Chapter Twenty-Three
LEE
17 years earlier
Every day she’s not here with me and doesn’t return my calls is another day I feel like I’m dying inside. It’s been four months and I’ve sent her emails, paged her with our code, left messages and written her letters but she still refuses to let me explain. She won’t even talk to me.
What happened wasn’t even real… it can’t be. I swear, this is just a nightmare that I’ll wake up from any minute.
It was perfect.
She was perfect.
We were perfect.
I started another letter to her tonight; I just need to get some things off my chest, and I really wanted to tell her something that I needed her to know.
Dear Ellie Belly.
I’ve tried to call you a million times and I wish you would pick up the phone. I know you’re angry but if you could just hear me out, we could be okay.
I call mercy over you.
Make the pain stop, I’m seeing blue.
You don’t know what you do to me.
You’re my end, can’t you see.
I don’t want to be just another boy you’ve slept with, Ellie; I want to be the last. I want to be your forever, so I want you to remember this. Please listen when I tell you, I’m not like every other boy that you've met. They were all nothing and made it easy for you to forget. But I think I mean more than that to you. YOU mean more than that to ME.
God, I miss your eyes, your hair, your touch. Ellie, you’re the reason I believe in love so much. Without you with me, there’s no such thing. I don’t know what else to do, I’m going crazy here. But you know, I’d do anything. Just tell me, how many times can I tell you I love you to make you want to come back. Going on anymore without you is killing me inside.
I love you
I’ve always loved you
I’ll never stop loving you
Love Always,
Lee
* * *
I saw Steff today and she already knew when she saw me that I wanted to know if she had heard from Ellie. It’s been a week since I asked last. Before starting, she sighed heavily. This could only mean she had heard from Ellie, and it wasn’t good. She tells me she talked to her dad, and he mentioned there was a guy named Wes that’s been coming around recently. He didn’t know what the deal was with him; he was pretty sure he was just a friend that she reconnected with, but she’s been sick with heartache and still hadn’t come around to wanting to take my calls. I don’t want to force her to talk to me; aside from not having the money yet, that’s the only reason I haven’t flown myself out to Virginia to show up at her front door. I know I need to give her the space she needs in order to allow me back into her life. I only hope she comes around soon because this space is killing me.
I’m gutted.
I feel like someone punched me.
I can’t find my breath.
* * *
Dane and Ezra are gone, they went away to college months ago, and I’ve been working as many hours as I can to save up enough money to get myself to Virginia. But I’ve also been getting myself into the wrong scene.
When I found out that Maggie was lying about the pregnancy, I cut myself off from everyone except Steff and the guys. I found myself at the corner store buying liquor from anyone who would sell it to me and when I wasn’t drunk off my ass or working, I was locked up in my room, writing her letters.
Until one night – it was after midnight when I finished at a job site and walked to the corner store as usual, leaning up against the side of the building with my eyes closed, downing the liquid from a paper bag.
An older man in a hoodie approached me and shakes his head at me, “Man, I’ve seen you here, night after night, wasted and wasting your youth away.”
“Yeah.”
I took another swig.
“I don’t have much going for me these days.”
I tell him, looking back up at the sky.
“What if I were to make you an offer, something that would surely keep you busy enough to take your mind off whatever is bothering you … make you lots of money too?”
He’s waiting for an answer, a toothless smile appearing on his face as I take my eyes away from the stars to look at him.
“What kind of money?” I ask.
“Couple grand a week.”
He tells me, “Alls you have to do is run a few errands, keep your mouth shut and stay off the po-po radar.”
“Can I quit whenever I want to?”
“Sure, sure.”
I don’t hesitate, anything is better than the feeling of drowning in self-pity and sorrow, and a couple grand a week would get me to Virginia in no time.
“Okay, I’m in.”
I reach my hand out to shake his.
“What do I need to do?”
He gave me a green pager and told me when it goes off, I’m supposed to meet a black Cadillac one block over by the streetlight on the corner of Maple and Oak. The driver would give me the details and I would get cash when the job was done.
I ran errands for the boss in between my regular construction jobs for two months, and I quit drinking. The dirty jobs kept me busy, just like the old man had told me they would, and the pay was good, really good.
For the most part, the jobs were quick and easy, and I was paid for my part without much effort or fear that I was in danger. Tonight's job was different though. It wasn't just a routine drug drop-off. This time, I was tasked with delivering a package to a rundown warehouse on the outskirts of town. The place reeked of piss, graffiti crawling up its walls like dark vines. My breath misted in the cold air as I approached the entrance, with my heart pounding away.
The sound of my footsteps echoed eerily in the empty building. I looked around, making sure that I wasn’t being followed, before pushing open a creaking door. Behind the door was a dimly lit room filled with crates and broken machinery. The lights flickered, casting shadows that danced across the grimy floor and I moved forward cautiously.
Two men stepped out from the darkness, guns drawn and pointed directly at me. A third man approached, clad in a heavy hooded coat that covered his face. I swallowed hard, my nerves tingling as I handed over the duffel bag. There was no exchange of words; the man just took it and inspected the contents before nodding.
"Good job," came a voice that sent shivers down my spine. It was cold and raspy, cutting through the silence like a knife. "You've been reliable, kid."
I nodded quietly, knowing better than to talk to Big Boss. I knew I shouldn’t ask anything, but I was nearing my goal of having enough saved up for my move and the fear of my choices gripped my throat tighter tonight than ever before.
The man turned to leave but before he disappeared into the shadows completely, I found my voice and called out, “Wait. I…”
“Yessssss?”
He drew out the ‘s’ like a snake hissing at its prey.
“I… what do I do when I’m ready to quit?”
I asked, shaking nervously.
"Quit?" The word hung in the air, heavy with tension.
"I... I can't do this anymore," I stammered, my voice barely above a whisper. "I just needed enough to get away from here. I won’t say anything to anyone. I don’t even know enough to say if I wanted to."
For a long, quiet moment, the man just stared at me and for the first time, I was scared for my life. I was sure he was going to pull another gun out and shoot me right there. Just because he could. And no one would ever find me, I’d never see Ellie or my mom again. I held my breath and squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for a response.
“I’m not done with you just yet, kid. I’ll send word through your contact when you can be cut loose.”
Then he reached into his coat and pulled out a wad of cash, tossing the money at my feet. "Take this as my token of appreciation for your loyalty." he said, then turned on his heel and left me alone in the empty room.
I knelt down and scooped up the cash with trembling hands and thoughts whirling in my mind about how I just narrowly got out of this one.
Fuck, this is crazy. I need to get out of this before it consumes me.
Two more weeks of the easier dirty jobs and I had more than enough money to buy my plane ticket and set myself up with an apartment and food to get by for several months on my own in Virginia.
I met the old man at the corner store again. I handed him the pager, thanked him for getting me clean and told him I was out. He shook his head at me and leaned in with one hand on my shoulder, “That ain’t how this works, man. The big man will tell you when you’re out. Says you make him bank. And he ain’t done with you just yet.”
“You told me I could quit whenever I wanted. I did the big job and I waited it out two more weeks. I can’t do this anymore.”
I looked at him, hoping I could talk my way out of this situation before it got worse.
“I like you, man, you a good kid. You want my suggestion?”
he leans in even closer and tells me as quietly as he can, the stink of decay blowing in my face, “Run. Get your shit together and get outta here. That Big Boss ain’t letting you go. Get you somewhere they ain’t ever gonna be able to find you. Else you end up like me when you old.”
He pushed me on my way, shooing me across the road, and I kept walking until I couldn’t see him anymore.
I got in my truck and took myself home, laid in my bed and couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t sure if I should fill my mom in on the type of trouble I had gotten into or keep it to myself but the anxiety over the situation was keeping me awake. I paced my room and tried to put together all the possibilities of things that could go wrong after tonight. I finally fell asleep, I don’t even know what time it was, but I passed out from pure exhaustion and when I woke up, I had decided that I would go on with my plan and see how the day turned out.
That morning, I went to work at my construction job and put in my notice. I told them I was moving on in two weeks and would be leaving the area.
“Good for you, Lee. Where are you headed?”
my manager asked while we took our lunch break for the day.
“I’ve got a special someone that I need to find and make things right with.”
I told him, smiling as the thought of Ellie returned to my mind.
“Oh, is this the young lady I met last summer at the company party?”
He asked, taking a bite out of his sub.
“Yeah, that’s her.”
“Pretty gal, don’t let that one get away.”
He swallowed.
“I remember the way you two looked at each other and even told my wife that she must be something special.”
“She is. She definitely is.”
I finished my sub and tossed the wrapper in the dumpster and got back to work. Two weeks couldn’t come by soon enough, I thought.
The rest of the day was uneventful; hot and miserable, but at least it was uneventful. I avoided the downtown area on my way home, taking the long route in case anyone recognized me or my truck.
When I got home that evening, Mom shot up from the couch in the living room, ran over to me and inspected me like I was hurt.
“What’s going on Mom?”
I asked her, stopping her search for injuries, “I’m fine, I’m fine. What’s wrong?”
I looked over at my dad, questioning him with my eyes.
“What have you gotten yourself into this time, Lee?”
Dad came over and stood in front of me, next to Mom.
“We had a visitor this afternoon. Came banging on the door like he was going to bust it down. They said someone named Big Boss was looking for you and wouldn’t be happy if you didn’t show up for the drop tonight.”
“Shit.”
My hand went to the back of my neck, trying to release the pressure that built up there. I needed to tell them.
“I’m in trouble, Dad. I didn’t realize it would be big trouble.”
We sat at the table, and I told them what I had been doing to earn extra cash.
“I just wanted to make enough to get me to Ellie. I guess I didn’t know who I was really dealing with.”
I looked to Dad for help.
“What do I do?”
Dad took a deep breath.
Mom started crying.
“Here’s what you’re going to do, son.”
Dad started laying out my next steps, telling me to remember the details. He had been a big presence in my life since he and Mom got back together, taking on his role of Dad with the utmost importance. He had gotten into plenty of trouble in his day and turned himself around, so I took his advice seriously.
He told me to pack a duffle bag, only take the necessities. Make sure I had my cash, my plane ticket, my ID. He told me to go to my spot, “You know, the one that you didn’t think I knew about. Only I knew about it, and I wanted you to have that spot as your own. It’s private, it’s quiet. No one will look for you there. Lay low overnight. Keep away from the parking area, go into the woods, closer to the beach where you can build a small fire and anyone who notices will think you’re just a bum. Get yourself to the airport as early as you can and go find Ellie. I want you to call us as soon as you’re safe in Virginia.”
He hugs me, and this is a hug of finality, I can feel it.
I ran upstairs, packed my bag and I was gone before any further damage could be done to my family. I did exactly as Dad told me to do, keeping quiet and taking myself deep into the woods where I could hear the waves crashing on the beach but couldn’t see them. I fell into a light sleep next to my campfire and woke with a start at the sound of leaves crunching behind me. My eyes blinked open and it felt like I had swallowed my heart; the surge of fear that ran through my chest hurt and I winced, frozen and unable to move a muscle.
“Don’t run. Put your hands up and turn around slowly.”
When I turned around, I was surrounded by three men. They were dressed in all black and held flashlights in one hand with the other pointing a gun at me.
“I don’t want to die.”
I told them, clenching my eyes shut, scared these were Big Boss’s guys and they had somehow followed me.
“We don’t want you dead, Lee.”
One of the men said, lowering his gun and stepping toward me.
“We want to make you a deal.”
“A deal? No way, the last deal I made got me into this mess. I just want to get out and build my life back up with my girlfriend.”
“I think we can help you get there.”
The man said, and I think he must be the one in charge.
“Who are you guys?”
I asked, still holding my hands up.
“At ease, fellas. You can put your hands down, Lee. I’ll explain.”
He sat down on the ground next to me and told me to listen closely. I spent the next several minutes in a daze, my mind circling around the information they dumped on me like a cloud dropping from an airplane.
The three of them worked for a covert operation under the CIA; they had been following Big Boss for eight months, trying to reel him in and were waiting for him to make a mistake that would lead them to an arrest. They’d followed me around for several weeks, watching me work and watching who I interacted with. They saw my demeanor and work habits outside of the dirty jobs and took a chance on me being the one they needed to bring Big Boss and his crew down.
“All we need is a name, Lee. A name and you can go. If you give us the name we need, we can set you up in a protection program so that none of Big Boss’s associates can hunt you down.”
“Okay. And if I give you the name you need and you let me go, what are the consequences of my being in this protection program?” I ask.
“There are only three rules for the program. But they’re three big rules.”
He named them, counting them off on his fingers:
1. I cannot contact my family or friends. For all intents and purposes, I would be dead.
2. I have to change my name and date of birth.
3. I have to serve twenty years in the Armed Services as my debt for participating in illegal activities.
After twenty years, they would have brought in all known associates, and I would be free to move on with my life under the assumed identity. It would be my choice at that time, if I wanted to re-appear in my friends’ and family’s lives.
“And if I don’t take the deal?” I ask.
“We would be forced to arrest you and charge you with being an associate of a known drug lord. Because of the size of this ring, you would sit in a maximum security prison for at least twenty five years with a slim possibility of getting out early on good behavior.”
“Fuck.”
I said, head in my hands. It didn’t make sense to not take this deal but either way, I’m screwed.
“I’ll take the deal.”
I told them. And I spilled out all the information they wanted to know. I gave up the old man in the hoodie and the driver of the Cadillac. I told them where I made my pick-ups and my drop-offs and where I picked up my cash, and I even told them the location of that old empty warehouse where I had met Big Boss.
Fuck. I’m not making it, Ellie. I’m sorry I fucked things up bad this time.
The three men in black brought me to their car and drove me to an office building in the city. I was told they had a team that stayed behind and set a fire in the woods where I was. They left my belongings there to burn and they even left the remains of a homeless John Doe in the fire so it would be believable, not only to the authorities but also to Big Boss and his thugs. I signed some papers, was handed some other papers and they put me in another car, headed to Louisiana.
About half-way through the quiet drive in the backseat of a dark car, I looked down at the papers in my lap: My name is now Lee McCormick, born May 6th, 1980.