Chapter 14
KENDALL
Grant cannot stop looking at me, and I’m basking in his discomfort. I want to drink it down like a smoothie, to take his fixation and absorb it into my body like a nutrient.
We’ve been texting a little, and seeing each other at work, but that’s it. It’s the middle of September, halfway into his rotation, so our time is limited, but I’m not sure how I want to proceed. I can’t kiss him again.
I cannot kiss him again.
He’s been on the ortho floor of the hospital doing rounds. Now he’s back in the clinic pretending to study an x-ray even though I can feel his gaze burning a path up my thighs when I pass him.
I room his next patient, an unfortunate case of a young woman with avascular necrosis who needs a hip replacement. She’s chipper, though, and doesn’t seem devastated, so I chat with her a little as I take her vitals and get her history.
The door opens, and I startle. Grant’s there, looming in the doorway with his blue scrubs and his white coat, looking like someone in a hot doctor Halloween costume. The patient glances at him, and her mouths drops into a little round “O.” A few flutters skip through my abdomen.
I turn my attention back to her and pull the pulse ox off her finger. We are better than this, I want to say to her.
“I’m obsessed with those bracelets,” I tell her instead, nodding to her wrist.
She turns back to me, seemingly surprised that I’m still in the room.
“That Maple brand, I mean,” I explain, determinedly not looking at Grant. “The gold one.”
She smiles and touches her wrist. “Yeah, it’s my favorite.”
When I turn to leave the room, Grant’s hot stare threatens to melt me on the spot. I almost admonish him for looking at me like that in front of a patient, but I can’t find the words. Instead, I walk out the door with a muttered, “Nice to meet you.”
Later in the day, Grant finds me in the break room.
We’re almost done with our patients. I lean against a counter and eat a pack of trail mix while he rips into a protein bar.
My gaze snags on his long fingers, and I do not imagine them skimming along the skin of my torso, because that would be obscene.
“First thing you’ve eaten today?” I nod to his snack.
“Since breakfast, yeah.” He takes a swig of water and steps toward me. “Kendall.”
“What?” I glance around the room. “If you’re looking for a heart to heart I don’t think this is the place for it.”
He’s close to me now. His Adams’s apple slides up and down his throat with his swallow, and I watch it, noting the little kick my heart issues at his nearness.
“I do want to talk.” He ducks his head to look at me even though I’m not much shorter than him.
“If I’m still here when you leave, you can walk me to my car.”
He nods. Dr. Planck steps through the door, and we jolt apart. The older doctor barely raises a brow, but I feel like he just caught us naked in here.
“You on call tonight?” Dr. Planck pushes a mug under the one-cup coffee maker. Not all doctor stereotypes are true, but orthopedic doctors do drink enough caffeine to kill a regular person.
Grant leans against the counter and crosses one ankle over the other. “Yeah,” he says. “Hopefully it’s a little smoother than my last one.”
“I don’t know how you guys manage nights on call after working all day,” I say.
Grant smiles at me. “You might have to do it yourself someday, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess so. I’ll have to figure it out then.” I toss my trail mix package into the trash can. “What happened the last time?”
“Just a shitshow of epic proportions. One of our post-ops became hypotensive, another one had uncontrollable pain. Got called to the ED for two gunshots wounds. Felt like the world was falling apart around me.”
Dr. Planck shakes his head. “I have some of those stories from residency.” He almost looks wistful as he gulps his coffee.
We all exit the room at the same time to finish our day. Grant’s hand brushes along the small of my back, an unintentional graze, and I shiver. He aims a smoldering look in my direction as we walk behind Dr. Planck.
We don’t usually leave at the same time, but it works that day, in part because I linger a bit when I’m done. I won’t examine that.
“I didn’t know you were on call tonight,” I say as we walk down the hall together. It’s a bit of a hike to the parking garage given how large the hospital system is. “You don’t have to walk me to my car if you’re just going back to the hospital.”
“I need a little break anyway. Might grab some dinner too.” He turns his head toward me as we pass a large window. “What are your plans for tonight?”
“Dinner with my friends,” I say.
He nods. “You spend a lot of time with them, huh?”
“My three best friends from nursing school, yeah.” I swallow. We approach the door to the stairs, and he opens it for me to usher me ahead of him. “Maria, Gwen, and Joan. It’s hard to overstate what they mean to me, actually. I can’t explain it. We just clicked, and we all stayed in Louisville.”
“I’m glad you have that.” We finally reach the door that will take us out to the parking garage. “And what about people from high school? I noticed you talking to them at the reunion.”
“I see some of them occasionally.” I shrug. “None of them live in Blacksburg anymore, but they aren’t in Louisville either. So we have to be intentional about getting together.”
We’re almost to my car now.
“Are other people from home as obtuse as me? About recognizing you, I mean?”
“Some of them are. I’ve had others recognize me when I go back,” I say. I position myself next to my car door, and Grant edges closer to me. “They fawn over me. It’s uncomfortable.”
He laughs. “Yeah?”
“People love to talk about the weight loss. Like, what if I had cancer or something? They all act like I did some great, noble thing. It’s maddening.”
He’s so close now I can scent his gum again, spearmint this time. He’s probably chewing it so he can stay awake, and a little dart of empathy pricks me, something that’s been happening more frequently with him lately.
“For the record,” I say, “I’m not making out with you on hospital grounds anymore. That wasn’t a good idea in the first place.”
He hangs his head and groans. “I know.” He looks at me again. “Do you have any idea . . .?”
“What?”
“You know,” he murmurs. “How sexy you are.”
A flush starts in my toes and climbs up my body.
This man is proving to be a problem for me.
I don’t want to want him, but I do. He keeps doing sweet things like donating to charity and apologizing to me.
He also seems to feel genuine remorse. A pang of warmth overwhelms me.
I thought it was just horniness, but this could be something else. Indigestion, maybe.
“What did you want to talk about?” I take a deep breath to steady my heartrate.
“I just wanted to see how you’re feeling. About what’s going on here.” He gestures between us. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I don’t know. I hate talking about my feelings.”
“I gathered.” He plants a hand next to my head. “Have you always been like that?” His eyes are a little shiny. Is he okay? I’ve never seen this expression on him.
“I had to toughen up in high school, that’s for sure.” A sigh escapes me. “But honestly, a lot of that is just me.” I tap my foot. “What are you thinking?”
His frustrated laugh seeps into my skin. “Lots of things. But mostly, I’m so angry at myself for what I’ve done here. What I did. I like you, Kendall. I think we could have always been friends.”
“I know you’re sorry,” I say. “That’s just the bare minimum, though. I’m having a little fun with this, but I’m not sure what you could do to make me forget what you did.”
“I am sorry. You have no idea.” He bites his lip, a vicious pinch, before he speaks again. “I really, really want to kiss you again.”
God. I want it too. I’m trembling with it.
“I don’t think we should do that again.”
He drops his head into his hands. “Damn it.”
I laugh. “All right. Go get some dinner so you don’t pass out while you’re on call.”
“Okay.” He stares at me. “I understand.”
“I don’t think you do. Not yet.”
He frowns, then gives me one more longing look before he turns to go. I settle into the driver’s seat and take a deep breath.
And again, I ask: What the hell am I doing?