Chapter 30 Jessiah
“How far is it now?” Eli called out to me impatiently.
“Another half hour, tops. You tired or something?” I grinned and turned to my little brother walking behind me, a backpack on his back and a Yankees cap on his head.
We’d decided at breakfast this morning that the weather was fine enough to hike out to Swan Lake.
Now it was late afternoon, and we were on our way home, but the hike had clearly been a bit much for Eli.
“No, I just want to know, that’s all,” he said defensively, returning my grin. I hadn’t seen him so relaxed in a long time. Since we’d arrived at my father’s farm yesterday afternoon, he seemed to leave New York further behind with each passing minute. And he wasn’t the only one.
The untouched landscape out here was exactly what my brother needed to really take a breath.
When I’d suggested the trip, I was mostly thinking of Eli, of course, but if I were being honest, it was doing me just as much good.
Getting out, getting some peace and quiet, some distance from the city, seeing something different. I should have done it a long time ago.
After a very successful meeting with Bill Jefferson at the Mirage, my mother had had a moment of lenience and said yes to my bringing Eli to Swan Lake for the weekend.
The place was tiny, consisting of just a single street with a few houses and a seafood restaurant.
There were several farms dotted around with acres of land attached, like my father’s—only he had sold most of his pastureland to the neighbors during his lifetime.
It was a shame, really, that no one looked after the farm—the stalls were empty, as were the buildings.
Dad had had a small warmblood horse-breeding operation and a few staff, but now only Alicia, the manager, was left to keep the main house and several outbuildings in shape, though no one lived there anymore.
“What do you want to eat tonight?” I asked Eli, waiting for him to catch up to me on the small path. “Alicia went grocery shopping, so there’s a lot of choice.”
My brother wrinkled his brow in thought. “Hmm. Do you think we could have macaroni and cheese?”
I had to laugh. “Mac ’n’ cheese? Of course.” When Eli was at my place, I usually made us some kind of fast food, or we’d eat Italian or Asian food. He’d never asked for mac ’n’ cheese before, though. “What made you think of that?”
“I was thinking recently how Adam always used to make it… before,” Eli said quietly. “It was the only thing he could even cook.”
“That’s true,” I said, smiling softly, and the sun’s brightness seemed dimmed by sorrow for a moment. “He really had no talent in the kitchen.”
“But his mac ’n’ cheese wasn’t bad at all. Especially straight from the dish, in front of a movie.”
That was how we’d spend the evening sometimes, when Henry and Trish had plans and left us home alone. Those were the rare moments when I’d really felt at home there—with my brothers, a superhero movie, and a ton of candy. Crazy that I’d almost forgotten about it.
“Right, then that’s our plan for this evening—mac ’n’ cheese straight from the dish and Iron Man.”
“I mean… the movie choice can be up for discussion, no?” Eli pulled a face. He didn’t entirely share my enthusiasm for Tony Stark.
“If we must.” I grinned, glad that the shadow had dispersed again. But thinking about Adam led me to Valerie, and from her, inevitably, to Helena. Not that I really needed a reason to think about her. I did that way too much.
The memory of coming back to my room to find it empty was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday, yet it had been three weeks ago already.
I still remembered closing the door and calling out that I was back, only to be met with silence.
At first I thought Helena might have fallen asleep, since I’d been gone for almost an hour instead of twenty minutes, as I’d promised.
But then I found her note, and waited. And just as I was wondering whether she really was coming back, someone knocked on the door—a hotel employee with a message for me.
It’s over; they know. Please forgive me. H.
Out here, it was warm and sunny; spring was in the air for the first time this season.
Nevertheless, I suddenly felt cold. I knew that Helena was still in New York, that she hadn’t been sent back to England—Thaz had heard from a friend who’d had seen her at Columbia.
But that was all I knew. Since that night in the Mirage, there’d been total radio silence between us.
And even though I’d asked Thaz for Helena’s number directly after that weekend, saving her in my phone as “Fair Helen,” I couldn’t bring myself to call or text her.
There were only two possibilities for how she would react: either she was thinking about me just as much as I was thinking about her, in which case I wouldn’t be making things any easier for her by calling, or she was sticking by her decision and ignoring me.
She was a Weston, after all. I knew how these families operated—the kids were brainwashed from a young age into thinking there was nothing more important than appearances.
Just because Helena had gotten carried away and forgotten it for a moment didn’t mean she hadn’t been reminded now.
No matter how you sliced it, in the end nothing good would come of this.
So her number in my phone felt like a constant possibility—but on closer inspection it was really nothing but a recipe for trouble and misery.
“Jess?” Eli gave me a tap. “Everything okay?”
“Sure.” I smiled. “Everything’s great.”
“It doesn’t look like it.” My little brother was a highly sensitive person, and extremely empathetic when it came to other people’s moods. A miracle, really, considering his parents.
I was about to brush him off with another line, but then I remembered promising myself once that I would never lie to him. But I couldn’t tell him the whole truth, so I tried a third way.
“I was thinking about a girl.”
Eli stopped in his tracks. “A girl? In New York?” It sounded absurd even to him. He’d asked me sometimes over the last year why I didn’t have a girlfriend, and I told him I didn’t want a relationship with anyone from the city. He’d clearly remembered.
“Yes, but the whole thing ended before it began, so it’s ridiculous that I’m even still thinking about it.” I set off walking again. It wasn’t much farther to the farm.
Eli didn’t let it go. “Why did it end so quickly? Doesn’t she like you?”
“No, she does.” I was self-aware enough to know that she hadn’t suddenly lost interest. It was all too clear how she felt about me. A lick of heat shot through me as I pictured us in bed together, Helena on top of me, kissing my neck. Oh, fuck. I sighed inwardly.
“What, then?” Eli asked again.
“Our families have a complicated history.” And either side would do anything to keep us apart.
My brother scrutinized me with his green eyes, and I could practically see the cogs working in his brain. “You don’t mean Helena Weston, do you?”
I laughed bitterly—he’d gotten there so quickly. “What makes you say that? They’re not the only family that doesn’t get along with Trish.”
“Right. But Mom was talking about this just last week.”
“The Westons? Because of that project she’s desperate for, Westchester or something?”
“Winchester,” Eli corrected me casually. “But no, not the Westons. Helena. Rodney was there, and Trish told him she was trouble. It was only afterward when she said her name that I realized she was talking about Valerie’s sister.”
Rodney McVeil was Trish’s henchman. He tailed people on her behalf, got hold of information by nefarious means, had no problem getting his hands dirty.
The fact that my mother was speaking to him about Helena made me nervous.
After all, I’d assured her I had no interest in Valerie’s sister, and she didn’t know anything about what happened at the hotel. Or did she?
“Did she say anything else about it?”
Eli shook his head. “Only that it would be dangerous for her to get too close to you. Why, I don’t know.”
It was pretty cryptic, but it reminded me of what Trish had said when she’d visited my apartment. She’d seemed genuinely worried that I really had feelings for Helena. But asking my mother about it wasn’t an option, unless I wanted to get myself, Helena, and Eli in trouble.
“Don’t worry about it,” I reassured him. “She’s probably just paranoid because of Adam.” Trish was the most rational person I knew, but when it came to my brother’s death, she didn’t abide by her usual rules.
“Jess?” Eli looked at me. “Do you really think it was Valerie’s fault that she and Adam died?”
That was the million-dollar question. A few weeks ago, I’d have said yes without a second thought.
Now I wasn’t so sure. Obviously, I’d believed for a long time that Valerie was the root of all evil, and I wasn’t yet fully convinced that the opposite was true.
But I no longer thought Helena was the deluded little sister who couldn’t handle the truth.
She was too smart to stick by Valerie without good reason.
And that meant Adam’s fiancée must have been far more complex than people gave her credit for.
“I don’t know,” I replied finally. “At first I thought the same as everyone else—that Valerie must be to blame, since she lived in a world where drugs were part of the lifestyle. But now… if I’m honest, I don’t know enough about her to say who was at fault.
Or whether it wasn’t just a tragic accident. ”
Eli nodded slowly.
“What do you think?” I asked him. He was old enough to have an opinion on the subject.
It took a minute before he replied. “For a long time I was mad at Valerie. Mom said she was responsible for Adam’s death, and I believed her.
But recently, I keep thinking about how happy Adam was right before he died.
He was practically bursting with happiness whenever he was with her.
” My little brother caught my eye. “I think I’d do anything to feel like that. No matter who was against it.”
We walked together in silence for a while, and before long the house came into view.
Eli’s words rang in my mind even after he disappeared inside.
I stayed where I was, taking a breath and looking out across the wide-open space around the farm.
I thought about the moment I’d kissed Helena, when I’d been hit by the realization that I’d rarely felt more alive than when I was with her.
It wasn’t just attraction or lust. And it was a lot more than wanting to spend the night with her.
In that moment, I’d been happy for the first time in years.
Because she’d touched something deep inside me.
Much more than I’d been aware of until now.
I think I’d do anything to feel like that. No matter who was against it.
And that very moment, in front of my father’s house, without the energy of New York City crowding me out and making me so horribly stressed, I realized something.
The very thing I’d fought against with all my strength had happened.
I’d fallen in love. With Helena Weston, Upper East Side princess and daughter of my mother’s archenemy.
With a smart, stunning, wonderful, headstrong woman who’d set not only my heart on fire, but every other part of me too.
I took a deep breath and let it out.
For fuck’s sake. What was I going to do now?
What could I do, except try to get her out of my head?