Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
T he weekend after Halloween, I’ve already planned to go home to Kansas City. It’s my sister’s homecoming, so I want to go watch her dance team perform at halftime and see her all dressed up for the dance on Saturday. I’ve been looking forward to it all semester.
When Friday rolls around, I have mixed feelings: the excitement of going home, alongside the reluctance to leave and miss out on spending time with Mateo. We see each other in as many snippets as possible during the week, but between my commitments and his soccer schedule, weekends provide the best opportunity for us to be together.
My mom has big feelings about me driving home before it’s dark, so I have to leave mid-afternoon while Mateo is still at practice. Since I won’t be able to see him before I go, I decide to pull a page from his book and leave a note on his truck again.
Mateo –
I know I’ll see you in just a few days, but I’m still feeling sad to miss out on the soccer match and hanging out with the team or just you or whatever we would do if I was here. I’ve gotten used to spending every weekend with you, so it sort of feels like I’m entering a twilight zone as I drive away from you. And now I’ve become the sappy girl saying “I already miss you” before I leave, but it’s true…I already miss you. Have fun this weekend, but miss me too, ok?
Hugs (as in, literally I want to hug you),
Lana
I slip the card under his windshield wiper at the soccer complex and drive to the gas station to fill up my car. I decide it’s worth the bathroom stop halfway to take a slushie on the road. I’m sealing the lid on tight when I hear a familiar voice.
“Lana?” Aaron says as he walks toward me. “I thought that was your car out there.”
“Hey Aaron,” I say as I fumble with the straw, trying to get the wrapper off. I bang it too hard and the bottom crumples, so I throw it away and get a new one. Aaron leans his hip against the counter next to me, making me feel even more flustered. Come on, brain. You’ve seen Aaron enough times over the past two months that you should be capable of acting like a normal human being.
“How ya been?” he asks. I look up from my slushie cup and flinch at how close we are to each other. Aaron’s arms are crossed, but his upper body is leaning in toward me. My stupid brain chooses to remind me how thrilled I would have been about this close proximity a few months ago, doing nothing to calm down all of my flustered-ness.
But I’m not thrilled now. I take a step backwards and hold my giant slushie cup as a guard between us before answering. “Really good. Enjoying the fall. Still anxiously waiting to hear if I’ve been accepted to UC Davis. But I’m heading home to KC right now to see my family, so that’s good.” I take a sip of my slushie since my mouth is suddenly a desert.
“Oh, that’s fun,” Aaron replies. “Any specific plans? Or just hanging out with your parents and Olivia, Carter, and Dean?”
I shouldn’t be surprised by him remembering my siblings’ names, considering how much we used to talk. But I still am. “Yeah, it’s Olivia’s homecoming weekend, so I’ll get to see her all dressed up. What about you? Anything fun going on?”
Aaron uncrosses his arms and leans one hand on the counter next to me, the other dropping to his pocket. “Just the usual. Keeping an eye on things at the house party tonight.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know how that goes.” Because I do—we certainly have a mutual understanding of Greek Life.
“Some of the guys are going to the soccer game tomorrow, but I probably won’t,” Aaron continues, eyes flickering back and forth between mine. “So, anything else…different or new in life?”
I chew on the inside of my lip and shake my head slowly. “Not really. Yeah no, same stuff with class, AOPi, tutoring, Arrow stuff.” I pause. “Still dating Mateo, so, ya know, nothing new.”
Aaron flinches at the mention of Mateo but quickly recovers a neutral face. I raise my slushie cup like it’s the international sign for “I’m going to leave now.” Aaron stands upright and says, “Yeah, I should let you hit the road, I guess. Um, I’ll walk you out to your car.”
“Did you come in to buy something though?” I ask, looking around as I pay for my slushie.
“Oh, yeah, I did, but I don’t mind. I’ll walk you out and then come back,” he says, gesturing toward the door. He pushes it open so I can walk out, following me to my car. I open the door and deposit my slushie cup inside, then stand up to awkwardly wave and say bye.
“Have a good weekend in KC, Lana. Drive safe,” he tells me before backing away as I shut myself in the car. I need to pick a playlist for the ride home but don’t want to stay here lingering in front of the gas station, so I drive down the street and pull off in another parking lot to pull up my phone.
First, I send a distress signal to the Beef group chat.
Just ran into Aaron while getting a slushie
Tried to make small talk but he visibly flinched when I said Mateo’s name
Teegan
wide-eyed emoji
When will I feel normal and not awkward or guilty around him?
Amaya
Stop it
No feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong
I know but…
Amaya
Do we need to pull the mantras out again?
Teegan
Give her a break, May. Lana’s a nice person and she used to like him and he’s clearly still obsessed with her, so of course she feels bad that he’s so sad
Yeah, not helping Teegs
Amaya
Mantras?
No
I do feel bad that he’s sad. But I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I just kinda wish I could avoid him altogether. But that seems mean
Ok I’m leaving for KC. See you Sunday
I’ve just pulled back on the highway after a rest stop halfway home when my phone rings. Smiling at Mateo’s name on the screen, I hit the button on my steering wheel to answer the call.
“Hey there!” I say brightly. “Sorry, I’m still in the car driving!”
“Hey you with the fancy Bluetooth car,” Mateo teases, making me laugh. “So many wonders of technology at your disposal but you’ll still stoop to using a pen and paper.”
Giggling, I ask, “So you got my note?”
“Yes. And I’ll take the sappiest version of Lana there is, so don’t hold back,” Mateo says. “I already miss you, too.”
We talk for the next half hour until I hit the outskirts of Kansas City traffic. “As much as I hate to hang up, my city girl driving skills have gotten a tad rusty, so I should probably let you go and concentrate on the road.”
“Definitely hang up and pay attention to driving. Text me to let me know you made it home?” Mateo asks.
“I will. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye, Lana.”
I happy sigh as I hang up. It’s the simplest thing, but I’ll never get tired of hearing my name come out of his mouth.
My weekend at home flies by. Even though I miss Mateo more than I will ever admit out loud to anyone, I easily fall back into the Grant family habits and rhythms. Olivia and I stay up way too late Friday night talking about high school and dance team and all the drama that is generally associated with those two things. Mom and I take a walk Saturday morning to catch up (AKA me answering all her prying questions about Mateo). My dad and I play some cello/piano duets together, and I even get some quality time with the twins after we see Olivia off to homecoming.
Dean is still on the sullen side of life, and I wish I knew the magic words to snap him out of it. I hate feeling powerless to make positive change, especially with someone I care so much about. Still, I convinced him to temporarily abandon his video games to eat junk food watching a movie together Saturday night, so I’ll take the small win. I don’t know what or who it’s going to take to get him on a positive path, so I just pray that God provides whatever needs to happen moving forward.
I listen to my Christmas playlist the whole way back to Brooklyn. We got the tiniest bit of snow flurries for approximately ten minutes this morning, but it’s enough to have me fully in the Christmas mood now.
Monday afternoon, I’m sitting in the Harry Potter room at the library working on a paper when a pair of strong, tan arms suddenly surrounds me, and I feel a kiss on the top of my head. I pull my earbuds out and wrap one arm around Mateo’s neck, tucking my face right under his chin so I can take a deep inhale of him. I’ve finally put my finger on where Mateo’s scent transports me to—he smells like an open-air spice market in the middle of a Christmas tree farm. I’d like to set up a tent there so I can live among that heady aroma for all eternity.
“I thought I might find you here,” Mateo says as he finally releases me and sits down in the chair next to me, pulling my hand into his in one smooth motion. I must not be the only one feeling acute physical touch withdrawal after the weekend apart.
I fill Mateo in on my weekend at home and he recounts the soccer match for me. He offers to walk me back to AOPi before he goes to practice, so I turn to save my progress on my paper. Just before clicking the X on my email tab, my attention snaps to a message in my inbox with the subject “Application status updated.”
I freeze. My heart starts pounding, and I turn to Mateo with wide eyes. He looks puzzled and asks, “What is it?” I just point toward my computer screen, and I see his face register the reason for my sudden anxiety.
He takes my hand and says in a low, soothing voice, “Okay, do you want to check it now, or do you want to go back to AOPi and be with Amaya and Teegan before you open it?”
His thoughtfulness calms my nerves enough for me to think clearly. “Yes, that’s a good idea. I don’t want to open it here in the library,” I say as I close my laptop screen. Mateo nods and puts it away in my backpack for me. “But I still want you with me too when I open it.”
“Of course,” he says with a soft smile. “I’ll still walk with you.”
I shoot a quick message to the Beef group text.
Help
Meet me on the side porch in ten min. Application status updated
Teegan
Screaming crying throwing up
Amaya
We’ll meet you down there. Deep breaths
“Okay, Amaya and Teegan will meet us there,” I tell Mateo. He holds out his hand to me, which I gratefully accept as we walk out of the library. The familiar feeling of his fingers interlaced with mine is one of the only things grounding my anxious thoughts from taking flight. Mateo takes my phone from me, and seconds later my piano Christmas playlist surrounds us as we walk. My fingers automatically start playing along with Jim Brickman against the back of Mateo’s hand, and he just smiles and pulls my hand up to kiss my fingertips.
He doesn’t say a word the whole way back to AOPi—just lets me use his hand as my personal keyboard.
We walk up to the side of the AOPi house where Amaya and Teegan are already waiting. Mateo releases my hand as they both lean in to hug me.
“No matter what happens, we’re here with you, LaLa,” Teegan says.
I sit down at one of the patio tables, so anxious that I’m numb to the cold metal. I open my laptop and click on the application tab that’s bookmarked in my browser.
“Hold on, you should call your mom for this too,” Amaya says suddenly. Of course I should. I’m so lucky to have these three people in my life who know what’s important to me when my mind is too muddled to think clearly. I call my mom on FaceTime, relieved when she answers. I quickly fill her in, and Mateo holds the phone so she can watch.
I close my eyes and inhale slowly. I think all of us are collectively holding our breath, because I don’t hear anyone breathing. Finally, I open my eyes and click the mouse to log in with my saved information.
The website takes a second to load, and I desperately reach out and take Mateo’s hand with one of mine and Amaya’s with the other. I feel Teegan’s hand squeeze my shoulder as we all wait.
The screen pops up and everything is a blur except for one word that pops out: Accepted.
A second later, Teegan is screaming and jumping behind me, Amaya is hugging my neck yelling, “You did it, Lana!” and my mom has tears streaming down her face on the phone screen. Mateo’s hand squeezes mine tightly, and I don’t realize that I’m also crying until he lets go to reach up and wipe a tear off my cheek with a tender smile.
My heart is bursting with joy, and I stand up to jump hug with Amaya and Teegan as Mateo holds my phone so my mom can watch our celebration. I finally take the phone from him to talk to her directly.
The glistening in her eyes and her proud smile feel like a bear hug through the phone screen. “I don’t even know the words to tell you how proud I am of you, my beauty. I feel so honored to be your mom.” Now the tears are really flowing from my eyes as she continues. “You reached your goal, but I know this is only the beginning of all the amazing things you’ll do. You’re going to be such a force for good.”
My voice cracks as I respond, “Thank you, Mom. You’re the reason I’m here. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, sweetie. We’ll celebrate big next time you’re home, but for now, hang up and celebrate with your friends!”
I set the phone down on the table and look up into Mateo’s face. I’m surprised to see a sheen in his eyes as he smiles down at me. I reach up to wrap my arms behind his head and bury my face in his neck. He squeezes his arms tight around me and whispers, “I’m so proud of you, Lana. You are incredible.”
Teegan and Amaya hug me from behind until I’m the squished middle of a sandwich, making me laugh. When they finally release me, I smile at each of them. “Thanks so much for being here with me. Not just for this moment, but for all the little moments that led up to this moment. I can’t believe I get to have the best best friends and the best boyfriend in the world. Every other girl is missing out.”