Chapter 10
I spent my night tossing and turning. The sheets were mostly on the floor when I awoke.
My eyes felt heavy, but I was restless. There was no need to stay in bed, so after a long yawn, I raised my tired limbs from the bed.
I glanced in the mirror and noticed the bags under my eyes, hoping a cup of coffee would help me wake up.
During the night, I put Reign in her own bed. I grabbed my sheets off the floor, then headed to her room. I gently turned the knob, and it creaked as it opened. Through the slight opening, I could see her sleeping peacefully. I was glad at least one of us got some sleep.
After leaving Reign, I went down to the kitchen. The coffee pot was still hot, and I grabbed a mug out of the cupboard to make myself a cup. After my first sip, I felt better. The front door was open, so I went to join Nana on the porch. When I opened the door, she looked up and smiled.
“There goes my favorite girl,” Nana greeted me.
I took a seat next to her, then said, “Good morning.”
“How did you sleep, Harley?” she asked.
“I didn’t. My sheets were on the floor from all the tossing and turning I did.”
“I’m sure yesterday was hard on you mentally,” she said.
I went through the events of the accident with Nana and PopPop on our way home the previous day.
After repeating the same story twice, I didn’t want to repeat it ever again.
The only thing worse than living through an accident was telling the story repeatedly.
Although Reign and I were okay, I could never forget the look of fear on my grandparents’ faces.
I never wanted them to experience that look of fear over me again.
“I felt so guilty about the accident. What if it happened because I was on the bus? What if I’m cursed? The day mom died, I was supposed to be in the car. When Jude died, I was right beside him. What if I’m supposed to be next?” I questioned.
The sadness on Nana’s face broke my heart, but I didn’t have anyone else to share these feelings with. They were dark, but my mind ran rampant with those thoughts all night. I watched as Nana wiped the tears from her face.
“Every time the phone rings, my stomach turns in knots. My biggest fear is losing someone else in my family. You survived these tragic events for a reason. If you weren’t there yesterday, Reign would have been terrified.
There wouldn’t have been anyone to make sure Violet was safe. You are a survivor, my love.”
I put my coffee mug down on the table between us. My hands covered my face as I sobbed. I held those tears all day after the accident. There was no time for me to cry while I cared for Reign and Violet. The girls would have been terrified if I had broken down in front of them.
“Go ahead and let it out, baby. It’s okay to cry. I don’t ever want you to question why you’re here, Harley. The Lord knows I wouldn’t survive if He called you home,” Nana said as she hugged me close.
“Thank you for listening to me. I know I’m talking crazy, but I’ve been asking myself for years why I survived.
Why did Mom decide not to take me with her at the last minute?
Why did my voice closed when I tried to warn Jude about the car coming our way?
Too many questions with no answers. It’s hard,” I blurted out through my sobs.
Nana rubbed my back softly as she soothed me.
When I was calm, she said, “The why isn’t important.
While you’re walking on this earth, every day, your purpose is to make the world better.
You’re a teacher. You impact lives daily.
For God’s sake, you’re a walking testimony.
There is no time for survivor’s remorse.
You press on and keep making the world a better place.
There’s a reason you came home. Let’s focus on that. ”
Nana was right. I nodded my head as she wiped my tears.
As I calmed down, the beat of my heart regulated as well.
I felt relief lift off me as I took in her words.
I was home, but it was also a place of pain.
I needed to stop harboring the bad so I could move forward.
While I had lost so much, there was so much for me to be grateful for.
Nana was right. I needed to understand why I needed to come back. I told myself it was for Reign to be near family. Maybe it was me who needed to be near my family. We sat on the porch for a little while before Nana got up. She went inside the house and came back with an envelope.
“With all the commotion yesterday, I didn’t have time to give you this,” she said as she passed it to me.
I looked it over, but there was no sender’s information. With hesitation, I opened the envelope. There was a letter inside. I unfolded it and read its contents.
Dear Harley,
I’ve finally worked up the courage to write.
I don’t know where to start. I’m your father.
I apologize for reaching out so late in your life.
If you’re willing to meet, I would love to explain my absence.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but I would appreciate the consideration.
Here is my contact info. I’ll be awaiting your call.
See you soon,
John
I lost count of the number of times I reread the letter.
My emotions were all over the place because it was a big moment for me.
I used to dream about meeting my dad when I was a little girl.
The little girl in me smiled, but the adult was skeptical.
My heart’s rapid beat reminded me I needed to gain control of my emotions.
While I focused on trying to control myself, I continued to wonder. Why did he wait until now to reach out?
“Is everything okay? Who’s it from?” Nana inquired.
“My father,” I replied.
The look of confusion on her face matched mine.
“He wants to meet me. I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. I looked at her and hoped she had the answer. All the talk of family, and there was my long-lost father. It had been years since I even thought of the man. “I wonder how he found me.”
“He used to send your mother letters all the time. When she passed, I found a box with letters from him. There were some pictures there, too. Let’s go inside so I can grab it for you,” she offered.
We grabbed our mugs, and I held the letter tightly. I waited in the living room while Nana went into her bedroom before coming back with a small box.
“You never mentioned this to me.”
“I intended to give it to you before you went to college. When you moved away with Jude, I wanted to give it to you then. Somehow, that didn’t feel right.
Then, after Jude died, I didn’t think you needed anything else to add on to your struggling mental.
Please don’t be upset that I didn’t give it to you sooner.
Something about right now seems like the moment you were supposed to receive it,” Nana said as she left me alone with the box.
I took a deep breath before I explored its contents, as there was no telling what I would find. As I removed the top of the box, I saw a bunch of letters and photos. I smiled as I stared at the old photos of my mother. We looked so much alike; it was like looking at photos of me.
As I dug further into the box, I found a picture of my mom and a man.
As I continued to look at the picture, the man looked familiar.
I couldn’t initially place him. Then I remembered the older man I saw the day Naya and I went to Moon Café.
The longer I stared at the picture, the more confident I was that it was him.
The man outside the restaurant was the same man who said he was my father.
When I turned the picture over, it read Nicole John’s arms wrapped around her pregnant belly.
I couldn’t put the picture down as I continued to study their features.
After my mother’s death, I never asked about my father.
My mother told me once that he traveled a lot for business.
She never fed me stories of meeting him one day.
It was simply because he traveled a lot, and we didn’t discuss him.
I lost count of the time I spent going through that box.
Old love letters and photos filled the box to the brim.
I wondered why my parents wrote to each other.
There were a couple of unopened envelopes that I would save for later.
It was a lot for one person to digest in one sitting.
One minute, I was a parentless child. Then, in the blink of an eye, the man who called himself my father appeared.
I hoped opening the box would tell me what to do.
It only filled me with the same questions that had plagued me since childhood.
Why didn’t he want to be in my life? Even after my mother died, I always hoped he would come.
Eventually, part of me felt like his effort was too late.
Too much time had passed for him to make amends.
I decided to give myself a few days to think about his offer.
When and if we met, I didn’t want to be overly emotional.
I didn’t want to be that little girl who longed for a normal family.
If we met, I wanted him to see the woman he decided not to raise.
My grandparents gave me all the love, support, and guidance a child could ever need.
Would meeting with that man be a betrayal of them?
For the second time in my day, I was plagued with more questions than answers. It made my headache reappear.