CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
ANGIE
“We’ve been friends longer than we were ever together as a couple,” I say, thinking out loud and reflecting on how I treated Tommy. “Why did I panic? Why did the words I wanted to say, get stuck in my throat? He must hate me.”
I take a daisy from the wildflower bouquet I’ve placed on Scott’s plaque and, one by one, pick the tiny white petals from the bright yellow centre.
I almost kissed Tommy and I let that thought eat away at my conscience.
Now I’m here, doing what I always do in times of self-doubt.
I visit Scott’s memorial and let it all come out.
This special place where we buried his ashes has become my confessional.
No one will ever replace Scott, but there is something between me and Tommy that I can’t deny.
I felt a bolt of lightning for the first time in years.
I won’t ignore it or the swirl in my stomach every time the memory of his mouth so close to mine fills my head.
It’s not a bad swirl either. It’s an excited one, and that’s the problem.
The excitement also fills me with guilt. Shouldn’t I be grieving forever?
“What do I do?” Looking up to the sky, I’m in turmoil. “Should I have these feelings for another man? Especially Tommy. He hurt me once upon a time and I hated him for it, but because of your wise words, my darling Scott, I came around and finally forgave him.”
“Anger is a wasted energy. The past is done, and no amount of hate will change that. Give Tommy a chance. He’s a really great bloke.”
“You were right and since losing you, he’s been there for me whenever I need him. He always has my back and, up until this point, we’ve never once felt anything more than friendship. At least, I haven’t.”
Wiping my tears on the back of my sleeve, I continue to think out loud. “I’m so confused. Why is getting close to Tommy so devastating, yet I didn’t care when Fraser full on kissed me? Is it because Fraser meant nothing, but Tommy… shit.” Realisation hits me like a brick.
My throat is raw as I swallow down the lump inside. “I don’t want to lose his friendship. Is it possible to have both? You and I did, so why can’t I have that with Tommy?” Looking up again to the heavens, I hope for some kind of sign that I know will never come.
I pick another daisy from the small bunch I’ve added to his vase and twirl it between my fingers while I look around.
“It’s so quiet here, but then I’m used to having Josh around.
He’s growing fast, you know and he makes me laugh all the time, just like you used to do.
He’s got your smile and your charm.” I smile to myself.
“He certainly drives the girls wild at school, but that could be because he tries to put plasticine in their hair. His teacher called me about it last week.”
I look around the memorial garden and it’s empty.
“I don’t know how you stand this silence all the time.
You know, sometimes, once Josh has gone to bed, I keep the TV on just for company.
I still haven’t got used to being on my own.
I don’t think I ever will. Jesus, what will I do once Josh grows up and leaves home?
What if I turn into one of those crazy old cat ladies?
It’s probably a good job I’m not keen on them. ”
The light is fading, and a shadow casts over the gardens.
“I should go, my love. The sun is setting, and it’s getting creepy.
I want to get back before it gets too dark and I should relieve Connie.
Oh, that’s Tommy’s nanny by the way. She’s babysitting Josh for me as Tommy is visiting his parents with his little boy.
” Then I raise my brows when I realise something.
“I wonder if Tommy makes arrangements to free up Connie on purpose to help me out.” I ponder that thought while pushing myself up from the ground, brushing myself down and taking a few moments just staring at Scott’s stone.
“Whatever happens, I want you to know there will always be a special place in my heart reserved just for you.” I kiss my fingertips and lay them on his engraved name. “Love you.”
I throw my keys into the bowl by the stairs as I enter the house. It’s quiet, which worries me. The last two times Connie has looked after Josh, there’s been so much laughter. It was good to hear.
“Hello? Anyone around?” I call out.
“In here, babe.”
My stomach freefalls. Is that Tommy? Shit. What is he doing here?
“Hello?” I say again.
“Hey.” He stands from the sofa and walks around the back to greet me. His hands are in the pockets of his blue jeans.
“Where are Josh and Connie?” I ask, looking past him.
He must hear the slight panic in my tone. “Don’t worry, they’re all good. I came over to see if Josh wanted to join us for ice cream, but Connie said she was happy to take them both. I’ve hung back because I wanted to talk to you. Is that okay?”
I take off my coat. “Yeah, sure.” After hanging it up, I continue into the kitchen.
He follows me, his woody scent overpowering my senses, and my heart pounds in my ears.
I’m embarrassed by how we left things previously, and I avoid eye contact.
I can’t carry on like this for much longer. I’ve missed him.
“Can I get you a drink or anything?” I ask, opening the fridge and retrieving a bottle of water.
“No. I’m good.”
I unscrew the top and guzzle down half the bottle before I stop. I didn’t realise how thirsty I was.
“Can we sit for a bit?”
I glance his way. When he asks anything of me, even just to take a seat, it gives me palpitations, and why is he looking so bloody gorgeous with his newly cut, ruffled curly hair?
He hasn’t shaved either, giving him a rough jawline, and I note just enough buttons undone on his shirt for me to remember how buff he is in the chest area.
“Angie?”
Oh, shit. He said something I missed.
“Did I lose you there for a minute?”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “I mean, yes, sorry. I’m all ears.”
He takes my hand and leads me to the sofa while my skin prickles with excitement.
“Are you mad at me?”
I scratch my forehead, looking anywhere around the room, but at Tommy. “Mad? No.” If anyone should be mad, it should be him.
“Then what?” He sits forward, his legs wide and his hands cupped between them. “You’ve been avoiding me the past few days, so if you’re not mad, what is it?”
I purse my lips, unsure how to answer. When seconds go by without a reply he adds, “Please, babe. Talk to me.”
My stomach cartwheels over and over. It’s part nerves, part panic, part confusion. I’m scared to lose what we have, but then, I also know I want everything with Tommy. I’m so drawn to him that when we’re together, I could easily submit.
I never expected to be in this position with him again. One where I would look for excuses to touch and be near him. These feelings are new, but at the same time, warm and familiar. Does he have any idea how confusing this is for me?
“The other night—the whole situation took me by surprise.” I try to explain.
He sighs. “But you must have noticed how this heat between us has been burning for a while? I know I’ve felt it. Then the other night, something came over me and all I wanted to do was be as close to you as possible. I couldn’t stop myself.” His palm runs down his face. “It just felt right.”
I’m certain my face is a brighter shade of pink as my internal dialogue agrees with him. I know exactly what he means.
“Did I get this all wrong or did you feel it too?” The way his beautiful hazel eyes are looking at me should be illegal. I can’t breathe properly.
He wants an answer, and I’ve spent the last few hours and days going over this dilemma without reaching a conclusion. Until now. This could be my chance to be happy again. “You’re not wrong,” I reply, acting on that thought.
His shoulders relax and he breathes out a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck.” His lips twitch up at the sides.
There’s a long, silver chain around his neck along with an Aries pendant. It hangs between the opening of his shirt and the skin of his chest, causing me to close my eyes, block out the image of diving in lips first and licking my way from pendant to stomach and beyond.
“Angie?”
“Yes.” I jump a little, embarrassed again by my thoughts.
He takes my hand in his and runs his thumb back and forth across my hand.
He causes my heartbeat to accelerate and there’s no way of disguising it as my chest heaves up and down.
When he stares deep into my eyes and says, “You know I care about you so much and if your apprehension has anything to do with Scott, I want you to know I’d never do anything to disrespect his memory. ”
I may just self-combust. He doesn’t need to tell me this. His sincerity shines through in everything he does. I reply with a breathy, “Yes, I know.”
He chews his bottom lip, shakes his head and with a slight crack in his voice, he says, “I can’t explain why this is happening, Angie, but there’s something inside me that wants you more now, than ever.
” He swallows hard before he adds, “The voice in my head says we shouldn’t ruin what we have, but in honesty, just being your friend is not enough for me anymore.
Is that wrong?” His beautiful eyes are pleading with me to reassure him. I wish I could, but I have to be sure.
When I met Scott, it took me a little time to give him a chance.
He had to prove himself because of his chequered past, but as soon as I put my faith in him, I knew he was a good man.
I never doubted his honesty and love for me.
With Tommy, it’s different. We’ve been there before and when we finished the first time around, I promised myself I’d never date another musician.
But then, Tommy is a different man nowadays.
He’s honest, open, and an amazing father.
More than that, he makes me feel alive again.
My heart is saying yes; there’s room in here to love again.
Then my head says, do not choose Tommy Graham.
You’ve been there once. Don’t go there again.
With that thought, I wonder what the hell I’m doing? What if this whole thing with Tommy is more about flattery than feelings? What if I make a fool of myself over him.
I can’t risk it.
A snap decision clicks into place as I answer, “Friendship is the best I can offer you.”
His eyes widen. I think my answer has shocked him. He takes me in, his eyes searching mine, but eventually, he nods his acceptance. “I understand.” His mouth curves up on one side, but it’s not his killer smile. “I’ll see you soon.”
He kisses my cheek and the heat of his breath against my skin causes my pulse to race and an ache in my chest.
He looks back once before he leaves and I tell myself that this is for the best. But then, why is my stomach so sick at the thought of losing him? Why is there a need inside me to run after him and tell him I’ve made a horrible mistake. How long can I go on like this? My head is a total mess.