Chapter 32
32
How can it be February already? Christmas feels like a long-distant memory, but don’t they say that time flies when you’re having fun? And Will is a lot of fun. Not just in the bedroom, although that side of things is very satisfactory indeed, thank you. No, it’s more than that. It’s his zest for life, the way his eyes sparkle when something amuses him. It’s?—
‘Tilly.’ Dr Patel’s voice rattles me out of my Will-inspired daydream and I focus back on the patient’s notes that I’m updating on the system. ‘There’s a patient in bay three I want you to look at. Sexual injury. You know how they give me the ick.’
I look up and she rolls her eyes at me.
‘Honestly,’ she continues. ‘Why can’t these people find less revolting hobbies, like knitting or something?’
‘Knitting can be pretty dangerous,’ I remind her. ‘Remember that guy whose wife shoved a needle in his eye after he criticised the scarf she made him for Christmas?’
She shudders. ‘All right. You have a point. I still don’t like sexual injuries though. They make me feel grubby.’
I smile. ‘Have you got the notes?’
‘Yup.’ She hands me a sheaf of papers and I have a scan through. Something about the name looks familiar, but I’m struggling to place it.
‘I think we’ve seen this guy before,’ I say to Dr Patel as I enter his details on the computer and click to search. Sure enough, an entry comes up.
‘Got him. Maurice Waters.’ I study the entry. ‘He was the one with the washer on his penis, do you remember?’
‘You mean he’s done this kind of thing before? What’s the matter with him? You’d think he would have learned his lesson.’ She pauses to think for a moment. ‘Was he the one with the nickname for his penis? Something to do with a car?’
‘You’re right,’ I tell her as the memory comes back. ‘Maurice Minor.’
‘Bloody idiot. Let’s go and see what he’s done to himself this time. You’d better lead. I don’t trust myself not to say something I might regret.’
‘Good evening, Maurice,’ I say brightly as I pull back the curtain so Dr Patel and I can enter the bay. ‘I’ve just been checking my notes and it seems we’ve met before. What’s the problem this time?’
‘It’s, umm, a piece of specialist equipment I bought off the internet,’ Maurice says, blushing furiously. ‘It broke at a critical moment and I can’t get it off.’
‘I see. Do you mind if I take a look?’
He nods, and I gently lower the blanket that’s covering his nether regions to find his penis encased in some kind of test tube, with a small piece of rubber hose dangling from the closed end.
‘What on earth is that?’ Dr Patel asks.
‘It’s a penis enlarger,’ Maurice explains, not looking her in the eye. ‘You place it over and pump the air out. It’s supposed to encourage blood to flow in and, well, make it grow.’
‘Why?’
Now it’s Maurice’s turn to look confused. ‘Because I wanted to upgrade Maurice Minor,’ he says as if it’s obvious. ‘I was hoping to make him into Maurice Eight.’
‘Is that another classic car model?’ I ask, confused myself now.
‘Yes, only the eight in his case refers to inches, not horsepower.’
‘Right, so you bought this suction device…’
‘It had good reviews. It was either that or surgery to cut the ligaments.’
‘Why don’t you just leave the poor thing alone?’ Dr Patel demands. ‘If you do your research, you’ll find that there’s actually very little variation in erect male penis size, regardless of differences during flaccidity.’
Maurice sighs. ‘I just wanted him to look a bit more impressive, that’s all. There are these guys at the gym I go to, and they’re all much bigger than I am. It makes me feel a bit insecure.’
‘I refer you back to my previous remarks,’ Dr Patel informs him curtly. ‘Right, let’s see about getting this thing off before it does any serious damage. What happened?’
‘So, you’re supposed to pump the air out with the rubber bulb that’s usually on the end of that hose,’ Maurice tells her. ‘You leave it for a set length of time to do its work, and then squeeze the valve at the other end of the tube to release the vacuum.’
‘Right.’
‘Only nothing happened when I squeezed the valve. I tried all sorts of things. I even cut the bulb off, but it didn’t make any difference. I tried to pull the whole thing off, but that just hurt like hell.’
‘Let me have a look,’ I tell him. I gently lift the tube containing his swollen penis and locate the valve he mentioned. Sure enough, when I squeeze it, nothing happens.
‘We’re going to have to find another way to release the vacuum,’ I say to Dr Patel. ‘The issue is that the penis has completely filled the inside of the tube, so we don’t have any safe space to drill a hole.’
‘What do you propose?’ she asks.
‘I think our only option is to try to go through the valve. The head of the glans is just beneath it, so we’re going to have to go millimetre by millimetre to avoid damage. We’ll need one of us to hold the penis steady while the other one drills.’
Dr Patel contemplates the unpleasant choice for a minute. ‘I’ll hold,’ she says. ‘You drill.’
‘Please be careful,’ Maurice implores.
‘I think you can be assured we’re going to be a lot more careful with your sexual organs than you have been,’ Dr Patel retorts frostily. ‘Right. Are we ready?’
It’s an agonisingly slow process. The valve appears to be made of stern stuff and I’m having to apply a lot more pressure than I want to, which makes the risk of it suddenly giving way and causing me to plunge the drill into the head of Maurice’s penis worryingly high. I also need to stop every few seconds to check where I am. Eventually, to my enormous relief, we’re rewarded with a soft hiss, and the tube slips off Maurice’s penis.
‘Thank you so much,’ he breathes, reaching for his underpants.
‘Not so fast,’ I tell him. ‘I need to check you haven’t done any damage. Something like this could cause burst blood vessels and all sorts of problems.’ I turn his penis over in my hand and I’m relieved to see that there aren’t any telltale purple areas. ‘It looks like you’ve got away with it this time,’ I say as I cover him back up with the blanket. ‘You may experience some discomfort, but that should be manageable with over-the-counter medication. If the pain becomes intense, or you get any swelling, you’re to come straight back in, OK?’
‘Yes. Thank you.’
‘Right. We’ll leave you to get dressed and then you can go home. And Maurice?’
‘Yes?’
‘For goodness’ sake, leave your penis alone. It’s fine as it is.’
‘OK, thanks, nurse.’
‘Do you think he’s learned his lesson this time?’ Dr Patel asks as I start to update Maurice’s notes on the system.
‘I hope so. I don’t really get why men are so insecure about it. A penis is a penis, really, isn’t it? They all look broadly similar and do the same job.’
Dr Patel smiles broadly. ‘I’ll take your word for it. Talking of which, how is the boyfriend?’
‘I’m not sure I like that link, but everything is going very well, thank you. Did I tell you he and his father came over for Christmas?’
‘Brave. How did that go?’
‘Well, actually, I was a bit worried because my family can be a bit full-on, but he’s got a very strong bond with my nephew and I think that made them all fall in love with him, even the parasites.’
‘The who?’
‘Sorry, my stepbrother and -sister. They were there with their families as well, plus my mother invites pretty much anyone she thinks might be on their own. It’s a real bunfight.’
‘It sounds it. Is the father fully recovered now?’
‘Yes, he’s on excellent form. He’s really thrown himself into his hobbies and having Will around is good for both of them. I think my mum’s friend Brenda has taken a bit of a shine to him as well. She was getting distinctly predatory at Christmas.’
‘Good. Thinking of which, I have a somewhat delicate question I need to ask you.’
‘Yes?’
‘We’ve received a reference request for Dr Milne, from a hospital in Bournemouth.’
I pause my data entry, trying to work out how that piece of information makes me feel. I haven’t given Luke a thought in months, and I’m pleased to find that his name doesn’t trigger anything in me now.
‘I see,’ I tell her carefully. ‘I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.’
‘Yes, but what do I say?’
‘Tell them the truth.’
‘I can do that from a work perspective. He’s a talented doctor, if a loose cannon, but oddly there isn’t a box where I can fill in his predilection for seducing female nurses. Do you think I should include a covering letter?’
‘I wouldn’t bother. He’ll wriggle his way out of any uncomfortable questions like he always does.’
‘It just doesn’t sit well with me, knowing what I know.’
‘As everyone kept telling me at the time, his questionable morals aren’t my, or our, problem, especially as he didn’t actually do anything that technically constituted misconduct. I was a willing participant slash idiot.’
She sighs. ‘I suppose you’re right. I’ll leave you to finish that and then we’d better hand over to the night shift. Thanks, Tilly.’
As I make my way up to reception to walk to the car park, I let my mind wander on to Luke. I still don’t fully agree with Will’s assessment of Richenda, but I’m definitely in agreement that it was a very strange way to go about things in hindsight. I wonder how Cindy is getting on. I hope she’s OK.
‘Tilly!’ a familiar voice calls and I can feel my face breaking out into a smile before I even spot the owner.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask as Will crosses the lobby and wraps me in one of the hugs I’ve got so used to.
‘Well, two things actually. One, we landed the car company contract so I hoped you might help me celebrate.’
‘That’s brilliant, well done!’
He takes my hand and we resume crossing the lobby. ‘Yeah, I’m particularly pleased as they took on board my points about inclusivity so we’re going to include sign language and subtitles.’
‘Nice. What about audio description?’
‘If you can’t see, you probably ought not to be driving.’
‘Good point. What was the second thing?’
‘I thought you might be feeling a bit down and want some company. Mike and Sarah moved out today, didn’t they?’
‘Oh, yes, I’d completely forgotten.’
‘How can you forget something like that? It must have been a hell of a shift.’
‘Mm. We had an interesting sexual injury and I guess it kind of distracted me.’
‘Really? Do I want to know?’
‘Probably not.’
He smiles. ‘Anyway, I’ve got a bottle of champagne in my backpack and I thought we could order a takeaway.’
‘That sounds perfect. I’ll see you at home, shall I?’
‘Ah, yes. There’s a third thing.’
‘Which is?’
‘It’s presumptuous, I know, but my car is already outside your flat.’
‘How did you get here then?’
‘On the bus. It took me a while to work out the timetables and things, but I got there in the end. I wanted to share the journey home with you in case you were sad.’
I stop walking so I can look at him. ‘Hang on. You did online text research, just so you could come to meet me and ride home with me?’
His expression is triumphant. ‘Yup.’
I pull him close to me and squeeze him hard. ‘You have no idea how much that means to me. I’m so lucky to have you.’
‘It’s what you do when you love someone, isn’t it?’
‘It’s what you do,’ I say before the second half of his sentence hits home, causing me to pull back and look at him again. ‘Whoa, did you just drop the L bomb?’
His smile broadens. ‘I may have done. It’s OK. You don’t have to say anything back. I’m not insecure.’
‘Bollocks to that,’ I tell him firmly, reaching up to kiss him. ‘I love you too, Will Barwell.’
‘That’s nice to hear,’ he murmurs when we break off. ‘Now, Indian or Chinese?’
‘And they said romance was dead,’ I laugh as we step out into the chilly night air and head for the car park.