Chapter 19
Everything.
The one word kept ringing through Cherish’s mind. Last year had been Febe’s final straw, and Cherish hadn’t known how to help her. It’d been beyond her capabilities, and it had shattered both of them. Haylee couldn’t know any of that, and yet, Cherish had promised her that information. But who was it for?
Febe?
Or Cherish?
Biting her lip, Cherish stared out the window at the dark sky and city lights as the limo drove through town. She was wasting so much time. And she was never one to do that.
“Cherish?” Haylee prompted, no doubt wanting exactly what Cherish had promised.
“It’d been eighteen months, and so we thought she’d be okay.”
Cherish clenched her fingers together tightly. Haylee rubbed her palm over Cherish’s hands, prying them open to grasp them and lift them to her lips for a tender kiss. How could Haylee know that was exactly what Cherish needed?
“She wasn’t. The gala was later in the year, and it coincided closely with Bernie’s birthday. And Febe had just gotten the news that she was going to be a step-grandmother. As happy as she was, it was also this heavy reminder of everything that Bernie was going to miss out on.”
“How did she die?” Haylee’s voice was so soft.
Cherish leaned into the gentle caress of Haylee’s caring. Sighing, Cherish closed her eyes and rested her head back into the seat. She spoke from memory, holding in the tears that wanted to wash her clean of all the grief she’d been holding in. “Bernie was sick when they met. She’d been sick for a long time, and even though we knew she was going to die, Febe still married her. Like I said, Bernie is the love of Febe’s life.”
“That’s awful.”
“Is it, though?” Cherish turned her head toward Haylee, locking their eyes together. “Febe would say It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”
Haylee’s face pinched. “I don’t know about that.”
“Me either.” Cherish gave a wan smile. “I guess at least we agree on that.” It was confirmation that whatever they were doing was simply for this moment. They wouldn’t take it beyond a few short nights together. Flipping her hand, Cherish wrapped her fingers around Haylee’s. “But that’s Febe’s stance.”
“And the gala?”
“Right. The gala.” Cherish blew out a breath. “She was supposed to give a speech about the Holbrook Foundation and why she’d started it, but she couldn’t. She got drunk before the gala even started. I helped her up to the podium, and she couldn’t make it more than two sentences in. She gave up.”
“She was grieving,” Haylee defended. “I can’t believe she thought she could do something that impossible.”
Cherish raised an eyebrow. “This is Febe we’re talking about.”
“True,” Haylee agreed. “So she was just embarrassed?”
Cringing, Cherish shook her head. “No. She couldn’t keep herself together when she was talking to the other donors. The gala is a fundraiser, and it’s the biggest fundraiser for the foundation. This was only the second year—she skipped the first one, thankfully—but they were expecting her to be present. She was anything but.”
“Surely they could recognize a woman in grief.”
“They could probably chalk it up to that, if Ms. Aarts hadn’t insisted on calling everyone to apologize personally. Which only made a mess of things.” Cherish ran her fingers up and down Haylee’s arm. What would it feel like to be wrapped around Haylee tonight? Would Cherish even allow herself to do that?
“You’re clearly not telling me a big part of this story.”
“It’s mostly all of these little things that turned into big things. Febe hit a breaking point that night. She couldn’t keep track of anything, and so any apologies she tried failed. She missed lunches and meetings. She couldn’t keep focused long enough, so when she went to apologize it ended in a way where she needed to apologize again. In essence, she alienated every donor they had. She broke, Haylee. She completely broke.”
“I can’t imagine.”
“No one can.” Cherish rested her head on Haylee’s shoulder. They were almost to the hotel where the gala was being held, and they would have to put some space between them soon. “She took some time off work, finally. She did some intensive therapy, but she’s still not the woman I knew growing up. You can’t tell me that love was worth that.”
The car stopped. Cherish straightened herself and smoothed her dress down. She shared a quick look with Haylee before stepping out of the car with the iPad in her fingertips. This year had to go better than last. It just had to.
They stepped into the lavishly decorated ballroom. Round tables with ten seats at each filled the half of the room closest to the stage. Banners of white and teal announced the foundation, and delicate decorations wove around the entire room bearing the same colors. Cherish and Haylee, a professional distance apart, walked in, and Cherish enjoyed the confidence in Haylee’s stride from the periphery of her vision.
It was show time, and Cherish couldn’t think about anything but this event. She had to focus on Febe, ensuring she never reached a point of breaking, not again. Not ever again.
Haylee followed Cherish around as Cherish followed Febe. All from a distance. She made sure that every interaction of Febe’s was done well and that there were no hiccups. To honor Bernie the right way, this had to work.
As they sat down for dinner, Febe at a table with Allegra and some of the big financial donors, Cherish kept sneaking looks at her.
But of course, Febe being who she was knew Cherish was watching. At one point, Febe looked directly back and nodded smartly. Her look was sharp, her eyes present and alive.
This wasn’t the woman Cherish had seen last year. This year Febe was someone new entirely. Cherish’s shoulders dropped away from her ears. She could relax. Enough that she even smiled at Haylee over her wine glass. Maybe tonight really would be a success. Not like last year’s doomed event.
The speeches started as dessert was served. Febe was second in line to talk. Cherish held her breath as Febe stood in front of the clear podium. She looked perfect. Her normally straight dark hair had been curled tonight and pulled back in a beautiful twist. Her bright blue eyes were clear as day, her high cheeks rosy. Cherish could fall in love with her any day and never regret it.
Where had that thought come from?
Swallowing, Cherish snagged Haylee’s hand under the table and laced their fingers together. The odd feeling, pulling her from Febe to Haylee, sat heavily in the top of her chest. She had to sort that through, and soon, because if she didn’t it was going to overwhelm her. Something didn’t feel right within her anymore, and she couldn’t put her finger on what. But all the comfort she’d had with herself, her position, and where she was in life seemed to shift.
But why?
Febe ended her speech, and Cherish hadn’t even noticed she’d begun. Damn, she was so distracted by her own plight. Cherish tightened her jaw and narrowed her eyes at the stage. She had to focus already. She had to be a better assistant than she’d managed so far tonight.
Haylee tugged her slightly to get her attention. “I’m going to run to the bathroom.”
“Okay,” Cherish whispered back, getting a strong whiff of Haylee’s cologne. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered, and she closed her eyes against them as they moved into her heart. Haylee tugged her hand, and Cherish realized belatedly that she still had a tight grasp on it.
“I kind of need my hand to go.”
“Sorry.” Cherish’s cheeks burned. She clasped her hands in her lap, preventing herself from trailing off after Haylee when that was all she really wanted to do. But just what would they do if she did follow?
Haylee walked away, and Cherish kept her gaze on Haylee’s ass, the sway of her hips from side to side in the dark pants. They made her look slimmer, but nothing could get rid of the wide hips that Cherish had willingly grabbed hold of earlier that night.
Damn.
“Cherish.” Febe’s voice was sharp in her ear. “Come with me.”
“Yes, Ms. Aarts.” Cherish swallowed the arousal.
When the hell had Febe shown up?
Standing up, Cherish followed Febe to the open bar. Once they stood in front, drinks ordered, Febe canted her head to the side and looked Cherish over with certainty. “I told you tonight would go well.”
“You were right,” Cherish answered, her hands shaking as she took her drink.
Febe released a breath, a smile blooming on her lips. Cherish longed for that smile to be aimed at her, but there was a distance even now between them. Cherish hated it. Was Stuart right that she was the cause of it?
“We need to talk.”
Febe’s words stung. Those words never meant anything good. Cherish held her ground, masking any hurt or discomfort. But Febe had known her all her life. There was nothing she could hide. Febe’s face fell, and she stepped in close, wrapping a hand along Cherish’s elbow to hold onto her.
“Sometimes, Cherish, it’s good to move forward. No matter how hard it is.”
Was Febe implying that Cherish’s crush needed to be done with? That she had to move on and leave? Find a new job because this just wasn’t working anymore?
“Cherry.” Febe dropped her voice, as if realizing the chaos she’d just thrown Cherish into. “I’m talking about me.”
“Oh. Oh!” Cherish blinked wildly. “Okay.” Biting her lip, Cherish looked over Febe’s shoulder toward the bathrooms, finding Haylee walking out of them. A lightness grew in her chest, one she wasn’t ready to recognize just yet.
“I don’t want to be the person I was last year.”
What was she supposed to say to that? Cherish fully supported Febe in whatever she decided, but was Febe wanting to change everything about who she was? Because if that was the case… Who was she? Cherish focused back on Febe. “That’s probably a good thing.”
“Yeah.” Febe smiled again, her gaze flicking from Cherish toward the table Cherish had been sitting at. Then she turned to look at Haylee. Her smile brightened as she faced Cherish again. “Don’t you ever feel like that? Like you just need something new and exciting in your life?”
Honestly?
No.
Cherish thrived in routine and normalcy. Change disrupted those things, and it always threw her into a tailspin. Welcome to why she hadn’t just said yes to having sex with Haylee yet. What was she supposed to do with all of that? Keeping everything status quo was for the best.
“I need that. I need a fresh start.” Febe’s hand was back on Cherish’s elbow, heat from her fingers seeping into Cherish’s skin.
But Cherish wasn’t thinking about Febe touching her. It was the smooth caresses from Haylee, the soft way Cherish had stroked Haylee’s arm in the limo, the tender hand on Cherish’s knee under the table that night. When Cherish blinked and looked Febe directly in the eye, she knew she’d been caught with her mind wandering.
“Wouldn’t you like something like that?”
Shaking her head, Cherish stayed her ground. However, the distance between them increased even more. What was happening? It shouldn’t be like this. They had been the best of friends for years. Cherish had moved out here because Febe had asked. And yet… Cherish trailed off on that thought. Yet now Febe was wanting to move on from this?
“I think healing is a good thing, Ms. Aarts.” Cherish bit her tongue. She was choosing her words so carefully, yet she didn’t feel like she was saying anything at all.
Febe clicked her tongue. “We’re not talking as boss and employee, Cherry. We’re talking as friends.”
So they were still friends. Cherish’s heart clenched at that. She found Haylee across the room, their eyes locking. Cherish wished Haylee was there—maybe she could help interpret what was going on, because Cherish was so lost. And she was never this clueless when it came to Febe.
“I want you to be happy, Cherry. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
“I’m happy.” The words sounded hollow, even to her ears. But she wanted them to be true. She’d always wanted that. But she’d dragged herself to the city when she was a country girl. She’d masqueraded for years in Portland when she was barely even farm chic back home. And Febe hadn’t noticed her any more than before.
“I really hope you’re not just saying that.” Febe cupped Cherish’s cheek then let her hand drop. “You deserve love like I’ve found.”
Deserving it wasn’t in debate. Cherish didn’t want it. But no one would ever hear that argument. They couldn’t understand it. Nodding succinctly, Cherish rolled her shoulders. “I’m glad this year went better than last.”
“Yes. I’d say this was quite a success. We’ll have to have lunch with Allegra to celebrate soon.”
“I’ll get it scheduled.”
“Please do.” Febe smiled, but this time she was looking beyond Cherish.
Turning, Cherish found Haylee at their table. She looked concerned. Cherish held her hand up, hoping to ease whatever Haylee was worried about, but she wasn’t sure the communication was effective.
“Have fun tonight. There’s no reason to hold back.” Febe touched her arm lightly as she walked away, leaving a wake of tension.
But what was that tension?
Because it wasn’t what Cherish was used to feeling.
Cherish watched with rapt attention as Haylee stood up from her seat and walked toward her. Staying still, Cherish waited. Haylee’s blazer moved around her, the button undone. Cherish had to clench her thighs together at the sight of this beautiful woman coming to her. This was what it should feel like, right?
Anticipation.
Hope.
Pure arousal.
Cherish’s heart hammered. Haylee’s hand on her elbow, where Febe’s had been. This was what Cherish had wanted. This strength and touch. Not Febe’s.
“Everything good?” Haylee asked.
“Yeah,” Cherish choked out. “Everything’s perfect.”
“You sure?”
“Yep.” Cherish sucked in a sharp breath. “About our conversation, back at my place…”
“What about it?” Haylee slid her hand down Cherish’s forearms to her fingers. She laced them.
“Let’s wait a bit before we talk about it again. Okay?” Cherish hated doing this. But she was in such a tailspin from that last conversation with Febe and she needed to sort herself out. She needed answers, and she couldn’t ask for more from Haylee until she knew. Until she had answers.
“Okay?” Haylee asked.
“I just…” Cherish sighed heavily and squeezed Haylee’s hand. “I need to figure some things out, make sure I’m ready before anything else happens with us. I don’t want to give you false hope.”
“Oh.” Haylee’s cheeks turned red. “I get that.”
“And I’ve been all over the place.” Cherish’s lips curled upward. “You deserve better than what I’ve been giving you.”
“I guess,” Haylee mumbled.
“No guessing about it. Give me one week. I need some time to work through my own head. Let me just make sure that I’m doing this for the right reasons.” Cherish moved in and kissed Haylee’s cheek. “Because I want to do this. Don’t doubt that.” Cherish’s stomach clenched. She pried her hand out of Haylee’s.
“Cherish…” Haylee trailed off, still looking confused.
“Now’s not the time.” Cherish nodded and walked away. She still had work to do tonight, and she would use that as a distraction while she could.