Chapter Twenty
ELLIE
18 years earlier
The last month-and-a -half has been nothing short of amazing. I have loved every second of every day that I have spent with Lee by my side: playing the tourist, playing house while Steff is at work, being the adoring girlfriend while he introduces me to his co-workers and when we hang out with his friends, all of it.
We watched the fireworks on the fourth of July, staring up at the sky while laying out in the grass – on the hill by the lake where the frog jumped on him years earlier. I went shopping with his mom while he had a work meeting and I helped her pick out a dress for her sister’s wedding that was coming up. And he took me dancing at a nightclub on the beach where we got sweaty and were crammed into a large mosh pit of people that were bouncing to the beat of loud techno music. I have loved being a part of his life and I really don’t want to go home soon.
* * *
Dane and Ezra came over to the apartment one afternoon toward the end of July and asked if they could take Lee away from me for a night out with the guys. They promised me it would just be the three of them, shooting pool and hanging out. I laughed at their attempt to persuade me and told them they didn’t have to convince me that he needed a night out.
“I’m actually not feeling well, so it’s perfect timing anyways, my stomach has been bothering me all day.”
I wave them on and out the door. Lee looks at me, concerned and stops me from closing the door behind them.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yes, I’m fine. It’s just cramps, probably nearing that time.”
I tell him, laughing it off.
“Maybe I should stay home with you since Steff’s not here.”
He tries to come back into the apartment, and I push him out again.
“No, you go have fun with the guys. I swear I’m okay. You need a break from me anyways.”
“I don’t need a break from you.”
He’s still trying to push himself inside.
“Okay. Not a break from me, but a night with your friends, just the guys. I love you.”
I kiss him, bringing his bottom lip between mine and releasing him with another nudge toward the parking lot where Dane and Ezra are watching from their car windows and making kissing faces like little kids.
Steff is working late tonight and has a ride home from a co-worker and I have the place to myself. I haven’t been alone in this apartment since I arrived and it’s kind of nice – quiet – but nice. I collected my dirty laundry and threw the clothes in the washer, because despite packing almost everything I own, I was about to run out of clean panties. As I was turning the washer on, I felt a gurgle in my stomach and ran to the bathroom to throw up.
I must have eaten something bad at lunch today I tell myself and I look at my reflection in the mirror while I rinse the vomit taste from my mouth.
Afterwards, I took myself out to the living room, sat on the couch and pulled out the book that I brought which hasn’t been cracked open since I got here. I read the first couple of pages and stopped, putting the book down when I felt that all too familiar feeling of my period starting. I grabbed my box of tampons and ran to the bathroom, pulling down my panties, expecting to see blood in them, but there was nothing. Weird. I sat back down on the couch and looked at the box of tampons, still unopened.
Have I not had a period since I’ve been here?
I got back up and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing the calendar off the fridge and counted back the days to the last time I remember having a period. May 15th? No, that can’t be right, I thought. But it was. I remember that I had my period just before I left for this trip, and I bought a brand new box of tampons to take with me. That box of tampons is still unopened. Oh. My. God. No! This is just a fluke. I was arguing with myself, but after considering the possibility, I was convinced that my cycle had just been thrown off because of the abrupt change in my routine since I’ve been here. That’s not out of the ordinary, it used to happen all the time when I was making myself throw up.
Later that night, I ran to the bathroom again and was relieved to see some spotting when I wiped. I said a prayer and thanked God for the blood and went to bed, never having felt this happy for a period in my entire life.
* * *
We went to a water park with Steff, the guys and Lee’s parents the following weekend and picnic’d on the grass with egg salad sandwiches and chips that Mrs. Combs had made for everyone. I daydreamed with his hand in mine while we floated side by side along the lazy river in our inflatable tubes and his mom captured some pictures of us when we weren’t looking with her disposable camera.
“He’s absolutely smitten with you, Ellie.”
His mom smiled at me when I came over to sit next to her in the shade of the oak tree where she was reading.
“I’ve never seen him so happy and excited for the future.”
“I’m pretty smitten with him, too.”
I tell her.
“I can’t imagine leaving next week.”
She nodded, knowingly and added in a hush, leaning closer to me, “Between you and me, I don’t think it’ll be a long break this time.”
“What do you mean?”
I asked, turning to face her.
“Just that you might be surprised with what all he has planned for since you’ve been here. You’re a big part of his life and I don’t think he wants to leave this as a summer memory.”
She patted my arm and went back to her book. I thought about her words and smiled to myself, wondering what plans Lee had come up with that he would have shared with his mom.
I was completely unaware that there was a commotion on the other side of the water park until Dane escorted his girlfriend to the parking lot with none other than Maggie following behind shortly after. Lee came over and dropped down to the ground next to us, his arms folded around his knees. He explained to me that the girls found out we would be here, and Maggie was trying to convince him to take her back again. He apologized but told me not to worry; he told her it wasn’t going to happen, and he asked Dane to take them home.
After the argument, Lee was drained, and I could tell he was not having fun anymore. He just wanted to go home, and I didn’t blame him. We all agreed that it was a good time to call it a day and pack up our picnic. We grabbed some drive through on the way home and had dinner at the apartment later that evening. We had had enough excitement for the day and didn’t feel the need to go out, but Steff had met someone at the water park and left us for a late night date.
We showered and tossed our wet clothes and towels into the wash so they would be clean the next time we went to the pool. Lee was being abnormally quiet during our nightly routine of cleaning the dishes and making our bed in the living room and I couldn’t help but feel like something else was wrong.
“Is everything alright?”
I asked him when we were lying in bed, curled up together that night.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?”
he asked, still gazing out the window.
“You’ve just been quiet since we left the water park is all. I know you told me about the Maggie thing, I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything else bothering you that you didn’t mention.”
“No. It just got to me. I hate that she’s making me so upset; I don’t want it to ruin our time together, I’m sorry, babe.”
He pulled me closer to him and wrapped the blankets around us.
“I was trying so hard not to be mean and say anything that would hurt her, but she was almost forcing me to be mean to her. I told you I’m not a good person.”
“You’re not a bad person, Lee. You’re just a very loveable person and she doesn’t want to let you go. I can’t say that I blame her; I wouldn’t want to let you go either.”
He kissed my forehead and rested his chin on top of my head, bringing me in close. There was no response needed to make me feel that we were on the same page. We drifted off to sleep and I relaxed into the crook of his arm, watching as his eyes flickered closed in peaceful rest. I found comfort in the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against my cheek, his warmth enveloping me, washing away my concerns from earlier. The gentle touch of his fingers tracing patterns on my back as he drifted further into sleep spoke volumes without the necessity of words.
* * *
The next morning, Steff asked if I would be up for a day of put-put and boardwalk shopping, and I jumped at the opportunity to have a day alone with her; we hadn’t had many over the summer and it was almost time for me to leave. So, Lee told me he was good with spending a day with his friends while I hung out with her and had some girl time. He kissed me on the cheek and said he couldn’t wait to see me later as he left us after breakfast.
Steff and I cleaned up breakfast and got dressed, getting ready together in the bathroom mirror like we used to do back when we shared a bedroom.
We went golfing by the beach and pretended we were tourists with our big floppy hats and sunglasses. I won, hitting two hole-in-ones and granting me the lunch pick for the day. I chose Don Pablos, telling Steff that I was craving a bowl of queso with some salty tortilla chips. She looked at me sideways and asked, “Is there something you want to tell me, Ell?”
“What do you mean?”
I asked.
“Like that I’m hungry?”
“Maybe like, why are you craving queso?”
“I think I’m getting my period. I’ve felt it coming for the last week and had some spotting the other day.”
I told her, scrunching up my nose at the thought.
“Ugh, that’s the worst.”
She said, holding the door open for me.
“Salty tortilla chips for the PMS win!”
We ate and then went shopping, reminiscing about our mall days with my friends back home. We took turns trying on outfits from 5-7-9 and Wet Seal, stepping out of the dressing room so we could comment on how the look came together and whether it was a hit or a miss. I even helped her pick out a dress for the date she was planning to go on tomorrow with the water park guy.
On our way out of the mall, we spotted a tattoo parlor in a corner shop. The two of us shared a glance and an equally excited “Hell Yes!”
before walking straight into the shop and asking if they had time for walk-ins. Luckily, the shop owner didn’t really care that I was under eighteen; he just asked if we would both sign release forms. After a quick chat, we decided to get matching script inked on our wrists: Ma Soeur Dame. We admired the tattoos, linking arms and walked toward the parking lot so we could head to Lee’s house with a few arms full of shopping bags.
When we got to the Combs residence later that evening, I was exhausted and sweaty from the heat. But there was nothing better than Lee rushing to meet us at the door. He was so adorable, telling me how he missed me today, and wanted to show me something upstairs. Only, there was nothing upstairs but the promise of amazing sex and my first ever orgasm, followed quickly by the second.
I already thought sex was great.
But he showed me sex could be greater.
* * *
Quickly, the day turned into my last night here and Steff and Lee planned a big going away party as my send off. They invited all their friends, some new ones that I met while I was here, and our cousins. The place was booming. The music was blasting, and I was having a great time dancing and moving from group to group throughout the whole apartment.
I was standing in the kitchen, talking with Ezra and he was telling me all about this time when they were twelve and he dared Lee to steal a pack of gum from the 711 on the corner of his street. Lee felt so guilty about it that he walked right back into the store and handed it to the cashier, telling him he was sorry. The cashier wanted to punish him, hoping that he wouldn’t ever want to steal again so he made him stand outside for the rest of his shift, holding a sign that said, “ASK ME ABOUT MY STICKY SITUATION”.
I was laughing as I pictured a younger version of Lee holding that sign, looking miserable outside the store, when I noticed him out of the corner of my eye. He was making a beeline for the front door, and I watched as he stepped outside and closed the door quickly. I walked over, and peeked out the window by the patio, curious to see if I could figure out who was with him and what made him rush to get out there.
Just as I was able to get a look, the front door burst open and Maggie’s best friend, Liz, walked in. She left the door wide open as she looked around and made her way to Dane, not noticing me standing there. I stood in the open doorway and made eye contact with Maggie who had just grabbed Lee’s hand and placed it on her belly.
I’m going to be sick.
I listened as I heard her tell him he was going to be a dad and something about them kissing at the mall, and then I didn’t want to listen anymore. I ran to the bathroom, holding back my tears until I slammed the door shut.
Lee was there in an instant, banging on the door, begging me to open it. He wanted me to let him explain. I didn’t want an explanation of how she wound up with his baby growing inside her and why he was making out with her at the mall the other day. Oh, God, he was kissing her when he said he was with his friends. He fucking lied to me. I leaned over the toilet, retching into the bowl and felt my heart break into a million pieces.
I needed to get out of here.
I needed some air.
I can’t breathe.
The phone … I remembered that Steff kept it in the hallway, right outside the door. I listened outside the door, checking to see if Lee was still standing there first and then opened the door, quickly grabbing the phone and shut myself back in the bathroom. I dialed 411, asking for a local taxi company. When I was connected, I gave them the address and they told me that the driver would be here in five minutes. I looked at the clock on the wall of the bathroom and watched the seconds tick by. As soon as I was sure five minutes had passed, I opened the door and made a run for the exit, grabbing my purse off the hook in the hallway and dashing through the crowded apartment until I was outside.
I inhaled deeply, trying to catch my breath and felt the tears streaming down my face again. There was the taxi. I opened the door and was about to step in when I heard him; he called out my name, begging me to stop and he was getting closer. But I couldn’t – I just couldn’t bear to say goodbye, not like this. It was better if I just left. I climbed into the taxi and screamed at the driver to go. He slammed on the gas, tires screeching in the parking lot as we left.
I watched as he fell to the ground, on his knees with his hands wrapped behind his head, fingers clawing at his hair as my taxi drove away from the curb where I left him; left him there without giving him a chance to give me any details.
I didn’t want details. I didn’t want to know why or how this happened, it hurt enough just knowing that it did happen.
My stomach clenches as the driver swerves to dodge a pothole in the road and I lean my forehead against the window, feeling the coolness chill the heat that rose to my face just moments earlier when I found out that the love of my life was going to be a father, and I wasn’t going to be the mother.
I know that if I had stayed, he would have chosen me and loved me still, but I would have had to share that love with someone else and his child Oh God, his child. I couldn’t be the one to be in the middle of them. I know all too well what it’s like to live with only one parent and wish beyond wishes that they could both be there with me every day, and I wasn’t going to be the one to take that away from this innocent child who didn’t have a choice in who his parents were.
I found myself stopping the driver at a corner restaurant about thirty minutes from Steff’s place and giving him enough cash to cover the fare before stepping out of the taxi and looking around for somewhere to drown my misery for the next several hours before it becomes tomorrow. Tomorrow, I can get on my flight and get back home and just forget about Lee Combs, forget about the plans we made for our future and forget about the most amazing and the most painful summer of my life.
I walked in and sat at the bar. I asked for a Shirley Temple with an extra cherry. The bartender looked at me and started to say something – probably that I’m not allowed to sit at the bar without an adult – but decided against it when he looked at my face and noticed my swollen, bloodshot eyes. So, he brought me my drink and set it down in front of me with a soft smile before he went on wiping the tables down behind me. He let me sit there for a while since no one else was at the counter; heck the entire restaurant was empty and when the crowds started pouring in thirty minutes later, I don’t think he noticed me anymore.
That was good, I slinked down in my chair, and I planned on staking my claim on this barstool for the rest of the night. Or at least until they closed and kicked all the drunks out. I was nursing my second Shirley Temple when a guy walked by and tapped my shoulder. I had been sitting here for about two and a half hours and no one had said anything to me until now.
“I’m sorry, I saw you over here alone and I just had to come over and say hi.”
He sits down in the empty seat next to me and waves the bartender over.
“You look like the kind of girl I need to know.”
“I’m not, trust me.”
I say to him without looking up and took another sip of my mocktail.
“Ouch, that hurt.”
He clears his throat but doesn’t get up to leave.
“Well, um, I’m Freddie ... Freddie Donovan.”
When I don’t respond, he takes his hat off and rakes a hand through his ash brown hair and asks, “Can I … uh … at least buy you a drink?”
I look at him, wondering if he realizes I’m not twenty one, and then decide that I don’t care.
“You know what, sure.”
That makes him sit up taller and his smile returns.
“Okay! What’ll you have?”
he asks, getting more comfortable on the barstool.
“I don’t care as long as it’s strong and will make me forget today.”
I told him, resting my elbow on the bar and my chin on my hand.
“You got it, two memory melting shots coming your way!”
The bartender was so busy at the other end of the bar that Freddie decided to walk over and order our drinks instead of waiting. He comes back with a small tray and four shot glasses filled with an amber colored liquid. Before he even sits down to offer me the tray, I grab a shot glass and down the liquid, scrunching my nose as a burn makes its way down my throat.
“Ugh, what was that?”
I ask, shaking my head.
“Fireball.”
He says grinning and downs his first shot. I can tell he has a tongue piercing when his mouth opens to reveal a flash of silver, catching the dim bar light when he speaks. We both grab the second shot and clink our glasses together before lifting them to our lips.
“I like it!”
I say, slamming the glass down on the bar. He laughs and sits back down on his stool, spinning to face me.
“What’s your name?”
His hands are on my knees, steadying me as I spun again to face him, feeling dizzy.
“Not telling.”
I shake my head.
“Buy me another drink and I might though.”
I put my finger up, indicating I want another one.
He hesitates but then disappears and comes back with four more shots, only this time, they’re filled to the brim with a pale yellow concoction, Lemon Drops, apparently. We cheers and empty the glasses just as quickly as the last round. I listen as he talks, but I’m not really hearing anything he’s saying through the sounds of glasses clinking and laughter from all the drunk college girls hoping to land a guy tonight. I notice he’s watching me as I sway to the music, definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol.
“Dance with me.”
It’s not a question he asked because he’s grabbing my hand and pulling me off the barstool. I let him lead me to the middle of the restaurant, where the tables were pushed to the sides to create a dance floor. The music is pumping through my ears, and I can feel my heart pounding in rhythm with the beat as he takes my hand and spins me around. My head is buzzing, and the floor feels like rushing waves under my feet. He’s laughing and the sound of it is intoxicating – or is it just that I’m intoxicated? – I don’t care, whatever it is, is making me smile and I’ve forgotten who I’m here with when I lean in and kiss him on the cheek.
He pauses for an instant and then kisses me on the mouth with slow, methodical intensity, his teeth pulling in my upper lip in a lingering moment of ecstasy. And he brings me closer, enveloping me in his arms.
“What do you say we get out of here?”
he whispers into my neck, planting small, soft kisses where his breath left a warming chill.
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
I say, leaning into him, not really sure if I needed the support in order to stay upright or if my longing to be held right now just pulled me toward him.
He hails a taxi from the line of cars waiting outside the crowded place, and we climb into the back seat where he moves in to kiss my neck. I turned, instinctively grabbing his face in my hands and I kissed him back, letting his tongue flirt with mine, his piercing becoming a game of play between our mouths. When I couldn’t breathe anymore, I pulled away from him and sucked in a long, hot breath and he opened his eyes.
“Watermelon.”
He licked his lips.
“What?”
That caught me off guard, I didn’t expect him to talk. I didn’t want him to talk.
“Your hair smells like watermelon.”
I kissed him again because I didn’t want him to tell me what my hair smelled like. I don’t want him to remember me after tonight. He pulled away from me and looked at my face like he was memorizing me. Then he asked, “Who are you and where have you been hiding?”
I put my finger to his lips and shook my head, “No strings attached.”
The taxi stops outside of his apartment building, and I stumble out of the car, walking backward toward the building as I watch him finish up with the driver. He jogs to catch up to me and puts his hands on my waist, leading me to the door of his apartment.
“I need to know your name.”
he tells me, his lips grazing mine, his hands caging me in against the door.
“You don’t want to know my name; I’m dangerous.”
I tell him. And it’s true, God if only he knew.
“Okay, then. I don’t have to be your tomorrow,”
he says, closing the door behind us and walking me through his house, into his bedroom.
“I’ll settle for being your right now.”
He lays me down gently onto his bed and crawls over me, pinning my hands into the pillow above my head with one hand while the other is busy unbuckling his pants, and reaching up the hem of my skirt to move my panties out of the way. I feel him thrust into me hard and needy and I wrap my legs around him, while I look up at the ceiling. He crashed into me over and over again and I found myself calling out Lee’s name as my hips rose to meet his. Then I realize I’m not with Lee when he stops moving and looks down at me, his voice a raspy whisper against my cheek, “What’s the matter, baby, are you here with the wrong guy?”
The tears start to stream down my cheeks again as he finishes and rolls off me, stumbling his way to the bathroom. When the door closes, I roll over onto my side and cry myself to sleep, disgusted and wondering what the hell am I doing?
When I open my eyes and see that first glow of the sunrise breaking through the window in his bedroom, I get up, find my shoes and walk out the door of the apartment where I had just destroyed my soul.
I walked to the nearest payphone and called for a taxi to drive me to the airport. I don’t even care that I don’t have my suitcase or any of my belongings, as long as I have my purse with my ID, which I did remember to take before storming out last night.
The woman at the ticket counter was able to look up my information and print me a replacement ticket; she was even able to get me on an earlier flight. She looked around me, ready to check my baggage and I cleared my throat, “No baggage to check, just me and my purse.”
I patted my bag that hung across the front of my body and thanked her for her help. Then I made my way to the gate and waited for the plane to arrive. I hoped Steff wouldn’t try to make it here before my flight; I really didn’t want to face her after the events of last night unfolded the way they did. I didn’t want her to take one look at me and be able to see the shameful part of me that just committed the biggest mistake of her life.
I just wanted to move on.
I just wanted him to move on.
Even if we weren’t moving on together.