Chapter 41 Jessiah
Much later that evening, I was still sitting with Helena up on the roof terrace, with the lights on all around us and the wonderful feeling of not being quite so alone in New York City for a change.
I could feel fatigue beginning to take hold, but I wasn’t ready to go in yet.
Neither of us were; we were telling stories about Valerie, Adam, and my dad—in other words, doing exactly what we should have been doing on a day like today: remembering those we had lost. Suppressing the grief and memories like Helena’s family did wasn’t right—and neither was spiraling into anger and blame like my mother.
It was only by sharing your grief that you could start to heal. Bit by bit.
We’d moved closer and closer together as the hours went by; we’d laughed and cried in equal amounts, although as the night passed, the laughter dominated more and more, especially when Helena was telling me about all of her sister’s crazy ideas.
Like on Helena’s thirteenth birthday, when Valerie had persuaded thirteen of her friends and acquaintances to show up to her party dressed as her childhood heroes.
“I’m beginning to understand why Adam was so crazy about Valerie,” I said when she’d finished the story. “Although she must have been the complete opposite of him.”
“Maybe that’s why.” Helena nodded. “He was quiet; she was always on the move. He was careful; she was fearless. I think she was only ever afraid of one thing.”
“What was that?”
“Losing someone close to her.” Helena looked me in the eye. “That’s why she always took such good care of me when we went out together. So I didn’t run into the wrong people, didn’t get involved with drugs…”
I smiled. “Sounds like she was an amazing big sister.”
“She was the best.” Helena pressed a hand to her mouth but couldn’t stop a sob from escaping.
I moved closer and put my arms around her, holding her tight, sensing how much better we both felt for it.
As though just being together made it easier to bear the pain.
But when the moment was over, I didn’t want to let go, and she obviously felt the same.
She nestled into me, her head on my shoulder, her hand on my chest, directly over my slightly-too-fast heartbeat.
“I miss her so much, Jess,” she whispered. “I miss her endlessly.”
“I know,” I muttered, pressing a gentle kiss to her head. “I can tell how much you loved her.”
“She made my life brighter,” she said softly. “I have no idea how, but she did. Of course, we used to fight too—she used to piss me off like crazy sometimes. But then she would always pull a silly face and say, Come on, Lenny, let’s go get something to eat at Le Charlot. And that would be it.”
I knew exactly what she meant. We took our siblings for granted a lot of the time; they were always there, and we assumed they always would be.
The fact that our parents would probably die first was something we all had to come to terms with at some point in our lives, but I’d thought my brother would always be there for me.
“They were happy before they died, weren’t they?” I asked Helena quietly. She knew the answer much better than I did, sadly.
“Yes,” she replied. “They were. They’d chosen each other, and they hadn’t gotten to the stage yet where daily life was a grind. I don’t think anyone could have been happier than they were.”
I fell silent, realizing she was right. But it didn’t explain one thing: Why did they take that stupid cocaine? Now that I knew more about Valerie and could rule out the idea that she’d done drugs regularly, it was an even bigger mystery to me.
Helena pulled the blanket up to cover us both a little better. It had grown cold on the terrace. “Do you ever think about what you’d say to Adam if you could talk to him again?”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, more often than you might think.”
“And? What would you say?”
“Right after he died, I wanted to ask him why the hell he’d gotten involved with Valerie.
But now it would probably be something like: Why didn’t you say anything?
Why didn’t you try to share the load you were carrying on your shoulders?
And why didn’t you ask me to come back and meet the woman who meant so much to you? ”
Helena nodded, clearly moved. “That’s much better than mine. All I want to ask is how I’m supposed to carry on without her.”
I brushed a strand of hair from her face. “Given everything I know about Valerie, she’d probably say: You’ll get there. Because you’re much stronger than you think.”
“Yeah. I guess so.” She smiled. “I bet she’d love it that I’m at your place. She’d give me unsolicited advice about all the best places to have sex in this apartment.”
A laugh escaped me. “You’re right—I really would have liked her.”
Helena buried her face in my neck, and the conversation gradually trailed off as our replies got shorter and shorter. My eyes kept closing, and I sensed that Helena, nestled in my arms, could hardly keep herself awake either.
“Let’s go inside,” I said in a low voice, stroking her back. “It’s supposed to rain tonight. You can sleep in my bed; I’ll take the couch.”
“Okay.” Her words were little more than a breath of air at my throat, and she snuggled in a little closer. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Come on, Fair Helen.”
Helena gave a deep sigh and opened her eyes. “Okay, come on, then. It’s pretty cold up here anyway.”
We put the blankets and cushions back in the storage box, then I turned the lights out and we went back down the steps into the apartment.
In the bathroom I showed Helena the cupboard where I kept the guest toothbrushes before leaving her to it, turning out the lamps on the bottom floor, and getting a sheet from the walk-in closet to make up the couch.
Not long after, I heard footsteps, and Helena appeared in the shirt I’d given her to wear. Just the shirt. It was long enough to cover her butt, but not much more.
Fucking hell.
“The bathroom’s free,” she said, noticing the look in my eye that betrayed what was on my mind.
Until that moment, our thoughts about Adam and Valerie had kept us in check, but I sensed now, very clearly, how much I was drawn to Helena.
Emotionally… and otherwise. And I could see in her eyes that she felt exactly the same.
Her gaze drifted over my body, and her lips parted slightly.
Right then I wanted nothing more than to kiss her.
Shit, no, who was I kidding? I wanted so much more.
Nevertheless, I took a step back and disappeared into the bathroom, leaning against the door and exhaling deeply to try to get my pulse under control. Not the right time, I told myself over and over, like a mantra. It really wasn’t the right time.
This realization, along with cold water, got me back on track, and my head took control again.
After I was done in the bathroom, I went up to get my things.
Helena was already in bed, and the sight of her triggered a very different emotion than the one I’d had ten minutes ago: the overwhelming need not to spend just one night with her.
But every night from now on.
“Do you have everything you need?” I took the second pillow and a blanket, then nodded toward the stairs. “If you need anything, I’m down there.”
“Jess?” she asked.
“Hmm?”
She gestured to the bed next to her. “Can’t you just stay here?”
Of course I can, I thought. I just can’t promise you that I’ll ever leave again. But I didn’t say it out loud. Instead I said nothing, simply obeyed her with a smile and got into bed.
Helena sighed contentedly, then snuggled into me, just like up on the terrace, her face in the crook of my neck. I didn’t let her see what that did to me, just pulled the covers over us both, turned out the light, and closed my eyes.
And despite everything we’d talked about that evening, the last thought that went through my mind before I finally drifted into sleep wasn’t my dead brother, but the girl in my arms. This girl who’d captured my heart—a little more each time I saw her, and today finally and irrevocably.
I’d never felt so close and connected to anyone; I’d never been so afraid to lose someone.
And there’d never been a greater danger of that happening.
I just didn’t want to admit it right now.
I wanted to believe that there was a chance for us, that there might be a future—one I’d stopped believing in a long time ago.
A future where I could be happy.