Chapter 24 Jessiah #2
“I don’t want to be a freak anymore, Jess!
” he burst out. “I don’t want to be scared all the time!
I want to meet my friends and go to school without having to worry about it!
I hate that these fucking panic attacks are controlling my life, don’t you get that?
” He took a deep breath and exhaled again.
“Of course you don’t get it. As if you’ve ever been afraid of anything in your life. ”
I let out a snort. “Of course I’m afraid. All the time, though maybe for different reasons than you.” I remembered Helena, pinned to the wall by Pratt. But I pushed that thought aside.
“You packed a bag and emigrated to Australia when you were eighteen,” argued my little brother. “That’s braver than anything I could ever do. I couldn’t even get on a plane by myself without freaking out.”
We’d arrived at Henry’s apartment building, and I pulled in before switching off the engine and turning to face Eli.
“I was running away,” I said candidly. We’d never spoken about it before—all I’d told him was that I had to see something else besides New York City.
But Eli was fifteen now—he could handle the truth.
“I couldn’t stand being in this city anymore after my dad died and everything else that happened.
It wasn’t some courageous move; it was just a way out.
” One with fatal consequences—look what had happened to Adam.
“I can’t stand it here either,” Eli said quietly, looking out the window.
He sounded so helpless and desperate, it broke my heart.
I’d said after the kidnapping that Eli might not be built for the big city, just like me.
But my mother obviously didn’t want to hear a word about moving to somewhere less central.
Whenever I brought it up, she would start talking about boarding schools in Europe, but that was the last thing Eli wanted or needed.
So I stopped mentioning it and just did my best to prevent the attacks.
“You know what we’re going to do?” I tried to strike a positive note.
“We’re finally going to drive up to Swan Lake again this weekend.
” Swan Lake was where my dad’s farm was.
It wasn’t a working farm anymore, but the place was still maintained, and if I called ahead, they would get the main house ready for us.
“Do you think Mom and Dad will let us?” Eli asked doubtfully.
“Let’s find out.” I opened my door decisively.
Like my mother, Henry lived in one of the most modern buildings in the city, only this one was slightly smaller than Coldwell House.
The concierge greeted Eli and me before we took the elevator up, and I waited as my brother unlocked the apartment door.
His father was already waiting in the hall, clearly pissed.
“Where were you?” he snapped at his son. “You should have been here an hour ago. Why didn’t Frank pick you up?”
Eli shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry, Dad, I… I had…”
“It was my fault,” I jumped in. “I told Frank I was going to pick Eli up from school. We played a round of basketball down at the pier and lost track of time.”
Henry fixed me with his dark eyes, and I knew what he was thinking: the whole time we’d lived in the same house, I had done nothing but lie to him.
We got on okay these days, but nevertheless, he knew that I would always take Eli’s side.
“Thanks for dropping him off, Jess,” he said simply.
“But I’d like to talk to my son alone now. ”
I raised my chin. “Actually, I was hoping I could speak to you for a minute,” I replied. Although we’d lived under the same roof for four years, Henry and I had never gotten particularly close, but since Adam’s death, there was at least something akin to respect between us.
The story of how Henry became part of our family wasn’t long in the telling.
He was ten years younger than my mother and had started as an assistant in the firm—which was how they’d met.
It didn’t surprise me that they’d seen something in each other; they were both equally intelligent, ambitious, and obsessed with success.
Trish had married him after dating for just six months; a year later, Eli was born.
I was living with my father at the time, but Adam had told me at some point that Henry was eager to have children of his own.
Probably his way of attaching himself to Trish and CW for all time.
And with moderate success—he had shares in the company, but he hadn’t managed to establish himself in a leadership position before they got divorced.
If Eli were to join the firm in a few years, that could change.
So it was all the more important to Henry that Eli become a functioning member of society.
Henry nodded curtly. “Okay. Eli, go get changed, we have to get to your grandparents’.”
My brother grabbed his bag and went to his room.
I followed Henry into the kitchen, which reminded me a lot of my mother’s—the decor in the whole apartment was just as cool and sterile, only here, almost everything was black rather than white.
“So what is it?” he asked, without offering me anything. “We’re really very late.”
“It won’t take long.” I leveled him with a look. “I’d like your permission to take Eli up to the farm one weekend. We used to do it before, and it always really helped him.”
Henry shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said. “He’ll never get over this if he just runs away from the city. We’re not paying a fortune for an exposure therapist only for him to avoid exposure.”
I sighed. “It’s just about giving him space to breathe, that’s all. I feel like the attacks are happening more frequently. Could it be that you and Trish are putting too much pressure on him?”
Henry’s expression hardened. “So you admit he had an episode earlier? I know my own son, Jess; don’t take me for a fool. He had a panic attack and called you, didn’t he?”
“You’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself why he called me and not you.” My eyes narrowed. “You and Trish, you constantly make him feel like he’s not enough. How is it ever going to get any better when he thinks he’s disappointing you by showing any sign of weakness?”
“I didn’t know our parenting was any of your business,” Henry stonewalled.
“Eli’s my brother,” I said coolly. “So it is my business if I get the impression he isn’t okay.”
“Half brother,” Henry reminded me. “And you have no idea what it’s like to be a father, not knowing when your child is finally going to get over his trauma.”
“That’s true. But I know what it’s like to have people expect things of you constantly.”
Henry snorted. “Are you really comparing yourself with Eli? You were a troublemaker who went to surf instead of school and thought it was an act of rebellion to fuck girls on the roof terrace while we had business dinners downstairs. You never gave a shit what your mother or I wanted.”
“That’s right,” I confirmed. “But Eli does.”
“I do not have unrealistic expectations of him!” Henry yelled furiously. “I just want him to be normal again!”
That was it, I finally snapped, and gave Henry a piece of my mind.
“He is normal! He went through some shit, and he’s not okay—that’s the most normal thing in the world!
I know Trish can’t get that into her head, but I would have thought you at least were sensible enough to understand that you’re both just making it worse! ”
It had been awful for us all—the day we’d gotten the call to tell us that Eli’s car had been found abandoned in an alley, with no trace of him or his driver.
And yes, it was a long time ago. But Henry and Trish didn’t see that although their son might have grown into a fifteen-year-old, he was still really just the little boy who’d been kept in a hole somewhere and mistreated for almost two weeks.
And that it was going to take more than regular therapy to get him through it—he needed his family’s support.
Directly after the kidnapping, Adam and I had tried our best to provide safety for Eli, and we’d done a good job.
But now Adam was dead. And I would gladly go up against Trish and Henry every single day, but if they weren’t going to listen to what I had to say then there was no point.
“We are not making it worse—but if that’s what you’re brainwashing Eli to believe, perhaps Trish and I should reconsider whether it’s a good idea for you to continue to see him.” Henry’s tone was ice-cold.
I laughed. “Are you for real? Great idea. Maybe I’ll make a few calls too, and find out how I can prevent you from seeing him as well.”
“Don’t threaten me, Jessiah,” he said in warning. “Or you’ll regret it.”
“Don’t you threaten me, Henry.” I took a step forward. “Trish and I were never particularly close, but when it comes to the art of warfare, you better believe I take after her. So you should know you’d be a damn fool to take me on.”
“You—”
“Are you guys fighting about me?”
We wheeled around and saw Eli standing in the doorway. I said “Yes,” at the same time as Henry said “No,” which just went to show who was honest with Eli and who wasn’t. But I wasn’t going to get any further tonight. I would talk to my mother about the trip to Swan Lake.
“I have to go, I have a meeting. I’ll see you tomorrow, little guy.”
“Yeah, sure.” Eli gave a cautious smile, casting a look at his father, but Henry was smart enough not to argue with me. I said my goodbyes and left. And while I rode the elevator down, I asked myself if there would ever come a day when I wasn’t needed here in New York City.
Or whether I had to make my peace with staying forever.