Chapter 10
The cool air rushed over Haylee’s flushed skin as she stepped into the building. Crushes were fleeting, and love never lasted. Everyone knew that. Everyone with half a brain and any experience in the real world knew that for a fact. She just had to remember it every time she thought of the sweet smile Cherish gave her, or the direct look when Haylee managed to surprise her.
And she had to stop letting that spur her to do it even more.
Already the air conditioning was cranked up, ready and prepared for the onslaught of suits and heels to clack and swish briskly through the ground-floor lobby. Haylee was going to miss that rush, but in her desire to meet Ms. Aarts’s needs, she was going to need to give up some of those simple pleasures.
The cafe in the lobby wasn’t yet open, but the staff was already there, slower than at any other time during the day.
On seeing Haylee, Micky—the barista—raised her hand and gave a sloppy wave back and forth while covering a yawn with the other hand.
“The usual?” Micky asked after she finished yawning, her eyes watering from the sleep she’d dragged her ass out of.
“Yes, please.” Haylee began taking down the chairs in the dining area as Micky started on the coffees and breakfast. They had made the deal one lunchtime when Haylee had managed to leave her desk for more than ten minutes.
The morning coffee and breakfast on Ms. Aarts’s desk as soon as she arrived at work had been one of the first things Haylee had put in place that earned her the ever-coveted nod from Ms. Aarts. And that feeling had lit her up for the rest of the day. Haylee would help set up the cafe, and Micky would make the food and drink before officially opening.
Haylee was exhausted by the end of the workday, but the extra two hours of sleep she missed was worth the morning boost she received. And that boost wasn’t just from the coveted nods, but from Cherish’s big smile and effusive praise of Haylee’s proactive decision. If Haylee thought about it, the energy came from Cherish.
The elevator doors closed behind her, and Haylee took one small slow step. And then another. She stopped, waiting for the motion sensor lights to register.
The bright fluorescents blinked and then blinked again before blazing into a full daylight beam.
Haylee took a reassuring breath, nodded her head and continued forward with her day. She turned and used her back to open the clear glass door so she wouldn’t drop the breakfast she carried.
She clutched Febe’s mail tightly in her fist, setting it on the desk and angling it perfectly. Then she added the coffee and bagel in the center so Ms. Aarts would see it first thing. Haylee left Febe’s office and wandered over to Cherish’s desk where she ran her fingers lightly over the woman’s perfectly reset desk. Always the same with pencils sharpened, pens lined up in a row, keyboard at the edge of the desk and mouse exactly centered in the middle of the pad.
Yeah sure, nothing more than a crush.
“Oh shut up,” Haylee muttered to herself, but the smile remained on her face.
She snagged the coffee she’d bought for Cherish and set it in the center of the desk before returning to her station to start on work.
Haylee was well into checking her emails when Ms. Aarts pushed open the door and stepped inside. She stopped briefly as her gaze fell on Haylee.
Haylee looked up, an easy smile on her face. “Good morning, Ms. Aarts.”
“Good morning, Haylee.” An almost smile touched Ms. Aarts thin lips, her high cheeks rising up slightly. That was a first, and Haylee only just barely resisted the urge to do a fist pump in the air.
“Cherish is running some errands for me this morning. She’ll be here in a few hours.” Ms. Aarts dropped her shoulders as if the attack that had been impending was over.
“Not a problem.” Haylee swallowed, a sinking feeling dropping into her stomach that disaster would strike without Cherish’s supervision to keep her out of trouble.
With a nod, Ms. Aarts disappeared into her office, the door snicking closed with an echo. Haylee blew out a breath and gave herself a light pat on the back, having finally done something right.
She tried to resist, but after a count of three, she threw both fists into the air, her smile spreading so wide she thought the corners of her lips might crack.
She was finally doing it. Showing that she could be a dedicated employee, a self-motivated worker who was here for the long term. She hadn’t yet admitted it to Cherish, but she realized as she reshuffled herself neatly into her chair that she enjoyed the challenge and knew without a doubt she would win this bet. Their boss might even be happy without getting laid.
As though time decided to fuck with her perspective, everything slowed down in a loud clash of shame and fear.
Ms. Aarts opened the door to her office forcefully, the echo of the door hitting the wall loud. Just then, Cherish pushed the front door open, her hands full of bags and her briefcase. Febe’s sharp voice echoed through Haylee’s skull and sent a shiver of pain down her spine.
“What. Is. This?”
Haylee pulled her eyes from watching Cherish come through the door, the greeting that had been on her lips dying in the instant Ms. Aarts’s anger filled the room. The tension was so thick, Haylee swore it could be cut with a knife.
“I’m sorry?” Haylee prickled at the weakness of her voice. What had she done?
“This.” Febe stepped forward and flung an envelope toward Haylee. The sharp edges of a crisp off-white envelope barely missed Haylee’s arm before it landed with a heavier thunk than Haylee had expected on the carpet beside her chair.
Was she supposed to reach down and get it?
What would happen if she did? Burning in a pit of hell?
Judging from Febe’s tone, that was definite.
“Are you really incapable of following the simplest of tasks, or are you as callous as the rest of the human race?” Febe didn’t wait for an answer. She narrowed her eyes at Haylee and turned.
For a moment Haylee watched horrified as those narrowed eyes stopped on Cherish and deepened. Then, like a whirlwind, the piercing gaze and woman who wielded it disappeared behind a door closed too loudly. The echo of the force couldn’t hide the stunned silence and stillness that stretched between Haylee and Cherish.
With an audibly shaky intake of air, as though she had forgotten to breathe for the past minute or two, which seemed to have been the case, Haylee bent down and retrieved the envelope.
Her fingers trembled on the stiff stationary as she turned it over, the rough texture brushing the pads of her fingers. Cold washed over her body. A chill that made goosebumps run up her arms and raised the baby fine hair on the back of her neck.
“What is that?” Cherish snapped, standing over Haylee.
“It…” Haylee fumbled for words that weren’t coming. “I didn’t see it in the pile this morning. I didn’t realize it was there.”
“What. Is. It?” Cherish’s nose flared as she echoed Febe’s question, and Haylee was reminded of the anger of bulls taunted with red flags.
Haylee couldn’t find any more words. She handed over the envelope, not even surprised in the least when Cherish snatched it. Gone was the ease of the morning. The day that had started so nicely had gone to shit in mere seconds.
“You put this on her desk?” Cherish’s voice was low and dangerous. She flicked her gaze up at Haylee, glaring daggers.
Haylee instantly wished for Febe to come back to the room. Maybe she could save Haylee from Cherish’s wrath, which was suddenly a whole lot worse than Febe’s.
“I swear, I didn’t know it was there, Cherish. It was an honest mistake.” Haylee’s stomach dropped again, bile swirling and threatening to come right back up.
“Sure.” Cherish’s word was so sharp that Haylee wondered if she would find small cuts all over her skin when she escaped to the bathroom. Cherish shook her head as she stomped to her desk. “And here I was starting to believe you were actually in this for the long run. I actually believed you could handle this job.”
“Cherish,” Haylee pleaded, the sound so close to her memory of Precious on the phone, but what else could she do? She was nearly in tears, ready to run out of there and never come back.
“It’s done, Haylee.” Cherish’s words snapped out, and Haylee knew it was the end of the conversation.
Cherish was right. She was awful at her job. It was a simple mistake, but it was one that she should have caught. What all this would mean for her future gnawed at Haylee’s stomach for the rest of the day. And she was unable to eat anything for fear of throwing it all up.
Every time Haylee thought about apologizing, Cherish shot her another glare, and Haylee froze up. She hated this. Haylee knew what it was like to feel part of a workplace now. She had friends here, and she’d thought Cherish was tipping the scales from coworker to friend too. But now she understood what it felt like to know the people and be able to exchange a casual ease that she had never experienced before. She didn’t want to give that up.
By the time Haylee got home, she was certain tomorrow would bring her termination, and the world seemed to press on her shoulders heavier than it had in a long time. She had finally found her place, even someone who might have been able to be a friend, so long as she stopped imagining her half-dressed and writhing on their boss’s desk.
Haylee let her bag drop to the floor just inside the door of her friend’s run-down apartment. She pulled the phone from her pocket, ignored the pop-up alerts, opened the phone app, and pressed the first and only favorite in the list.
The phone rang five times before she heard the only voice she ever wanted to hear again.
“Hey, baby sis. What’s up?” The familiar warm tones of her brother’s voice filled her ear.
That was all it took for Haylee to burst into tears. The rush of words about her day spilled through the phone. It would be so much better if Jackson could be there to hold her, but he was on the other side of the country. She was lucky he’d even been able to answer.
He made all the right noises at the right times and encouraged her when she faltered, not willing to put into words what hurt more, Febe’s iciness or Cherish’s.
Beyond that he did what she knew he would and allowed her to get it all off of her chest. The fear and frustration were loose and exposed. And then he put on his big-brother-knows-all tone of voice and worked Haylee through her meltdown.
“All right, Haylee. So you fucked up by letting your boss read her own mail?” He didn’t sound convinced.
“Well, yeah.” Haylee rolled her eyes, and the first hints of a smile touched the corners of her lips. “But it’s my job. Very explicitly explained to me by Febe's first personal assistant that I couldn’t let that letter end up on her desk.”
“I thought you were both receptionists.” She could almost see his eye roll and wrinkled nose. God, why couldn’t they video call already? She missed him so much. The sting of loneliness hit her harder than she expected, and despite being on the phone with Jackson, she knew it wasn’t enough.
“Yeah.” Haylee stopped pacing her small living space and plonked down on the futon she was using for both couch and bed. “But she’s been working there since the beginning, and what we do is more than just reception work.”
“Okay, so it was a fuckup, not just an overly precious situation.”
“Well, maybe a bit of both.”
“Why do you care so much about this job, Haylee? You’ve never cared before. Is your age getting to you? Because you’re not old either. That would make me old, and I refuse to believe that.”
Haylee snorted and closed her eyes. Her new roommate came in the front door, and not for the first time, Haylee wished she had privacy to have this phone call. But she was officially couch surfing since she couldn’t make rent this month and her old roommates kicked her out.
“No, well maybe a little, but it’s what the place stands for.” Haylee swallowed down the lump in her throat as she leaned back into the familiar cushions. Pulling her feet up to her chest and resting her chin on her knees, she continued, “and what I could have done there if I wasn’t such an idiot.”
“You aren’t an idiot. You just sometimes rush into things before you’ve really thought it through.”
“What’s the point in planning everything when nothing lasts and—” that damn lump returned to her throat, making it hard to speak “—and it’s not like we always have control over what comes next anyway.”
The meaning was clear in the silence that stretched between them. Haylee and Jackson had never brought up his name again, not together—not since his funeral.
“All right.” Finally Jackson broke the tension, his tone forced into a lightness neither of them felt. He skated right around the topic that was off limits. “So what’s the game plan going forward?”
“Walk in, tail between my legs?” Haylee let a nervous chuckle roll through her.
“Nope.” He sounded so sure of himself it threw Haylee for a moment. “You walk in there as though nothing happened. You said yourself you’ve already apologized. It’s time to move forward and keep going on with your plan to make them fall in love with you.”
Heat radiated outward from Haylee’s cheeks, her chest tightened, and the tops of her thighs pulsed. She couldn’t do that. She wasn’t the confident big brother that Jackson was. She was a secretary, for fuck’s sake.
“I just want to do some good.” Haylee’s words came out far less passionately than she had hoped, the warmth in her body distracting her.
“Then why do you sound so scared?” He was too damn good at this big brother gig sometimes.
“Because this is the closest I’ve ever come to really wanting something, and I just keep fucking it up.” She couldn’t lie to him, and if he pushed, she would tell him everything. But they couldn’t do that without talking about it.
“Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” Haylee imagined she could see Jackson winking at her, a half-cocked smile covering his scruffy face. God, she missed him.
“How many times have you watched that episode of Criminal Minds now?” Haylee smiled, truly, for the first time since early that morning.
“Just a few.” The laugh was light, and it lifted some of the residual tension that remained in Haylee’s chest.
They chatted for a few more minutes, Jackson catching her up on the more vital moments of his week before they said their goodbyes.
Some days he was the only thing keeping her grounded, keeping her from being unable to take that next step forward. He was the only one who believed in who she could be. And most of the more poignant things that came out of her mouth were things she had learned from him.
But could she really go back tomorrow as though nothing had happened? Could she rock up and bounce through her day, put a smile on her face as though she hadn’t colossally fucked up for Cherish? For Febe? Did it really matter who?
Even as she asked it, lying back on the futon in the dark with sleep eluding her, she knew just how much it mattered.