Chapter 27
27
Will looks every inch as miserable as I feel as we make our way back to the house. Things aren’t improved when we find that, instead of resting in bed as he normally is on a Sunday afternoon, Jonathan is in the kitchen with a stern expression on his face.
‘And just how long have you two been spying on me?’ he asks as we come through the back door.
‘It’s not spying, Dad,’ Will says guiltily. ‘I was just showing Tilly the helicopter.’
‘Nonsense.’ Jonathan cuts him off. ‘You must think I was born yesterday. Did you seriously think I didn’t know what you were up to? I’ve watched you sneak out there every week since I got home.’
Will sighs. ‘I’m sorry. I just liked seeing that you were getting back out there, that’s all.’
To my surprise, Jonathan swaps the stern expression for a smile. ‘It’s fine. You’re welcome out there any time – you don’t need to wait until my back is turned. You too, Tilly, as long as neither of you touches anything. Audrey’s a sensitive beast, and the slightest thing could mess her up.’
‘We noticed she’s got her name painted on her,’ Will says. ‘Is that new?’
‘Yes. It seemed appropriate after the trouble I went to to track down her namesake.’
Will stares at his father. ‘You did what?’
‘Well, I was curious after we talked about her the other day. Nothing inappropriate, I just wanted to see if I could find out what happened to her. So I did a bit of online sleuthing. Turned out she wasn’t hard to find.’
‘And?’ I ask.
‘She’s still alive and living in Australia. Married twice, divorced twice. Works as an airline pilot for Qantas flying long-haul routes, although she’s about to retire, which she’s dreading.’
‘This is rather more than you’d get from a bit of online stalking,’ I observe.
‘Yes. I sent her a Facebook friend request and we ended up having a chat,’ he admits. ‘I told her about the helicopter and why I’d named it after her, and we had a good laugh remembering some of the scrapes we got into. So I painted the name on and sent her a picture, which she liked. She’s coming over in a couple of weeks, and we might meet up while she’s on layover.’
‘Bloody hell, Dad!’ Will exclaims. ‘Were you going to tell me about this at any point?’
‘I’m telling you now. Were you going to admit to sneaking around in my workshop at any point?’
‘It just seems very quick, that’s all. I mean, after Mum and everything.’
‘I’m only going to meet her for a coffee or maybe lunch, Will. I thought you’d be pleased that I was getting my life back on track and meeting up with friends.’
Will sighs. ‘I am. Really. Sorry, it just came as a bit of a surprise.’
‘Look on the bright side,’ I tell him. ‘It saves us having to track her down.’
Jonathan raises his eyebrows. ‘You were going to track her down too? Seems there’s quite a lot of things going on behind everyone’s backs lately.’
‘I merely suggested to Will that he might like to see if he could find her,’ I explain, feeling my cheeks heating as the blush spreads across them. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything, sorry.’
‘Relax, Tilly.’ Jonathan smiles. ‘It seems great minds think alike.’
‘And fools seldom differ,’ Will retorts with a rueful smile. ‘Anyway, I’ve just been explaining to Tilly why the whole online searching thing isn’t such an easy task for me.’
‘And I get it,’ I tell them both earnestly. Maybe this is my opportunity to reassure Will, and I don’t want to waste it. ‘I mean, I don’t fully get it, obviously, because I’m not a dyslexia expert, but I understand why Will feels the way he does, particularly after his previous experiences.’
Jonathan’s expression is so full of love as he looks at his son that it makes me feel slightly awkward, like I’m intruding on a private moment. ‘It’s not been easy for him,’ he says softly. ‘He had a terrible time at school, because there just wasn’t the support and understanding of dyslexia that there is now. People treated him like he was just stupid, which obviously isn’t true. But then he discovered his art and, of course, the video making. I’m so proud of the way he’s coped with everything and found a job that doesn’t let the dyslexia hold him back. I probably haven’t said that enough. Your mum was proud too.’
Never mind my embarrassment, Will looks like he wants the earth to open up and swallow him.
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ Jonathan says to him, suddenly robust once more. ‘Come here, you idiot.’
I have to laugh as Jonathan wraps his son in a hug and Will mouths ‘Help’ at me over his shoulder. He may be uncomfortable with this sudden display of physical affection from his father, but I’m relieved that it seems to have broken the tension that’s been sitting between us since our conversation in the workshop.
‘So, what happens now?’ Jonathan asks when he finally releases a mortified Will.
‘What do you mean?’ Will asks him.
‘Well, you’ve told Tilly about your dyslexia and, from what I can see, she doesn’t seem spooked. You like her. She likes you…’
‘Whoa!’ Will holds up his hand. ‘Back right off, old man. I’ve also explained about Cass, or have you forgotten her?’
‘I wish I could. But anyone can see that Tilly’s nothing like Cass, Will. If you let your experience with her hold you back, then she’s still controlling you. Is that what you want?’
‘No, but?—’
‘You two have been dancing around each other pretty much from the moment Tilly first set foot in this house. Now that everything’s out in the open, there’s nothing to hold you back.’
A lump forms in my throat. Everything isn’t out in the open, but do I actually need to tell Will about my disastrous relationship with Luke? It’s in the past, but I feel I want to be totally honest with him and, as we all seem to be speaking our minds today, maybe now is the time.
‘Actually, Jonathan, there is something else Will and I ought to talk about,’ I begin carefully. ‘Can we borrow your workshop again, please?’
‘By all means. Just don’t touch anything, especially Audrey.’
* * *
‘What an absolute bastard.’ Will’s face is a mask of outrage. ‘To be honest, I’m just as cross with his mother. Fancy putting you through that. Sadistic old bat.’
I’ve held nothing back, including the meeting with Cindy, and I’m almost amused that this is the part of the story that Will has latched on to most strongly.
‘I think she believed it was the only way to get him to confront reality.’
‘Bollocks. She was manipulating the situation to cause maximum distress to everyone involved. Who wins in a situation like that? You came out of it completely humiliated, as did Cindy. She should have just told you he was married and warned you off, like a normal person would.’
‘But then he’d have got away with it.’
‘Maybe, maybe not. But that wasn’t your problem, was it? His relationship with his wife was nothing to do with you. The evil mother should have given you the choice about how you ended things with him, not stuck her nose in and set up some kind of Agatha Christie-style unmasking.’
‘What if he’d just moved on to someone else though? I’d have felt responsible, knowing that I could have done more to stop him.’
Will sighs. ‘Someone like that isn’t going to stop, that’s the reality. I’m no psychologist, but the way he tried to gaslight his way out of it shows that he’s never going to accept any responsibility. Which is another reason I’m so angry with his mother. She must have known what he was like and how he was going to react. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced she set the whole thing up just for a bit of entertainment.’
‘Bit harsh, Will.’
‘Didn’t you think it was weird?’
‘I was busy trying to keep on top of an avalanche of shit. I didn’t really have mental capacity to analyse it the way you have.’
‘Fair point. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make it sound like you’re to blame for any of it. I’m just really angry on your behalf.’
‘Anyway,’ I begin, anxious to move the conversation along now that I’ve told him what I need to. ‘You’ll hopefully understand now that I need to ask you if you have a wife and several beautiful children hiding anywhere that I ought to know about.’
To my relief, this is enough to break his mood. He smiles, crinkling his beautiful eyes. ‘I can assure you that I don’t,’ he tells me. ‘What about you?’
‘Just me,’ I assure him. ‘And as far as your dyslexia is concerned, I may not know much about it now, but I’m willing to learn.’
His smile widens into a grin. ‘I can’t believe Dad pulled out all that “I’m proud of you, son” stuff back there. So embarrassing.’
‘I thought it was rather sweet.’
‘What do you think the deal is with him and this Audrey? Should I be worried?’
‘It sounds innocent enough.’
‘Mmm. I know I joke about Gina because she so obviously has the hots for Dad, but that feels safe because I know he’s not interested in her. The idea of him actually dating though…’
‘I don’t think it’s a date,’ I reassure him. ‘It sounds to me more like two old friends meeting up to reminisce about the past.’
‘But they used to be lovers.’
‘A long time ago.’
‘They’re both free agents,’ he persists.
‘And she’s a pilot who lives on the other side of the world. As someone who’s dated a pilot in the past, I can tell you that the lifestyle doesn’t mix that well with relationships, and that’s when they live in the same country as you.’
‘Oh, God. What if she persuades him to move out there to be with her?’
I laugh. ‘Slow down, tiger! They’re meeting for a drink, not moving in together.’
He sighs. ‘You’re right. Do you think I should go along though, just in case?’
‘I don’t think your dad will appreciate being chaperoned. You need to trust him.’
‘He’s vulnerable.’
‘For God’s sake! You’re as bad as each other, you two. First I have your dad warning me about you, and now you’re getting all overprotective of him. He’ll meet this Audrey, they’ll have a chat, she’ll go back to Australia and maybe they’ll keep in touch. I don’t think your dad is interested in any more than that. Look at it this way: he’s just starting to emerge from his shell after a really tough time. It’s a good thing, isn’t it?’
‘What do you mean, Dad warned you about me?’
‘Did you hear the rest of what I just said?’
‘He’s got no business?—’
‘And neither have you. That’s my point. Let it go. You’re protective of each other, which is nice, but don’t stifle each other in the process, hmm?’
He stares at me for so long without speaking that I’m starting to wonder if I’ve said too much. Just as I’m about to break the silence by backing down, he opens his mouth.
‘I guess we have become a little bit enmeshed.’
‘I think enmeshed is too strong. You’ve both been through a lot and you’ve pulled together amazingly well. I love how you look out for each other.’
‘But it’s time to step back. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?’
‘I’m just saying give him room. He’ll be OK.’
‘And what about you and me?’
I’m unprepared for the question, even though it’s been hanging in the air since we came out here.
‘What do you want?’ I ask him after a pause.
He sighs. ‘I wish that were an easy question to answer. What if I’m not enough for you? What if I’m too much? I don’t exactly have a rich tapestry of relationship experience to draw on and the little I have was hardly positive, as you know. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.’
‘Who says you’re going to ruin anything? You say you’re scared you might be too much, or not enough, but that’s not what I see. I see a man who stepped up when his father needed him. I see a man who has worked his socks off to overcome a significant obstacle. I see a man who my nephew idolises and my sister, I kid you not, instructed me to marry immediately having only met you once.’
‘She didn’t!’
‘I think she was joking, but I wouldn’t be completely sure. The point, Will, is that the more I find out about you, the more there is to like. Maybe you need to trust that you’re enough as you are and have more faith in yourself. And me, actually.’
We stand there for a minute, awkwardly digesting our revelations. Part of me is screaming for him to just take me in his arms and kiss me, but I know that’s not Will’s way. In fact, I realise with a shudder, that’s more the kind of thing that Luke would have done. Will needs time, and I’m going to need to learn to take things slowly and be patient. I can do that, as long as he doesn’t take forever. He’s looking at me with those extraordinary eyes, but his expression is soft. On impulse, I take a step towards him and open my arms. Another step forward and I’m closing them around his back and turning my head to the side so I can press into his chest. There’s the briefest of pauses before his arms come up to wrap around me in return, and we’re there. I can feel his face sinking to the top of my head as he breathes in, and it’s all I can do not to sigh with pleasure. His heart is thumping strongly through his coat and I’m fighting the urge to undo the zipper and burrow inside to get closer to it. Is he going to kiss me, I wonder? I’d really like him to, but I’m not going to force anything. Just being here is enough for now. The rest can wait.