Chapter Eighteen
ELLIE
18 years earlier
“Five minutes, Ellie!”
Dad hollered up the stairs at me.
“Okay, I’m almost done.”
I was finishing up packing my bag for my flight to California and my hands were shaking like crazy. I had the hardest time trying to figure out what I should pack. What would look good for a summer in the sun and on the beach? Should I bring my new bikini or a one-piece, or both? How much underwear should I bring, oh and can’t forget the tampons!
I zipped the suitcase closed after checking it over for the fourth time and hauled it down the stairs where Dad was waiting for me by the front door.
“Any longer and you might just miss your flight.”
Dad joked, grabbing the suitcase from me.
“I just had to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything.”
“I don’t think that’s possible. What’s in here, Ellie; everything you own?”
“Close to it!”
I laughed.
* * *
At the airport, Dad walked me to baggage check and looked at the monitor to make sure my ticket showed the right gate before he hugged me goodbye.
“Alright, you’ve got your ticket?” he asked.
“Check.”
I air-checked him with my finger.
“Bank card?”
“Check.”
“Phone card?”
“Got it.”
“Behave, stay out of trouble and come back in one piece.”
He winced, hands on my shoulders.
“Ok, Dad, I’ll be fine, I promise!”
I hugged him again and he waved goodbye just as the overhead speaker blared an announcement that they would begin boarding my flight. I rushed around the corner of the terminal, finding my gate and stood in line to board. I pulled my ticket out of my purse and read over the information again. I still couldn’t believe that I was going to spend the entire summer in California, by myself. I’m almost seventeen, so Dad thought I could be trusted to appreciate this trip and act like the almost adult that I am.
I took my seat, buckled the safety belt, and leaned my head back waiting for take-off. The flight was scheduled to take just under six hours with no layovers and that gave me plenty of time to mull over all the possible scenarios of seeing Lee again after so long. Will he recognize me? Will he be attracted to me once he sees how different I look? Will he look the same? Should I hug him, or would a kiss be too much? There were so many questions running through my head and my heart jumped every time I pictured him smiling at me for the first time in forever. By the time we landed, I had played through my mix tape twice and was getting antsy to get up and move my legs.
Lee wasn’t going to be meeting me at the airport with Steff, so I wasn’t freaking out yet, but he was going to be at the apartment when we arrived; so, I knew I was going to be a ball of nerves during that drive.
Finally, they let the passengers in the back of the plane go and the anticipation coursed through me. Seeing Steff standing there, outside the tunnel, brought a huge smile to my face and all the butterflies flew away. We ran into each other, giggling like little girls and everything came rushing back; a lifetime of shared laughter and whispered secrets unfolding in an instant. In that moment, we weren’t just cousins, we were soul sisters.
“Oh my gosh, I missed you so much – look at your hair!”
she screeched, and I spun around in circles so she could see how long my hair had gotten.
“Wow, you look amazing, Steff! This California sun really does it for you!”
“I agree, it does make me looks less pasty, doesn’t it.”
She swiped her fingers over her sun-kissed arm in display.
We talked the entire way to her house, catching up on the last few months that we missed out on. I told her about Mallorie’s new boyfriend – that shocked her – and Amy’s broken arm fiasco – but that didn’t surprise her since Amy was always hurting herself.
“Okay, so what’s the deal with Justin?”
she asked.
“Where did you two leave off?”
“You had to bring him up, huh?”
I sneered at her out of the corner of my eye. Justin had been a sore subject for me recently, ever since I told him I was going to be spending the summer with Steff in California. He immediately got upset about the possibility of me seeing Lee while I was here and even more upset when I told him that it was part of the plan for my trip.
He knew that Lee and I had a thing before he and I did, and he just kept telling me that he wanted me to remain “pure”
and come back to him “untouched”. I didn’t like his possessiveness, especially since he was the one who told me we weren’t going to be officially dating while he was away in college.
“I reminded him that we are not together anymore, and that he couldn’t expect me to make a promise like that to him.”
I spewed all of this out to Steff, and she listened without being judgmental. I loved that about her.
“Wow. Does Lee know all of that?”
She looked over at me while she turned a corner and took the exit off the highway that led to her small apartment complex. At the mention of Lee’s name, my hands started to sweat; we’re right up the road now.
“No, I didn’t tell him anymore about Justin than absolutely necessary, but he knows that Justin knows I’m here to see him.”
Steff’s mouth dropped open.
“And you, and you – mostly you … but him too!”
I laughed as she faked being hurt by my words.
“It’s ok, Ell, I know you’ll be spending a lot of time with him. That was part of my point in getting you out here – you’re both my favorite people and I want to see you guys happy.”
She paused, focusing on the busy intersection we arrived at before going on, “And now, I’m going to give you my grown-up talk that I had with him last week.”
She looked at me, eyes squinting, “Under no circumstances, will this turn into a quickie summer fling that will leave either of you heart broken, DON’T HURT HIM! Okay?”
She stared at me with an I know you glare.
“Okay! I hear you. No summer fling – but I can still kiss him, right? Cause I’ve been dying to kiss him!” I teased.
“Ugh, yes, you can kiss him. I don’t want to know what else you do with him either. Just no hurting.”
“Got it!”
“Okay, are you ready? We’re here.”
She said as we pulled into a parking spot in a palm tree lined lot and the car’s engine sputtered off.
Oh my god, I don’t know. Am I ready? I’ve been dreaming of this moment for the past year and the fact that I’m here, in the same airspace as Lee has my heart racing again.
I held my hands up in front of her so she could see they were trembling. She brought them down and gently patted my hands, “Deep breath.”
I inhaled slowly and blew it out.
“Good. There he is.”
She nodded out the window and my eyes darted over in the direction of her nod.
“I’ll be inside – it’s this apartment right in front of the car; number 104.”
She left me in the car to get out when I was ready.
I took another deep breath and then opened the door and stepped out, smiling as my eyes met his and I ran over to him, not caring about anything in the world but falling into his arms.
* * *
We spent the rest of the afternoon visiting with friends and swimming in the apartment complex pool until Steff went inside. That’s when Lee and I had a moment in the hot tub. He pulled me over and I sat on his lap, the bubbles and steam making me hot in more ways than one. And he told me that we should go inside or else he was going to take me right there, but he didn’t want our first time to be in a hot tub or in front of other people.
It was both the sexiest and the sweetest thing I had ever heard, and I wanted more of it. I know he wanted our first time together to be perfect; he told me that more than once. He’s a planner when it comes to moments, just like he wanted to wait for the perfect moment for our first kiss. Only that took us three years; I can’t possibly wait that long. I’ve imagined and re-imagined the way it would feel, the way he would taste, how his fingertips grazing my skin would be and just the thought of it makes it hard for me to breathe.
We went back to Steff’s patio and sat at the table to talk; he started a game of thirty questions, and this was my opening to ask him, looking at his face, what his real feelings are for me. Because anyone would want to have sex with a girl sitting on his lap, they can write all the beautiful words on a piece of paper and say them over the phone, but if his face tells me the words are true, then I’ll know where we stand.
“Did you mean what you said in your last letter to me?” I asked.
He ran his hand through his hair, and I wanted to run my own hand through it. I could hear him inhaling slowly and my eyes followed when he opened his mouth, “I meant it, Ellie. I love you.”
That was it, my adrenaline kicked in and I let it take full control of my actions. I jumped into his lap, my legs straddled him in his chair, and I kissed him in the way I had been dreaming of kissing him all these years. I felt his tongue lick the inside of my mouth and the next thing I knew, we were in the apartment, pulling each other’s wet bathing suits off as fast as we could. He slowly dropped to his knees on the floor and laid my head gently on the pillows, letting his fingers trail down the side of my face, down my neck and along the side of my breast. I got chills and I thought this is how my first time should have played out. We were both completely naked under the covers, the weight of him crushing into me in the best way possible. My fingers snaked in his hair while he planted kisses up and down my stomach, tracing a circle around my belly button and bringing his fingers down between my legs, teasing and taunting. Then he stopped abruptly, popping his head back up to face me, causing my eyes to focus in on his.
“Are you still a virgin, Ellie?”
“No.”
I whispered, out of breath.
“But it only happened once, and I regretted not letting you have that part of me.”
I continued to run my hands through his hair, aching for him to keep touching me, “Does that change any of this?”
He breathed out that little laugh that always made me weak over the phone, and I could see his smile with it this time.
“No. It doesn’t change anything at all.”
He buried his face in my hair and nibbled at my ear lobe.
“But if you want me to stop, please tell me. Cause I don’t think I can control myself for much longer.”
“I don’t want you stop, Lee.”
He leaned his forehead against mine and I could hear the tremble in his breath as he took my hand in his and brought it to his chest, our fingers laced together.
I could feel the slamming of his heart against my hand, and I kissed him softly on the tip of his nose.
He was inside me just then and a gasp escaped my mouth but was quieted by his lips.
My free hand moved to his back, trailing up and down from his shoulder blades to the base of his spine while he took his time with me, pulling out slowly.
And with immense control, he rocked into me with just enough force to shatter me to pieces until he had reached his peak.
I dug my nails into his skin with each thrust that I felt deeper and deeper until there was no space left between us.
My teeth sank into his shoulder when I felt him tense and then a groan rumbled in his throat and his body gave way.
“I love you, Ellie.”
He panted, kissing me again before he collapsed and rested his head against my chest, his thumb caressing my collarbone in slow peaceful strokes.
I smiled up at the ceiling and took in a deep breath, exhaling as I brought my eyes down to meet his.
I reached for his hand and for the first time, today, I noticed he was wearing a ring.
It was a plain silver band that he wore on his pinky finger. I traced it, letting my finger graze over it several times when he finally spoke again.
“It was my grandma’s. I wear it to remember her.”
I don’t say a word, I just nod, because I know how much she meant to him.
He slid the ring off his finger, and in one fluid motion, placed it on mine.
The moment made my heart swell with a blend of adoration and bliss, as if every beat spoke promises he didn’t have to say out loud.
His hand closed around mine and we slept like that, in each other’s arms until I woke up as he was leaving to take Steff to work the next morning.
* * *
On our first full day together this summer, he drove me to Santa Cruz.
We sat out on our beach towels, feet in the sand, music on the boom box and watched the waves crash on the shore.
He held my hand, swinging it back and forth, and told me that one day, he wanted to get married barefoot on the beach.
“At sunset, with my forever girl right next to me.”
He said, eyes locked on mine.
“That sounds like a dream.”
I told him, not dropping my eyes from his.
“I want it to be our dream.”
He added with a gentle squeeze and then he hopped up and pulled me with him, running into the water and spinning us around.