”
“And you took out the gang completely when Logan came down to retaliate?”
“Yes. They all were killed.”
“And you checked all the communities around in case she went to them for help?”
“Yes. I checked everywhere she could have reached on foot, and then I kept going down the river just in case she got swept away or something. I asked everywhere I went. Every small township and community I saw. No one had seen a trace of her.”
“Would they even know who you were looking for?”
“I think so. A woman as good-looking as my sister all alone would have gotten noticed. Plus, when she was lost, she had dyed pink streaks in her hair.”
“Really? How did she manage that? Did she scavenge some hair dye?”
“Yeah. Well, no, not her personally, but some of Logan’s guys brought back a haul from an old drugstore.
Most of the really useful stuff had already been looted, but there was a bunch of makeup and beauty stuff.
Burgundy was so excited. She had to try like three different times to get the pink she wanted, but she was so happy when it was done.
She always managed to hold on to her smile even when things were the worst, but she was so happy that evening. ”
There’s a bittersweet note in his hoarse voice that makes my chest ache. I stroke his beard, the only comfort I can think of.
“So anyway, the pink streaks were an easy thing to ask about. If it was possible to find her, I would have found her.”
“Yeah. That makes sense.”
He didn’t get as far as the Holy Compound. It would still be quite a distance away—much too far without a vehicle.
But they’ve been known to drive around and bring women back.
It’s a long shot. A very slim possibility. But it’s something, and it would explain why and how she completely disappeared from the face of the earth.
“What are you thinking?” Micah asks in a different tone.
“Nothing.”
“You’re thinking something. You’ve gotta know I can tell.”
He can. He can read me better than anyone ever has, even when I don’t say a word.
“It’s just a lot of new information whirling in my mind,” I say. “I need to process it. But it’s nothing bad.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’re not gonna get scared and push me away?”
“Not if I can help it.”
He nuzzles my hair. “Please don’t, baby. I don’t think I can make it without you anymore.”
I awaken a couple of hours before dawn the next morning. Micah is sound asleep. I get up carefully and pull on my clothes, raising a finger to keep Molly still when she lifts her head to see what’s happening.
She understands I want her to stay, so she does.
I’d love to take my dog with me. I’d love to take Micah. But all this time I’ve always done things on my own, and that’s how it’s worked best.
So I’m going to do this alone too.
When I’m outside, I scrawl out a quick note and leave it in the crack of the camper door for Micah.
Then I take my pack, my rifle, hunting knife, and my handgun, and I climb on the motorcycle to drive away.
On the note I wrote this:
Leaving to check something out. Take care of Molly for me. I’ll be back before dark. I’ll explain then. Kat.