13. Chapter 13
Chapter thirteen
I spend the rest of Saturday in a daze, blaming it on the lingering fever. I’m dutiful about taking medicine every three hours, trying to dull the pain, but there’s a deeper pain that the meds don’t touch.
There’s leftover potato soup in the fridge, so after eating a bowl I lie in bed, hoping to nap.
Sleep eludes me as my mind replays the affection in Brooks’ care. The tenderness in his touches. My chest suffocates with the weight of tears that won’t spill out of my eyes. I open Spotify on my phone, thumb hovering over the search bar.
No. No, no, no. Don’t go there, Teegan.
Sighing, I click it off instead. The silence is oppressive, so I begin talking out loud to fill it.
“Why, God? Why?! I’ve moved forward. I’ve lived my life. I’ve grown and matured as a person. Why would you make me go back there?”
Silence.
It’s only 4:00 p.m., but I eat a banana and then take more of the nighttime medicine, hoping and praying that sleep will overtake me, quiet my thoughts, and shut down the memories.
My comforter is folded at the foot of my bed, so I shake it open to spread it out. Brooks’ scent lingers on the fabric, flooding my nostrils. Groaning, I yank it off onto the floor. Curling up under the throw blanket, I clamp my eyes shut, begging for sleep.
After tossing and turning most of the night, I give up on sleep and roll out of bed at 7:00 a.m. My taste buds are craving more cinnamon toast.
I pour a bowl of cereal.
Sitting at the dining table, slowly taking bites, my mind whirls. Physically, I’m feeling much better than two days ago. But my heart is paralyzed. It stuttered to a stop, and I don’t know how to get it back to beating normally.
There’s no escape hatch from the bars trapping me. I’m captive to the past. The now. The what-ifs. The if-onlys. They’re locking me in, clamping down tighter and tighter.
I fail at every attempt to fly my mind away from my feelings. No amount of envisioning sunsets, oceans, or sunny meadows takes the edge off the pain my heart feels.
Unlocking my phone, I send a text to our Beefs chat before I can talk myself out of it.
I’m not ok. Force me to talk about it on our video call this afternoon. Don’t let me wriggle my way out, or I don’t know how I’ll find myself again
Thirty seconds later, my phone starts ringing with a call from Lana. I silence it. Her second call is overlapped by a call from Amaya. Sighing, I text them again.
I need a little time. I promise we’ll talk this afternoon. Make me
AMAYA
ok, but I don’t like this, Teeg
LANA
Praying for you till then, Beef
I take a long, hot shower, blaring upbeat music that doesn’t match my mood. Leaving my hair to air dry, I start a load of laundry to wash my sheets and clothes. I throw my comforter in for good measure, just to erase all traces of Brooks .
Pulling out our cleaning caddy, I meticulously wipe down every surface, if only to give my mind something to do other than think .
I’m loading the dishwasher when I hear the doorbell ring. No. Please don’t be Brooks. I can’t take it .
“Teegan? It’s Amaya!” my best friend’s voice calls.
Rushing to the foyer, I fling open the front door. Amaya is standing there holding two giant slushies from Brooklyn’s finest gas station slushie machine. The answer to every angsty situation we ever encountered in college.
I burst into deep, wracking sobs.
Amaya wraps her arms around me, despite the slushie cups, and I realize she’s also holding her phone with Lana’s face on video call.
I gesture for Amaya to come inside and close the door behind her, still shaking with sobs. “Wait, Amaya, I’ve been sick. I don’t want to get you sick.”
She spears me with a look. “Like that’s what I care about right now? You could spit your germs in my slushie, and I still wouldn’t leave you.”
Her devotion brings a fresh wave of tears pouring down my cheeks. We sit down on the couch, propping her phone up on the coffee table so we can see Lana. I wave at the phone. “Hi, Beef.”
Lana’s face is stricken. “Ugh, I hate that I’m not there in person. I looked into flights but there was nothing leaving until late this afternoon. I wouldn’t even make it to Brooklyn until tomorrow.”
I burst into tears again. “You’re the best. You’re both the best. I have the best friends. Why am I being this way when I have you two?”
By now, I’m almost hyperventilating. Amaya lightly rubs my back and hands me a slushie cup. “Here. Take a few sips.”
I obey orders, and somehow the slushie works its magic. I hum appreciation. “There’s nothing a slushie can’t fix, right?” I joke. Our college motto makes me feel a tiny bit more like my normal self.
“I’m totally jealous,” Lana says with an exaggerated sigh.
“Not gonna lie—it’s been way too long since I’ve had one of these,” Amaya says, offering me a smile before she takes a sip from her cup. She pretends to tip her cup over. “Don’t worry, we’ll pour one out for you, Lana. ”
“Don’t you dare!” Lana says. “Don’t waste a single drop of that precious frozen liquid.”
Lana’s video screen is interrupted by Mateo walking in behind her. She swivels to look at him, and I hear her gasp. She turns back to the screen with a Styrofoam cup in hand.
“He brought me a slushie,” Lana says, stars in her eyes.
“I couldn’t let you miss out on the central feature of a good slushie chat,” Mateo says, grinning at her. “Even if it’s nowhere near as good as a Brooklyn original.”
“True, but it’s absolutely the thought that counts,” Lana says, kissing him on the cheek. I smile at them, feeling genuinely delighted by their love.
Mateo turns to look at me in the screen. “Teegan, do you need me to fly out there and rough someone up for you?”
A laugh bursts out of my throat. Mateo is the sweetest, gooiest cinnamon roll of a guy there ever was. He was always the one pulling his teammates away from fights on the soccer field, not the one participating in them. “I have a hard time picturing you roughing anyone up, Mateo.”
He smiles in response, but then his face takes on a serious tone. “Maybe so, but I’d do anything for the Beefs.”
Lana looks at him like he’s the embodiment of every fantasy. She reaches up to turn his face toward her and kisses him on the lips, for a not-short amount of time.
“Okay, okay, Lana, that’s enough! Focus!” Amaya huffs next to me, rolling her eyes. I smile. Even my present broken heart could never begrudge Lana and Mateo their connection.
“I can’t help it if him being protective of my people is irresistibly attractive,” Lana says after breaking off their kiss. She whispers in Mateo’s ear, making him smile, before giving him another quick peck on the cheek.
Mateo looks back at me and says, “Don’t forget about my offer. I’m on call if you need me.”
I chuckle, amazed that anything resembling a laugh could come out of me right now. “Thanks, Mateo. I’ll keep that in mind.” He salutes and then walks away .
After watching him leave, Lana turns back to the screen and cuts to the chase. “Okay, Beef, you’ve had time to calm down. Explain.”
I blow out a breath through the hair on my cheek. “It’s Brooks.”
“Yeah, we guessed that much,” Amaya says next to me. “But you’ve made it sound like he wasn’t a big deal. This reaction feels like something is a big deal.”
“I may have under-exaggerated our relationship a tiny bit,” I admit but fall quiet again, lost in memories that I don’t want to remember. Everything I packaged up so tightly and left to rot in the recesses of my subconscious is being yanked back to the light again, and I’m afraid of what will come crawling out.
Lana’s voice is gentle. “Just tell us when you’re ready, Teegs.”
There’s no way around this. I take a deep breath.
“Brooks and I met my freshman year and started dating at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. He was a junior at the time. He was on the basketball team, and I was on the dance team. We were the stereotypical high school ‘it’ couple, but our love was so genuine. So real.”
I pause, emotion clogging my vocal cords. “I know it sounds so cliché, so dumb considering we were only teenagers, but he was my soulmate. His energy clicked with mine in this flawless way that I don’t even know how to explain. Brooks was my best, best friend. And the sweetest boyfriend. We were perfect together, brought out the best in each other. We had so much fun together every day. I know I was young, and probably starry-eyed and immature, but I was positive that he was my person. My forever. And he felt that way too. Or, at least, it seemed like he did.”
A tear trickles down my cheek as I reach the painful part of the explanation.
“From a physical standpoint, we’d never done anything more than kiss because we agreed we didn’t want to go any further than that. Over Christmas break of my junior year, Brooks started acting weird. He began pushing the boundaries a little bit, and when I called him out on it, he didn’t react well.”
My cheeks flush remembering the embarrassment I felt. I take comfort in the pressure of Amaya’s arm around my shoulders. “I mean, we loved each other, so the temptation to go further physically was always there. I had friends from my church youth group who shared my personal convictions about physical boundaries, but Brooks had the opposite. I think the other basketball guys were giving him grief about it. But I told him that I hadn’t changed my mind. Brooks said that if I wouldn’t be physically intimate with him, our relationship was done.”
Lana interrupts as she flips open her laptop next to her. “One second. I’m buying Mateo a plane ticket right now.”
I exhale a breath through my tears. “Unless you also have a time machine, that won’t do much good.”
“I’m very resourceful when it comes to issues of justice. I bet I could will one into existence,” Lana says. I can practically see steam spouting from her ears.
“I never want to be on your bad side, LaLa,” I try to joke, but everything falls flat right now.
Amaya squeezes my shoulder. “I’m really sorry, Teegan. I’m sorry you were treated that way.”
I look down at my hands in my lap. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was crushed. Beyond crushed. I was pulverized. Vaporized. I was only seventeen, but I felt like I’d lost the love of my entire life. But you know me—I couldn’t let anyone know that I was that sad. So I acted like it was no big deal,” I explain. Amaya nods, and Lana makes an affirmative sound.
“During the day, I put on the mask of my usual upbeat self. I acknowledged my disappointment that the relationship ended, but never told anyone how destroyed I was. By the time spring semester rolled around, Brooks was going out with a senior girl on the cheer squad. They only dated for about a month, but she openly flaunted their physical relationship. It was crystal clear that she did not have any of the boundaries that I did with him. Nor did the next girl he very publicly dated after her. He moved on like we’d never meant anything, even though I know we meant everything.”
I sniff as a new wave of sobs gathers in my throat. “Nothing was okay. Because as much as I faked it, as much as Brooks acted like we never mattered, I knew I wasn’t crazy. That I wasn’t exaggerating or misremembering the depth of what we’d been to each other. I hid the truth from everyone, but at night, I would shut myself in my room and listen to ‘All Too Well’ on repeat. Every night for months, I’d cry alone, with Taylor as my only witness.”
“Oh my gosh—that’s why you wouldn’t ever watch the ten-minute version music video with us,” Lana says.
I nod. “Yeah, I listened to the ten-minute version one time the day the album came out, then swore I’d never listen again. Because every aching moment of those lonely nights flooded back. In excruciating detail.”
Amaya moves her arm from my shoulders to place her hand on mine. “You could have told us, Beef,” she says quietly.
My eyes fill again. “I know I could have. I just wanted to pretend he didn’t exist.” I close my eyes. “But he does exist. And he shared his faith testimony at small group, so I know he’s not the same person he was in high school. I can see the ways that his relationship with Jesus has changed him. Still, I was determined to keep some distance between us, you know, because of our history. But he came here Friday night and took care of me when I was sick.” I fill them in on the extent of Brooks’ tender attention.
I take a long drink of my slushie, trying to calm down my flight instinct.
“Yesterday morning, he called me ‘Sneaks.’ It was his nickname for me in high school,” I say. Amaya and Lana both look confused. “I used to be a huge Sneakerhead,” I say sheepishly. Their jaws drop in surprise.
“Wait a second,” Amaya interrupts. “So, Lana was secretly a soccer star in high school, and you were secretly a Sneakerhead. Am I the only one who didn’t hide some essential part of my identity when we became friends?!”
Lana rolls her eyes.
“It’s like we don’t even know you,” Amaya jokes, bumping my shoulder.
“I know, I know, that doesn’t jive with the version of me that you know. But I used to ask for different Nikes every year for any birthday or holiday gift. Brooks and I both collected them. We’d spend hours together scouring websites for good deals on Dunks, Jordans, and Air Force 1s. But when he broke up with me, I sold every pair I owned and never bought another one again. It felt too much like a part of us. ”
We’re all silent for a beat. “I’m sorry I never told you about all this. But talking about it makes me feel it.” My voice breaks off, and Amaya rubs a hand across my back again. “I don’t want to feel it,” I whisper.
Amaya pulls me into a hug, unleashing a new wave of silent tears.
“We’re here for you, Teegs,” Lana says. “I know you don’t want to feel the painful things. But when you can’t avoid feeling them, you don’t have to feel them alone.”
“That’s right,” Amaya adds. “We’ve got your back, always.”
“Thanks, Beefs,” I say, wiping my cheeks.
“How do you need us to be here right now?” Lana asks. She smirks before adding, “I do have flights pulled up for Mateo and me if necessary.”
I huff a laugh. “No roughing up required. Honestly, I don’t know what to do at this point. There’s a part of me that wants to avoid Brooks at all costs. Like, I would catch a flight to D.C. and move in with you and Mateo rather than risk ever seeing him again.”
“Done and done,” Lana says with a tender smile.
I give a weak smile back. “But there’s another piece of my heart that feels like Teegan is missing. I was okay all these years that Brooks was behind me. But now that he’s back . . . I’m lost all over again. And that slice of my heart never wants to be apart from him again. But I don’t know if that’s actually a good idea.” I groan and bury my head in my hands.
“I know you’re not going to figure it all out right now,” Amaya says. “But we’re in your corner no matter what. However the pieces come together, we’re with you. You don’t have to hide from us, okay?”
I give a grateful nod. “If I’d had you two back in high school, maybe I wouldn’t have floundered so much. Maybe I would have had a better way to cope. But I’m glad I have you now.”
“You have us always, Teegs,” Lana says. “Beefs for life.”