Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
I quietly let myself into the AOPi house shortly after 1:00 a.m. I’m hoping it’s late enough that I can sneak through without seeing anyone. Tiptoeing upstairs, I listen outside our bedroom door but am met with silence. Moving quietly through the room, I gather my shower stuff and some pajamas.
It was too cold to sit outside as long as I did, but every time I thought I was done crying a new wave crashed over me. Mateo texted me begging to talk, then begging me to at least let him know I was safe. After the fourth time he called me, I finally texted him back: I’m safe. Leave me alone. Then I blocked his number.
I stand in the shower, letting the hot water thaw away the cold and wash away fresh tears. The water temperature is slowly cooling before I finally turn it off.
Burrowing under my covers in bed, I press the heels of my hands to my eyes again. I wish I could erase this day and go back to this morning when I was in love with Mateo, when he was in love with me, when our future was together.
I turn off my alarm when it tries to wake me, covering my head with my blanket. My entire body aches, as if after leaving a gaping hole in my chest, the fragments of my heart slowly sliced jagged paths through every inch of my body. Every attempt to fill my lungs with oxygen feels like a fight against gravity itself.
I am absolutely not going to class today, not going to risk seeing Aaron, not going to risk Mateo finding me. He knows my class schedule, but he can’t get to me if I’m holed up in AOPi all day. I’ll have to come up with a more solid plan to avoid him long term, but at least for this day I can hide away.
I hear Teegan packing her bag to head to school and Amaya whispering to her. Moments later, Amaya is shaking my shoulder.
“Lana?” she whispers. “You turned off your alarm. Are you going to class?”
“No,” I mumble from under the covers.
“Are you sick? Do you need something?” Amaya asks.
I’m silent for a moment, not wanting to answer. Speaking it out loud to someone else makes it truth. Especially speaking it to my best friends.
“Lana?”
“No, I’m not sick. I just…Mateo and I broke up.”
“WHAT?!” Teegan shrieks as Amaya yanks the covers off my face.
“Explain yourself,” Amaya demands.
“You need to get to school, Teegs,” I say, trying to postpone.
“I have five minutes,” Teegan says. “Explain fast.”
Sighing, I sit up in bed and give an extremely abridged version of all that transpired yesterday. Five minutes later, Teegan’s eyes are welling up and Amaya’s are blazing.
“Are you sure this can’t be fixed, Beef?” Teegan asks. “I mean, maybe you just need to talk through it together again when emotions have settled.”
I shake my head. “What’s there left to talk about? Mateo didn’t even trust me enough to tell me about this. He doesn’t trust me to not fall for Aaron’s scheming. How can I be with someone who doesn’t trust me?”
“Not to mention making future plans that would totally disrupt yours without even including you,” Amaya huffs out.
Teegan bites her lip. “I have to get to school, but just think about it, LaLa. Maybe you should call him.”
“I don’t have it in me to rehash all of that again, Teegs. I already blocked his number,” I say, pinching my arm to try to stop myself from crying again. “Go before you’re late. I don’t want to get you in trouble.” Teegan reluctantly leaves the room, and Amaya takes my hand and swings her legs up onto the bed next to mine. I lean my head on her shoulder.
“Want to sit in bed watching sad movies together all day? Or listen to angry girl music and eat ice cream?” Amaya offers.
“You’re the best, Beef, but no, you need to go to your classes. You already missed a day for me last month, and I’m not going to let you miss for me again.”
“Alright, but you know I’ll be back in minutes if you text me that you need me?” She adds with a squeeze of my hand, “This really sucks, Lana. I’m really sorry.”
I squeeze hers back before she stands up to collect her coat and backpack. I head to the restroom, taking extra time to splash water on my face. When I return, there’s a cup of coffee and a plate of muffins waiting for me.
I can get through this, I tell myself. I have the two best friends in the world. I have an amazing family. I have dreams and goals that are within my reach. So what if I no longer have the world’s best boyfriend?
Tears blur my vision at the thought. My own heart doesn’t buy my attempt at a poker face.
I barely move all day, still buried in my bed by the end of the evening with the evermore album on its hundredth loop. Amaya gave me a sick pass to miss chapter, but after the meeting ends, Teegan slips into the room.
“LaLa? You alive in there?” she asks, cautiously approaching.
“I’m in too much pain to be dead, so I guess so,” I answer, poking my head out of the mountain of covers .
Teegan is biting her lip as she surveys me. “So, don’t be mad, but I talked to Mateo today.”
I narrow my eyes at her.
“I’m just trying to look out for you,” she says, holding her hands up defensively. “Mateo called me, and he’s really sorry, like he feels really, really terrible. I just wonder if it would be good for both of you to at least try to talk through things. It might not really be as bad as you think it is.”
Her comment cuts like a knife. “Not as bad as I think? How could it possibly not be as bad as I think? You weren’t there in the conversation, Teegan. Mateo might feel sorry now, but he showed all his cards yesterday. And I’m not interested in reliving that. Don’t try to push me, Teegs.” My eyes fill again, somehow drawing on an infinite water supply flowing out of my broken heart.
“Okay, I won’t. You’re my Beef, Lana. I want what’s best for you,” Teegan reassures me, taking my hand. “I promised Mateo I’d ask you to consider talking, but I’m not going to push you if you don’t want to. I swear.”
“Please just tell him I don’t want to see him. I don’t want him showing up here or outside my classes or the library. My heart can’t handle it.”
Teegan nods, and I suppose I’m grateful that she talked with Mateo solely so she can pass along this message. “Have you told your parents yet?” she asks.
I groan. “No. I’m actively avoiding it.” Teegan just gives me a look that I know means I need to stop avoiding it.
I craft a message to my mom.
Hey Mom. I really don’t feel like talking about it, so I’m sending you this message instead of calling, but I just wanted to let you and Dad know that Mateo and I broke up yesterday
Showing my phone to Teegan, she simply raises an eyebrow. Ten seconds after hitting send, it immediately starts ringing. Teegan’s look says, “Told you so,” without actually saying anything. She leaves the room so I can answer.
Sighing, I hit the green button on my phone. “Mom, I said I didn’t feel like talking.”
“Lana Renae Grant, you cannot possibly think you could send me that text, and I wouldn’t call you,” Mom responds with a firm voice.
I simply grunt in response.
“You’re going to have to explain sooner or later, so may as well be now.”
I walk my mom through yesterday’s events, attempting to be brief but getting roped into longer answers by her many follow-up questions.
“Hmm,” she finally says, after we’ve exhausted the play-by-play of my conversations.
“Mom, I’m going to be home in just a few days for spring break. I’m worn out, and I just really don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can you please just hold off sharing your many thoughts until I’m home?” I plead.
“Alright, honey. You know I love you,” she responds.
“I know. Love you too.”